life's so cruel!

Flood my Mornings: Service

Notes from Mod Bonnie:

  • This story takes place in an AU in which Jamie travels through the stones two years after Culloden and finds Claire and his child in 1950 Boston.
  • Previous installment:  Thanks (Thanksgiving and Bree’s Birthday)

Late November, 1950

[CEBF]

“Bath time, little smudge!”

Bree squealed and, like a shot, went barreling toward the bathroom. Turning two years old seemed to have turned on a tap of perpetual energy from on high: energy to throw tantrums, energy to hate going to bed, energy to form VERY strong opinions about what she did and did not plan to eat, and so on, and so forth for all time. 

However, she had also decided she loved baths, and by the time I arrived at the tub myself, she was already standing on the bathmat, triumphantly nude and brimming with expectation with her toys in hand. I laughed and kissed the top of her head. “One minute, you goofy girl.” 

I poked my head briefly into the living room. “Do you want bath duty or bedtime duty tonight?”

“I’ll take bed, if it’s all the same to you, Sassenach,” Jamie said, looking up from the rolltop. “I’d like to get the rest of the bills paid and ready for tomorrow’s Post.”

“Fine by me,“ I said, taking the chance to stretch my back, already thinking of plopping into bed as soon as humanly possible. “Thank you for handling those, sweetheart.”

“’Course,” he said with feeling, rising and kissing my forehead. “How are ye feeling?” 

“Pretty well, at the moment,” I said, pleasantly surprised, now that I thought about it. “Like death, this morning, but I haven’t vomited once since lunch!” 

“Victory, indeed,” he grinned, kissing me, long and sweetly. 

MaMAAAA?” bellowed Bree, her voice bouncing ghoulishly around the bathroom walls. “Come’on do insee’pyder, please!”

“I’m being summoned,” I murmured against his lips. 

“Go,” he whispered. “Heaven forbid ‘insee’pyder’ have to wait.” 

“Oh,” I called when I was halfway back down the corridor, “I think the electric bill came today. It’s on the counter by the phone with the rest of today’s mail.”

“Thank you, mo ghraidh,” he called back. 

Tub filled, baby inserted, bubbles abundant, I knelt beside the tub and swirled my hands in the warm water. Bree beamed up at me, ready: “GO! Insee’pyder, Mama!”

Alright,” I said dramatically, reaching for the green plastic sandbox bucket and scooping up water as I sang: “Theeeeeeee ITS-Y-bit-sy spiiiiiider went UP the water spout ….”

I raised the bucket theatrically. “Down came the raaaaaain AND—”

The payload released on, “WASHED the spider out,” dousing Bree with warm, soapy water. 

Fizzy giggles emerged through the waterfall pouring down her scrunched-up face as I sang on. “Out came the suuuun and dried up all the rain, and the ITS-Y-bit-sy spiiiiider went UP the spout—?”

“—AGAIN!!!” Bree finished, knowing the drill and LOVING it.

We had just finished washing the shampoo-spider from her hair and ANOTHER rendition was demanded, when Jamie’s voice came from the doorway. “Sassenach?” 

“Yes, darling?” I said absently, reaching for the bar of soap Bree had just knocked into the water. 

“What is the ‘selective service?’”

My blood froze absolutely cold. I whirled on my knees to gape at him, praying that it was a newspaper clipping in his hand, or one of his library books, or—

But it was a letter bearing the words ‘Department of Defense’ across the top. The truth was written on his face, the tightness of his voice, the rigid set of his jaw. “Tis the forced conscription for the war in the east, aye?”

“Jamie—” I staggered to my feet, praying in blind panic. Please, God, no. “Jamie—Please tell me—you haven’t been—?”

To Mr. James Fraser,” he read, 

“According to our records, you have not yet registered with the Selective Service, as is required of all permanent residents of the United States. 

Please report no later than December 15th, 1950 to the enlistment station named below for registration, or risk revocation of your residency status with the Department of Immigration. 

Sincerely…”

Jamie trailed off, his face a mask of control I hadn’t seen in many years. The sight terrified me to my core—his face of duty, of danger, of great burdens to be borne.  

