[text] Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
[text] The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
[text] He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
[text] I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
[text] So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one’s for Team USA.
[text] He gave me the “find somebody who wants to date you for who you are” speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
[text] I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
[text] I just got high off one hit and then Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refrigerator and researching ways to replace it
[text] Seriously. I’m like, “Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you’re so fucking intelligent I’m turned on?”
[text] Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
[text] He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I’m keeping him.
[text] I’m making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
[text] It’s a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
[text] Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I’ve been waiting for this moment forever.
[text] Lesson learned. Don’t roleplay with a real knife.
[text] We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman’s birthday party for the food. Whoops.
[text] He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
[text] I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I’d say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
[text] I’m wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
[text] He’s like… An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It’s almost unsettling
[text] I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I’ve found the One.
[text] Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while… if you happen to find your balls then join us
[text] i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled “dibs!”…
[text] and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered “Simba”
[text] so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
[text] Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
[text] Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
[text] We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sounds logical. Thank you daylight savings.
[text] when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was “chug-a-lug”
[text] There’s a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
[text] Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
[text] My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
[text] He told me he loved me. I didn’t know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
[text] Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
[text] Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
[text] He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
[text] we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I’ve ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
[text] I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man’s heart.
[text] When was the last time you wore pants?
[text] I’ve replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
[text] Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
[text] Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
[text] Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
[text] We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
[text] I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how’s your day going?
[text] I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn’t need it today.
[text] We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What’s wrong with this tradition?
[text] all i’ve had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
[text] Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don’t exist?
[text] Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
[text] And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
[text] This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the “High While Analyzing Disney Movies” texts begin.
[text] Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won’t quit poking me on fb
[text] I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
[text] One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won’t be me. I’m drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
[text] You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
[text] im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
[text] just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
[text] I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
[text] Let’s play a little game called “Chill the Fuck Out” - you’re our first contestant
[text] Didn’t get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
[text] I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
[text] you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
[text] tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
[text] We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
[text] maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
[text] i think its awesome that according to your mom i’m your friend that caught on fire.
[text] So fucked up. Can’t tell if I’m starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
[text] I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
[text] Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
[text] you traded sex for a burrito?
[text] I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
[text] You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
[text] it’s not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
[text] You’re always adorable, but when you’re drunk, you’re like Chia Pet adorable.
[text] this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
[text] I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
[text] I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old’s Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
[text] It’s like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it’s gummy bears and instead of milk it’s vodka.
[text] You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
[text] Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
[text] we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying “i mean who doesn’t like cheetos”
[text] quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
[text] I left a cheeto on everyone’s car trailing to the house i’m at, hanzel and gretel style.
[text] Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
[text] nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
[text] When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
[text] kinda considering buying a life alert for sophomore year
[text] My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
[text] Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
[text] you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing ‘follow the yellowbrick road’. i’m pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
[text] It’s like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
[text] did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
[text] The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
[text] I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
[text] You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
[text] I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
[text] So I woke up today with someone’s door knob in my pocket. I hope everybody else got out of the house ok.
[text] So we successfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
[text] Because when I say 'You shouldn’t drink anymore’, she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks’
[text] okay, this game isn’t funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
[text] The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
[text] when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
[text] so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
[text] You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
[text] never. drinking. again.
[text] I’m gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
[text] got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
[text] I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
[text] i’m out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
[text] Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
“My hair is turning grey and there are lines on my forehead and two deep furrows between my eyebrows. I am glad that I am no longer a dreamer now that I am nearly thirty-two, even though being thirty-two years old means having used up and left behind thirty-two years of one’s allocation of life. But instead I have found myself.”
Request: Can I request a Madison x reader fic where the reader is friends with the Hamilsquad and Mads comforts her after Alex’s death?
A/N: I got extra inspired while listening to ed sheeran’s supermarket flowers, so here you guys go!
You picked up the withered supermarket flowers from the windowsill, throwing it in the garbage. You forgot to water them, so they died within days. As you stared into the trash, you remembered the day you got them.
“I’m so sorry for your loss.”
“Oh, Y/N, I’m so sorry. I know how that must feel.”
“It will be okay Y/N, Alexander is in a better place now.”
“Y/N, please don’t cry. Aww, it’ll be alright. I’m here.”
I love carousing tables. I love rolling on them as a player, especially if the DM has a better carousing table than the standard one. I especially love putting them in my games for my players to experiment with.
In my Friday night Curse of Strahd game, carousing took on a life of it’s own. I would whip up d100 carousing tables for each major area, and sometimes even the characters themselves. If they got blasted on whatever liquor was in the area, they got to roll. Sometimes it was funny, sometimes it was plot influencing. And sometimes… it completely backfires on me.
Co-worker was on lunch, again. Here you go. Super short…and sweet…and dirty.
