listen i have this overwhelming desire

jalapeno--business  asked:

So whenever I read trc, I'm always overwhelmed by this almost pathological desire to experience the same feelings of wonder and beauty and magic that you describe in the series. Yes, I understand that there is no sentient, magical forest to discover, and no sleeping king that I can search for, but I still have this urge to have similar feelings and experiences in my life. So how do you experience a similar kind of magic and wonder that you describe in your books, in everyday life?

Dear jalapeno–business,

Are you listening closely?

As an author, I travel a lot. At one point, I was on the road one day out of every three — planes, hotels, rental cars. There’s a rhythm to it, like running up a very long flight of stairs. You figure out how many stairs you can take in a jump, and how to breathe-in-breathe-out to keep from wasting your lungs, and you learn how to tell when you have to stop to rest your knees or you just won’t make it to the top. 

The airports and the planes and the people can all start to seem the same after awhile, if you’re looking at them wrong. If you let them. Anything in life can sound ordinary if that’s all you’re listening for.

Back in 2014, I was in a Texas airport. The night had that glittering senseless jitter to it that happens when you’re tired but going home, finally going home. I was early for my flight and sitting several gates away from my real gate, listening to music. A young man sat down two seats away. Ordinarily, tired and occupied with the peculiar every-day magic of the music in my headphones, I wouldn’t have noticed him, but a moment later, a phone rang. He asked if it was mine; it wasn’t. Someone had forgotten it on the seat between us. 

We both looked at it.

It rang again for someone who didn’t know to pick up, and then he took it away to one of the United desks for them to give it to someone who would listen. He didn’t return.

Two hours later, I went to my real gate to board. Full flight. Everyone was checking and double-checking their seat assignments as they defended their right to aisles and windows. When my seatmate settled himself next to me, I looked up, and it was the guy from the waiting area. He had a tilt to his chin that telegraphed that he thought he was hot shit and a grin that said he recognized me. 



We laughed ruefully and applied our headphones — we both knew the routine of polite air travel. But the agreeable tingle of the coincidence still ate at me, and I could tell it ate at him, too, because after a few moments, he offered me a truffle from his bag. I told him I couldn’t take it because of my allergies, but the headphones came off. We started to talk.

And he was a big talker. He was cocky. A surgical resident. He told me how he loved the hell out of taking internal organs out of people. He described how he listened to sixty-minute epic soundtracks in his ear buds while he removed appendixes and gallbladders, kidneys and stones. He told me of watching Dateline by himself at the end of seventy and eighty hour work weeks, and he told me about his Hyundai, which I made fun of. Confidentially, he whispered to me about a surgeon he knew who had the goal of removing every gallbladder in Texas. Two hours into the flight, the conversation tilted toward spirituality. He’s hot shit, he confessed, and works hard, but he sometimes wonders if he’s allowed to want to be successful, or if that makes him a bad person. Because he’s working a lot of hours in a week, and he’s tired, but he’s pretty sure that he’s hot shit, but maybe that’s not allowed.

I was watching him fumble his fingers over each other. He was scratching a hole in his own palm.

And all at once there was a phone in my head, and it was ringing just for me. 

“One of your parents has obsessive-compulsive disorder,” I told him. “Maybe both.”

The shimmering grin slipped. “How did you know? How could you know that?” 

I asked him if he was getting treatment for it.

He said, “No, no, I’m over it. How could you know that?”

Because in a foggy way, that phone was still ringing between us, and now, I recognized the number.

I said, “Don’t kill yourself.”

He replied, “No way,” and then he started to cry. 

The shit-eating grin had vanished. He told me how he’d made up his mind that he didn’t want to make it to 35. He’d researched all the ways to make sure he didn’t. Over the next hour, I told him about my OCD, and how I thought his uncertainty over wanting to be successful but also wanting to be humble was a function of his OCD’s spiritual obsession. That he wasn’t over OCD, that you never were, but that his agony didn’t have to be a real thing. He could be both humble and successful. It wasn’t against the rules of goodness to be proud of what you’d done, as long as you were doing things for the right reasons. I told him how once I bought a race car, but I’d given it away to someone who could use the money, because I realized I was only racing to look sexy in a car, and not because it was really making me happy. 

I told him he didn’t have to worry about looking sexy in a Hyundai, though, and he replied that he would look sexy in anything, and then he cried a little more. 

Everyone else in the plane was asleep, but we were wide awake.

When we got off the plane in Virginia, the surgical resident gave me an awkward side-hug, and he wiped his face. Then he dug in his bag for the wrapper from his truffle. As the other travelers shuffled past us sleepily, he pressed it into my hand. He didn’t want to give me his name, he said, but he wanted something for me to remember so that when we ran into each other again in 15 years, I’d know who he was.

After we’d parted ways, I turned my phone off airplane mode, and a text came in that had been sent while I was in the air. It was from the person I’d given the race car to. I hadn’t heard from him in nearly six months. The text said only: thank u maggie i have such a hppy life bc of u


You have to be listening closely. Phones are ringing all over the world, and sometimes they look like magical forests, and sometimes they look like race cars, and sometimes they look like surgical residents.



Yuzuru Hanyu’s Mentality that Continues to Win.
–article by sports writer Toshimi Oriyama, from magazine ‘文藝春秋 2017年 02 月号’ (published in Jan 2017), translated by me.

(it’s a very long and good article)

Last year, in the figure skating Grand Prix Final (GPF) held in Marseille, France, Yuzuru Hanyu achieved a 4th consecutive victory, something that no one has done before. On the first day, his short programme (SP) was almost perfect and he was in 1st place, then 2 days later, for the free programme (FP), he made some mistakes. But he managed to escape the chase by younger skaters, Nathan Chen and Shoma Uno.

