i don’t like to share anything too personal on here but i feel the need to vent out my frustrations.
over the weekend i felt my insecurities getting the best of me. i felt myself about to cry but i pulled myself together and literally stared at a wall cross-faded talking myself through it.
the guy i’ve been seeing for 2 months now isn’t someone that i’m in a committed relationship with, even though that’s what i want, i’m not rushing him but eventually that’s where i want to get because i’m not seeing anyone else but him. however he is and he’s told me. i said that i was ok with it, but i was lying to myself. classic me to put someone else’s needs & wants ahead of mine. my friends know the best that i’m immensely insecure, especially towards love. i never thought in my life that i could find companionship like this. i never thought a person can have feelings for someone like me, y'know? so i’ve always shyed away from love and tried my best to look out for myself, even when i hate myself, i try. one of my biggest fears is having a man do me like my dad did my mom. he was mentally & physically abusive to my mother and seeing it with my own eyes was more than enough. going through that would break me. so that with a combination of major trust issues, i’m always hurting myself by preparing for the worst, but i don’t think i can really prepare myself for heartbreak. because of my dad i can never fully trust a man with my heart but i still want to share it with someone.
i heard stories of how he treated his exes and his sex stories from his friends and it’s making my anxiety worse bc i don’t want him to do me like that but i also don’t want to be bias. i really wanna give this a chance but the thought of him choosing someone over me really hurts. i don’t think anyone else will ever make time for me and it’s pitiful bc i should love myself a lot more than this.
we got drunk on saturday night, made love, and the next morning he told me he was meeting this girl for “some coffee” so of course i felt some type of way. why would you have me laying in your bed and go on a date with someone else? it could have just been friendly, but it was hard to not think about him doing something with her. i hung out with his roommates for the day and when he came home, his eyes were red. it didn’t look like he was tired, he looked guilty, and he wouldn’t even look at me. i was so upset that i treated him like he was dead to me and i was wrong for that so i apologized and kissed him goodbye. we’re on better terms now but feeling the emptiness of him not being in my life haunts me. i’m relying on his love to feel complete and i don’t know how to get out of this hole i dug myself into.
So I had a goal to reach 1K by my birthday and I just hit it earlier today (that’s like a week early wOW) so i’d like to thank all of my wonderful followers for sticking w/ me through the countless selfies and complaining lmao and also these fantastic blogs for making my dash a million times better :))
(mutuals bolded/favs italicized ( ˘ ³˘)❤)
i’m in too many fandoms and i love so many people i’m sorry if i left anyone out and for the shitty graphic i don’t have photoshop and even if i did i wouldn’t know how to use it smh but basically what i’m saying is i love all y’all thank you for existing also this took me so damn long i’m cryi n g goodby e
I don't know if i'll wake up tomorrow so I just want to tell you how much I love you, you helped me so much but this is too much. Please keep being yourself until the end of your days. You're perfect and you deserve the best. I really love you. I just wanted to tell you that.
don’t do anything silly baby. i’ve been where you are. many times. i’ve taken the pills, i’ve been to the hospital, etc. i know how hopeless it all feels. and i know how stubborn your mind is when it comes to listening to what others have to say and letting them convince you not to go through with it all.
what i’ve learnt is that hitting rock bottom teaches you a lot. i got halfway through attempting suicide and realized the afterlife could be just as awful, or worse… i could be reincarnated back into this shitty cycle again.
then i went to hospital, where i was surrounded by people genuinely worse off than i was. its all such an eye opening experience.
and i’m not gonna sit here and tell you that shit gets better. because it hasn’t. but you learn to cope. i’m still severely depressed, but when i have my low days, i now know how to teach myself through it.
you need to remind yourself that everything you’re feeling and thinking is an over-exaggeration caused by the chemical imbalance in your brain. you know why depression most commonly happens in adolescence? because their brains aren’t matured yet, and they have all these crazy fucking hormones floating around in their bodies making them feeling a million and one emotions all at once and it just gets too much!
but once you pass adolescence, once your brain matures, you start to think straight. you have control over it all. the imbalance might still be there, but you are able to realize that. and the sooner you realize nothing is as bad as it seems, that its all a horrible little chemical imbalance, the sooner you can start figuring out techniques that help you survive your breakdowns.
i have my little psychological coping techniques that i do. i literally just talk myself through it. my breakdowns usually come daily, at different times, but instead of thinking how miserable each day is going to be, i can remind myself that those feelings always pass. doesnt matter for how long or short. they still pass. and one day they might pass forever.
idk… just think. take a few deep breaths and think about it. don’t think about whats going on around you. think about whats going on inside of you. look at it from a different perspective.
you will make it through this <3 breath, think, learn.