Comments fuel my fire :)
March 8, 2017
Her folds were wet. Slippery. My fingers entered her body
with ease as I felt her legs squeeze against my head, effectively trapping me
between her thighs. Cait’s hand came to rest upon my head, while the other
intertwined with my fingers that I had placed against her abdomen.
“You’re so wet this morning.” I was fairly sure I had
thought, rather than said, the words, but at the little laugh that bubbled from
her throat, I suppose I was wrong.
“I’m always wet. And most definitely when you’re around.”
I smiled and delved back between her thigh’s, my fingers
working her insides, while my tongue lapped, like a kitten to milk, between her
puffy lips, swollen with arousal and readiness for my cock. But he wouldn’t be
getting the luxury of her warmth. Not on
this round, anyway.
I did my best to ignore the hardness between my own legs,
while I focused on her. Her taste was
sweet, tangy, and served as some form of heroin to my junkie body. My fingers,
first two, now three, curled inside her, stroking that special place inside
her. My tongue joined my fingers, briefly, pushing inside her to capture as
much liquid as I could, before pulling free, and bringing her juice out in the
open, using it as a lubricant around her clit, tickling and nibbling.
“Oh God. Sam.”
Caitriona pushed herself off the mattress, her hand ripping
free of mine, to support her arched body, while the other hand pushed my head
harder. Every few seconds I opened my
eyes to look up at her, her face contorted in the most intense pleasure. Her brows
furrowed, and lines crossed her forehead in concentration. I furthered my
assault on her body, my fingers working furiously, unforgivingly, inside her
I broke free only briefly, to call her attention back to me,
“Look at me, Cait. Look at me.”
Just mere slits of blue shone through, as they refused to
open beyond tiny slits.
“Do you want me to do it?”
I didn’t need to give her details. I lowered my head,
sucking, once again, on her clit, while my eyes focused on her face. I watched
her nod, before I felt a smile cross my face, pushing against her flesh.
Caitriona dropped to the mattress, her fingers curling in the sheets as I
wrapped my free arm around her thigh, keeping her still.
My fingers worked in unison with my tongue and lips. A
perfect, beautiful marriage of bliss. I closed my eyes, the destination coming
into view as I felt her body rise and fall from the bed, her screams racking
through her body but never quite vocalizing their urgency. At my final push,
her hand fell back against my reddish curls once more, and her cries called out
to the wilderness as I felt the flood start, quickly abandoning her clit, for
the juices that flowed freely from her body. I drank her down, the fluid from
her most secret of places, a rare treat that must be savoured.
There’s something to be said about the pride you feel when
you can help your lady achieve a G-spot orgasm. And there’s nothing to be said
about the look on her face, as she gives herself over to you completely.
Nothing, because any words would seem entirely lame and incapable of even
coming close to what her face gives you.
I rested my head against her thigh, watching as the stars
behind her eyes faded as she slowly came back to the here and now.
Caitriona tilted her body, to look at me, and smiled. “your
face is covered in…well…me.”
I laughed, kissed the spot just above her clit, then crawled
up her body slightly to rest against her abdomen. I stole a quick glance down
my body, affirming what I already knew. My cock lay at half-mass, having cum
when she had. The force of my feelings for her, and what I was doing, enough to
bring me to orgasm as well. I may have rubbed my lower body against the sheets
a little too.
My fingers danced across her belly-button and I closed my
eyes to rest a few minutes before we needed to get up for work, “Happy
International Women’s day, my love.”
So, I thought I would post the ritual that I did on Sunday for those who wanted to know! Now I should start this off with a warning that you should know your limits, what things you can and can’t do in terms of magic and energy. This may not be a gentle practice for some and from what I have discovered, some people seem to be sensitive to energy that dragon spirits give. If you are one of these people you’ll want to perform a different type of glamour. However, the foundation of what I do here should work for you but you will need to remove the dragon influences and substitute with whatever feels more comfortable for you.
I feel like I should also add that not all of this is pure glamour. Glamour, in its essence works on the function of influencing how others see you. But some of this came from asking my guides to grant me the things that I needed and used my face as a means to harness it with make up.
”I quite enjoy the lines on my forehead because they show my life. That’s my history and I like to see that in other people. Like this wrinkle is due to some girl who broke my heart. I don’t want to escape it in any way.”Michael Fassbender
REQUEST:Since you and @wheresthekillswitch seem to be the causation of all the wonderful crack on my dash, would one of you take a crack request? Where the reader hunts with Sam and Dean and is allergic to things like cats, dogs…. and especially werewolves. - @kmb99t
I feel the warm, smooth water running down my back as I stand on the cold floor of the shower. I turn the volume up on the radio, wanting to hear it clearly over the sound of the running water. My body has felt tense all morning and this is my attempt to relax. I slowly step backwards, letting the water drench my hair and run over my face. I can’t keep my mind off of Shawn. I can see him in my mind, sitting on the bed with his notebook in front of him, his guitar in hand and a pen in his mouth. He’s been working on a particular song a lot lately because it’s for his friend’s wedding. There’s a couple of seconds where the radio is silent and I can hear Shawn humming in the bedroom. I will never take his voice for granted.
