like-I-ever-really-leave

i just want to say to fic readers that big long rambly comments on fics, where you say the things you loved about it and sometimes get capslocky and squeal and use exclamation points and quote parts and praise the smut or the characterizations or the world building or the chemistry or all of the above, comments like that are fucking incredible and every fic author loves you, thank you

there will be people who use you. they are good at getting close so you care about them. when they see your scars, they’ll flash their own. you will feel kin to them. you know what it is to struggle with things.

and at first you think: they’ll help me if i help them.

but it doesn’t happen. you love them deeply so you always pick up the phone. it doesn’t matter that you have a test the next day or that you’re going through things of your own. you support them.

they are good at pretend. they will play like they are your friend, so you endlessly give to them. after a while you realize: it really doesn’t matter what’s happening in your life, some more pressing emergency is always happening to them. it is a hard thing to recognize, because you don’t want people to hurt like you do. 

i have a friend who never asks me if i’’m okay. she only ever texts me to tell me she wants to die, but never goes to therapy or does any of the things i tell her to do to help herself. once when i came back from my grandfather’s funeral she demanded to know why i’d been gone, and when i explained, she said that without me, she’d almost passed out of this world. i had to lay down on the floor; nothing made sense anymore. i want her to get better. i want to help.

but there are people out there who will use you. who don’t care about getting better, they care about you giving up your time, your effort, your everything. until you are drained of it. i don’t mean those who give back, who will gladly do anything for you, who you know you can trust. who you don’t mind giving up the test for, because you know they’d do the same in a similar spot.

i mean those who don’t know you. who pretend that they care about you but are using your empathy as a sore spot. who take more than they need. who demand your attention all of the time but don’t care if you bleed.

Idk where this came from but here it is. I guess this is what happens after days of not drawing anything.

Surpreme gay otp award goes to SanUso because this is the longest I’ve ever been majorly and deeply attached to a pairing. Usually after a year or so, I get a little bored…move on maybe if something else grabs my attention. But no, here I am in my otp clan. Otp clan here we stand.

4

also a ziam stepbrothers!AU where their parents get together when they are really little and they’re best friends from the start and they’re supper happy to have their best friend at home, 24/7. exceptby the time they’re 11, their friend niall suddenly keeps going on about these girls and liam seems to always go along with it, but zayn’s really not feeling it. he’d just rather stick to his comic books, if it’s the same to everyone. and then it’s the first time he and liam aren’t attached at the hip at all hours of the day, and zayn really misses it, if he’s honest; he misses being the focus of liam’s attention. he gets used to it eventually – it’s not like liam’s not his best friend anymore, far from it; they just find a new balance for it, make room for other stuff. one thing zayn does notget used to, though… the dates.honestly, the last thing he needs is for niall to keep trying to set liam up and then have to hear all about it afterwards; it irks him something fierce. and then they keep pestering him to go with them, liam saying they’ll have fun and niall trying to push him towards some random girl he knows. he’s got better stuff to do with his time than worry about silly dates, alright? i mean, if he wants to go see a movie, he can just ask liam to go with him after. but only because getting ready for a date and dealing with all the expectations and formalities is so boring to him. whereas with liam, he can just relax and have a good time. he doesn’t have to worry about what to say or do… it’s just simple. his mum is always joking that he’s a late bloomer, it’s okay sweetheart, I was too, and no one spares too much thought on it.

so that’s how they work for a long time: liam knows zayn is not interested in the dating thing, so he stops mentioning it; and zayn goes on as usual, making his art and reading his books and hanging with liam. except one day he finds himself panicking, barely 17 years old and clutching his own hair because he doesn’t think the way he just felt when he accidentally barged in on liam sleeping, naked with the sheets rumpled around his ankles, classifies as ‘brotherly’. and really, they aren’t brothers, they’ve never seen themselves that way. ‘best friends’ is what always came to mind when they talked about each other – the stepbrother thing was just a minor detail. It still makes zayn choke on a few breaths, though, because he certainly didn’t see it coming, this desperate want  he got smacked with the moment his brain registered the scene and that he just can’t seem to shake off now.  It felt like hitting a freaking wall and he’s dizzy with it. And the worst thing is he keeps questioning himself now, his own motives – something he didn’t even think he ever had, not when it came to liam, for christ’s sake. he starts to wonder about the hard time he has trying not to care whenever liam has a date and they don’t get to hang out in one of their rooms, watching movies and talking nonsense until their eyelids are too heavy to handle; or about the way he’d never been bothered by anyone, but liam was always interesting, always someone worth being around, even if they were literally doing nothing; about the way he had no idea what he wanted to do with his life and yet how knowing that liam would be a part of it whichever direction it went was enough for him to be content with figuring the rest out later.

