like committed supportive relationships are good but. manipulative codependent ones are not

anonymous asked:

Hello! Morally corrupt anon from like a month or two ago lol. You've helped me sooo much with the issues I've had, allowing me to ACTUALLY WRITE! So thank you! Buuut, I do have another question, this one requiring a TW for abuse, unfortunately. How do I correctly write the MC abusing her boyfriend physically and mentally, yet she manages to make him come back to her many, many times? Thank you!

I’m so glad I was able to help you, love!  Thanks for continuing to follow me :)  This is an interesting question, which I’ve been eager to answer for a few days now!

CONTENT WARNING: This post contains the discussion of physical and mental abuse.  I’ve tagged it for TWs, but if this topic is upsetting to you, please scroll past! 


Why People Stay in Abusive Relationships

So first, I’m gonna drop a link in for my post on the different causes behind abusive behavior.  The reason behind your MC’s behavior affects the kind of abuse, as well as their S.O.’s ability to justify it.  The less you understand the heart behind your MC’s behavior, the more difficult it’ll be to portray it realistically.

But shameless self-promotion aside – there are a few different reasons that people stay in (or return to) abusive relationships, and some of them probably won’t fit with some character personalities.  Consider your character’s strengths, weaknesses, and personal desires as you read these options.  These are also numbered for easy navigation, not as a most-to-least common list.

1. Fear

Fear is one of the chief reasons for a person to stay in a bad relationship, primarily because fear is a common consequence of abuse.  If the abuse is physical, the abused person may be afraid of being harmed if they were to break off the relationship.  Even if the abuse is non-physical, there is fear of how the MC will react; an abuser may, depending on the type of abuse, lash out verbally, damage the victim’s property, share secrets or lies about the victim, release sensitive material (e.g. nudes), or even threaten to harm themselves/commit suicide as a means of manipulating the victim into staying.

Going further, the abused person’s fear may not have anything to do with the abuser.  They could be afraid of loneliness or living alone.  Some people remain in bad relationships to avoid dating again, having to find a new apartment/job/school in order to separate from the abuser, or simply standing up for themselves and having that conversation with the abuser.  It may be as simple as a fear of change itself,

These issues are most common with (but not exclusive to): dominant/submissive relationships, in which the victim is aware they’re being abused.


2. Codependency

Codependency is more commonly a result of mental/emotional abuse, and it inconspicuously gives the abuser a lot of power.  It runs as a two-way street, sometimes both ways at the same time – the victim may feel dependent on the abuser, or they may feel that the abuser is dependent on them.  In any case, breaking up is more of a matter of “Can I?” instead of “Should I?”

Codependency develops in a few different ways.  If the abuser makes a habit of insulting or belittling the victim, controlling them, or isolating them from other support systems, the victim will begin to feel a different kind of attachment to their abuser – one borne of necessity.  Abuse puts the victim in a constant place of defense, or “survival mode”.  If the abuser erases all other parts of the victim’s life, so that their only comfort can come from the abuser, the victim will feel incapable of “surviving” without them.

The other kind of codependency, though, is a reversal; the abuser, manipulating the victim consciously or not, presents themselves too weak, mentally unstable, misunderstood, or isolated to “survive” without the victim.  This places a feeling of responsibility on the victim, prompting them to be a “good boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse/partner” and stand by them.  They may even like the feeling of taking care of their abuser.  The responsibility may even take over their life, until they feel that without their abuser to maintain, they’d have no direction or purpose.

These issues are most common with (but not exclusive to): relationships where one member is more responsible or controlling and the other is more emotionally unstable or unconfident.  It may be that the victim has a history of being taken care of or having to take care of loved ones, making this less of a manipulation and more of a natural (but still unhealthy) reaction.


3. Normalization

In many cases, victims of abuse can be wide awake to their situation – everyone around them could be telling them they need to get out of the relationship, that this treatment isn’t deserved or fair – and yet, they don’t leave their abuser.  Rather, they normalize the treatment, or believe the abuser when they tell the victim it’s normal.  They may buy into the idea that the abusive behavior is: A) a typical reaction, B) an abnormal but fair reaction, or C) a reaction forced by the victim’s “mistakes” or “shortcomings”.

Normalization can be a result of poor self-esteem – a belief that the victim doesn’t deserve better, because this treatment is good enough – and is often exacerbated by a lack of trust in anyone other than their abuser.  It can cause the victim to isolate themselves from friends/family, or even from anything that shows a “fairytale relationship” – TV, movies, music, books, etc.

