lihghts

I don’t know anymore.

The last sentence that came out of my mouth after what happened.

Was I not enough?

The last question I asked her after I realized that I was just blindly hoping if maybe, I still stood a chance.

I feel numb, stunned, paralyzed even.

Was the last response I gave someone after they asked what I felt at this very moment.

Funny how all these warnings and cautions my friends gave me were all so accurate yet I still held onto the probability that there could still be an ‘us’ yet again, I was wrong. You gave me that feeling. That feeling where they all said, you could feel butterflies surrounding your stomach when you felt her touch. That feeling where the world would stop or go in this slow motion kind of state when I would catch a glimpse of you. That feeling where I would panic, sweat and shiver whenever you’re around, or that feeling when It sounds like beautiful music to my ears or angels singing whenever I hear the sound of your voice. Yet all of this, are wrong. So wrong to the point that It makes me want to regret all of what happened but you know, I can’t because I still love you.

Yes you heard that.

I still love you even though you chose to walk away. I still love you even though you thought to yourself that we were just a series of books full of happy moments but still contains a tragic ending.

Then I thought to myself, maybe you were right. Maybe my friends were right all along. Maybe we were meant to cross each others life, to experience the love we thought that will forever stay in us, to meet our expectations, to undergo some struggles where we’d learn the most beautiful lessons in life and to encounter what actual heartbreak really feels like. Still, in the end, we’re not destined for each other.

Regret will soon settle in, I’ll still ask myself why it wasnt us who were meant for each other, Grief would break in and I would waste my time thinking about our happy times being together and I would still ponder over the fact that all those serious efforts were all for nothing yet I would still be thankful enough that you came across my life and that you made me feel special even if its just for a brief amount of time.

And now, All these What If’s are eating me alive.

What if you were the one?
Why did we let our love go to waste?
What if its really us in the end?

Actually, scratch that.

We can’t go back to each other’s arms anymore.

—  We really can’t.