Pairing: Bucky / Reader
Warnings: Violence, fighting, some mentions of past abuse.
Request: Could you please write a request based on the idea that Bucky is activated as the Winter Soldier and accidentally hurts his S/O then feels guilty and she has to convince him she’s alright.
Please feel free to add yourself to my taglist over here….TAGLIST
He didn’t recognise you, there was none of the usual light in his eyes when he stared at you. The teasing twinkle or the love that warmed you to your toes, it was all gone. Wiped clean away and replaced instead by the dead coldness of the Winter Soldier. A machine created to do one simple task and right now that task was to kill you.
“Bucky?” you gasped out as his flesh hand tightened dangerously around your throat “Bucky please”
Still nothing as his grip continued to tighten, you clutched at his wrist with one hand and with the other grabbed the only thing in reach, your cereal bowl from only moments earlier. You smashed it into his head taking advantage of his momentary break in concentration to raise up your legs and kick with all your might.
Bucky stumbled back a few steps and dragging in lung full’s of air you rolled from the table landing on all fours as you scrambled away from him.
Tears were streaming down your face as you made for where the block of kitchen knives had fallen when Bucky had very first thrown you across the room.
You’d barely gotten hold of the end of one knife before Bucky grabbed your ankle pulling you back along the floor. You screamed as he spun you over slamming his metal fist into your right shoulder. You actually felt bone shatter and splinter as another scream ripped through you.
Through pain streaked vision you managed to lock eyes with him once more. “You have to see me Bucky. You have to remember who I am”
There was nothing not even a flicker as his hand came back up to your throat, the metal one this time. He was serious, he was actually going to kill you.
“I love you Bucky” you whispered, then with the last of your remaining strength you stabbed him. Pushed the blade of the chopping knife into his stomach.
Bucky’s eyes widened in shock at the sudden pain, you had no idea if it would be enough though because your swimming vision was starting to blink on and off. Your brain to starved of oxygen to stay awake any longer.
The next thing that filtered into your brain was beeping. Consistent and unending beeping. You could smell disinfectant and as your eyes blinked open you realised you were in fact in the med-bay of stark tower. You were alive because if you’d died you definitely wouldn’t still be in this much pain.
“Hey Y/N, you’re awake”
Managing to focus you found Natasha’s red hair and concerned face looking over at you from a chair next to your bed. “Nat?” your voice sound groggy and rough “what happened?”
She frowned “You don’t remember?”
You flinched as you tried to move and your shoulder grated “Bucky. He tried to kill me”
“Someone activated the Winter Soldier program” Natasha confirmed.
“Fuck Nat, I stabbed him! Is he ok?”
“He’s fine” she reassured you instantly. “Apart from reverting back to his usual pathological self-loathing he really is fine. Much better than you”
“Disabled him enough that you lived” Natasha interrupted “he doesn’t blame you for that Y/N no one does”
You lapsed back into silence as the pain in your shoulder intensified, it was clearly well and truly broken. In fact, you were a little worried that it was broken beyond repair, you could remember quite clearly the feeling of your bones shattering into dust under the strength of the Winter Soldiers attack. “My shoulder Nat?” you asked quietly “Will it heal?”
She sighed reaching out and gripping your hand “It will heal”
“But the doctors, they aren’t sure about how much mobility you’ll get back. The bone was completely shattered, it’s possible that even with physio and medical attention it might not heal well”
“Does Bucky know?”
Natasha shook her head at you “I’ve just told you that you might lose mobility in your shoulder and you’re still more worried about him?”
“He’ll blame himself, you know he will, and this wasn’t his fault. Someone triggered him on purpose. The Winter Soldier attacked me not Bucky”
Natasha was watching you curiously “he knows” she admitted eventually. “When he came around you were the only thing he was interested in. Made the doctors tell him about you before himself”
Something about that sentence was wrong, but what was it? “Wait, he remembers?”
“The pain, we think when you stabbed him it jolted him enough to get Bucky back, he managed to reinitiate FRIDAY and call for help”
So he knew, he knew what he had done and he was most likely blaming himself for everything and destroying himself about it. “I need to see him” you demanded trying to push yourself up but stopping halfway as the pain in your shoulder made you want to throw up.