These issues are most common with (but not exclusive to): people with avoidant personalities or kind/forgiving types.  It’s most prevalent in extremely young relationships (when the victim has no other romantic experience) or in mid-life relationships (when the victim is willing to settle for fear of being alone).


4. Shame

When a person first experiences abuse, it’s a shocking (and often humiliating) experience.  They may not immediately speak out about their experience, nor will they always confront their abuser about it.  This leads to the victim allowing abuse to continue, and the longer this goes on, the more embarrassing it can be for the victim to leave the relationship – especially if the abuse is physical and has left evidence of the mistreatment.  Even if they don’t tell anyone about the abuse, the victim may be afraid that their abuser will talk about the relationship to friends or family.

There’s also the case of the victim telling their loved ones about the abuse, in which case the loved ones would advise them to leave.  If the victim ignores their advice and stays in the relationship, they may be embarrassed to later admit they were wrong.  In another vein, the victim may feel ashamed of how they acted or treated others in defense of their abuser.  Bad relationships can create rifts in families, friendships, or non-platonic relationships (potential lovers or ex-lovers for example).

These issues are most common with (but not exclusive to): people with pride or insecurity in their image, as well as stubborn or private people.  This seems more obviously applicable to physically or sexually abusive relationships, but can be common with verbal/emotional abuse (as this kind of abuse is considered “mild” or not even “true abuse” by some people).


5. Love

I saved the worst for last.  When the victim is in love with their abuser, leaving the relationship becomes even harder to accomplish.  Love can inspire the victim to justify, support, and defend their abuser’s actions – and love being the passionate feeling it is, convincing the victim that they’re being abused can be that much more difficult.  Victims who love their abusers can misinterpret abuse as an expression of love, which, even once they’re out of the relationship, can damage their view of love and respect.  It can lead to future abusive relationships, and in some cases, to the victim become an abuser to someone else.

On the other hand, love can also blind the victim to the abuse, causing them to focus on the “good times” and good qualities of the abuser.  The victim can go into complete denial, lying to others about their treatment and getting defensive when loved ones ask about the abuser.  The victim may believe that they can change the abuser, or that the abuse is only due to a tough time – the abuser’s stress, or their own “bad behavior”.  And ultimately, the victim may be hesitant to leave for fear of never loving anyone the same again.

These issues are most common with (but not exclusive to): dreamer types, romantic types, or longstanding relationships that develop into abusive relationships.


A final note: Your question was specific to returning to an abusive relationship multiple times, so I want to add that once an abused person gets the nerve up to leave their abuser, there will likely be a (perhaps brief) victory period before they return to the relationship.  This is usually sparked by some emotional compromise (getting fired, getting dumped, or any feeling of rejection, loneliness, or need) which sends them back to the abuser for comfort.  It won’t just be a situation of leaving and coming back, back and forth.  There has to be a reason for every change.

Anyway, this post was long as hell, but I hope this helps you!  If any of my followers have something to add, I’ll gladly signal boost it :)  If you have any more questions, my inbox is always open.  If not, good luck!


If you need advice on general writing or fanfiction, you should maybe ask me!

mun-birthday answers

Aaand here we are! I was supposed to get done with this sooner, but got caught up losing it with the most amazing gifts, a couple of which I have reblogged here too because they need to be seen. I had a great birthday and was sucessfully killed with overjoy by my friends!

Before we get started, just letting you know I’m sorry there was still no update this weekend- last week was finally my last exams week for now until next month, but was busy with birthday stuff and prioritized working on commissions. I’ll try to get the blog back to activity this saturday! Thanks for being patient!

Now for the munday asks!

And we’re off to a great start!

(p.s. there’s Katsuyami hcs under the cut so you might want to check that out!)

Keep reading

anonymous asked:

So if onion boy isn't in love with his wife why does he not split, he's narcissistic, so if he thinks he's not into her, then why would he (in his mindset) waste time on her (so to speak)?

There are a couple of reasons for this, in my opinion. Get ready for a tl;dr. 