The 22 year-old, who is the Sochi Olympic gold medalist and who has since broken the world records a few times, thought back calmly about GPF 2016.
“As a goal, I am very proud of the 4th straight victory. But I am not satisfied with my performance. I am extremely 'kuyashii’ (frustrated/regretful) about the FP score which was in 3rd place. I did a good performance for SP and I thought if I did a fairly good one for FP, I could aim for world highest score; I need to review this point within myself.”

GPF is the high point of the first half of the season. It is a competition that shows the world’s best, similar to World Championship of the 2nd half. Hanyu’s 4th victory puts him on par with the 'emperor’ Evgeny Plushenko (Russia). However, for Hanyu, instead of the joy of victory, he felt more of the regret that he 'could not do a convincing performance’. And this ambition and hungriness is the mentality that is the source of Hanyu’s strength.

2010, Hanyu won the World Junior Championship, and the next season, he moved to the senior competitions. From that time, his supple and graceful performances already had a charm and the beauty of his jumps had a good reputation. Then, in 2011, in his hometown of Sendai, the Great East Japan Earthquake struck; that painful experience and recurring thoughts like “I think I will not be able to skate again” surely led him to grow as a person.

However, to possess that special mental strength to be able to stand at the highest point at the Olympics and to continue winning after that, there were 3 other turning points.
The presence of Patrick Chan (Canada) who was called 'the absolute champion’.
The 'kuyashii’ (regretful) gold medal at Sochi Olympics.
The accident at 2014 Cup of China.

Hanyu’s mental strength that could be seen in glimpses from the time of his debut, the 2013-2014 season added 'calmness’ and a 'spirit of study’ to that.
The year before, he had moved to the Cricket Club in Canada to train under Brian Orser and his abilities continued to blossom.
And there was a rival who was a big impetus for him. 3-time World champion Patrick Chan who also won GPF twice and was acknowledged to have the best skating skills in the world, plus huge battle strength on the big stage.

Hanyu faced Chan in 2 GP series competitions in 2013. The 1st one was Skate Canada where his score was lower than Chan’s by 27 points and the 2nd one was Trophee Eric Bompard where the gap was 32 points. He was 2nd place in both competitions and you could say it was a crushing defeat.

But these 2 straight losses caused Hanyu to change. Especially Chan’s clean performances at Trophee Eric Bompard that hit record scores for both SP and FP, “it was a trigger for me to look at my own abilities objectively”.
“I had nothing but respect and admiration for Patrick’s perfect performance. But at that competition, if both Patrick and I did perfect performances, I knew clearly how much of a gap there would be, and that made a big impact. At that time, I would have lost by about 5 points.”

No matter how perfectly he himself skated, there was a difference in the difficulty of jumps, the level of programme components and such; the reality was that if the opponent does not make mistakes, he (Hanyu) would lose. That was thrusted clearly at him in the form of results.
“To cover the gap between Patrick and me, there was a need to increase PCS. To do that, I had to relook at /improve my skating skills which is the foundation, and I had to be more aware of maintaining my expressive abilities during the run-through practice of the physically demanding programme. In addition, I had to get points for spins and steps, and higher GOE for jumps, I thought about all these things.”

Being conscious of the specific scores, having a strategy in the programme, he also came to have a deeper understanding of the meaning behind the practice that Coach Orser laid out for attaining high scores.

Also, he got a hint for his own growth from the words that Chan said.
During the press conference after the competition, sitting next to him, Chan was explaining in detail to the reporters how he was mindful about the way he used his body to express the music. Hanyu listened and “it was a good reference for my own performance”. After moving to Toronto, he had started learning English, so he probably understood the words between Chan and the reporter.

Hanyu at that time was only 19 (t/n. it was just before his 19th birthday). I have interviewed many athletes, not just figure skaters. But at press conferences of international competitions where foreign reporters overwhelm, even I feel that the nervousness is very pressurising. To turn that situation into a “learning area”, that 'spirit of desire’ deserves special mention.

When he received that impetus from Chan, at the same time there were words that made one feel the power of Hanyu’s inquiring mind. “Surrounded by reporters and being interviewed on-the-spot is useful,” he said.
“After a competition, media people surround me; in the exchange that I have with reporters, I can look back at my performance and talk about it right after I finish performing. I like to analyse my own performance, so it is very stimulating to have questions flying at me from various view points, and also, it enables me to think in a way that’s different from before. Interviews become a place for learning.”

Even veteran athletes find it hard to say something like this. It clearly shows his youth, and stemming from it, his frankness and inquiring mind.

The result of the impetus and learning points from Chan was seen quickly, at the GPF merely 3 weeks after the crushing defeat at Eric Bompard. Hanyu rewrote the world’s highest score for SP that was previously held by Chan, and his FP score was also his personal best. His total score was 13 points more than Chan and he won his first senior GPF.

Using the gold medal

Maintaining that energy/momentum was the key to the Olympic stage 2 months later.

His SP was a masterpiece and, for the 1st time in history, the score went above 100. He was in 1st place with 101.45. But for the FP, he fell at the 4S and 3F. He thought Chan who was 2nd after SP, would overtake him to be the winner. However, Chan also made mistakes and the result was that Hanyu won the gold medal.

“When I finished my performance, I thought the gold medal was not possible anymore. The failure of my FP made me realise the fearfulness of the Olympics, and I also felt the weight of the Olympics. I don’t know why but somehow my body could not move at all.”

The Olympic stage that’s once in 4 years. Participating for the first time and suddenly, he stood right at the top. Winning the first figure skating men’s gold medal for Japan, Hanyu decided immediately after that he would continue to evolve.

