A Humungous Harry Potter Headcanon Mindf***
At some point in time that I cannot decide, Snape decided to take revenge on the Marauders for the prank that could have gotten him killed 8 movies too early. Also, for stealing the love of his life, Lily, whom he shared like two scenes with. Snape took his revenge by turning himself into a she-wolf animagus and embarking on a secret love affair with Lupin resulting in werecubs. In this scene, Snape reveals himself, and Sirius and James arrive.
Snape: I know, it’s awful isn’t it? Have you seen my make-up bag anywhere?
Lupin: I’m going to kill you! I am going to transform into a werewolf and kill you and make it look like an accident!
Snape: If you attack me I am going for custody of the children.
Lupin: I am going to kill myself! I am going to be sick on you!
Snape: Urgh, please don’t. My mistress Sirius is on his way, I can’t have him see me like that. Or James. Yeah, I’m also sleeping with him. Soz.
Snape: Sirius has the longest wand. For future reference.
Lupin: I’m going to kill you!
*Sirius and James enter*
Snape: Snape Snape, Severus, Snape, Severus Snape.
Lupin: That’s right! She he is my boyfriend girlfriend, apparently.
Sirius: How dare you?! He she is my girlfriend boyfriend, actually!
Lupin: I AM GOING TO KILL YOU!
James: What?! No! I’m going to kill you! I mean, I am going to encourage you to commit suicide in the nicest way possible! Or I am going to wait until you have a really bad accident and mercy kill you!
Sirius: This isn’t happening. No way. Turn into a werewolf immediately.
Sirius: OMG! What’s wrong with me?! She’s not even pretty! I am dating Tommy Wiseau!
Wolf Snape: Bitch please. Beauty is a social construct designed by the desperate tailors of the Wizarding World who only get to work when students need Yule Ball dresses.
Sirius: I’m going to kill myself.
Lupin: And I am going to kill him and get custody of our children.
James: And I am already dead. I am a reflection of a mirage of a dead person reflected by the Mirror of Erised after Harry brought me temporarily back from the dead with the Resurrection Stone.
Snape: LOL, that doesn’t even make sense.
Lupin: I am going to wet myself!
Sirius: Just take your trousers off dude. We’re all men here.
Snape: What a wand-end you are. I’ll see to you later.
Sirius: No seriously, I’ve already seen him naked.
Lupin: I am going to kill you!
James: I am going to kill myself! I mean, I am going to sit in a darkened corner somewhere and write a list of every Earthly sin I’ve ever encountered until I cry and am thoroughly depressed!
Snape: Dudes, it’s fine. Chill. You can puke, wet yourselves, go cry and get depressed and write about sins and then I will kill you all off, one by one and make it look like Voldemort. See ya!
Snape goes back to bullying students and leaves the others to fight and do whatever else it is they do in that forbidden shack of theirs.
The END! LOL :)
@hooked-onabook @miraculouslydottedcat @carolynkat @promptograf @ioanaaurica @snuffles-puff @irishbeings @storyquipster @drarry-with-a-side-of-harry @sarcasticsnuffles @siriusly-bookish @marauderconvos @sarcastic-smart-person @hermione-who @logarithmicpanda @findyourpenguin @treflev @rumpykamon @mysticmoonmedia @hanibear05 @lttleslytherin @bluelionrawr3-blog @saphiraaaaaa