First and foremost, according to Sam Vaknin - the world’s foremost expert on narcissistic personality disorder - codependency (also called “inverted narcissism”) is defined as an individual who, quote, “depends on other people for their emotional gratification and the performance of both inconsequential and crucial daily and psychological (“ego”) functions. They seek to fuse or merge with their significant others. By “becoming one” with their intimate partners, codependents are able to actually love themselves by loving others. Codependents are needy, demanding, and submissive. They suffer from abandonment anxiety and, to avoid being overwhelmed by it, they cling to others and act immaturely. These behaviors are intended to elicit protective responses and to safeguard the “relationship” with their companion or mate, upon whom they depend. Codependents appear to be impervious to abuse. No matter how badly mistreated, they remain committed. In extreme codependency, this fusion and merger with the significant other leads to “in-house” stalking as the codependent strives to preserve the integrity and cohesion of her personality, and the representations of her loved ones within it.“ Taking this definition into account, Lainey is undoubtedly a codependent: she relies entirely on Onision for her self-esteem, her self-worth, and for her very sense of identity. They are hopelessly entwined, and Onision wouldn’t have it any other way. He actually admitted this in a video that he published a couple of weeks ago (the one where Lainey was supposed to be explaining why she was still married to him) - there’s a section of that video in which he literally admitted that he enjoys that Lainey is so anxious, depressed, and emotionally dependent on him for her happiness.

What he doesn’t realize is that he also depends on her too. Lainey isn’t the only one who is dependent. 

The purpose of a codependent like Lainey is to provide narcissistic supply for an individual with NPD. Since narcissistic supply - which is essentially a fancy term for “attention” - is, by nature, inherently fickle, the job of the codependent is to be there to bolster the narcissist’s ego when their supply of attention gets low. To provide you with an example in the case of Onision, I would suspect that right now Lainey is probably doing quite a bit of validating his ego, because of the fact that his channels are failing, his “relationship” with Billie failed, he’s constantly being confronted by women (who he hates - don’t get it twisted, he is in no way a feminist. He hates women to their very core because of how dependent he is on them for attention, and he knows this beneath the threshold of his consciousness). As a result, during these times of “supply drought”, the job of people like Lainey is to constantly affirm to the narcissist that they are intelligent, that they are superior, that they are powerful and in control, and to remind them of the better times in which all of these things were true. He forces Lainey to buttress and affirm his expectations and his view of the world (his view being that he is essentially an omnipotent, all-powerful God who is uniquely attractive and talented. This is also why Onision is so against drugs: he sees his body as a shrine, a shrine that he is unwilling to pollute with such base impurities as drugs, alcohol, or even meat. Thus, he is incredibly vain, making sure to dress it in the finest cloth and take care of it with the exercise and maintenance as any shrine should be tended to. This is one of the reasons why I relish his rosacea so much: I know how badly it must bother him inside to have to see that imperfection day in and day out. I’m borderline astounded that Shiloh managed to convince him to get a tattoo, to be honest - but now that she has, he’s worked it into his fantasy: he enjoys the concept of being able to manipulate a woman into permanently brand her skin for him). 

This is getting a bit long, so I’m going to wrap it up. Essentially the point that I’m trying to make here is that Lainey is a faithful codependent who provides an essential function for him: regulation of his ego and self-esteem. For though narcissists, on the outside, appear arrogant, haughty, aggressive, grandiose, adversarial, superior, and egotistical, on the inside they are actually highly sensitive (look at Onision or Donald Trump, for example - they spend all of their spare time combating those who dare to criticize or even question them, because underneath, they’re actually masking a deep and unsettling sense of inferiority, and a hypersensitive awareness of, and agonizing dependence on, what others think of them). I suspect that he will never truly be willing to get rid of her - she’s too consistent a source of narcissistic supply for him. To be sure, if he could find a way to locate a more high-level (i.e. prettier, younger, or more famous or intelligent) source of narcissistic supply, then he would discard her in a second. (This is why, for example, Onision is willing to berate and discard any one of his Internet friends for the perceived injustices that they’ve levied against him - yet he’s unwilling to do the same to Andy Biersack even though he’s done the same thing to Onision that many other friends have: “abandoned” him. But Onision is unwilling to criticize Andy because he’s so powerful, popular, and good-looking: he reveres and envies him, and is addicted to the high-quality supply he receives in the form of attention from Andy). But until he finds someone better, Greg is just as dependent on Lainey as Lainey is on Greg. I hope that one day she sees that and is able to leave, because he absolutely would do the same to her if he found a more high-quality source of supply… and that poor girl deserves to be loved properly. For who she is, not what she can provide as an object.

The second reason is that Greg just simply does not want to have to pay alimony or child support to Lainey.

(You can read Sam Vaknin’s article on codependency here, if you want to know more. I also highly recommend that you check out his website or YouTube account if you like this sort of thing. I listen to his lectures all the time and they’re incredibly informative. He himself has narcissistic personality disorder, and he’s highly intelligent (I believe his IQ is 180), so it’s truly a pleasure listening to his videos.)

my response to tumblr user ben-c

DISCLAIMER: I am not posting this to hate on tumblr user ben-c. I simply disagree with much of her philosophy and want to respond to some points she’s made against Johnlock. Fair warning.

