like committed supportive relationships are good but. manipulative codependent ones are not

anonymous asked:

Hello! Morally corrupt anon from like a month or two ago lol. You've helped me sooo much with the issues I've had, allowing me to ACTUALLY WRITE! So thank you! Buuut, I do have another question, this one requiring a TW for abuse, unfortunately. How do I correctly write the MC abusing her boyfriend physically and mentally, yet she manages to make him come back to her many, many times? Thank you!

I’m so glad I was able to help you, love!  Thanks for continuing to follow me :)  This is an interesting question, which I’ve been eager to answer for a few days now!

CONTENT WARNING: This post contains the discussion of physical and mental abuse.  I’ve tagged it for TWs, but if this topic is upsetting to you, please scroll past! 


Why People Stay in Abusive Relationships

So first, I’m gonna drop a link in for my post on the different causes behind abusive behavior.  The reason behind your MC’s behavior affects the kind of abuse, as well as their S.O.’s ability to justify it.  The less you understand the heart behind your MC’s behavior, the more difficult it’ll be to portray it realistically.

But shameless self-promotion aside – there are a few different reasons that people stay in (or return to) abusive relationships, and some of them probably won’t fit with some character personalities.  Consider your character’s strengths, weaknesses, and personal desires as you read these options.  These are also numbered for easy navigation, not as a most-to-least common list.

1. Fear

Fear is one of the chief reasons for a person to stay in a bad relationship, primarily because fear is a common consequence of abuse.  If the abuse is physical, the abused person may be afraid of being harmed if they were to break off the relationship.  Even if the abuse is non-physical, there is fear of how the MC will react; an abuser may, depending on the type of abuse, lash out verbally, damage the victim’s property, share secrets or lies about the victim, release sensitive material (e.g. nudes), or even threaten to harm themselves/commit suicide as a means of manipulating the victim into staying.

Going further, the abused person’s fear may not have anything to do with the abuser.  They could be afraid of loneliness or living alone.  Some people remain in bad relationships to avoid dating again, having to find a new apartment/job/school in order to separate from the abuser, or simply standing up for themselves and having that conversation with the abuser.  It may be as simple as a fear of change itself,

These issues are most common with (but not exclusive to): dominant/submissive relationships, in which the victim is aware they’re being abused.


2. Codependency

Codependency is more commonly a result of mental/emotional abuse, and it inconspicuously gives the abuser a lot of power.  It runs as a two-way street, sometimes both ways at the same time – the victim may feel dependent on the abuser, or they may feel that the abuser is dependent on them.  In any case, breaking up is more of a matter of “Can I?” instead of “Should I?”

Codependency develops in a few different ways.  If the abuser makes a habit of insulting or belittling the victim, controlling them, or isolating them from other support systems, the victim will begin to feel a different kind of attachment to their abuser – one borne of necessity.  Abuse puts the victim in a constant place of defense, or “survival mode”.  If the abuser erases all other parts of the victim’s life, so that their only comfort can come from the abuser, the victim will feel incapable of “surviving” without them.

The other kind of codependency, though, is a reversal; the abuser, manipulating the victim consciously or not, presents themselves too weak, mentally unstable, misunderstood, or isolated to “survive” without the victim.  This places a feeling of responsibility on the victim, prompting them to be a “good boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse/partner” and stand by them.  They may even like the feeling of taking care of their abuser.  The responsibility may even take over their life, until they feel that without their abuser to maintain, they’d have no direction or purpose.

These issues are most common with (but not exclusive to): relationships where one member is more responsible or controlling and the other is more emotionally unstable or unconfident.  It may be that the victim has a history of being taken care of or having to take care of loved ones, making this less of a manipulation and more of a natural (but still unhealthy) reaction.


3. Normalization

In many cases, victims of abuse can be wide awake to their situation – everyone around them could be telling them they need to get out of the relationship, that this treatment isn’t deserved or fair – and yet, they don’t leave their abuser.  Rather, they normalize the treatment, or believe the abuser when they tell the victim it’s normal.  They may buy into the idea that the abusive behavior is: A) a typical reaction, B) an abnormal but fair reaction, or C) a reaction forced by the victim’s “mistakes” or “shortcomings”.

Normalization can be a result of poor self-esteem – a belief that the victim doesn’t deserve better, because this treatment is good enough – and is often exacerbated by a lack of trust in anyone other than their abuser.  It can cause the victim to isolate themselves from friends/family, or even from anything that shows a “fairytale relationship” – TV, movies, music, books, etc.

