Apparently someone beat Kasu and I to the punch, though his translation got a few bits the other didn’t and vice-versa. So I’ve decided to combine the two for a more complete version! Credit goes to kaosblaze and fluffsalotpie1200.
Mabel: “Looks like there are new shows on Gravity Falls Public Television. Let’s see if they’re any good.”
Stan: "Hi, I’m Mr. Mystery. Do you want to be befuddled? Bewildered?" (He stumbles over his words, trying not to call his customers idiots) "Then come to the Mystery Shack, where we’ve got tons of cheap and mysterious junk! Come and see the magic that doesn’t only break the laws of nature, but also the actual law! … HEY, GET THAT CAMERA OUT OF HERE! Two heads whaaa? You can’t see him HUUUUH?? There are so many questions—" (Hit with falling question marks) "Oof! Enough! We even have ice cream for the kids, which we guarantee will definitely not give you angina or diarrhea. But don’t take it from me…”
Stan’s Double: "Take it from ME!”
Stan: “What? Who are you?”
Stan’s Double: “And I’m the actual Mr. Mystery!”
Stan: “I can magically double myself!”
Stan’s Double: (failing to sync with the other Stan) "I can magically doubl– What?! Idiot, idiot! Another take!“
Stan: "Come to the Mystery Shack… where the real mystery is if you”ll be able to get out alive!” (laughs) “I’m just kidding… many DO get out alive!”
Voice on TV: ”Absurd words, but wise afterwards, all of these when Soos says Some Words.”
Soos: ”If you accidentally eat the prize in a cereal box, do you become a cereal box?”
Voice on TV: ”These have been Soos’s Words.” (brief static) “Reporting from Gravity Falls Prison, it’s Lil’ Gideon’s Big House!”
Gideon: ”Hello, I’m Lil’ Gideon. I might be in a small place, but I can still change the world, starting with the people around me! Open your feelings!" (CURED) "Make your dreams come true!" (INSPIRED) "Oh my, Stonehorn, you’ve gotten so strong!" (RIPPED) "Lil’ Gideon’s Big House, every day at 6 o'clock sharp!
Inmate: "EVERYONE LISTEN TO LIL’ GIDEON!" (Punches glass)
Gideon: "Thanks, Vampire!”
Inmate: “I’ll do everything you say!”
Gideon: “The guards!”
Inmate: “Let’s split!”
Voice on TV: ”Lil’ Gideon’s Big House will return as soon as the prison guards reinstate order.”
Hey man, native Russian speaker here! Here’s a translation of the short, which is obviously literal as I can’t predict how the English version will actually sound:
Mabel: Ooh, the new public television of Gravity Falls! Sounds promising.
Stan: Hi, I’m Mr. Mystery. Do you want to be befuddled? Bewildered? (stumbled over words) Then watch! Here’s the Mystery Shack, The closest store full of all sorts of cheap, mysterious junk! Behold things that are unbelievable, that break not only the laws of nature, but also the laws of the government! (HEY, GET THAT CAMERA OUTTA HERE). A two-headed whAT? The invisible whO? So many questions! (Oof! Enough!) There’s also ice cream for the kids! But don’t just listen to me–
Other Stan: Listen to ME!
Stan: What? Who are you?
Other Stan: And I’m the actual Mr. Mystery!
Stan: I can magically double myself!
Other Stan: I can magically doubl– what?! Idiot, idiot! Another take!
Stan: Come to my Mystery Shack, where the real mystery is HOW YOU CAN GET OUT OF HERE ALIVE. (laughs) I’m just kidding! Since…most people managed to get out of here.
you can probably read the scrolling english text im not gonna bother transcribing that
Jingle: Absurd at first, then wise, these are all Soos’ words!
Soos: If you accidentally eat the prize from a cereal box, will you yourself become a box of cereal?
Narrator: Reporting from the jail of Gravity Falls, now become Lil’ Gideon’s Big House!
Lil’ Gideon: Hello, I’m Lil’ Gideon! I’m limited in my movements, but I continue to change the world for the bett– (cut off) for my closest friends! Open your feelings! (CURED) Fulfill your dreams! (INSPIRED) Oh my, Stonehorn, you’ve become stronger! (RIPPED) Lil’ Gideon’s Big House, every day at exactly 6 o’ clock.
Inmate: EVERYONE LISTEN TO LIL’ GIDEON.
Lil’ Gideon: Thanks, (name here, I can’t exactly translate it).
Inmate: I’ll do everything you say!
Lil’ Gideon: Let’s get out of here, the guards are coming!
Narrator: We’ll continue our program as soon as security keeps things in order.