lighten up bro

me: hey nice I have time to make something for the matsus birthday but idk what to do. hm. what did I do for my bday? right. nothing

me: well what did we do for my sister’s bday

me:

(Anyway, Happy Birthday Matsuno Brothers)

THE SIGNS AT A STRIP CLUB

Aquarius: HAHAHAHHAHAHA

Virgo: STOP LAUGHING! NO! SAGITTARIUS, YOU COME BACK HERE! AQUARIUS STOP GOING ON THE STAGE!

Aries: *tries to yank Aquarius down from the stage* GET DOWN! WHAT’RE YOU DOING?

Aquarius: blazing it *jumps into the crowd*

Virgo: GREAT! THEY’RE GONE! SAGITTARIUS I SAID COME BACK HERE RIGHT NOW!

Sagittarius: no fight me *runs into the crowd*

Virgo: *hyperventilating* they’reallgonnadieandit’sgoingtobemyfaultohmygodwhydidweevencomeherewhyohmygodwhy w h y

Gemini: MY SONG IS PLAYING! OH MY GOD IT’S ME AND AQUARIUS’S SONG OH MY GOD YE S THEY’LL APPEAR VIRGO, TRUST ME. IT’S OUR SQUAD SONG OH MY GOD

*LMFAO’s “Shots” comes on*

Aquarius: SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS *goes on the stage with Gemini, Sagittarius, and Aries*

Virgo: CAPRICORN! TAURUS! LEO! PISCES! OH GOD! PISCES! WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU?!

*meanwhile in the bathroom*

Pisces: *really high again* wwwhhhhooooaaaa *staring at the toilet*

Virgo: CAPRICORN! OH GOD, THANK YOU! Come here!

Capricorn: *stares at Virgo and brings a shot up to their mouth* no

Virgo: *mother voice* Capricorn…..if you do it…

Capricorn: *still staring at Virgo* watch me *drinks it and then takes 10 other shots*

Virgo: CAPRICORN DAMMIT OH MY GOD YOU ARE SO GROUNDED AT HOME GOD DAMN IT CAPRICORN YOU WERE SUPPO- TAURUS! STOP!

Taurus: *gambling and winning* SUCKERS! *hugs the money and shoves it down their pants and shirt* oh god this is so ugh yes

Libra: *has their party sunglasses on and rave glow on their body and is clearly intoxicated* lighten up, bro *shoves a shot into Virgo’s mouth*

Virgo: STOP NO! I HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF Y- *drinks it* whoa

Libra: B) you like it B))))))))

Virgo: B) I like it *takes more shots* i really- whoaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

Scorpio: okay, Scorpio. Repeat to yourself-

Aquarius: DON’T KILL ANYONE, OKAY AQUARIUS, DON’T KILL ANYONE!

Scorpio:

Scorpio: WE HAVE THE SAME MANTRA OH MY GOD

Aquarius: YEAH BROOOOO NOW COME UP HERE AND DANCE WITH US

Scorpio: *goes on stage* THEY’RE GONNA THINK I’M ONE OF THEM, THOUGH!

Aquarius: *their shirt already off* sO HAHHAHAHA

Aquarius: oh god i think i- *hit the blunt* ahahhahahahhaha

Aries: SHIT *babysits everyone* DAMMIT GUYS I DON’T WANNA DO THIS *gets one of Pisces’s blunts from Sagittarius’s pants*

Sagittarius: EVERDAY I’M SHUFFLING DOO DOD DOODODODODD ODYA YE AH 

Cancer: *fell asleep in the bathroom with Pisces* PISCES WHY ARE YOU ON ME

Pisces: no WE DIDN’T DO IT OKAY WE DID NOT DO IT I JUST WE JUST PASSED OUT

Cancer: HOW

Pisces: *holds up their blunt* 420′s. 

Cancer:

Cancer: let’s do it

Pisces and Cancer: *getting high in the bathroom again* we should go outside

Pisces: yeah

Cancer: yeah

*they get out and get lost in the crowd together*

Leo: I’VE NEVER FELT SO ALIVE *dancing with a bunch of people*

Aries: AHAHHAHAAHHAA *spinning in the chair*

Bartender: are you high, my man?

