listening to 'your own disaster' and looking at this is a bad idea just fyi

Prompts

Send me a prompt xx

  1. I did my patriotic duty
  2. Remember that time when we turned a can of Axe into a flame thrower?
  3. I woke up next to a veteran this morning
  4. So I had a dream last night that involved you
  5. And I didn’t hate it
  6. If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone’s soul, it would be you
  7. Thank you for extending my knowledge on the effects of vodka
  8. You always know what to say to make me feel better
  9. Speak of what happened and I will kill you
  10. I’m not above blackmail
  11. I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve
  12. It’s really sad I had to specify this but…
  13. I didn’t ask questions
  14. Why can’t I come over and snuggle?
  15. I am taking my rightful place as ruler of the undead appearance wise
  16. You’re doing that ‘overestimating how much I care’ thing again
  17. Good lord you suck at this wake up call
  18. Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
  19. If I can, after drinking enough vodka to knock out a Russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you the next morning the least you can do is pick up and listen.
  20. I’m like Cupid
  21. The fact you thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind.
  22. I don’t understand it.
  23. You’re a whore with a bow and arrow
  24. It worked
  25. Not the point here, guys
  26. Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib
  27. Don’t call the police the police about the strange man passed out in his car.
  28. I’ll collect him later
  29. I love you
  30. Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
  31. It’s like autocorrect knew you weren’t well endowed
  32. Let’s play a game called ‘Chill the hell out’. You’re the first contestant
  33. I am NOT getting arrested in a wig!
  34. I think I’m at that stage in my life where I subconsciously purposefully mess everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
  35. That doesn’t involve shooting people. Or stabbing them.
  36. I don’t understand how I managed to fuck up so much in an hour and a half
  37. I cried for thirty minutes at the bar before the bartender helped me and gave me free drinks for the rest of the night
  38. I’m confused why you asked me to buy you a life alert at 3:28 this morning
  39. Have a merry Christmas
  40. I’ve been here twenty minutes and a sweaty half naked man has kissed me
  41. What happened?
  42. I thought I told you to wait.
  43. And apparently I tried to pay for a drink with a tampon
  44. I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics
  45. .Shut up
  46. I wear heals bigger than your dick
  47. Are you sighing and judging me through the phone right now?
  48. SINCE WHEN IS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA!?
  49. I felt like I didn’t get that across well enough
  50. Is it a bad thing that I’ve made out with everyone I work with?
  51. … well anything sounds bad if you say it like that
  52. Her voice kills me.
  53. Are you just sitting in your room drinking popsicle vodka?
  54. It’s the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover
  55. Fries before guys, foods before dudes, shakes before dates, chips before dicks, lemon bars before football stars, macaroni before screwing’ Tony.
  56. What I’m trying to say I’d can we just have a girls night?
  57. Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of my mattress when I got into my bed?
  58. How do we have all these hot friends we never do body shots off of?
  59. Not really
  60. Babe
  61. Can we just?
  62. makes grabby hands
  63. What the fuck?
  64. What happened?
  65. I think it is a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
  66. I don’t know if you’re aware of this but…
  67. Wow. Damn. Okay.
  68. We’re plotting your demise
  69. We could have the the best hate sex… ever
  70. I’m bonding with your girlfriend
  71. But he’s like a baby bird with his wing broken that I want to FUCK
  72. They pay me to be heterosexual or helpful. I’m going to need a hell of a raise to be both.
  73. I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue
  74. You’ve never felt ridiculous until you’ve walked through downtown in a Viking costume
  75. So you threw a knife at me last night
  76. I honestly wish I could say I was surprised
  77. Well since you’re literally falling for me, it’s hard to say no.
  78. Oh, wait, let me get some popcorn
  79. When he pulled his dick out I told him he brought a knife to a sword fight
  80. I am so sorry
  81. Watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow
  82. I’m about two and a half drinks away from being gay
  83. I’m coming over
  84. Don’t let go
  85. You’re everything I’ve wanted in a friend
  86. You have questionable morals
  87. Do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs on this plane of reality?
  88. You drink too much
  89. If you don’t want me in your apartment you should get better locks
  90. I just felt emotion and I am not okay with it
  91. My move of emasculating men with my superior intellect isn’t as charming when they can’t see my huge rack.
  92. Why do I feel like I really don’t want to know the end of this?
  93. Go big or go home, am I right?
  94. You’ll never guess whose blood is on my shirt
  95. It was just a casual affair
  96. My apologies
  97. I’ll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future
  98. That’s what you get for having butt ass naked roof top sex at night in the middle of December
  99. Worth it
  100. Fuck you!
  101. I’m the Pilot!
  102. Please and thank you
  103. Just come back with most of you limbs… and that mouth of yours
  104. I hate it when she philosophises on my counter drunkenly
  105. He has the ass of a Greek god, honey
  106. He made me break fast
  107. Not even sober to I understand Latin
  108. Drunk is not a location
  109. I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do to right side so now my crotch looks like Cruella Devil
  110. We kind of broke a table while making out
  111. I hate cats
  112. So yes, I’d say it was successful
