Yuri!!! on Pot headcanons
Someone brought up Victor and Yuuri getting high together and I just… can you imagine? Oh my god. Yuuri smoking pot every once in a while is a beautiful thing. (I also feel like @dadvans will appreciate this)
+ It probably starts with Celestino slipping Yuuri a little baggie of green buds, murmuring that it might be an avenue worth exploring when Yuuri’s anxiety gets out of control. At first, Yuuri’s horrified, because what kind of coach gives his underage student illegal drugs? But Celestino assures him it’s on the up and up – grown by his sister in Italy and purer than extra virgin olive oil, because who the hell knows what people cut it with in the States? Celestino wouldn’t trust the well being of his skaters with anyone else.
+ When Yuuri brings the baggie back to the little apartment he shares with Phichit, numb with disbelief, Phichit is thrilled. “Of course we should get you high! I’m so pissed I didn’t think of it first.” But of course Celestino didn’t give them anything to smoke it with and Phichit left all his paraphernalia back home, so they have to venture into Chicago in order to get supplies, which leads them to a surprisingly clean and straightforward sex shop. Among all the various dildos and bottles of lube are pretty glass bowls and artfully sculpted bongs.
“Yuuri, look! That pipe looks like a dragon! It even has little wings!”
“Everyone in here is an undercover cop, I know it. We’re going to jail. I can’t go to jail, Phichit, do you know what they’d do to me there? I couldn’t even get through the first half hour of The Shawshank Redemption without crying!”
“Oh my god, Yuuri, LOOK. This is it. This is the holy grail.”
“Is that a… is that a squirrel?”
“You smoke from its tail! I’m buying two.”
+ Back at their dorm, Yuuri sits on his bed, clutching his knees, while Phichit painstakingly grinds the buds down, then packs the squirrel–named Jeremy– with the kind of expertise that makes Yuuri squint suspiciously. Phichit teaches him with the patience of a grade school teacher how to light the bud and inhale (”Cover the carb when you light it. No, you’re not–wait, no, just–here, let me do it.”), then rocks a nice buzz while Yuuri sits as still as a statue, eyes wide with terror, because he’s been in America one month and he’s already a lawbreaker. Somewhere his mother just got knocked to the floor by a sudden wave of disappointment and she has no idea why. He cries until he’s sick.
+ However, Phichit doesn’t know what “give up” means, so by the end of the second month, Yuuri is a certified stoner. He’s never felt so relaxed in his own skin before. He is adamant about keeping it to once a month, because something so enjoyable can’t become just another crutch (not to mention he has to work twice as hard to keep off any sudden weight gain when the munchies hit), although he is a little less strict when he travels for competitions. It’s kind of astonishing how many other skaters smoke. The first time he smokes abroad is in Canada when he shares a joint at a hotel with a handsome pairs skater named Nathan, whose crooked teeth bite odd bruises into Yuuri’s thighs but his cock is nice and fat and feels amazing inside him, so Yuuri rides the high–both of them–to silver. Smoking the night before a competition becomes a thing.
+ Of course, with Vicchan’s death still fresh in his mind, remembering to light up the night before just sort of… falls to the wayside. Which explains the shitshow at the Grand Prix Final.
+ After Victor becomes his coach, Yuuri doesn’t smoke at all, too afraid that Victor will think of him as a drug addict, and doesn’t bring it up until well into their first year as a couple. It takes him the better part of a week to spit it out, and when he does, Victor’s eyes go wide and excited and he cancels all their plans for the night so they can stay in, get stoned, and watch Minority Report.
“Yuuuuuri, we should make brownies!”
“Yurio is visiting tomorrow. I’m not having edibles around for him to find!”
“Let’s be honest, he could really use one.”
“I’m not going to be the one to take him to the emergency room after his soul falls through the earth. You’re definitely the irresponsible parent. Are we out of corn puffs? Vitya, the corn puffs are gone!”
“You ate the whole bag, cахарок.”
+ They have a lot of stoned sex, which is 73% giggling, 24% talking about the long-eared owl that lives in the tree outside their kitchen, and 3% actual sex.