lisa is a mess

lisa-in-the-sky  asked:

I'M HAVING THE WORST DAY so I would lovvvve to read stucky "it's 2am and I'm drunk and need salt for my fries and I know you're awake so OPEN THE FUCKING DOOR" 😁😁

“You need /what/?” Steve asks the handsome man who has lived across the hall for three weeks.

“Salt,” the man says, holding a soggy McDonald’s bag in one hand and a flashlight in the other. He is tearing up. “I need salt.”

“Why?” Steve asks.

“To exorcise demons,” the man says, then winces. “No, that sounded so much cooler in my head, but I can’t lie to you. I have all of these french fries but none of them are salty. I need salt for them, or else the world may end.” He pauses, then amends, “/My/ world may end.”

Steve gives him a once-over. The guy from across the hall is typically put-together. Steve has only ever seen him in a suit, with his hair slicked back. Now, he’s stubbled, wearing a t-shirt so worn that Steve can practically see his nipples through it, and a leather jacket. He also smells like a brewery.

Honestly? Steve kind of likes him better this way.

“How many fries will you give me?”

The man’s eyes go wide, like this question has caused him actual thought and, frankly, hurt. He groans. “Five!” he shouts. Steve holds back a laugh. “I will give you five french fries in exchange for your salt.”

“Ten,” Steve counters.

The man’s mouth opens, like he genuinely cannot believe that Steve would have the audacity to ask this of him. Steve can barely restrain his laughter. Then he shuts it, straightens up, and nods with firm resolve. “Fine,” he says, “but only because they are getting cold.”

“‘Course,” Steve says, then opens the door wider. “C’mon in.”

He’d feel more self-conscious about the way his apartment looked if he thought that the guy from across the hall would remember this in the morning. As it is right now, he doesn’t feel self-conscious in the least, and is actually sort of excited for his fries.

“So what’s the occasion?” Steve asks. “Why all the fries?”

“My fiancé dumped me for a secret agent.”

Admittedly, that wasn’t what Steve was expecting. “Sit,” he says, pointing to the couch. The guy from across the hall sits. “I’m Bucky,” he says, then adds with wide eyes, “and I’m really sad.”

“I’m Steve,” Steve says, “and I’ll get the salt.”

“Thank you,” Bucky says, then starts to cry.

— —

The next morning, there’s a knock on the door.

Steve opens it, blurry-eyed and tired. “Hi,” he says, when he sees it’s Bucky. “You feeling okay?”

“No,” Bucky says, “but I brought you a present.”

“What?” Steve asks.

Bucky holds out a cylinder of Morton’s salt with a red bow on top. “I’m sorry for last night,” he says.

Steve can’t help but smile as he takes the salt. “It wasn’t a problem, really. Made my night a lot more interesting.”

Bucky looks down, straightens out his shirt. “You’re really chill,” he says. “And I know I’m a mess, but I appreciate you letting me into your apartment and everything.”

“We could do it again the next time you have a break down,” Steve suggests, then adds, “or whenever, really.”

Bucky looks up. “Yeah?” he asks, looking kind of cute and shy beneath long lashes.

Steve shrugs. “Sure,” he says. Then, “But the fry tax goes up if you’re in a good mood. I’ll need my own order.”

Bucky groans, Steve laughs, and together, they empty that new container of salt.

So Cisco OBVIOUSLY has a social media set up for heroes to share posts with each other I mean: 