“In these next 4 years from now on, the pressure and the attention from the media and such, I think there will be a lot more of these extra things following me. In competitions, judges will not give me a higher evaluation just because I am an Olympic champion. How others see me does not matter. I myself must give a performance that’s worthy of a champion and really receive a gold medal evaluation. In this sense, I must make use of the position of 'Olympic Champion’. Because it is a chance for me to keep putting pressure on myself. Like telling myself, 'Oi, show us an Olympic champion-like performance! Hanyu Yuzuru, show some growth!’ (laughs)”

Then, the performance that left regrets on the Olympic stage, it became the will and desire to move forward to the next step. Thinking back, he said,
“For the FP at Sochi, if I had landed the quad salchow and done a no-miss performance, I would very likely be dragged by the Olympic champion result. Precisely because the Sochi gold medal was one that was carrying regretful thoughts, that’s why the present me exists. I got the Olympic gold medal at such a young age, and in addition, I received some problems to work on. As an athlete, this was really a lavish situation.”

A shocking collision

The season after Sochi, just as he said, he grew further, stepping his foot into unknown territory.
To prepare for the coming era of quads, he put a 4S and two 4Ts in his FP, and one of the 4T was in the 2nd half where more points would be given. To get used to this, he also put a 4T in the 2nd half of his SP. He spoke about the objective.
“It’s also preparation/groundwork for incorporating other kinds of quad jumps in future.”

However, his efforts met an unexpected setback at the 1st competition of the season, Cup of China (CoC). In the 6 minute warm-up before FP, there was an accident; he and Han Yan of China crashed into each other.
Blood could be seen dripping from Hanyu’s head (t/n. his chin) and there were screams from the audience. Coach Orser quickly called the doctors (t/n. U.S. team doctors came to help). After checking him, the doctors said there were no signs of concussion, but people around him told him not to skate.

However, Hanyu was stubborn. “I will skate.”

Orser reluctantly sent him into the rink, but of course, it was not the performance (that was planned). His whole body was battered and there was no strength, he fell a total of 5 times. What was pushing him on was his will power alone.
After this, he continued to compete until GPF, but the venture to make his performance one rank higher had to be shelved.

At the end of the year, due to intermittent abdominal pain, he went to the hospital for a checkup. He was found to have Urachal Remnant Disorder and underwent surgery. After that, he needed to rest and recover for one month. When he started to train again, he sprained his right ankle. Due to all this, he was 2nd in the World Championship that he was aiming for a 2nd straight victory. Even though he had a 2nd straight win at GPF, to him it was a year of stagnation.

After Worlds, he looked back on the season that was troubled by many accidents.
“The injuries and illnesses were hard on not only the body but on the mind/spirit as well. But even under those circumstances, I could at the very least leave some results; to me this experience was not not totally negative.
For the accident at CoC, there was insufficient attention on my part, so it triggered a re-looking at the way I entered into the competition, including the way I manage my body condition. And also, more than anything else, the way I was supported by my coaches and the people around me, it was a season where I felt it even more deeply than the Olympic season. All these experiences will be a plus in my competitive skating life, and also in my 2nd career after I retire.”

He also thought about the development of figure skating as a competitive sport. Based on his own accident, he said, “figure skating is a sport with an element of danger that can be a risk to life –that this is known to more people is a plus to the development of the sport.”  He also said he was happy that it gave rise to a tide of thoughts on what is necessary to prevent concussions and other life-threatening accidents.

No matter what 'minus’ elements there are, he transforms them into 'plus’, seizes them and looks ahead. As a reporter, this attitude of his amazes me from time to time.

Even when he is bleeding from his head, he is determined that he must go on with the competition; it was also due to the pride that comes because of achieving the title of Olympic champion (t/n. 'pride’ in the positive meaning). Hanyu very naturally has that on him.

The next season, 2015-2016, Hanyu once again challenged the programmes with a quad in the 2nd half.

In the 1st competition, Skate Canada, he was too conscious of the “quad in 2nd half” and made some unthinkable mistakes. As a result, he lost to Chan who had just returned from a year of rest.

However, it was different from before. Chan’s programme layout was lower in difficulty than his own, and he lost to Chan’s 'safe driving’ performance. It made him check/confirm if the direction and path that he was going was correct.
“Seeking even greater evolution is what is most like me.”

For his SP, in exchange for not having a quad in the 2nd half, he put 2 quads in the first half, 4S and 4T, making it even more difficult.
No matter what, he wants to challenge himself and this also raised his concentration power.  At the next competition, he scored 322.40, the first above-300 points in history. And then at GPF, he broke his own records with 330.43. With difficult programmes and clean performances back-to-back, it was a stunning victory over rivals Chan and Fernandez.

Storming through the 300-mark which no one has even touched before, Hanyu’s mental aspect has also reached that high level which normal people cannot comprehend.

“At Sochi Olympics, my free skate performance failed. When I finished, I thought 'the gold medal is gone’. And at that moment, I realised, 'ah, so I was conscious of the gold medal and I was nervous’. This time, that experience at Sochi was put to good use. Before entering the venue, I was aware that I was thinking 'I want to surpass 300 points’. So first, I acknowledged that I am thinking about that and putting pressure on myself, and then, 'if so, I have to do this’ and I think I controlled well my mental state.”

In a situation of being closely chased, the strength to look at himself calmly brought forth a spectacular feat.

For the 2016-2017 season, he decided on new challenges, having a quad loop in both SP and FP and a layout that’s more difficult. When 2016 started, the pain in his left foot (t/n. lisfranc injury) became worse, and after Worlds, even walking was not allowed and this restriction period continued for one and a half months. But in spite of that, he still aimed for further evolution.