  113. Pants are for mortals
  114. People like you and me aren’t meant to go for this long without sex
  115. Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in organised folders
  116. You forgot the part where I played slip and slide in my own puke and messed up my knee
  117. I was trying to save face
  118. He just got home drunk
  119. My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety
  120. It may be a clusterfuck, but I’ll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
  121. Why do I like him?
  122. He literally has no redeeming qualities
  123. Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes
  124. I’m going to have a badass scar
  125. Yo! Human Dorito, get your ass out here!
  126. We all know that badassery is carried of the xx chromosome
  127. 90% threatening to punch him in the dick and 10% actually punching him in the dick.
  128. This is like the walk of shame down memory lane
  129. FYI, At my funeral it’s your job to dramatically throw yourself on my casket
  130. Text me if you’re not dead and wanna have a drink later
  131. I’m confused
  132. I’m constantly crying
  133. Do you know anyone else who comes home with as many unexplainable injuries as we do every night?
  134. You keep asking me questions like I have a magic thing called a memory
  135. I want to kill someone right now but at the same time I just really need cuddles
  136. How do you get the ‘hangs out with drunk assholes’ insurance?
  137. I’m still trying to decide whether it’s a compliment or not
  138. It’s the never ending clusterfuck that is my love life
  139. I can say with absolute certainty the only time we’ve had a civil conversation was when we both liked pizza
  140. I’d like to subscribe to your Daddy issues
  141. I’m like, not good at living
  142. I did tell you I spoke over 30 languages
  143. I’m sorry I couldn’t bail you out, apparently they don’t take credit cards over the phone.
  144. Listen, I will certainly take anything I can get my little gay fingers on
  145. I don’t know where I am
  146. I make bad decisions on probably a regular basis
  147. I think this guy is dead
  148. We make up for it in dry humour
  149. What fucking idiot decided to make an entire stupid state where you can’t take a damn right turn. Fuck New Jersey
  150. She is so graceful and swan like
  151. Just calling to say thank you for not dying
  152. I’m still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy older than my grandpa
  153. It’s what god put me on earth for
  154. Sorry I wasn’t really responsible earlier. I was really high on adrenaline and very into that car chase
  155. EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT!
  156. I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
  157. How did I get here?
  158. It’s my life mission
  159. It took too long for people to come up with things for 'Never have I ever’ so we changed it to 'Don’t judge me but…’
  160. You ever feel like an organ is just failing you?
  161. If you with any of them tell them I apologise for (insert whatever I did wrong here)
  162. All you did was repeatedly scream 'GET IT IN’
  163. Hold on I’ll be right there; I can’t find my arm
  164. Just because I’m a woman and I’m cranky and irritable right now does not mean I’m on my period.
  165. Babe? It’s shark week.
  166. People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
  167. Did you at least make friends in jail?
  168. Help me?
  169. You just can’t follow orders, can you?
  170. What the hell is Code C?
  171. Between the Marvin Gaye and the candlelit dinner, I’d say you’re trying to woo me baby
  172. What made it obvious?
  173. Hell no! I went out this morning to buy those so you better put them right back down
  174. You’re interrupting date night!
  175. you predictable little shit
  176. You can pay me back in chocolate and cuddles
  177. Will you marry me?
  178. I love you and that scares me.
  179. When I told you to tell the cops, I meant federal agents not the local PD, idiot
  180. Why did you run out the room when I arrived?
  181. I feel like I should know you and I’m really sorry that I don’t
  182. I really really like you
  183. I hate you too. The feeling is mutual.
  184. Happened in Vegas, stays in Vegas
  185. I told you not to get into trouble.
  186. I would tell you it’s a pleasure to see you again but I’d be lying
  187. All I ask is….
  188. Boo! I scared you! I didn’t scare you did I?
  189. I knew you
  190. What did I tell you about touching stuff?
  191. I trusted you
  192. I asked you to stay safe for one mission. For one bloody mission and now look at you.
  193. We should get awards just for turning up when disaster strikes
  194. We haven’t been getting paid for years yet we have potentially the most dangerous job on the planet.
  195. We are so bloody stupid
  196. I need a doctor.
  197. Avengers Assemble. Team bonding session is mandatory. Everybody meet in the common room
  198. You’re such a dork
  199. Do you have any idea how many people are dead because I wasn’t clever enough, wasn’t quick enough, wasn’t strong enough, wasn’t good enough?
Scooby Dooby Doo, where are you?

Set in the same verse as the siren AU of an AU (see here and here), in which Jade is a werewolf and Dave also gets to experience the wonders of a supernatural date friend.

@camarilla-intuition I about 500% sure this was not what you meant. But this is what happened.


You love Jade Harley.

You really, really do.

Like, cross your heart and hope you die. You look at her, and you just up and fucking know, because it’s like a musical in your heart and you wanna get all funky with the tap dancing and twirling around lampposts while yodelling about unicorns and rainbows and Obama —it’s just true fucking love.

So. Jade Harley. All the love.

But she sheds like a motherfucker. Shedding as in massive loss of hair. It’s almost like you have a dog. FYI: you don’t. Unless it’s an invisible ghost dog like Karkat’s invisible ghost fish he buys fishfood for. Karkat doesn’t have a fish. Anymore. Had one, years ago, but Gamzee ate it. Accidentally.

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