Aries: *leans really close* y es *falls off*

Aquarius: #rip hhahahaaha

Bartender: *sigh* take care bros

Gemini: OH HEY THERE GUYS, YOU LIKE MY FRIENDS ;)

Libra: WHAT’RE YOU DOING WITH WALLETS! Wait….OH MY GOD THROW THEM AWAY! GEMINI YOU STOLE WALLETS FROM PEOPLE OH MY GOD

Gemini: *confused face* oh…….rrrrrrriiiiiiggggggghhhhhhhht heh *throws the wallets into the crowd but secretly has all the money*

Virgo: HAHAHAHAHA I SHOULD’VE DONE THIS HOURS BEFORE HAHAHA *taking more shots*

Capricorn: SEE YOUS EE

Virgo: yyyEESSSSS DDDDDDDDDDDDDUUDDDDDDDDDDEEEEEEE

Cancer: WEEEEEEEE *spinning with Pisces on the dance floor* 

Pisces: I’M GONNA BE SICK *throws up on a person*

Person: DUDE

Pisces: *wipes their face onto the person’s shirt and whispers* you now have my cum in your pores *takes Cancer’s arm and runs to where Aries and Aquarius are*

Sagittarius: *wakes up between a dancing Stripper’s legs* whoaaaaaa nice shoes *touches the rhinestones* whoaaaa

Stripper: yeah you’ve been asleep holding my shoe for the past 30 minutes. 

Sagittarius: sorry heh *goes off the stage and goes to Taurus*

Taurus: I BELIEVE YOU OWE ME $500, SIR

Gambler: ugh *gives $500 to Taurus*

Sagittarius: *sits next to Taurus* you winning bro

Taurus: oh, i’m winning ;) 

Gambler: NEXT GAME OF POKER OKAY? I BET $100

Taurus: ALRIGHT ALRIGHT 

*they both play with two other people and Taurus wins $1,000*

Taurus: HAHAHHAHAHA *walks away from the game with Sagittarius* can you hold this money? my pants and shirt are filled

Sagittarius: got you dude *fills their own pants and shirt*

Pisces: THIS IS GREAT

Cancer: THIS IS GREAT

*Wasted by Tiesto comes on*

Aquarius: I LIKE US BETTER WHEN WE’RE WASTEDDDDDDDD

Aries: IT MAKES IT EASIER TO FAKE ITTTTTTT

Pisces: THE ONLY TIME WE REALLY TALK IS WHEN OUR CLOTHES ARE COMING OFF 

*Aquarius’s shirt is off, one of Aries’s shoe is held on their head with their shoelace tied onto their hair, Pisces’s hat is gone, and Cancer’s shirt is torn and somehow still on them*

Cancer: I LIKE US BETTER WHEN WE’RE WASTED

Pisces: IT MAKES IT EASIER TO SAY ITTTT

Aries: LAY ALL YOUR LAUNDRY ON THE BED

Aquarius: AND THEN I’LL LAY IN IT INSTEAD

Cancer: I LIKE IT BETTER WHEN WE’RE WASTED

Aries, Aquarius, Pisces, and Cancer: OHOHOHOOHOHOHO WOHAOAAAAAAA

Aries: *shatters a shot glass* WOWHAOWWOOWW

Aquarius: *throws a beer bottle at the wall* WHOAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Pisces: *throws the chair onto the dance floor* YEAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH

Cancer: *throws their shoes at people* WWWWWWWWWWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

*they get kicked out*

Aquarius: what should we do now tho

Pisces: sneak back in

Cancer: But-

Aries: I got-

*the jumpers somehow allow them to come back in*

Aries: nEVERMIND THEN

Gemini: this is way better in 3D….*looking at the huge disco ball*

Capricorn: GAGGAGAAHHAHAHA TAKE ONE MORE

Virgo: *takes one shot* I DARE YOU TO TAKE THREE

Capricorn: OKAY *takes three* TAKE FIVE

Virgo: I BET I CAN TAKE MORE THAN YOU

Capricorn: OH YEAH??