Connection with the audience

But it was also an inevitable decision. The previous season, Boyang Jin (China) had 3 types of quads, including the most difficult (of the quads jumped til now) quad lutz, and 6 quads in total for SP and FP and he was 3rd in Worlds. Then Shoma Uno did the world’s 1st quad flip in the Team Challenge Cup in April.

Hanyu himself opened up the frontier of 300 points. Rising young skaters have quads as weapons to challenge him. And it’s not just about having quads, it is about the number of quads and how well they are done; this era of competition has come.

This season, in addition to jumps and layout, Hanyu is widening his range of expression. This can be said as his real value/ ability.

His SP is Prince’s 'Let’s Go Crazy’. It’s rock music that brings to mind his Sochi Olympics SP 'Parisienne Walkways’. FP is 'Hope and Legacy’ which is a combination of 2 pieces of piano music from Joe Hisaishi that Hanyu likes very much. They are 2 contrasting types of music. SP is an uptempo music that Hanyu is very good at; FP piano music has a rhythm and sounds that are harder to grasp for jump timing.
Having 2 completely opposite types of music was for raising his own expressive abilities. At GP Final which he won for the 4th consecutive time, he spoke of being aware of a 'connection with the audience’.

“This season’s SP, I am performing it like a rock star having a live concert, so it’s a programme that is not possible without the audience. In France (GPF), the audience also became very excited and it was very fun. Then for the FP, I could perform while feeling the music with my whole body. It’s different from the SP, it’s not a programme where the audience becomes more and more excited and clap and go WA!!! But during the performance, I could feel the gaze of the audience, and when I did my jumps, I could see there were people praying for me. I connected with the audience, in other words, our feelings became one, and I felt this happiness.”

Something that is in the beat and the meaning of the lyrics of Prince; abandoning yourself to the piano music of Joe Hisaishi and feeling the wind, the trees, the air and other things of nature. Sharing with the audience the world that you express through skating, wanting to create a programme that’s like having a conversation with the audience – that is one of the complete forms of figure skating which is sports and also art.

From TV and books etc, Hanyu studies the ways of thinking of athletes from other sports and reflects them in skating. He often says that this is his weapon. Recently, gymnast Kohei Uchimura who won a consecutive victory at Rio Olympics said, “I had to win, it was good.” Words in which you could feel the heavy pressure on someone who stood at the top, those words left a deep impression on him. Without being imprisoned by existing boundaries, he wants to pursue figure skating further and further, this is his thinking.

“Receiving the programmes from the choreographer, integrating jumps into it and performing it, that is my job/work. When all the jumps are completed beautifully, then it can be called a real performance. That is why I am so regretful (kuyashii); while adding in a new quad and doing a layout that’s more difficult than last season, I am still not able to make a new personal best score this season. If I speak my true feelings, I want to raise my scores and become the Yuzuru Hanyu that no one can catch.”

For his own growth, for figure skating as a sport, his desire/greed never fades, and this is his true strength as a skater. And it can also be said that this is why he makes us feel that for him there are infinite possibilities.

– original article by sports writer Ms.Toshimi Oriyama;  very sorry if I didn’t translate it well enough. 

A Lone Wolf

Summary: You’re a werewolf, and just as mating season is coming, you happen to find Mark, the one person who can give you what you need.

Genre: Smut, fluff

Length: 2684

Requested Here.


It happened a lot faster than you expected. By now you’d think that you would’ve gotten the hang of it and kept track of the cycles, but you just got so distracted with work and school and life that mating season always hit you like a bag of bricks. That was the worst part of being a werewolf. You could handle full moons and the various packs you came across, but mating season was the worst.

Keep reading

i want more (a jean/lucien, tdbm fic)

a coda to 5.02 so minor spoilers if you haven’t seen it! 

1100 words

Lucien pulled her even closer to him and tightened his hold on her, still swaying gently to the music. He sighed in absolute contentment, his exhalation ruffling her hair. 

“I like having you close to me, Jean.” 

He ducked his head and stole a kiss from her, pleased when she reciprocated by pressing her lips against his more firmly. He broke away, forehead resting on hers. 

This time it was Jean who shuffled impossibly closer, tucking her head under his chin. She brought their joined hands between them and continued to sway. 

Keep reading

wildingpines  asked:

ok but you can catch just after they collectively pull magnus' jacket off and alec comes closer, you can see, nay FEEL the lust and need and desire laden WANT dripping out of his eyes. i am still not over everything about that scene.


Listen, listen, okay… this scene was a huge fuck you to everyone who ever even hinted that Matt and Harry did not have chemistry or that they were uncomfortable being physical.

This scene is the most natural scene to exist in this show. It was amazing. You honestly felt everything they were feeling, all that joy and giddiness and happiness and want and desire and lust. I’m legit overwhelmed by this scene. I have lost count of how many times I’ve watched it. It’s a problem tbh.

anonymous asked:

I'm a new Suga fan, and I was really shook by his Agust D releases, and then I listened to First Love, and my love for him just exponentiated. Can you describe to me how you feel about First Love? When I listen to it, I'm heartbroken, I'm touched, I'm uplifted, and I just have such an instinctive desire to want to hug him. It's so overwhelming, this feeling, and seeing him cry at MAMA - ahh, the feels are too strong, I'll leave now

This ask has been in my inbox since MAMA… and I’m still not sure if I can respond to it as eloquently as I’d want it to seem. LOL. But here it goes…

I admired Min Yoongi from the moment I understood HYYH pt. Intro’s lyrics and I even fell harder for him because of Nevermind.

Just from those two songs I learned that having a dream and being passionate can be empty if you don’t have the courage and will to change your current state. I listened to those songs almost every night til I had the courage to finally stand up for what I wanted to do with my life. I watched over him from that point. Seeing so many layers to him kept me interested.