  • It starts out with just the Star Labs group but honestly they all work together and that’s no fun so he adds the Arrow crew on.
    • Then they get to the Legends and then Cisco figures out how to make the program accessible to other Earths, so Kara and Co have accounts set up as well. 
      • Barry oddly is in a group chat with himself and two other Barrys????? 
    • See if they have Len and Mick in there now, they have to have Lisa in on the network as well. 
      • “Cisco, you let Golden Glider add us?” “She was very…persuasive!” (She sent him a kissy emoji.) 
  • And then, if you have three Rogues on there, you have to have all the Rogues on the network. 
    • Hartley is a little offended that he wasn’t on there already (it’s because when he’s not sharing current events news stories with the caption “makes me wish I was a villain again” he’s posting 3-year-old memes). 
    • Livewire hacks in and probably inserts herself into every account for a day before Winn and Cisco kick her off. 
    • So now they have a bunch of criminals on their superhero version of Facebook and somehow no one cares. 
  • Thea has somehow linked up with Lisa Snart and now the two PM each other talking about how annoying the heroes can be and they’re thinking of video chatting each other?? bc why not. 
  • Kara keeps geotagging her location and everyone else screams because KARA NO STOP DOING THAT
    • Her entire account is selfies with little kids dressed as Supergirl though and no one can bear to attack in her location. 
      • She’ll also find kids dressed up as villains and tag the respective criminal in the post (Cold was surprised there were kids dressed up as him but also very pleased). 
  • Shawna probably posts pictures of herself with whatever she’s stolen for the day. 
    • She posts a picture with 5 things from the Central City Museum and captions it as “@flash what’s good bitch” 
  • The Legends team is the biggest group of losers and they’ll be the ones sending push notifications to everyone else for random games 24/7. 
    • “WHO IS NATE HEYWOOD AND WHY IS HE SENDING ME REQUESTS TO JOIN DRAGON CITY.” 
    • Amaya connects with Mari online and lemme tell you, getting lives from your dead grandmother on Candy Crush is the weirdest experience Mari has ever had. 
    • Since they totally have phones that work all throughout time and space the team also has a bunch of games downloaded from like, 2060 so their push notifications just glitch up the whole system.
  • Honestly most of the Rogues probably do this??? Lisa posts a picture of herself with a bracelet and tags the entire Flash team and makes her status “really love my bracelet. The price was a STEAL!” 
    • Barry: “It’s a nice bracelet Lisa!” 
    • Barry: “Wait. Lisa what do you mean by STEAL????” 
    • Lisa: ;) 
    • Barry: “LISA “ 
  • Pictures are a mess. They’re supposed to have their costumes on but no one ever pays attention to that rule. 
    • Jax definitely has a selfie of the team grinning in front of a captured Legion of Doom. He tags everyone in it. Including the aforementioned villains. 
    • Ray posts his 5 billion selfies of himself on the moon. 
      • Barry: Wait is that Thawne in the background. 
      • Ray: Barry I’m on the moon can you focus on the important part here? 
      • Oliver: Should you really be posting your face, Ray? 
      • Ray: I’m legally dead, Oliver. 
Humans are weird Australia

What if Aliens hear all the jokes about Earth being space Australia and get confused. They don’t quite understand the terminology and they inquire a human on board their ship as to what the phrase means. The Human then states most Aliens think Earth is outrageously dangerous, and the humans think a continent on Earth called Australia is dangerous, so they refer to Earth as a space equivalent of Australia, thus getting the saying Earth is space Australia. Imagine the Aliens being flabbergasted at the prospect that a human could be afraid of such a place, although not be that surprised considering the humans did come from a death world. Nevertheless imagine the bravest of the Aliens getting geared up to venture to a fearful place the humans called Australia.


Kuljer had been warned that this place was dangerous. But his species only laughed at the sight of it. The average male of their kind was 9 ft and pure rock hard muscle. Just being in the same room as Kuljer would make anyone Quake. Although, he did understand that this was the humans they were talking about, and he should at the very least be somewhat weary.
As the ship touched down in a place called ‘Mell-born’, Kuljer laughed, or what could only have been considered one. This place was nothing to be afraid of. The scariest thing he could see was the poorly outdated infrastructure that struck out around him. Pathetic humans he thought with a shake of his head. The leader of the party, a human known by the name of Lisa gave him a sidelong smirk as she walked past him, as if knowing what Kuljer had thought.
The first stop for the party was a place the humans called a zoo. Upon entrance, a deep growling of some unseen animal put Kuljer on edge. Amidst seeing his reaction Lisa bared her teeth and released a shrill sounding noise, saying that it was only a lion and it couldn’t cause anyone harm; calming Kuljer only the slightest.
After seeing many beasts ranging from ones with long necks, to wings, to poisonous venom, the party made there way to a vehicle called a ‘jeeep’. They then spent a couple human hours driving to a motel they were to stay at for the night. During this time Lisa decided to list of some facts about Australia.
“Did you know that the weather in Australia rangers from about 60°?” She began. “And that 6 out of the 10 most venomous snakes are found in Australia.” She continued waiting for a reaction from the Alien party. “Last time I was here, this bloody huge huntsman spider came out from behind the curtain and scared the living daylights out of me. He had to have been at least as big as my palm. Anyway I never saw him again.”
The talk of these animals unsettled Kuljer. He couldn’t understand how they all lived together, and why the humans hadn’t killed all the dangerous ones yet. But before he could ask Lisa pulled the ‘jeeeep’ into a lot and turned of the ignition saying they had arrived.
Lisa led Kuljer to room saying he should keep the door locked and remain in his room until the next morning when she was to collect him. Handing the keys over to his room, Lisa turned and started towards her own down the hall when she froze in her tracks. Kuljer had just made the loudest scream Lisa had ever heard. Immediately she rushed back to Kuljers side to see what had been the cause of that sound, only to laugh. There on the door was just your regular house spider, barely the size of a fifty cent piece, let alone a palm. Lisa chuckled to herself as she left Kuljer a mess behind her. He had thought he was tough, yet he was reduced to tears at the mere sight of such a pathetic creatures. Humans weren’t the ones who were weird she thought to her self. Aliens were.