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He’s about to call Miller, on the grounds that, really, why even have a best friend, if you can’t call him up and tell him you think you maybe accidentally got your sister kidnapped by goblins? That’s the fucking definition of a best friend.

Then, he remembers the book.

It was his favorite when he was younger, and he’s been reading it to Octavia since she was born, because–well, honestly, even before his mother died, Octavia was his responsibility. And it’s her favorite book too.

Assuming he actually somehow got his sister kidnapped by the Goblin King, he knows the drill from that book. He has thirteen hours to find her and save her before she’s trapped forever in the Goblin Kingdom. That’s how it works.

So he’s almost not even surprised when he hears the sound of the window opening and there’s–

Okay, it’s a really hot girl who looks like she’s the lead singer of an eighties hair metal band. She’s wearing a leotard. With a fluffy cravat. And a cape. It’s honestly harder to process than the weird monsters in Octavia’s bed. Her blonde hair is teased out and gigantic and her blue eyes are lined with way too much eyeliner and eye-shadow and maybe some glitter and she’s got these really high riding boots and the worst part is that it’s kind of working for him. She’s like someone’s acid-wash dominatrix nightmare, and he’s actually really into it.

Then he realizes he’s definitely staring at the clearly insane person who is standing in his sister’s window, so he licks his lips and says, “If you’re not the Goblin King, I’m calling the cops.” He holds up the baseball bat, for good measure.

“Goblin Queen,” she says. “Change in management.”

“Right,” he says, like this is a normal conversation. Like weird girls from bad eighties music videos show up at his house and make small talk after stealing his sister all the time. “Honestly, you look more like a Goblin Princess. You’re a little young to be the queen.”

“Do you not understand how lines of succession work?” she asks, glaring at him. “I’m the Goblin Queen. Shut up.” Then she seems to remember she’s being all regal and mysterious, because she straightens, and fog starts coming in. Honestly, she is the most eighties thing he has ever seen. She comes with her own fog machine.

This Labyrinth AU, aka Not Now, Boner, is going some pretty special places.