I paid more attention to the songs he made and the lyrics he wrote, how he interacted with each member, every interview he answered… tough I know they only still let on what they want us to know.

When Agust D came out, needless to say, I was shook. I was catatonic for a few minutes when his MV came out. His MV rendered me immobile. Staring. I cried after. And cried again after I read the translation for every song especially The Last. For someone to openly talk about what he has been through… For someone to have that burden that never leaves… It broke my heart and made me feel less alone with what I had to go through too. I know his words spoke to a lot of us.

First Love, gets me giddy. I’m amazed at how strong he has held on to his dream. How determined he was at a young age. That song gives me faith that he will keep fighting and keep doing what he loves.

His tears at MAMA 2016 were tears well fought. I want to see him cry out of happiness. I want to keep seeing him reach his dreams. He literally tells us his goals every year and just achieves each and every one of them.

My heart will always go out to Min Yoongi, I will always be happy for him and I will always wish that he reaches his dreams. I will keep hoping he gets all the love and happiness he deserves. :D

Imagine: He kidnaps you /Part 3

Originally posted by thebreakofdawn

Originally posted by nitratediva

Your P.O.V.

Hate mixed with my fear and it made me frustrated. My boyfriend, or now easily ex boyfriend, had played a stupid game and thanks to him I was here. I bit my bottom lip and tried to stop my tears, but it was damn hard. Joker stood there in front of me, watching my reaction very closely. I was so disappointed in everything.. this made me feel so small and fragile.

‘’Oh sweetcheeks don’t you cry’’ Joker fake pouted at me. I looked away from his scary yet kinda beautiful eyes and then looked at my surroundings. The room was strange. It had plenty of knives, guns, needles and other strange weapons in here. The walls were grey and the floor was white, reminding me of a hospital. I bet this was some kind of a basement since I saw no windows. Just realizing the situation made me anxious, the feeling taking over my entire body.

‘’Hm I think I know how to take revenge on him’’ He whispered darkly and I looked back at him with my red and glossy eyes. Suddenly he clapped his hands right in front of my face, causing me to flinch and shut my eyes tightly, expecting to get hit. Silence fell into the room. What the fuck was that for?

‘’Let’s kill him’’ He cheered happily and caused me to open my eyes. He was smiling like he had figured out how to become a millionaire or something. ‘’K-Kill him?’’ I whimpered and grew worried. He again was totally serious and I bet he already had a plan how to murder him. Even tho I hated the guy, I felt sad and scared. I didn’t want him dead.

‘’Yes! And I know exactly how’’ He continued happily and gave me a strange look. He stared at me for so long that I realized what he meant. ‘’I won’t do it’’ I told him quietly and tried to sound brave. It just made him laugh and he walked to a table with some strange things. ‘’Oh yes you will’’ He then told me and grabbed a piece of brown leather and walked back to me. I stared at it and wondered how that was supposed to help him.

‘’Open up’’ He demanded with a voice barely above a whisper. I was too scared to disobey so I opened my mouth and it caused him to smile. I let him put the leather strap in my mouth and then I bit it with my teeth. ‘’Ah you’re so good!’’ He chirped excitedly. ‘’..too bad I’m going to hurt ya’’ He snickered and then went back to grab the pulls. My eyes widened at his words. I didn’t want any more pain. I’ve had enough. A shiver ran down my nose and I felt fresh tears forming in the corners of my E/C eyes. 

Joker walked back to me and then sighed. ‘’Consider yourself lucky. If you do well, I might keep ya around’’ He told me rather calmly. I wanted to talk, but I didn’t want to drop the leather. ‘’I hope you like see, this might shock you’’ He giggled and then came super close to my face. Our eyes met and I tried to mentally beg for his mercy, but who was I kidding? It was the Joker!

*Skip shock therapy part. I wrote an entire imagine of it, so if you want to read it, click here*

My head ached. The soft pillow under my head didn’t help at all. I groaned and pulled the blanket closer so it covered me more, only letting my head show.

But this didn’t feel like my bed.

I opened my eyes and realized that this wasn’t even my bedroom, or technically my and my boyfriend’s bedroom. It was so much more fancier and I saw a gigantic window that showed me a big part of Gotham city. It was beautiful.

‘’I see you’re awake’’ A raspy voice broke the silence and suddenly someone got in bed. I turned around to see a man with green hair who I quickly recognized to be the Joker. ‘’Well duh’’ I spat a little annoyed from the head ache. He smiled proudly as he looked at me. Why? Why didn’t I remember the past least day? The last thing I remembered was fighting with my boyfriend and then some flashes of Joker. But no details. Yet I felt comfortable being here with him.

‘’Are you still scared?’’ He asked me and that’s when I noticed that he was shirtless. Damn he was hot. ‘’Should I?’’ I raised my eyebrow and then sat up , yawning a little tiredly. He laughed by himself and got closer to me. Suddenly he cupped my cheeks with his big and warm hands. ‘’Oh Y/N I knew it would work on you! Tomorrow we have a big mission’’ He told me happily.

What had worked on me?

‘’Your ex boyfriend will die’’ He declared and suddenly I remembered him talking about killing that douche. I could already imagine his dead body for some reason. Suddenly an overwhelming desire to kill him took over me. It’s like it was planted in my head that I had to kill him no matter what. 

‘’Yes he will’’ I mumbled and a sinister feeling took over me. Why had I been so kind all my life? Time to make people listen to me.. 

As I looked at Joker looking at me, I smiled. All my fear towards this psychopathic homicidal man was gone, vanished! In my eyes he was the most interesting person ever. Whatever he had done to me clearly changed my mind. I felt like I could do anything for him, at least kill my ex!

