like the ice in my heart

I Love You So

I love you so,

Your smile makes my worries drop away.

Your hands keep me up when I’m too weak.

Your voice soothes me to sleep when I’m afraid.

Your fingers tracing patterns on my back

Keep my tears at bay.

I love you so,

I can learn stories in your eyes.

I can lose myself in the way your dimples dip into your cheeks.

I can find freedom in your laugh.

I can find peace in your loving heart.

I love you so,

But her eyes carry a darkness like no other.

Her heart as cold as ice

When she yells at me.

Her voice doesn’t waver,

No way to mistake her words.

No way to miss the message.

I love you so,

But she means the world to me,

No matter how hateful her words.

Her hands don’t tremble

When she points an accusing finger.

She knows what she’s saying.

I love you so,

But when she tells me it’s wrong,

I feel it to the bone.

Like a bullet ricocheting

Through my body.

I love you so,

But she hates me now.

She hates what I’ve chosen for myself.

And in the end,

She hates you.

And she hates from a place so shallow,

It’s barely valid to herself.

I love you so,

But with every passing day,

Her slurs are more pronounced,

No longer burning her tongue.

Her hate for me is more prominent,

Like your collarbones.

I love you so,

But her eyes no longer carry love.

They carry a thing much worse than hate.

Her hands are no longer there to support me,

They are there to make me fall instead.

Her smile no longer puts my worries at bay,

Instead,

It causes shivers of fear down my spine.

I love you so,

But she thinks she knows best

When she casts you out of the house.

She thinks she’s saving me

When she threatens you.

She thinks she’s better,

Just because she’s older.

I love you so,

But I can’t take a stand.

I don’t know how.

I’ve never had to.

I’ve been her picture perfect girl,

Good grades,

No drugs,

Nothing odd.

Until now.

I love you so,

But I can’t fight or yell back,

Because the second I do,

The floodgates will open,

And sooner or later,

My body will be drained.

Of love.

Of everything.

I love you so,

But I’m afraid of what she’ll say.

Or what she’ll do.

This won’t save me from her hateful words.

Or her coldest glares.

I love you so,

But stolen kisses

And hidden dates

And linked fingers

Don’t make up for all the insults.

For everything she blames on me.

I love you so,

But my hands keep slipping from yours.

My eyes can’t meet yours.

My smile doesn’t show when you’re with me.

My voice is barely above a whisper when you’re around.

My hands are no longer sure when tracing patterns on your skin.

I love you so,

But I no longer tell stories like I used to.

I can’t lose myself in happiness like I used to.

My hugs don’t linger as long as they used to.

I no longer find peace

Because my heart is broken.

I love you so,

But she’s my mother,

And despite every synonym for ‘dyke’

She can come up with,

I love her.

And her opinion matters.

Despite her hatred towards me,

I don’t know where I would be without her,

So maybe I’ll love you another day.

anonymous asked:

HAPPY BIRTHDAY NIUUU, I WISH YOU LOTS OF GOOD THINGS IN YOUR HEART AND IN YOUR LIFE. LOTS OF NICE THINGS AND LOTS OF THINGS THATLL MAKE YOU GROW EVEN MORE, I hope you can eat ice cream again. Thanks a lot for the times you help me with my thoughts. You're like a cool aunt that travels a lot and who is super wise and funny (and has a thing for men in high heels)

(I DEFINITELY HAVE A THING FOR MEN IN HIGH HEELS)

Thank you most kindly for your wishes and your support <3 <3 I’m expecting this personal new year to be good work wise. I’m starting the Tarot Personal Year of Hermit, which means I need to spend a lot of time alone and eventually figure out something important during the next 12 months. I’m curious to see what it is! I wish for more travels for this year! AND MORE MONEY. 

The biggest project for next 12 months are

- Finnish Promptis doujinshi
- Finnish The Loveless Prince
- Live more contently and happily
- Set date with a tattooer for a tattoo so that I could take it next year on this same day, because next year’s birthday is a bit special one

Monday 8:27am
I woke up with you on my mind.
You called me babe last night —
my heart is still pounding.

Tuesday 10:53pm
Today I realized we won’t work.
What we are is hurting her.
And I think she matters more to me than you do.

Wednesday 11:52pm
I broke things off with you today.
She barely said a word.
I’ve never regretted anything more than this.

Thursday 4:03pm
I shouldn’t have sent that message.
You shouldn’t have been so okay with receiving it.

Friday 9:57pm
I almost messaged you today.
I didn’t.

Saturday 8:49pm
I’m walking around town in search of alcohol.
They say that liquor numbs the pain of having a broken heart.
I want to put that to the test.

Sunday 2:32am
I heard you texted a girl you’ve never spoken to before.
I wonder if it’s because you’re trying to replace me.
I can’t help but wish you weren’t.
I thought I was irreplaceable.

—  a week with you on my mind, c.j.n.
2

“I have so many things to tell you–”

((the airport reunion is still making me tear up, so I went and re-drew some screenshots to deal with the feelings))

Move on, leave, run away, escape this place… but don’t forget about me, about us, about this town. Always remember where you come from so you can appreciate how far you’ve come.
—  c.j.n.