My fingers are tangled in her blonde locks. I wanted to twirl them but I needed more than just a small piece. I needed to place all my fingers through her conditioned hair.
She’s moving her thumbs faster over her keyboard her eyebrows arching in annoyance.
“What’s wrong Becca?”
“The pledges are acting out.”
I nod not knowing what to say. I really don’t have any advice for this situation, and she doesn’t need it. It doesn’t take her long before she has moved closer to my body, it fits perfectly against mine.
I’ve never fit so perfectly with someone. I’ve never ached to learn someone like I want to lean her. I’m addicted and it’s scary. Yet I’ve never felt so free. When I’m with her my heart doesn’t beat rapidly, but instead cools against her body. I always thought Becca would be hot to the touch that she’d burn, but when she held my hand for the first time I felt the cold.
It makes more sense now she looks like she could carry a fire inside of her. Except, when I look in her eyes I see snow floating down. I’m the flame and she’s the snow.
I wonder if she sees things like stars dancing in my own eyes? Her hair falls over, falling just enough to tickle her nose. Becca’s huffing air to try and remove the unwelcome strand.
I find myself moving it for her. My hand taking control I gently push it to the side. My hand took its time to remember the lines on her forehead.
I always wondered if I could memorize each outline. That if I closed my eyes could I build the woman in front of me? Could I remember every detail and place them exactly where they belong? I know, I could.
“What are you thinking about,” she asked moving her arm under her so her stature is slightly taller than mine. She does it without knowing. She has a lot quirks like that. Becca poked me on the cheek and I awoke from my daze.
“What?” I ask blushing because I already forgot what she had said to me.
“I asked what was going on in your head.”
I covered my cheeks with the palms of my hands dragging my fingers down from my eyes, trying to hide my blush. “Nothing important,” I reply it’s muffled by my hands.
“If it wasn’t important then you wouldn’t be off in space trying to find the answers to life.”
“What do you see in my eyes?”
She looks struck by my question and I wonder if I’ve scared her off. It’s not like we’ve been dating very long. It’s only been a little over a month.
She huffs in annoyance again. “Did you even hear me?”
“Is no an okay answer?”
“It’s not but we’ll talk about that later. I said that I see everything.” She mumbled the last part.
“This is dumb.”
“Come on Becca please explain it to me.”
“Fine, I guess. The first time I looked into your eyes was when I intentionally spilt my drink on you. Your eyes lowered in shock, but they didn’t fill with anger but instead they filled with resilience. You kept me there in your sight, it sent a chill down my spine. The night at the sorority when you kissed Kaitlyn your eyes danced around the room with excitement and love but you locked your eyes with mine and they were filled with a past I wanted to know. This is embarrassing.”
“Please keep going,” I was begging but I’d never admit that to her.
“When I saw you at the bar I knew I needed to understand that past so I stared deeper. I saw the pain, the anger, the fear, but I saw me. I saw my reflection in your eyes. When I drove you home the stars illuminated them, but you must have found me more gorgeous than the night sky. When it comes down to it when I look into them I see the entity of you. It’s not just emotions it’s what matters to you. That’s what fills them. I see me, and the way you feel for me. I see us, and the possibilities we have.”
She dipped her head to capture my lips and I felt the flood. The flood of emotions that were more like a hurricane. Becca was what I was searching for, I’m so glad I opened my eyes to her.
“Do you believe in soulmates,” she asked me clasping our hands, mine filled with a flame and hers cooling mine.
“I used to tell myself I didn’t. That the word soulmate was made up by Hollywood, but being here right now. I mean how could I not believe in the word. You’ve been in my life since day one, and we went from enemies to lovers. There was no in between because we aren’t meant to have an in between. We are meant to be more than just soulmates and the definition of love. We’re hurricanes. We’re both intense people, who have expectations on what we want. I know I want you, and I’ve never wanted someone like I want you. I didn’t fall gracefully into us I fell hard and fast. All it took was the snow in your eyes and I knew I melted. We aren’t perfect people, but I know your my imperfect, perfect person for me.”
She gives me one final kiss. It isn’t fierce it doesn’t have to be. It’s gentle and completes me. She’s the snow, I’m the flame, and together we’re a hurricane.
is why I asked about your favorite Sami fic from me! It was close, but That
Dress won out. So here we go…
Zayn/OC. For Anon: I’ve been into your
fics so much that I started to wonder what would happen if you got caught
reading them? So can I put in a request where Sami Zayn catches you reading one of your smutfics about him?
And he starts to get “inspired” by the fic.