Someone send me some wholesome content

I feel like a disappointment and a loose end to everyone who cares about me. The one who doesn’t belong, and who talks too much and says too little. I am practically bursting, all the time with a desire to help. It’s my duty to nurture and raise up the people around me, and it has been for most of my life.

But somehow I’ve made it about me. My extra, dramatic, extravagant ass…now that I actually have people around to care about me, and listen to me, I’ve overcompensated for years of silence and solitude. It’s deafening, the roar of repressed everything that spills out of me. And I know they don’t say so directly, but I feel like my friends are overwhelmed.

Also I can’t stop thinking about my shitty ex, and how much I miss her even though I really, really should not. I feel so alone, and so helpless, and so selfish. I just want to feel like I’m Good again. And I don’t know how long that’s going to take, or what I have to do to get there. 

Been a while

Hey, gang, it’s been a bit, huh?

Things are stressful but there’s good stuff happening too. I got a commission from my frond and that was helpful, but I need to get so many more commissions to make enough difference. Art is hard, y'all.

I have been a little lax on melting myself–such a shame!–but I’m getting back into the mood. And I’ve had one or two little bimbofying occasions~

Plus I listened to the cock-dumb file again last night because I was drunk and horny. I love the way it overwhelms me and drops me into this pink abyss of arousal and desire and dumber and deeper.

I did have a good time with my first laughter trigger, with thanks to @hypnoheadbutt. I made my weird snort-wheeze noise that comes from laughing to hard.

I’m thinking about trying my hand at being the hypnotist. It might be interesting.

Little Criminal
Little Criminal

MOLLY DRAG - Little Criminal

“Confessional” is a term used to describe music that invokes a wide range of emotions, depending on the listener. To some, music described as “confessional” is not desirable, in that the emotional nature of the lyrics can have the tendency to overwhelm the sounds that go along with it. To others, confessional music bonds the listener to the artist, as if they were getting a glimpse of their soul.

MOLLY DRAG definitely falls into the latter category. Their most recent release, Deeply Flawed, is a sprawling journey through the many highs and lows of one’s journey through life. I particularly enjoyed “Little Criminal”; what starts as a seemingly simple acoustic jam eventually covers an interesting range of emotions. “Little Criminal”, as with the rest of Deeply Flawed, showcases masterful production, a welcome addition to the idea of confessional music. Take a listen to Deeply Flawed over on Bandcamp and as always, enjoy.

She’s the girl who sat behind me in AP English for an entire year
And I didn’t know her name until the last day of school
Part of our grade was based on class participation
And as she read her poem aloud in front of the class with shaking hands
I memorized the locations of the birthmarks on her skin
And thought about how beautiful they could look
If I mapped them out and put them in the night sky

My friends invite her to hang out
And she doesn’t talk almost the entire time
One friend of mine points at her and looks at me
He asks “Does she even talk?”
She smiles politely and says “hi”
I wonder if he understands
that sometimes silence speaks louder than words ever could
And I can hear her loud and clear
Her silence digs malevolently
Into the deepest cavity of my brain
And I have an overwhelming desire
To know what keeps her up at 2am

She has this problem where she can write beautifully
But she still stutters and trips over her words
Thinking that her words are insignificant
That nobody listens, so why bother at all?
But I take in every word like a breath of fresh air
Each one a root that stems into another reason
That makes me question why
I had never looked back before that day
And makes me realize
that I never want to look back again

She lives her life hidden
Behind the lens of a camera
Behind the pages of a book
Behind the screen of a computer
Behind a composition notebook
Because for her, a crowd is not a cure for loneliness
She feels loneliness most insistently in crowds
Social claustrophobia pressed against her lungs
You must understand that she would rather
move her pen than move her lips
because the ink spills, but her voice dries up

You would think that she could just speak what she writes
But her fingers have been taught elegance
And her mouth has not
She always ends up accidentally swallowing her tied up tongue
She goes home every day with lips cracked with regret
of all the things that she should have said

The first time that she and I spent alone together
I couldn’t construct words into sentences
We spoke about our mutual hatred for math
But ironically, I spent hours calculating
How many times she looked at me that day
And measured each angle of the hairpin curve
of her smile when she laughed
The softness of her voice made me want to curl up
Inside of her throat so I could feel the way that words
left her lips when she spoke
She hates her voice
But it is still the soundtrack
Stuck on repeat every night
Before I drift asleep

My heartbeat has kept me awake for four nights now
But I don’t understand the language that it speaks
So I put a stethoscope over my chest
And plug it into my laptop
But Google translate still hasn’t found out
How to translate this feeling into words
There are millions of words in the English language
But no combination of 26 letters
Can accurately compose a novel
About how vulnerable and uncoordinated
She makes me feel

She’s the girl who sat behind me in AP English for an entire year
And I didn’t know her name until the last day of school
Part of our grade was based on class participation
And as she read her poem aloud in front of the class with shaking hands
It was the first time that I felt paralysis shock sent through my body
I was eighteen years old and staring into the shy eyes
of a beautiful girl with a beautiful mind who has since taught me
that falling in love is the most beautiful
and most reckless form of insanity
there is

—  “Falling for an Introvert”
Wildfire (FMA, Roy Mustang)

For Elle, who inspires me all the time to write and allows me to be selfish in my writing, and wonderlandweird, who asked me as well. Everyone knows how much I love talking about vengeful Roy Mustang, so here you go. This would be considered a sequel to the events that take place in Drabble 93 (“Shackles”) and what Riza mentioned to Ed in Drabble 36 (“Dog”), but if you don’t feel like reading that, the gist is this: do not kidnap Riza Hawkeye or suffer the consequences. I listened to In the House, In a Heartbeat by John Murphy relatively on repeat while writing this.


