The dude might look like an unassuming nerd, but be warned. He will kick your ass. Why? He’s a justice freak, which means he doesn’t give up even when it’s sane to do so, dude has a crazy hero complex and he once stabbed someone seconds before he died from oxygen depravation, that’s metal as fuck. Plus he’s constantly hopped up on Dr.Pepper. Don’t fight Maxwell.
Janelle | Who wins?: Her.
Remember Maxwell? She’s more badass than him. She wrecked his shit. The only reason their fight was a tie was because of the aforementioned metal as fuck stabbing. She’ll destroy you. Don’t fight Janelle.
Danny | Who wins?: You.
This kid’s a prissy gay fuck. You will wreck him AND his fancy outfit, and it’ll be hilarious to watch. Do it. Fight Danny.
Greg | Who wins?: Rad.
You could try and fight Greg, and frankly, you’d probably win ‘cause he’s too lazy to give a shit. But the thing is, Rad would kick your ass. Before the fight, after the fight, during the fight. It doesn’t matter when, but he would, so save yourself the trouble. Don’t fight Greg.
Rad | Who wins?: You.
Rad’s too busy beating you up from when you tried to fight Greg to show up to the fight, you win by default. Don’t ask how that works, it just does. Do it. Fight Rad.
Ares | Who wins?: You.
Ares may be named after a god of war, but he’s an engineer, and that means he’s a fucking DORK. Sure he could use his engineer skills to like whip up some robot arms, but you could just throw water on him, they’ll break and he’ll cry about his ruined pocket protector. Fight Ares.
Miah | Who wins?: Her.
She might look adorable. Hell, she IS adorable. But that’s percisely why she’ll savage you like a lioness savages a poor innocent bunny. You won’t realize she’s killed you til five minutes after the fact, 'cause you were too busy wondering if you could bring yourself to fight her. Don’t fight Miah.
Sharrage | Who wins?: You.
Sharrage may have a zillion years of experience due to time travel shenanigans, but the fact of the matter is, he walks with a cane. You’ve got this. Fight Sharrage.
You don’t really know what possessed you to do it.
Maybe it’s because you spent a portion of your day just talking to other Dave’s, so you, for the lack of a better way to put it, started to miss the one you knew. You already know he isn’t going to answer, just like the other times you tried, but here you are, hopping on pesterchum without another thought.