A bizzare thing, this is - being false happy. It is an illusion that last momentarily. It is an empty void that appears out of nowhere when you’re out with your favourite people or after listening to a vibrant tune. It crawls through the crevices of your skin, to the veins of your heart, and to the neurons of your brain. It deteriorates whatever happiness that is left of you. It is the voice that lies but you listen to it anyway because that is enough for you, right? To feel happy - even if it fluctuates, even if it isn’t real. Because at the back of your head, at least for once, you can say that you felt being… “happy”.
A/N: This is based on both the MV and the ‘feel’, I guess you could call it. I recommend listening to the song, to get a better feel of the story. But, you do you! ^3^ Thanks in advance for reading!~ Jackie
“Goodluck, Minghao!” You shouted to him before sprinting out of backstage to return to your seat in the balcony, waving widely from your seat when Minghao poked his head through the curtain.
the lines on his face show his evident anger — and there isn’t much from stopping his switch from flipping from slightly psychotic to absolute chaotic masochist at this point. it’d been weeks since he’d heard from the person of subject, and he had to have answers. with his fist raised & finger shaking in fury, blood-red lips form disgusted words.
‘ I know you know where they are, and you’ve got maybe a few more chances to tell me before I blow your brains into the wall behind you. ’
he listens in amusement as the other mutters endless pleas followed by broken lies, only making him anger. he picks up a wooden bat and gets into form, swinging it down into the other’s kneecaps, his other fist following to smack the blood out of the other’s mouth.
‘FUCKING LIES!!where are they??’
as the joker moves to go for another blow, a small voice behind him stops, and he turns on his heel.
“what if they do the assessment and say you’re not autistic”
hahahaaaaaaaa ok that sounds fake but ok
i’m worried that because i am very verbal (if not stressed, if talking about something i’m obsessed with, if not stressed, when in a doctor’s office with the script of “say whatever the fuck your tax dollars pay them to listen to your problems”, if not stressed), and because i am a woman (or at least have breasts and like flowers and v-neck tops and have long hair and answer to she/her pronouns), and because i am legally an adult
that all of those will count against me, and the auditory processing issues, the sensory avoidance and seeking, the social issues (going nonverbal, difficulty reading people, difficulty interpreting what i read, difficulty modulating voice when emotional), the special interests, the fact that whatever is going on in my brain i believe it will make it difficult to find a job because that involves talking to people in a stressful anxiety-provoking way, that all of those will be discounted
or that, going the other way, if i am diagnosed, that people will ignore the “very verbal and opinionated and deserves being listened to because she has good points” because autistic and autistic means “nothing in there worth listening to”, because autistic means “to be pitied”, that mental health professionals and doctors and nurses will look at my file and see “autistic” and treat me like a child, treat me like mentally disabled means mentally deficient, that they will have a very specific set of stereotypes and if i don’t fit them one way they’ll ignore the places i do, and if i fit them the other way they’ll ignore the places i don’t, and either way they won’t see me they’ll see the person they attach to the label
and the label is mine the label is part of me but i am a three-dimensional collage of a million labels and i’m afraid that my collage will be ignored for what people think a collage with “autistic” in it should look like, one way or the other
Sometimes, when I’m feeling off and not quite right I hear that negative voice in my head whispering about all the things I can’t do. Whenever that happens I tend to think about when I had to do a stress management class after my breakdown in college.
There were two people who taught the classes - one taught ways to train your brain into thinking more positively whereas the other taught how to physically deal with stressful situations. I loved the second teacher, she was a sweet woman who introduced to the pleasures of meditation and was even nice enough to give me a CD to listen to while meditating, which I still own. The first teacher was a man who bugged the ever living shit out of me.
The thing is, as much as I disliked the first teacher I started to notice that as I went through the course my annoyance for him lessened. It wasn’t until the last week of class that I realized I was using the methods he taught me to deal with the stress his class brought me.
So, whenever I feel like I can’t do anything I just think back to that man and how I was able to go from disliking a condescending doctor to empathizing with him and feeling grateful for what he taught me; it only took 8 weeks, haha.
It’s nice to have that memory to look back on, especially on my off days.
August 13, 2016: a new episode of The Anatomy Lesson at 11pm EST on CFRC 101.9 FM ( @cfrcradio). Inspired by my brain slowly baking in a heat wave. Music by Marielle V Jakobsons, HNY, ZONES, Hybryds, Ariel Kalma, Nihiti, Tomaga, Babel, and more. Check out the whole setlist in the comments below, tune in at 101.9 on your FM dial, stream at http://audio.cfrc.ca:8000/listen.pls or download the finished show at cfrc.ca.
Marielle V Jakobsons - “Rising Light” Star Core Synth Sisters - "Sunrise, Guide Us” Aube ZONES - “Heats” After Image Three Fourth Tigers - “Other Landings” Indoor Voice (2015) Ariel Kalma - “Danse Soeur” Interfrequence (1980) Tomaga - “Giant Cosmic Tear” Familiar Obstacles (2015)
Babel - “Herz” This Is The Sacred Fire Vol. 1 Babel - “Seele” This Is The Sacred Fire Vol. 1 Live Low - “To the Earth” Live Low (2015) Nihiti - “Sun Shatterer” For Ostland (2012) Hybryds - “Drifting Moon” Music for Rituals (1991) HNY - “Dead Air” Mute In The Dust (2008)