The desire to snag a cigarette and take a few drags was almost overwhelming, but Havoc kept his hands on his service weapon and reminded himself for the tenth time that smoking was a bad idea right now. For once though, it wasn’t the nicotine craving that was drilling in the desire for a smoke, but the nerves that felt like they were crawling under his skin. He didn’t get nervous on missions very often, having learned a multitude of ways to counteract the feeling, but nothing short of a soothing bad habit would still him now.

It wasn’t the fact that he was scared. Maybe he wasn’t the brightest bulb in the box, but he knew that there was any room for fear when it came to field work. Fear lead to mistakes and mistakes could lead to people getting injured or killed. But then, Havoc almost wasn’t dumb enough to not feel some sort of fear or anxiousness right now. And whether he liked it or not, whenever he felt anxious, he wanted a smoke.

Besides, he wasn’t scared for himself. He didn’t even think that he was scared for the people they were currently preparing to bombard.

The person that Havoc was scared for stood in front of him, his thick military coat hanging over him like a dark shadow, head bowed slightly as he adjusted the white gloves on his hands, his gun tucked uselessly in the holster where it would most likely stay. Colonel Roy Mustang looked more like an oncoming storm than a soldier, and that was a frightening sight indeed.

Havoc pressed his lips together when Mustang gave the silent command to follow him. He tried desperately to think of what Hawkeye would do in this situation, but then, it was because of her that they were here in the first place. The building that they had determined was the hideout of the remaining suspects was on the outskirts of town in a seemingly innocuous area. It reminded him of the types of homes that he had grown up around in the country, an old building with character that gave nothing away on the outside.

Meanwhile, on the inside, this very place held the man that had planned and executed First Lieutenant Riza Hawkeye’s kidnapping merely two weeks ago.

Keep reading

things i need to do today:

  • study

things i have done:

  • been suddenly struck with the overwhelming desire to listen to the princess diaries soundtrack
  • used my mobile data to download the entire princess diaries soundtrack 
  • cried over how moving and uplifting the princess diaries soundtrack is
  • danced to the princess diaries soundtrack alone in the spare room of my grandma’s apartment in her retirement village
  • eaten 3 pieces of toast
My life is a perpetual question mark–my thirst for books, my observations of people, all tend to satisfy a great, overwhelming desire to know, to understand, to find an answer to a million questions. And gradually the answers are revealed, many things are explained, and above all, many things are given names and described, and my restlessness is subdued. Then I become an exclamatory person, clapping my hands to the immense surprises the world holds for me, and falling from one ecstasy into another. I have the habit of peeping and prying and listening and seeking–passionate curiosity and expectation. But I have also the habit of being surprised, the habit of being filled with wonder and satisfaction each time I stumble on some wondrous thing.
—  Anaïs Nin

lovelifeandcats  asked:

Hi rose! I've been watching you and Rosie's videos since you guys were only at 45,000 subscribers and I just wanted to thank you guys for all of the help you've given me over the years. Not only with my sexuality. I've been living with extreme anxiety my whole life and it just feels so comforting knowing that you also have an anxiety disorder but you don't let it run your life. You are my biggest inspiration and seeing you live positively makes me want to drive for the same. Thank you so much.

Wow that was so nice! :) Giving other people hope when it comes to anxiety disorders makes me feel like I’ve actually achieved something. I remember how crippling it was when I didn’t understand what my OCD was or why it was affecting me. It was the scariest time of my life and by far the most unsettling. I never imagined it getting better. But as I concentrated on the things that mattered most to me, and being surrounded by extremely supportive people, life got good again! 

And you know, sometimes I relapse pretty badly. It was only about a month ago that I REALLY panicked about it. But as you develop a more comprehensive understanding of your condition, the easier and less overwhelming it becomes. In fact, I used my perfectionism to guarantee my dissertation was to a standard I believed would award me with the degree classification I desired. I used my compulsive nature to no longer dwell on the negative aspects of life, but to drive me towards achieving my goals.

When we came back from New York I said to Rosie that if it all ends now, I would be happy with what we have achieved together. Meeting our fans in New Jersey was a really special moment for me. Listening to their stories really reminded me of myself and I felt extremely honoured that I had affected people’s lives in a positive way. It was such a pleasure and the reason why making videos is so worthwhile <3

anonymous asked:

Hi I've got something for you :) Holly just got pregnant when Gail is called on mission (undercover) and the Gail is shot and she don't remember her wife now very pregnant Holly :D

Love love love the prompt, thank you for it!! Ao3

Wife and Child

She hurt. She hurt bad. It didn’t have a start or end, not in it’s origins and definitely not in it’s length. It was burning and throbbing, everything ached, god everything ached, and there was a worry that she couldn’t quite place. She could feel it, beating as hard as the headache that just made an appearance, it was boiling in her gut, and squeezing her heart. Worry. Worry for what, she didn’t know.

“Gail, you’re up” a smooth voice gasped from her side. Relief.

She peeked open one eye, only to be met with a brown eyed beauty, making her open both to better see the woman by her side. Gail could not only feel the fast pace of her heart, feel the quickened race of her pulse, but the speedy beeps of a machine confirmed how she felt.

The woman looked her over, every feature untouched, her eyes filled with relief and worry and, adoration. Adoration? What

“Do you need anything? How do you feel? What the hell am I talking about, you’ve been shot and in a coma-” the brunette rushed.

“Water.” Gail croaked. “

Yeah, yeah. No problem” the woman turned to the bedside table and went to pour what Gail guessed as water into one of the styrofoam cups, but it was empty.

“Damn, it’s empty. I’m sorry, I must have finished it off, I’ve been drinking twice as much as I did before and you know how much that was.” She laughed at her own words.