“Easy” Natasha helped lower you back down. “Just take it easy”
Tears were starting to form in your eyes. “Nat you don’t understand; I have to tell him” you insisted “I have to tell him that it wasn’t his fault”
“Y/N he knows that”
“He won’t, you know he won’t”
“Alright well I’ll tell him ok?” she offered “I’ll tell him you don’t blame him, but you have to stay here and rest”
“But you’ll tell him Nat, promise me you’ll tell him”
“I swear” Once Natasha gave her word she kept it. It was one of the best things about her, she didn’t give it out all that often but when she did she meant it. “Now you have rest”
“Alright” it took you little time at all to let the heavy pain medication they must be pumping into you take effect and your eyes fluttered closed once more.
It had been a fortnight and you’d barely seen Bucky. You’d been out of the med-bay for a week and you knew he was avoiding you. Every time you entered a room he’d mysteriously just left. Even with training he was never in the gym at the same time as your physio sessions and he didn’t even eat meals with the team in case you might be there. It was starting to take guilt to a whole new level and you really weren’t appreciative of the silent treatment.
Eventually you couldn’t handle it anymore, if he wasn’t going to come to you then you’d just have to go to him. Marching up to the door of Bucky’s room in the tower you used your good hand to bang on the door. You knew he was there had it on good authority from Natasha that he rarely left the rooms anymore.
“Bucky! Open the door. I know you’re in there” nothing, not even the sound of footsteps. “James Buchannan Barnes I am not moving until you open this door!”
Finally, you heard footsteps stopping on the other side of the door. You could practically feel him stood there staring holes into the door.
“Please Buck, talk to me. I can’t deal with being ignored anymore”
“I’m not ignoring you” the door opened.
“You’re not even looking at me Bucky”
Very slowly he lifted his head, eyes meeting your own. All you could see was guilt, swimming around in endless circles. His eyes flicked to you still heavily bandaged shoulder and the instantly went back down to the floor. “Are you in pain?”
“Not really, I have some wonderful pain killers” you were trying to joke, trying to lighten the mood but it seemed to fall flat. “can I come in?”
“Of course” Bucky moved out of the doorway so you could come in, dropping down onto his sofa he came and sat on the other end as far away from you as he could get.
“Bucky we need to talk about this”
“There’s nothing to say Y/N. I tried to kill you. It’s not safe for you to be around me”
“You didn’t do this to me” you insisted making his eyes flick to your own again. “Bucky this wasn’t you, it was the Winter Soldier. There’s a difference”
“No James” you inched forwards moving so you were sat closer to him, reaching out you laid a hand on his thigh. “Please don’t cut me out”
“It’s not safe Y/N, this is what this proved. I got out of control and you had to fucking stab me to stop me. As it is you might not get full movement back in your shoulder, what if it happens again and we’re not so lucky? I could actually kill you”
“Alright fine, you might kill me” you agreed “But I might also go out today and get hit by a bus”
“That’s not exactly a good comparison” Bucky insisted but your point seemed to have gotten through slightly as he was looking at you again and not at the floor.
“James surely it gets to be my choice if I want to be around you or not? It’s my life to risk”
“And my mind” he finally moved turning to frame you face with his flesh hand “I couldn’t live with myself if I actually hurt you, I’m barely coping with what I’ve already down to the woman I love”
You froze, he’d never said those words out loud before. “You love me?”
He froze as well eyes widening as he realised what he’d said, apparently he hadn’t meant to say it out loud, but he couldn’t exactly take it back either and pretend it had never happened.
“Yes” he eventually confessed “Yes I love you”
“I love you too” you smiled at him “we can get through this, we can get through it together”
He gave you a weak smile but at least it was better than guilt. “I don’t deserve you” he helped you awkwardly climb onto his lap so you could rest your head against his chest, his metal hand this time trailing up and down your back.
So fair enough you’d had to get him to almost kill you to finally admit that he loved you, which wasn’t the most conventional method but after all you weren’t the most conventional couple.