These issues are most common with (but not exclusive to): people with avoidant personalities or kind/forgiving types.  It’s most prevalent in extremely young relationships (when the victim has no other romantic experience) or in mid-life relationships (when the victim is willing to settle for fear of being alone).


4. Shame

When a person first experiences abuse, it’s a shocking (and often humiliating) experience.  They may not immediately speak out about their experience, nor will they always confront their abuser about it.  This leads to the victim allowing abuse to continue, and the longer this goes on, the more embarrassing it can be for the victim to leave the relationship – especially if the abuse is physical and has left evidence of the mistreatment.  Even if they don’t tell anyone about the abuse, the victim may be afraid that their abuser will talk about the relationship to friends or family.

There’s also the case of the victim telling their loved ones about the abuse, in which case the loved ones would advise them to leave.  If the victim ignores their advice and stays in the relationship, they may be embarrassed to later admit they were wrong.  In another vein, the victim may feel ashamed of how they acted or treated others in defense of their abuser.  Bad relationships can create rifts in families, friendships, or non-platonic relationships (potential lovers or ex-lovers for example).

These issues are most common with (but not exclusive to): people with pride or insecurity in their image, as well as stubborn or private people.  This seems more obviously applicable to physically or sexually abusive relationships, but can be common with verbal/emotional abuse (as this kind of abuse is considered “mild” or not even “true abuse” by some people).


5. Love

I saved the worst for last.  When the victim is in love with their abuser, leaving the relationship becomes even harder to accomplish.  Love can inspire the victim to justify, support, and defend their abuser’s actions – and love being the passionate feeling it is, convincing the victim that they’re being abused can be that much more difficult.  Victims who love their abusers can misinterpret abuse as an expression of love, which, even once they’re out of the relationship, can damage their view of love and respect.  It can lead to future abusive relationships, and in some cases, to the victim become an abuser to someone else.

On the other hand, love can also blind the victim to the abuse, causing them to focus on the “good times” and good qualities of the abuser.  The victim can go into complete denial, lying to others about their treatment and getting defensive when loved ones ask about the abuser.  The victim may believe that they can change the abuser, or that the abuse is only due to a tough time – the abuser’s stress, or their own “bad behavior”.  And ultimately, the victim may be hesitant to leave for fear of never loving anyone the same again.

These issues are most common with (but not exclusive to): dreamer types, romantic types, or longstanding relationships that develop into abusive relationships.


A final note: Your question was specific to returning to an abusive relationship multiple times, so I want to add that once an abused person gets the nerve up to leave their abuser, there will likely be a (perhaps brief) victory period before they return to the relationship.  This is usually sparked by some emotional compromise (getting fired, getting dumped, or any feeling of rejection, loneliness, or need) which sends them back to the abuser for comfort.  It won’t just be a situation of leaving and coming back, back and forth.  There has to be a reason for every change.

Anyway, this post was long as hell, but I hope this helps you!  If any of my followers have something to add, I’ll gladly signal boost it :)  If you have any more questions, my inbox is always open.  If not, good luck!


If you need advice on general writing or fanfiction, you should maybe ask me!

mun-birthday answers

Aaand here we are! I was supposed to get done with this sooner, but got caught up losing it with the most amazing gifts, a couple of which I have reblogged here too because they need to be seen. I had a great birthday and was sucessfully killed with overjoy by my friends!

Before we get started, just letting you know I’m sorry there was still no update this weekend- last week was finally my last exams week for now until next month, but was busy with birthday stuff and prioritized working on commissions. I’ll try to get the blog back to activity this saturday! Thanks for being patient!

Now for the munday asks!

And we’re off to a great start!

(p.s. there’s Katsuyami hcs under the cut so you might want to check that out!)

Keep reading

anonymous asked:

So if onion boy isn't in love with his wife why does he not split, he's narcissistic, so if he thinks he's not into her, then why would he (in his mindset) waste time on her (so to speak)?

There are a couple of reasons for this, in my opinion. Get ready for a tl;dr. 