*they take a Shot Challenge and an hour later*

Virgo:…..thirthy-second….*drinks*

Capricorn:….thirtieth…*drinks* oh god….

Virgo: *laugh and slurs* THIRTY-THIRD

Capricorn: *slurring also* THIRTY-SECOND NOW GAHAHA

Libra: I’ll take that *steals a person’s watch* heh

Scorpio: where is everyone- oh nevermind. you wanna go there?

Libra: yea- WHY IS SAGITTARIUS ON THE DISCO BALL HOW THE HELL DID THEY EVEN GET UP THER- IS AQUARIUS THERE TOO???

Scorpio: wHAT 

Sagittarius: I’M GONNA DIE TODAYYYYYYYYY

Aquarius: SSSSSSSSSSSSAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEE

Sagittarius and Aquarius: PARKOUR 

*they jump off the disco ball and crowd surf….and they fell on Gemini*

Gemini: GUYS WHAT THE OH! OW OH FLIPPIN HELL GOD THAT HURTS GET- *scream* GET OFF

Aquarius:…..parkour….

Sagittarius:…is life.

Gemini: can you get off now

Aquarius: yeah

Gemini: thanks

*suddenly everyone screams and gets out of the club*

Virgo: IT WAS JUST A-

Capricorn: PRANK-

Virgo and Capricorn: BRO *pass out*

Gemini: WHAT THE HELL THEY SET THE TABLE ON FIRE 

Aquarius: hey Sagittarius

Sagittarius: yeah bro

Aquarius: *whisper* parkour

Sagittarius: PARKOURRRRRR

Gemini: NO

Taurus: HAHAHHAHA YES

Gemini: WHERE WERE YOU?!

Taurus: me and Sagittarius were emptying the money into the car.

Gemini:….how much?

Leo: *stumbling over* $10,000 hehehehahah

Leo: oooooo a fire

Leo: pARKoUR *tries to jump over the fire but lands face first onto the floor and falls asleep* 

*the cops come and everyone that was passed out gets up*

Leo: SHIT GET OUT HAHAHAHHAHAHA GET OUT

Aquarius: THERE’S AN EXIT THERE

Virgo: *holds the door open* GO GO GO

Aries: SAGITTARIUS STOP HOARDING THE DRINKS 

Sagittarius: *drops 5 bottles of vodka* NO *throws it into the car*

Scorpio: LET’S GO LEO

Leo: *stumbling* HAHAHAHAHHAHAHA

Cancer: CARRY THEM 

Pisces: oh my god…. *carries Leo and they both go in the car with Cancer*

Taurus: MOVE IT, CAPRICORN!

Capricorn: WAITTTTTT *stumbling like Leo*

Taurus: for foods’ sake…*carries Capricorn* you’ve gotta be kidding me

Gemini: DON’T FORGET ME OKAY *jumps into the car*

Virgo: LIBRA, LET’S GO!

Libra: HOLD ON I FORGOT THE WATCH!

Virgo: gET OUT

Libra: oKAY OKAY

*they all get in the car and Aries drives*

Aquarius: well we just trashed a Strip Club and escaped the cops

Aries: worth it tho

Scorpio: true

Virgo: *wakes up* WHERE’S MY SHOT NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Sagittarius: *shoves a vodka bottle into Virgo’s arms* happy

Virgo: *whisper* ya *falls asleep*

*they arrive home*

Gemini:….we should do that again

Everyone: YES

HEADCANONS THAT NO ONE WANTS (apparently no one likes mine )

Since none of you asked for any headcanon requests ( my muse is hurt, you guys, he really is. Sy is sad. ) I’m making my own because iT’S NOT LIKE I NEED YOUR ATTENTION TO FEEL WORTH SOMETHING OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT , ha ha -

So sit down and read these , or don’t, I’m not in a mood to care anymore ….