It’s just not the same after that, not for zayn. It’s like a veil was lifted from right before his eyes and he can’t help the way he notices liam now, how hyper-aware he is of him. He keeps catching himself right before he hugs liam, arms in midair and a hesitance in his movements that was never there before, because now he recognizes the gesture for the excuse it is, the need to be close, to touch. He’d never known someone could be so oblivious to their own feelings, otherwise he might have caught this rampant emotion from the start, nipped it in the bud and prevented it from making such a mess of him, from thrashing about and sending his peaceful world flying into the air. And fuck whoever said ignorance was bliss, because the fucker was right: now that he knew, now that there was no way he could even lie to himself, it was pure torture. Living in such close quarters with liam, seeing him just as he’d always been but under this new light – it was driving him mad. And Liam remains oblivious, doesn’t notice zayn’s awkward movements right after his epiphany nor the looks he steals and his softer touches when he finally embraces his feelings.

Christmas comes around and everything’s fine. zayn’s learned to live with this new secret he’s always holding so close to his chest as best as he thinks it’s possible, until they’re having dinner with their parents and it’s happening again – zayn’s breathless and trying to pull through it, because apparently liam is about to ask out this girl he’s had a crush on forever and it matters enough that he’s telling their parents for the first time. Zayn thinks it’s funny how things can change in literally a matter of seconds, because he’d always hated the obligatory trips to his dad’s house in Bradford whenever the holidays rolled around, always coming back in 3 days at most, and suddenly he couldn’t be more grateful for the fact that he can get away from here tomorrow, away from liam and the obligation to pretend like everything’s the same while his heart is fucking breaking. He steals himself for the rest of the night and family traditions go on as usual: having dessert sitting on the carpet with Christmas music playing softly in the background and photo albums strewn everywhere, all of them laughing and reminiscing just the same as every year. Liam and zayn always sit beside each other to share pictures and jokingly gang up on their parents, but zayn simply can’t seem to make himself act normally right then. Liam keeps giving him worried looks, tentatively trying to engage him in conversation over a picture of both of them doing something or other at a beach, or trying to make him laugh about his dad’s inability to take a single picture in focus, but zayn’s smiles look more like grimaces and his few remarks sound hollow.

Liam’s dad and his mum go to bed and zayn goes to do the same, but liam holds his arm and asks him to stay. He asks if Zayn wants to go to his room and see the presents his grandma got him, or watch a movie or they could just hang out, really, but then Zayn’s found an excuse for everything and liam decides to just go ahead and ask him what’s wrong. And the thing is, zayn’s got this plan of going to his dad’s, taking a breather and coming back feeling a bit better about everything, so why even say something is wrong and create a problem where there needn’t be one? So he lies through his teeth and says nothing’s wrong, but apparently living with a person for more than 14 years will make it impossible for you to lie to them because liam just forces out a laugh and asks again. They end up having some kind of argument over nothing – the first in all the years they’ve known each other –  liam pressuring him and zayn deflecting, snapping at liam and telling him to stay out of his business. Liam starts to get that zayn’s mad at him but doesn’t know why, so he keeps pushing, demanding to know what he did and privately wondering if that’s also the reason why zayn was so subdued before. Zayn’s frustration keeps building and he’s starting to feel trapped, because there’s nothing he could say in this argument that would get him out of this mess safely. All he can see is liam’s face, his expression torn between frustration and worrying, trying now to gently get zayn to talk to him so he can know what he did and make up for it. Zayn’s thoughts are a jumble of jealousy, sadness and longing, and the realization that without liam he has nothing – and, therefore, nothing to lose –, makes him reckless; before he can ever even agree with the command his spine is shooting through his body, he’s tasting Liam’s lips.

 It’s such a gentle kiss, for how fast he moved; his hands hold liam’s face still as his lips open a tiny fraction and tenderly close over liam’s own, lax from the surprise of it and being mid-sentence. Not another part of their bodies move; liam’s arms are still at his side while zayn’s lips just stay there pressed lightly against liam’s, his thoughts divided between savouring the moment and already feeling the pang of knowing this first kiss is also the last he gets. His eyebrows are furrowed with the intensity of it, and he decides that he needs to commit this to memory before he ends it. Lips still pressed against Liam’s, he slowly opens his eyes, expecting to just bask in their closeness, steal this one moment so he can marvel at it later, and is surprised to see liam’s eyes already open, slowly flitting between his own in a mix of confusion and something else zayn doesn’t even have the courage to decipher. Never detaching their lips, zayn looks straight into liam’s eyes with all the finality he feels while he moves his lips in a last tiny movement, a little kiss like an understated full stop after a simple, terrible truth written on paper, like a resigned bow of the head after the enormous struggle he’s held within himself all this time. He steps back slowly and the silence is deafening when he closes the door to his room after himself, liam staying there motionless. He finishes his packing and leaves the house at first light after sticking a note with his goodbyes to his bedroom door, telling everyone some lie that he was lucky to notice the departure time of his train was earlier than he’d thought and he didn’t want to wake up anybody, praying nothing gives away that liam knows better. He spends the four hours until his train is due to leave sitting on a bench at the station, thinking about his recklessness and liam, wishing he had grown out of both a long time ago. It would have probably saved him some heartache.