First and foremost, according to Sam Vaknin - the world’s foremost expert on narcissistic personality disorder - codependency (also called “inverted narcissism”) is defined as an individual who, quote, “depends on other people for their emotional gratification and the performance of both inconsequential and crucial daily and psychological (“ego”) functions. They seek to fuse or merge with their significant others. By “becoming one” with their intimate partners, codependents are able to actually love themselves by loving others. Codependents are needy, demanding, and submissive. They suffer from abandonment anxiety and, to avoid being overwhelmed by it, they cling to others and act immaturely. These behaviors are intended to elicit protective responses and to safeguard the “relationship” with their companion or mate, upon whom they depend. Codependents appear to be impervious to abuse. No matter how badly mistreated, they remain committed. In extreme codependency, this fusion and merger with the significant other leads to “in-house” stalking as the codependent strives to preserve the integrity and cohesion of her personality, and the representations of her loved ones within it.“ Taking this definition into account, Lainey is undoubtedly a codependent: she relies entirely on Onision for her self-esteem, her self-worth, and for her very sense of identity. They are hopelessly entwined, and Onision wouldn’t have it any other way. He actually admitted this in a video that he published a couple of weeks ago (the one where Lainey was supposed to be explaining why she was still married to him) - there’s a section of that video in which he literally admitted that he enjoys that Lainey is so anxious, depressed, and emotionally dependent on him for her happiness.

What he doesn’t realize is that he also depends on her too. Lainey isn’t the only one who is dependent. 

The purpose of a codependent like Lainey is to provide narcissistic supply for an individual with NPD. Since narcissistic supply - which is essentially a fancy term for “attention” - is, by nature, inherently fickle, the job of the codependent is to be there to bolster the narcissist’s ego when their supply of attention gets low. To provide you with an example in the case of Onision, I would suspect that right now Lainey is probably doing quite a bit of validating his ego, because of the fact that his channels are failing, his “relationship” with Billie failed, he’s constantly being confronted by women (who he hates - don’t get it twisted, he is in no way a feminist. He hates women to their very core because of how dependent he is on them for attention, and he knows this beneath the threshold of his consciousness). As a result, during these times of “supply drought”, the job of people like Lainey is to constantly affirm to the narcissist that they are intelligent, that they are superior, that they are powerful and in control, and to remind them of the better times in which all of these things were true. He forces Lainey to buttress and affirm his expectations and his view of the world (his view being that he is essentially an omnipotent, all-powerful God who is uniquely attractive and talented. This is also why Onision is so against drugs: he sees his body as a shrine, a shrine that he is unwilling to pollute with such base impurities as drugs, alcohol, or even meat. Thus, he is incredibly vain, making sure to dress it in the finest cloth and take care of it with the exercise and maintenance as any shrine should be tended to. This is one of the reasons why I relish his rosacea so much: I know how badly it must bother him inside to have to see that imperfection day in and day out. I’m borderline astounded that Shiloh managed to convince him to get a tattoo, to be honest - but now that she has, he’s worked it into his fantasy: he enjoys the concept of being able to manipulate a woman into permanently brand her skin for him). 

This is getting a bit long, so I’m going to wrap it up. Essentially the point that I’m trying to make here is that Lainey is a faithful codependent who provides an essential function for him: regulation of his ego and self-esteem. For though narcissists, on the outside, appear arrogant, haughty, aggressive, grandiose, adversarial, superior, and egotistical, on the inside they are actually highly sensitive (look at Onision or Donald Trump, for example - they spend all of their spare time combating those who dare to criticize or even question them, because underneath, they’re actually masking a deep and unsettling sense of inferiority, and a hypersensitive awareness of, and agonizing dependence on, what others think of them). I suspect that he will never truly be willing to get rid of her - she’s too consistent a source of narcissistic supply for him. To be sure, if he could find a way to locate a more high-level (i.e. prettier, younger, or more famous or intelligent) source of narcissistic supply, then he would discard her in a second. (This is why, for example, Onision is willing to berate and discard any one of his Internet friends for the perceived injustices that they’ve levied against him - yet he’s unwilling to do the same to Andy Biersack even though he’s done the same thing to Onision that many other friends have: “abandoned” him. But Onision is unwilling to criticize Andy because he’s so powerful, popular, and good-looking: he reveres and envies him, and is addicted to the high-quality supply he receives in the form of attention from Andy). But until he finds someone better, Greg is just as dependent on Lainey as Lainey is on Greg. I hope that one day she sees that and is able to leave, because he absolutely would do the same to her if he found a more high-quality source of supply… and that poor girl deserves to be loved properly. For who she is, not what she can provide as an object.

The second reason is that Greg just simply does not want to have to pay alimony or child support to Lainey.

(You can read Sam Vaknin’s article on codependency here, if you want to know more. I also highly recommend that you check out his website or YouTube account if you like this sort of thing. I listen to his lectures all the time and they’re incredibly informative. He himself has narcissistic personality disorder, and he’s highly intelligent (I believe his IQ is 180), so it’s truly a pleasure listening to his videos.)