like maybe if i died i'd go back to that time

anonymous asked:

Dear Kris, please take time to care for yourself. I understand you want to help people, but maybe you should take a break for a bit. You along with the other mods have helped many people and we can't begin to thank you enough. Please just try to get some rest and when you feel up to it come back and pick up. Best of wishes, friendly anon Andi xx

Andi,

thank you.

I just I’m kind of at the point of- I don’t know what to do right now.

actually, both for the sake of honesty- and because I’m curious if anyone else is like this-

Kris… experiences sickness very differently than most of their friends do.

To make a really really long story short-

a long long time ago- Kris died.

to extend that- a long long time ago, when Kris was but a baby- Kris’s mom used to take Kris to the doctor for like normal child check ups. and the doctor would be like “MA’AM Has your child not been screaming?!”

and my mother would be like “What kind of terrible mother do you think I am? If my child had been screaming- I would have brought them in sooner.”

and the doctor would reveal that I had double ear infections. Kris, as a small child, did not cry from pain. 

fast forward until- I was either in kindergarten or it was the year before kindergarten.

Kris gets sick. To the point Kris actually complains about being sick- and Kris’s mother freaks. Because Kris has shown up to way too many doctor’s appointments for wellness visits only to find out that they were sick when Kris wasn’t complaining- and now Kris is actually complaining.

My mother went to a doctor every other day.

Every time? they told her I had a cold, I was being a whiny asshole, to take me home it wasn’t that big of a deal.

and my mother persisted because I didn’t complain- and I was complaining.

but there’s nothing much you can do when doctors don’t listen to you.

Well. Mom wakes up one morning, goes to wake me up for round like 5 of go see a doctor and maybe they’ll do something.

only to find that Kris?

is blue to the face.

I had taken fluid to both lungs and stopped breathing.

Obviously I am alive. I spent like a week or more in the hospital. I had pneumonia. 

Every year to every other year since then- I have gotten pneumonia. either the traditional kind or the walking kind. 

In highschool- Every single year I missed two to three weeks in a row. Now I would willingly miss like three days of that. and then I would show my butt up to school- and at some point one of my teachers would give me a death glare and send my ass to the guidance counselor.

Why?

Because I had a cough. now my cough started out as your average annoying really loud cough.

and by the end of the sickness- I had people saying ‘bless you’ everytime I coughed because it straight up sounded like a sneeze.  It was a very high pitch, short sound- but god was it loud.  and also  about week two into the cough- I literally could cough and then whatever I coughed into? would be blood speckled.

fun times. fun times.

but I felt fine. in Kris terms at least. I mean the cough was annoying, my throat was obviously extremely raw. but mentally? clear as a whistle- please teachers- please stop sending me home dear god I miss enough school as is and also I am bored. stop telling me to sleep. I don’t want to.

fast forward to college- I don’t get sick. when I do get sick. I get Sick.

I mean ‘that kind of looks like mono, you have pink eye, you have an ear infection and a sinus infection and something going on in your respiratory track’  all at once sick- also I got a blood infection once. 

and now- 

when I get sick. I stay sick for a week.

and every single day is a new fun set of symptoms.

For instance- this week.

Monday, I go to work, I feel fine. around two I realize I haven’t eaten and that’s /weird/ because I’m still not hungry. it’s about then that I realize brain fog has set in. it’s taking way too long to set up these files, I am moving at an ants pace. around the latter part of three? I feel flushed.

I go home. I sleep.

Tuesday: I was awake maybe 6 hours the entire day. Brain fog. hot and cold flashes. I cannot move my head to either side without wanting to scream in pain. I eat a packet of crackers and can’t stomach much else.

Wednesday:  I was awake for 23 hours in a row without sign of tire. Still my body struggling to regulate temp. but not to the extremes. just taking my jacket off and on and off and on. my throat is sore but I’m not coughing. I gargled like a gallon of salt water between Tuesday and Wednesday.

Finally go to bed. Wake up four hours later coughing up large amounts of green and red mucus.

Back to being kind of tired. but I can turn my head without any issue and now i’m just hot. It feels like summer and I was that adkjasd that wore pants. within a few hours of being awake- I am no longer coughing up mucus, and coughing just produces little red splatters everywhere.

and my brain feels fine.

not only does my brain feel fine- I tried to convince my manager this morning that I should be allowed to go work at her house (I am not allowed to be in the office when showing any kind of symptoms) and that I would promise to disinfect everything. and I think she would have gone for it- but the system isn’t set up at her house currently to let me do what I would need to do.

but I also recognize that while I feel brain fine- I am not at 100%.

which also explains why every cell in my brain is telling me to shut up and stop rambling to strangers on the internet but yet I continue doing it anyway. do you just ever get sick and then like by day three or four you’re like “PLEASE LET ME GO BACK TO SCHOOL I CAN’T TAKE THE MONOTONY ANYMORE” thatmaybemewithSCaR.IloveSCaR.It’smybaby.Ijustalsohavetoconsidersometimeshowhealthyitis.andhowitfunctions.

but that may stop now because one of the mods is now on facebook and they are busy being really mean and calling me a nerd   keeping me occupied with terribly drawn pictures of Snape. Which everyone from October should remember is my favorite thing on the internet.

anyway, y’all are wonderful. My complaint really isn’t like SCaR followers themselves. it’s just like..a large group of other people. and some of it is that a couple of bigger blogs that will reblog SCaR’s stuff have hatefollowers themselves. so it isn’t even their fault that it gets seen by gross asshats.

but anyway

yeah

y’all are wonderful. and thank you to everyone who is telling me to feel better and to take care of myself. I promise I’m doing that the best that I know how to.

-Kris