Is it weird that I just really want some kind of event where us Tolkien trashlings go like, camping in the woods for a weekend?  We could dress up like it was a convention, and pick Elvish/Dwarvish/whatever names and do silly/awesome things like practice archery and sing Elvish songs around a campfire and stargaze like we were LARPing, but it would be really chill instead and we could have lengthy discussions about barduil and bagginshield and trade crafts and go hiking and it would be so much cheaper than a convention- like, we could rent a cabin as our base camp, but then we could pitch tents outside and sleep under the stars

like… is this something other fans would want to do???

edit: I’m gonna do the thing.  Follow me here for information and updates if you’re interested!

4

The Blacklist Rewatch: Berlin Conclusion
You can turn away and run from it. You can hide from it. And if you choose to do that, I’ll fly away. Or you can face it and confront it. Engage it. And maybe, maybe… you prevail and rise above it.

no but i really am leaving. 

thank you all very much for the support/love you have shown me over my time here. it’s very sad to be leaving because this blog has given me the most amazing network of friends. i’ve seriously met some of the greatest people because of this, and i’m glad to have had this opportunity. 

but sadly, people sent me some very…negative things last night. a handful were very very ugly and i wish not to elaborate so that it doesn’t upset anyone. it was too much to just brush off, and it really upset me. and i don’t like seeing the negative asks as much as anyone else. it upsets my friends, which upsets me more than the asks themselves. i’m also just not into osomatsu-san anymore! ;^P 

but most of my experience has been a great one, so thank you! i’m just a little too tired (physically and mentally) and i don’t think i can deal with rude asks atm. 

maybe we’ll see each other in the future! maybe i’ll come back one day, who knows? but for now, i am leaving. goodbye, everyone! thank you for being nice to me and jyushi! :^D

-mars, aka mod jyushi

I don’t know how in the world 5,000 of you lovely people came to follow me, but if I could awkwardly hug each and every one of you, I would. Here are some people you guys should follow too, ‘cause they’re just plain great:

A-D
actuallymilk / bandersnatch-ismy-spiritanimal / bcshark / beanzhart / careymuliigan / carrotonesie / carrotskoalasandbooze / chelseawelseyknight / cryingoverswarto / dailyhartbig / [mydrunkvause//swikling] / deathkora / didyoustealmytoaster / dontgobreakingmyhart / [drunkkitchens//mydrunkitchen//hannahmaud]

E-H
[effyeahhannahhart//reeet] / [ever4lar//hellohartogroupie] / fancypancakes / floormouth / fuckyeah-harto / gay-4-helbig / gayjxde / gotohellllllbig / gracehelbabegracehelbiggysmalls / gracehelbl0g / gracengoose / hartbig-in-onesies / hartbig-is-life / hartbigger / hartbigs / hartbigstopit / hartbxg / harto-attack / harto-ttack / hartochan / hart-ohhartohelbig / hartosexuals-mdk / hartsquareds-perfection / haveyoubeenprazed / haveyouseenmyplot / heckaharto / helbigismyharto / hellohartbig / holy-trinity-fic / holy-trinity5ever

I-L
idighartbig / ihartgrace / ilovepeoplethattalktocameras / itsharto / itsmydrink / itssimplysam23 / itstherussianmafia / justindonuts / l1nksys / letusneverspeakofthis / lezzgettotheharto / love-pullyoursoreribs-in

M-P
macehelbig / mamahartbig / mamebig / mametownhonu / mckinnna / mdkharto / meepface / microcroft / murplegiraffe / my-drunk-helbig / mycapocalypse / mydrunkhelbig / myholytrinity / mysexydrink / myswarto / ohtakota / olivegreen26 / onemilliongoldstars / ourdrunkharto / peetamy / pottersome / praze-my-drink / prazethetrinity / presshartotocontinue

R-Y
sawsan-ff / searchingforthefucksilost / shuhannazy / snacksandharts / snowgayngels / sun-shark / swart-0h / swarto / swikes / t0tes-ma-g0ats / thatonetacokid / thatsgrace / theredmafrica / thesmallestcomma / s-estra / theyoungesthelbig / trinitybuttz / tvfreakinabox / utubedoodz / whatsupf-ckers / yotoob

(People in bold are people I talk to/just really like)

6

is it said? yes. is it true? ehhhhhhhhhhh.

listen mate jin is such a bright shining gift to this world and if you still sleep on him then fam you’re missing out. you haven’t seen true sunshine ‘til you’ve seen seokjin

4

breaking news: yu sungoh has left 24k to pursue his dream of having a kpop reaction channel; his first video featuring him being cute and quietly boppin’ along to EXO’s “LOTTO”

no but actually i don’t know what he’s doing, i hope he will return to 24k but if he is happier pursuing something else that’s okay too ♥ he said he would be uploading a cover next week so go subscribe to his channel; whatever he wants to do on youtube imma support him.