Her comments are in italics.

  •  But how can you POSSIBLY try to use “john only got married after sherlock left!!” as some sort of argument for johnlock when that’s a HUGE indicator of the manipulation and abuse in their dynamic? like…..if it takes someone completely and (supposedly) permanently leaving your life in order for you to develop a relationship with someone else, that’s not “cute,” that’s unhealthy as fuck

John had plenty of relationships with other people through the first two series of Sherlock, i.e., Sarah, Jeanette, etc. You’re assuming that his not getting married before Sherlock left had something to do with being “under Sherlock’s thumb” when in reality, who would he have even wanted to marry? Yes, John had casual relationships with women, so we know he was satisfied on a superficial/sexual level, but none of them were outstanding enough for him to consider a serious commitment. This is completely normal. Stop acting like Sherlock was some kind of abusive pimp who kept John from meaning relationships with people outside of himself. He didn’t.

As John said to his counselor after Sherlock faked his death, “My best friend is dead.”

This is huge. As someone with a best friend whom I love dearly, I would be shattered if I was in John’s place. This was not just an acquaintance or fairly good friend, this was a best friend, and best friends are different. They occupy a much larger residence in the heart and mind, and in John’s case, this was a best friend whom he had feelings for, and that takes an even longer time to recover from. John is a man mourning the loss of the person he had begun to fall in love with, not a man mourning the loss of his abuser. Sherlock’s death was not cathartic in any way. It did not free John. It caged him. Sherlock’s effect was positive, not negative, and it was his absence that reopened John’s wounds.

Then he meets Mary, and he’s so lonely and wrecked in the aftermath that he allows her to insert herself into his life, thinking that perhaps she will be his healing. But in the end, Mary lies about her identity as an assasin, shoots Sherlock, tries to get him to keep it a secret from John, is defensive and cold when John speaks to her (forgives her) at Christmas, and exacerbates all the old trust issues he carries. Now that’s unhealthy as fuck.

  • “why do you watch sherlock if you think john and sherlock’s friendship is abusive!!!!!!” well why do you watch hannibal if you dont believe will and hannibal have a beautiful perfectly healthy friendship. why do you watch orange is the new black if you don’t think piper and larry’s engagement was great. why do you watch supernatural if you dont think john winchester was a perfect loving father?

Obviously characters don’t have to have perfect relationships for them to be acceptable for public consumption. Dysfunction is entertaining, etc., etc. But there’s a substantial difference between watching two characters who don’t have the most wonderful relationship and watching two characters engage in emotional or physical abuse. I would put up with the former, but I would never waste time with the latter. I have no respect for relationships, fictional or otherwise, that are seriously harmful. That is, if they actually are harmful. Johnlock, as I have elucidated in this post, is no such relationship. I am a pigheadedly moral person and anyone who knows me in real life can attest to that. I detest abuse, manipulation, codependency, and the works, and I’m very good at spotting it, calling it out, and cutting it from my life. I am many things, but a hypocrite is not one of them. If the hate for Johnlock was authentic and founded in anything other than subtle (and not so subtle) homophobia, bitter complaining, and ignorance, I would agree. But it isn’t, therefore I don’t.

However, the issue here is that ben-c is saying she’s perfectly okay with spending time, money and thought on a show that, in her eyes, perpetuates abuse. This is problematic. Whether in reality something is or is not abusive, if you believe it is, why on earth would you continue watching and supporting it? Why not devote time to something more positive?

  • john only has canon relationships with women and has expressed no attraction to men and uses “im not gay” as an explanation for not being with a man so maybe hes not actually bisexual crazy huh?

One word: Jolto.

Remember what Mary said to Sherlock at the wedding while the two of them watched John and Major Sholto catch up? “Neither of us was the first, you know.”

Which is great, because she herself includes Sherlock in the scope of John’s previous romantic partners.

John totally had a crush on James Sholto and he totally had/has a crush on Sherlock. This is basically canon.

His constant claim of “I’m not gay,” does not mean “I am straight.” There is a middle ground—bisexuality—and no, I’m not abusing it for the sake of my ship. Plenty of closeted bi people have said “I’m not gay,” when confronted over the fact that they seem to have feelings for someone of the same gender. Because they’re not gay. But they’re not straight either. And for some people it’s much easier to play up their heterosexuality, especially in the largely homophobic climate we live in.