Gail’s face scrunched up. As I know? How would I know?

Keep reading

Child of the Leaf. Chapter 16.

(A little lemony… Happy NaruSaku Day!)

Sixteen years ago…

The morning light filtered through Sakura’s room in bright beams, blinding Sakura as she pried her eyes open. They were still puffy from the tears she had cried the night previous. She rolled lazily in her bed and made a very important discovery…

She was not laying in her bed at all.

And she was very naked.

Peeking from swollen eyes, she unsuccessfully tried to distinguish her exact coordinates, wrapping the foreign sheet to her body.

As she took a deep, calming breath, she picked up the familiar scent of ramen, and  cedar wood floor, telling her all that she needed to know.

“Right… I’m at Naruto’s.” Sakura says in mild disbelief, blushing as certain events from the last evening replayed in her mind.

“You’re… so beautiful, Sakura-chan… like a glimpse into heaven.”

His moans in her ears, needy, wanting, full of desire for her as he…

Sakura quickly shook her head as her body started to become flushed… with strange… urges…

‘Sasuke-kun. Remember… you love Sasuke-kun. Naruto was just a one time thing only.’ She desperately tried to reassure herself, pulling at her pink hair in frustration. 

Sighing in exasperation, the flustered medic nin shuffles around the small confines of Naruto’s room, trying to find at least one article of her clothing.To her dismay, nothing of hers was found. 

The sound of activity in the kitchen prompted her to quickly pull on one of Naruto’s shirts that was strewn along the floor. 

For a moment, she enjoyed how comfortable the shirt was against her skin and how surprisingly good it smelled. After regaining her senses, Sakura slowly enters the kitchen, watching Naruto for a moment as he stood over his stove, steam whirling in front of his rather determined face.

“Where are my clothes, Naruto?” Sakura asks as she leans against the frame of the kitchen. A smirk appears on her face as he jumps slightly, banging his head on his cabinets before turning to face her.

“A-ah, yeah… they’re… somewhe–” He halts the scratching of his head as he sees what she was wearing. “Whoa, HOT.” Naruto shoves his thumbs up his nose as he feels an oncoming nosebleed. 

“I’ll never wash that shirt now.” He says, making Sakura grin. It felt nice to be desired in such a sensual way…

“Like you ever washed it before.” She responds, feeling brave enough to saunter towards the whiskered boy. 

“Point taken, S-Sakura-chan.” Naruto takes a big gulp as Sakura pressed herself against him, looking over his shoulder innocently.

“Can I eat whatever you’re cooking?” She heard him draw another gulp.

“Can we… do fun things in my bed again?” He asked without missing a beat, his hands raised slightly in defense, as if anticipating a Sakura-Punch to his noggin. She retorted with a wink.

“I dunno. If your food is edible, I will definitely consider it.” Her flirtatious words were stoking a dangerous fire within her.

The food wasn’t ramen, so it was terrible…

But, they entered the afternoon doing fun things in his bed anyway.

Afterwards, as they bathed in the afterglow, Naruto sighed happily in Sakura’s bare lap as she shifted her hands gently through his hair.

He knew that she had originally come because of that guy, his seemingly eternal rival, but he was going to make sure that she left knowing that he loved her more than he thought that dude ever could… 

“Sakura-chan… I love you.” He spits out loudly, in a very Naruto-esque way.

Sakura’s hand ceases its stroking. 

“I love you so much, it hurts me sometimes.” He closes his eyes tightly, attempting to pour as much passion into his words as he could, hoping that she would maybe consider them.

“You aren’t perfect.” He states suddenly, catching Sakura off her guard.

Wasn’t he just saying how much he loved her? 

“You’re moody and you lose your temper easily.”

Now he was making a casual list, and with each imperfection he named about her, her anger level rose, higher and higher…

“You’re scary and violent when you’re angry. Sometimes you say mean things without thinking about others’ feelings.”

She was in the process of winding her arm back to give him a good thump on the head.

“But, I still love you.”

Green eyes softened and moistened above him, unbeknownst to the rambling blonde. 

“You know you have flaws, but you learn from them and become better. Stronger. Whenever I’m around you, I want to become better, too.” 

Sakura felt her chest burn with a strange sensation as she listened to her former team mate. 

“Your smile is the best, Sakura-chan.”

More burning. It felt like her heart was being branded with a red hot iron.

“And, that forehead…”

Oh, bother. Don’t mention that huge billboard on my head… and you were doing so well, Naruto…

“It still makes me want to kiss it.”

Sakura smiles and grabs his head quickly, feeling an overwhelming desire to kiss the blonde in her lap. 

So she does.

Later that evening, a tired yet spiritually invigorated Sakura sat down at her desk to write an entry in her beloved pink diary.

April 3rd

Spent the day with Naruto.

I feel so many things!

Imperfect, yet beautiful.



I feel like I could fall in love with him.

Then her eyes widened in recognition at a familiar sounding statement that Naruto had made, which haunted her immediate thoughts…

What did he mean by ‘It still makes me want to kiss it?’

Sakura scratches out her previous comment in her journal as she realizes the exact significance of the words he unwittingly spoke.

I feel like I could fall in love with him.

I love him.

April 3rd. Never forget.

All these years she thought she was in love with Sasuke…

When it was Naruto in disguise, literally.

“You sure have a large, charming forehead. It makes me want to kiss it.”

Somehow, she always knew.

This posed a problem…

-The End of Chapter 16.

-Story by ODG

– Happy NaruSaku Day! :) I’m trying to finish my redraw page! Sorry for the wait! So busy, I apologize! I loooooove you all! Forgive me! :’)

More NS stories here.

NaruSaku forever!