lightning thunderstien

The New Adventures of Captain Cold #2 (other part of the script)
  • *****Every time it says "Sweeney" I mean Rupert Johnson. I just forgot to fix it.*****
  • Captain Cold knocks on the door.
  • Sweeney: Oh. We have a customer.
  • Captain Cold walks in.
  • Sweeney: Hello sir.
  • CC: Hey hey. How are ya?
  • Sweeney: Welcome to my barber shop. Did you come here for a shave today?
  • CC: Uh. Ya no, no.
  • Sweeney: Your name is Captain Cold, correct?
  • CC: Ya. How did you know know me?
  • Sweeney: Who in this wide world doesn't know Captain Cold.
  • CC: Uh.
  • Sweeney: Meet my neighbor, Mrs.Lovett.
  • CC: Hey nice to meet you. How ya doing?
  • Sweeney: Shake her hand, sir.
  • In the “interview room”.
  • Mrs.Lovett: It it started out I was at a party and he, uh, came up to me and offered me a...he said it was a “regional theatre” job, um, doing Sweeney Todd. Which is, ya know, great. And, uh, I went up to his house the next day to “audition” and, uh, there was this outfit in my size.
  • Lightning: Rupert is my buddy. He used to come to the rock,n, roll festival with me uhhh. And I said to him “you should follow your dreams because I followed my dreams and NOW I ROCK,N,ROLL!!!
  • CC: I come in and and there's this guy and I have to say that I was a little off put by the blood on the,ha, on the sleeves. Um. Then there was some confude. His neighbor was there reading a book. Um. It was ju- it was all really sketchy. To say the, to say the least. I was, uh, I was afraid.
  • Sweeney: May I interest you in a shave?
  • CC: No. I don't want a shave. I'm-
  • Sweeney: ♬The closest I ever gave. ♬
  • CC: Do barbers even give shaves?
  • Sweeney: ♬Have this Banana please.♬
  • He hands Captain Cold a banana.
  • CC: Um. Okay, uh. I'll take the banana.
  • Sweeney: Uh. I added my own thing. Sometimes I add my own thing. Uh, for instance today it was a banana. The whole banana thing, I thought he'd go with it. I thought, ya know, go with it. Uh, I know that, I know that he was getting kinda creeped out by the, by a lot of the situation. Uh. I'm sorry. I'm a fairly normal guy. Uh, I just have a few interests. Sweeney Todd is one, Sweeney Todd is two.
  • Captain Cold is sitting in a chair and Rupert is splashing his face with shaving cream.
  • CC: Puh, puh, puh, puh. It's in my mouth. Puh, puh.
  • The “Interview room”.
  • CC: Um. The more I got into it. The more I realized, it uh, this guy was not right. Um. He didn't, he didn't, he didn't have any real, uh. He splashed me with something that could have been urine.
  • Captain Cold is sitting in the chair while Rupert is splashing stuff that could be urine on his face.
  • Sweeney: ♬Pretty women. silhouette in.♬
  • Mrs.Lovett: What really should've put me off is when he wanted me to sleep in a cage. But I, ya know, I figured that well maybe it was some sort of method acting.
  • He continues to splash Captain Cold with a suspicious substance.
  • Sweeney: Women
  • CC: You just can't
  • Sweeney: ♬Oh yes. Women.♬
  • CC: Women?
  • Sweeney: ♬Pretty women.♬
  • CC: Please quit shaving me. Please
  • Lightning: I like Sweeney Todd. It's my most favorite musical. It would only be better if a rrragggahgggraddadsklk!
  • Sweeney: ♬The closest I ever gave.♬
  • CC: You really need to quit saying that.
  • Sweeney: ♬Hold this ice cream scoop please.♬
  • CC: Um. Alright. Um. I-I-I.
  • Rupert picks up a butter knife.
  • Sweeney: ♬Now then my friends. Now to your purpose. Patience.♬
  • CC: I can hear you.
  • Sweeney: ♬Revenge can't be taken.♬
  • CC: I can hear you quite clearly.
  • In the “interview room”.
  • Sweeney: Ya, uh. He just, he just would sing along with me. Um. Just wouldn't do it. I, I tried. I assumed he knew the words. Um. Just wouldn't do it. I don't, I don't know what was up with that.
  • CC: It looked like it was taking place in like, like a soccer moms house really. Um. Like I was thinking maybe, ya know, maybe it was a suburban house with like a barber shop on top. There wasn't. It was just, it was just, like, a dining room really.
  • Mrs.Lovett: *sigh* But I've, I've never had to do anything like this.Uh. Ya know I did have my own place. I didn't have to stay here, um, nut he called my landlord and told her that I was a crack dealer. And he actually planted crack in my apartment.
  • CC: What's wrong with you?
  • Sweeney: Nothing, sir. Nothing.
  • CC: I just want a haircut. Can I get a haircut please?
  • Sweeney: ♬ The closest I ever gave.♬
  • CC: You keep saying that but you can't get a close haircut.
  • Sweeney: ♬The closest I ever.♬
  • The “interview room.”
  • Sweeney: I've got several fr-I've got Tobey. He's a little-he's a little boy that lives with me. He's got red hair. He's a very hairy little boy. Uh. Sometimes we make pies. For some reason he always wants to put doggy treats in them, but that's his thing.
  • CC: Uh. Hey! Hey! Don't I know you?
  • Sweeney: My face isn't all that recognizable, sir.
  • CC: Oh no..
  • Sweeney: Then again, maybe the face of a tenant. The face of a man who applied to be your roommate in the dark isn't all that memorable, sir.
  • CC: Oh ya! You're Rupert Johnson, right?
  • Sweeney: RUPERT JOHNSON!
  • Rupert cuts Captains neck.
  • CC: Uh. Okay. It's clear that you are not a barber. That this is just your house and that, that's probably not you're neighbor.
  • Rupert: That's Mrs.Lovett.
  • CC: That's, that's not Mrs.Lovett.
  • Sweeney: That is Mrs.Lovett
  • CC: That is a fictional character
  • Sweeney: THAT IS MRS.LOVETT.
  • CC: That is a fictional character.
  • Rupert: SIR!
  • CC: I am going to leave.
  • Rupert: I gave you a banana, sir. Sit! Sit, sir, sit!
  • CC: I'm outta here. I'm- This is unhealthy for you. This is unhealthy for me. I'm leaving.
  • Looks at Mrs.Lovett
  • It's nice to have met you. I'm out of here.