I myself am not gay, and don’t experience sexual attraction toward other women, but I do experience romantic attraction toward them on many occasions and when I was younger I would often bewilderedly think “but I’m not gay,” because I also had crushes on boys. Technically I wasn’t gay. I just didn’t understand romantic orientation at the time, nor did I know it was even a thing. John Watson may be in a similar boat. He may not have fully explored the option of being bisexual or biromantic. Or maybe he has, but isn’t comfortable coming out just yet.

But using “I’m not gay” as proof John isn’t bi is an extremely limited take on the subject and propagates the bisexual erasure so many of us dislike.

  • god that “john cant sleep peacefully without sherlock” post is hardcore buggin me because like john couldn’t sleep before sherlock, and it was because of his ptsd……the whole point of him not being able to sleep after the fall was that sherlock hardcore triggered his ptsd and set back his recovery…..idk why u tryna make that some romantic shit that’s unhealthy as fuck man

I agree with the fact that Sherlock’s death triggered John’s PTSD and ruined a great deal of the progress John had made, but on the other hand Sherlock gave John an incredible sense of normality, stability, friendship, and security during their time together at 221B and the loss of that was, I believe, equally traumatizing.

  • y’all romanticize the fact that when sherlock is deducing the jack the ripper he ~hears john’s voice~ but like to conveniently ignore the fact that john’s voice was telling him he was a show-off and criticizing him and insulting him so……..

Even if a voice in your head sounds like someone else’s, it isn’t. It is our own voice masquerading as theirs and our subconscious supplies the dialogue. What we truly think about ourselves is what we hear in our heads. John doesn’t loathe Sherlock; he’s simply hurt and shocked. Sherlock loathes Sherlock, and he’s quite raw over the fact that John hasn’t forgiven him. Raw and guilty and ashamed. In reality, we know John says things to Sherlock like, “Brilliant, fantastic, marvelous.” He’s extremely kind and complimentary. But because Sherlock is feeling so disgusted with himself, his psyche manipulates John’s voice into a critical, malignant one that taunts and disapproves. Sherlock is projecting his own self-hate onto his best friend.

  • johnlockers saying that sherlolly is a bad ship because it’s abusive is literally the most hilariously hypocritical thing on the planet and will never fail to make me laugh heartily

Who said it was abusive? The only reason I don’t ship it is because Molly will never be a priority to Sherlock over John—and I believe she deserves full priority in whatever relationship she lands in—that plus the fact that Moffat has stated Sherlock has no attraction to women, so…yeah. There is that.

  •  TJLCers can make a tag for hating on mary and wishing her dead but we cant have a tag for posting about why johnlock isnt canon because that’s too offensive……….ok

Remind me again who jumped into the fire to save John?

Mary Morstan, or, as we should more accurately address her, A.G.R.A., kills people for a living. Let that sink in. She kills people for a living. Would you be okay if your spouse turned out to be assassin? If so, I am concerned.

She’s a liar. She’s a killer for hire. She’s callous and blank and apathetic. She used John. She used Sherlock. She killed Sherlock. What brought him back? The thought of John being in danger.

What A.G.R.A. did is so beyond the realm of okay. It was horrific. It was abusive. It was done to two men who have already been psychologically traumatized. If you think Sherlock’s death triggered some major PTSD in John, well get ready, because this is going to be cataclysmically worse.

The argument that she shot Sherlock to save his life is nothing short of goddamn stupid. I can think of some better ways to save his life. For example, not shooting him.

??????

As the popular text post said, Mary’s pressure point is Mary. She’s the definition of selfish and it appalls me that anyone would ignore this, but sit around whining about how Sherlock and John abuse each other. Like, get out of my face.  Sherlock made a vow to both John and his wife, and he kept it. He was there. Always. Just as he said he would be. He kept his vows; Mary did not.

I can’t believe there are people out there who want to debate this. I literally cannot believe it.

  • if johnlock not gameender, how come look at each other? Check mate!! #RealIsTJLC

Bruh. You complain about us mocking you but you turn around and do the same thing. Please stop being so infantile.

  • ok but like if your otp has abusive aspects and you don’t recognize them and/or refuse to admit them how can you possibly try degrading someone else’s ship, Christ

Yes, why don’t you ask yourself that, Miss Sheriarty-is-not-abusive-even-though-Jim-tried-to-kill-Sherlock’s-best-friend-and-ruin-Sherlock’s-reputation-and-make-him-feel-small-and-worthless? And yet you degrade Johnlock every day.

Again, don’t be a hypocrite. It’s extremely unbecoming.

  • tjlc is abusive and fetishized trash, plus johnlockers are already obsessed with taking everything for themselves, why can’t we take something back???

You seem upset.