This grand show is eternal. It’s always sunrise somewhere; the dew is never all dried at once; a shower is forever falling; vapor is ever rising. Eternal sunrise, eternal sunset, eternal dawn and gloaming, on sea and continents and islands, each in its turn - around the earth roles.
John Muir, The Unpublished Journals of John Muir
Today I moved out of home, and into my dorm room at university. In 9 days I start classes. This is the next chapter of my life.
High school was awful for me; I was depressed, empty, suicidal, self-destructive, and every other toxic and negative thing a person can be. I hoped that upon receiving my certificate, I would leave all that behind. I forget it’s an uphill battle (emphasis on the battle part), and that I could be fighting this forever. It absolutely terrifies me that I could be 40, married with kids, and still wake up some days wanting to kill myself because I might have a sudden relapse. I’ve spent the last 5 hours in my dorm, pottering and putting my things in place. I’ve been sporadically crying and panicking because I’m so scared of making friends and socialising. I’ve felt bad anxiety before, but never this badly. I’m stressed out of my mind because in my head I can’t cope with the social interaction. I’m angry about this because I want to just be able to make friends and be happy and bubbly and comfortable but I’m honestly terrified of everything and I feel like total crap and only now am I starting to mellow out.
One day I’ll stop writing about the same old bullshit and I’ll be better and I’ll stop thinking all these awful thoughts and might actually enjoy being alive; one day I’ll be okay.
I’ve never been able to understand how a person can show compassion and empathy towards others, and then treat their children like shit. I grew up in a world where violent words and obscene fights were the norm. Whenever a child thinks that parents are supposed to scream at each other all the time, the parents have recreated their own affliction.
The child that walked around a house full of misinterpreted rage, finally gets away. She lives with a family that hasn’t been touched by divorce or constant screaming, no fights about pointless violent things. Like something shielded them from the rest of the fucked up families. Didn’t they know that they are supposed to yell more? Its quiet.
For 17 years I was in a black hole that was my family. 2 abusive siblings, a detached father, and a couple of crazed step parents thrown in with an ugly divorce. But my mother is who I want to talk about. By far the most delusional woman I’ve ever had the misfortune to have in my life. Obviously 17 years of abuse takes some time to recoup. It took me a long time to start to heal. I’m still working on that bit. Anyway, she was the kind of woman who fed off sympathy. A self diagnosed victim. She secretly collected emotional trauma and reeked of self pity.
When you decide to have children (or accidentally have children for that matter) you are choosing to give up a part of yourself. You almost have to become an entirely different person. You have to choose not to get drunk in front of them, even though you want to get smashed. You have to pay attention to them and focus on them when you would much rather do something to entertain yourself. You have to execute patients and understanding, when it would be so much easier to yell in their face. Parenting isn’t about the parent. But I didn’t know anything about parenting because I was never parented. When I was still young I had a child and I discovered parenting. Unconditional love.
My first born son was given to a family that I can tell shows the same love and compassion and empathy towards others, as they would my son. Their son. And even though I only got to be his mother for 2 days, I am certain that in that short time, I was an infinitely better parent then dawn.
She told me if I went through with the adoption that the first feeling my son would be exposed to would be “abandonment”. This, coming from the woman who would leave her 15 year old daughter weeks at a time without a word. This coming from the parent who would not come home at night when her daughter was 13. This coming from the hypocrite who celebrated her 2 eldest offspring, but forgot her youngest 12 year old’s birthday. Abandonment. The word is sharp and hard to listen to. It makes my hands tight and my knuckles white to think that I didn’t scream in her hostile face. To this day I still wish I had. I still burn with the rage as if she’s in front of me at this moment saying it to my face. But yelling at people isn’t normal, I learned. Which is precisely why I can’t let the cycle continue. Not in this family. Theres no more room for hypocrites in the house.
A study shows that in a family with a set of twins with alcoholic parents, one twin will become an alcoholic while the other will grow to despise alcohol. Nurture and nature make us all who we are. Parenting determines who you will become. But if your parents are flat out cunts like Dawn, you can still choose to heal. alcoholic parents or not, eventually you come to relies that happiness is a conscience choice. And abuse heals in time, if you allow it.
sO,,, on the way to my appointment i dropped my 3ds and didn’t notice and some college kids stopped their car and called to me to tell me and then on my way home i waved to let a guy go at a stop sign and he actually rolled down his window to shout thank you omg?? (he was rly old and cute too) its like 37 degrees out and i was freezing the 30 minutes there and back but wo w those people were just rly nice my faith in humanity is restored thank u THANK U
You can reflect to see what you may want to change or not change.
Self-pampering makes you feel better.
You have been saying you’d remove that chipped nail polish all week!
You learn so much about yourself.
It’s genuine time to relax, you deserve a break.
Your brain actually really likes the break.
Now you have time to create! To think deeply…
Indulge in your favorite book or TV show. Start a journal. Record your life.
Remember how good it feels to dance around your room to that fun song and just be crazy?
But really, don’t forget to treat yourself to some you-time sometimes. Get a haircut, curl your hair, paint your nails, bake your favorite dessert, go on a walk, paint a picture, cuddle your blankets, think, dance, get inspired, give yourself a break.
we’re so low on food that we’re starting to claim things to ourselves the mac and cheese is mine but my little sister has claimed the entire jar of jalapeños i will attempt to trade her my last chicken slider for some peppers later in the day