- Tony is completely overprotective of Spidey, like to the point of DRAGGING PETER AROUND IN A CHILD SAFETY LEASH and Peter is literally sitting there on the sidewalk , refusing to move, hiding his face behind his hands and moaning in embarrassment as Tony pulls him along to the mall
( Natasha films every second of these Family Outings , especially if Wanda is the one on a leash )

-Clint takes Peter to meet his kids one weekend and three minutes later Clint’s wife informs him that Peter is now an honorary Barton child . Clint now has four children and he starts trying to out-dad Tony

-Bruce and Peter inventing complex science projects together and baffling Tony because holy crap Peter is a smart kid thank goodness he’s not evil

-Bucky always carrying snacks for Peter and Steve because Super metabolisms are tricky to live with and he’s got to look out for his nerds

-Peter always bringing Wanda some thoughtful little present because he wants her to smile again , so he’ll buy that cologne her brother loved so much or that music she likes and he leaves them at her door with a note “ From Your Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman : Remember to smile today ”

- Wanda teaching Peter how to adult

-Falcon leaving random tech gifts for Peter after hearing this poor child gets his tech from trashcans

“ Hey Sam check it out!!!! Someone left me a laptop at school today! It’s so cool!”
“ That’s great, Webs! Do you like it? ;) ”

“ SAM DID YOU-”

- Vision helping Peter figure out the best diet for his new metabolism and having long talks with him about morality

- Peter desperately trying to “upgrade” Vision’s wardrobe and slang , much to Clint’s delight

“ Yo, V- Man, how’s it hanging?”
“ How is what hanging, Peter? I do not comprehend.”
“ It’s an expression. Lighten up , bro. ”
“ I can alter my skin shading if you would like , but I do not recall us being related.”

“CLINT COME HELP ME WITH VIZ HE’S IMPOSSIBLE TO WORK WITH!”
* Clint laughing himself to death in the background *
“ I disagree, Peter, my diagnostic scan tells me I am quite pleasing to work with….Why are you so upset?”

“Vision, you’ve gotta change your look , man, you look like my teacher at school. ”
“ Peter I see no issue in looking like someone of learning.”
“ No one wears vest sweaters anymore, dude. Trust me. You want to look cool, right?”
“ I do not need to dress for warm weather , temperature does not affect me. ”
“ WANDA PLEASE COME HELP YOUR BOYFRIEND!”
“ He’s not my boyfriend Peter. ”
“ Suuuuuurrrrreeeeee……”
“ PETER!-Sokovian swearing-”

-Steve literally covering Bucky’s sleep capsule in sticky notes about what’s going on in the world
“ Tony face-planted on national television ”
“ Natasha beat up a cop for giving her a ticket ”
“ Peter has successfully learned to back-sass”
“ Clint’s son dressed up as you for Halloween this year”
“ Bruce fell asleep on the roof of the Quinjet . Natasha took pictures . ”
“ T'challa has set up a nice place for you so I might wake you up soon.”

“Falcon hacked your Facebook. He’s ruining your cool reputation. ”

JohnDave Week 2k16, Day 2: Your AU

((LOOK IT’S MY AU, ASSHOLE!JOHN, which everyone can read over here on AO3, or all the prompts here on tumblr. This is set after the end of the fic, and everyone can blame @magigirljane​ for this, honestly.))

You’re out buying Dave nicotine patches when the first text comes in.

FROM Bro: Don’t bother coming home tonight.

Keep reading

Two Men and Half an Angel (3)

“Gabey, no.” Cas gave his best stern face as he crossed his arms over his chest and glared down his older brother. “Dean will be angry.”

“Lighten up, bro. He ain’t gonna be mad. Well, he might be mad with me but he’d never yell at you.” Gabriel rolled his eyes as he scooted the chair across the kitchen toward the sink. Once the chair was shoved against the sink he crawled up onto it and reached on his tiptoes to open the cupboard. “He loves you too much. Just tell him it was all me.”

Keep reading