My hands were shaking as I reached for the letter, as I scanned it wildly for some salvation. “But you’re—you’re not even a citizen! They can’t just force you to go off and fight in their wars!”

“Apparently they can,” he said stiffly. “’All permanent residents,’ it says.”

“Jesus…” There was no way out. “Jesus—fucking—”

“FUN-KING!” Bree squeaked from the tub, sounding immensely pleased. Normally, that would have incited riotous laughter, then stern admonishment and promises between Jamie and I to guard our words more carefully. But we barely noticed. 

My blood pounded so loudly in my ears I could barely hear myself blurting, “We could go to Canada." 

He cocked his head in question. “They dinna fight wars there?”

I gave a jerking shrug. “They don’t usually start them, at least.”

“That’s the coward’s way,” he whispered, his face still stone. “I canna just run.”

“And why not?” I demanded, my voice treacherously close to both tears and shouting.

Why can I no’ take the coward’s way?” The mask wavered, showing his scorn. “Christ, Claire, do ye no’ ken me at all?” 

“And do YOU not know me?” I shouted. “Do you not have the faintest idea what it DID to me to—” It took only the cracking of my voice for the panic to overtake me completely in wracking sobs as my hands went feral. “ —to let you go to your death? For a cause you—shouldn’t even have been dragged into in the first place?? I w—” I choked. I was mere inches from his face, but I could barely see him through the tears. I wrenched a breath from my throat. “—WON’T, do it—again—do you—hear m—?”

Jamie suddenly snatched me hard against him, his voice a cracked moan of despair through his own sobs. “I know, mo chridhe…I know….”

I buried my face in his chest, and could only croak, “Jamie—”

He tried to say something, but couldn’t get a word out. 

We clung to one another with every ounce of strength, swaying and weeping for a long time, until —

“I’m scairt of this, Sassenach.” 

His breath was hot and gasping in my hair. “God, I—dinna want any part of it…. The thought of leaving ye….the—” He let out a sob, and I could feel his tears against my temple, the resonance of his words in my chest. “—Christ, the bairns—” 

He buried his face in my shoulder. “I’m so scairt, Claire.”

“What’s you scairt, Daddy?”

We turned to see Bree standing in the tub, still naked as you please, looking up, stricken.

With a small sound that broke my heart, Jamie released me and crossed to the tub. He lifted his daughter up into his arms and pressed her against his chest, not seeming to notice that his shirt was instantly soaked.

“Daddy? What’s you scairt?” she repeated. 

I had to clamp my hand over my mouth. He clutched her tighter, rocking her, focusing his entire being on love of her. 

“Use-r words, Daddy.” 

Despite everything, he choked out a laugh at that. 

“I’m scairt,” he answered hoarsely after a moment, “of having to leave you and Mama, a chuisle.”  

“Oh…” 

I came and wrapped my arms around them both, trying so very hard not to slip into panic. This—this was my home, these three people I held—That it might be ripped from—

“Dinna leave though’kay?” Bree demanded, glaring sternly at him. “Okayyyy, Daddy?”

Okay?” I seconded in a feeble whisper.

He let out another weak, broken laugh and leaned down to kiss us both. I could feel his chest shuddering with the sobs he was suppressing. 

The words were in Gaelic, breathtakingly quiet, and he repeated them over and over.

 "I won’t…I won’t.”

When he drew back a long, long time later, his eyes were dry. “Now,” he said, kissing Bree and wrapping a towel around her shivering back, “let’s get ye ready for bed, wee cub. Which storybook shall we have, tonight?”


[JF]

Jamie resolved never to let Claire or Brianna see his fear of this ever again. 

“I’ll go tomorrow to register my name,” he said firmly to Claire as he held her in their bed that night, “but it willna come to anything, Sassenach.” There are millions of folk they’ll call up before me.” 

“You don’t — ” 

“Dinna fash, mo nighean donn,” he crooned, kissing and soothing away her fears. “I’m staying right here—We’ll no’ be parted—I’m right here—”

But he lay awake far into the night and most nights to follow, praying with all his soul.

Please, God….

Please….

Dinna take me from them.

Please….

Please…..


[more to come]


From the prompts: 

@dlouise2016 said: This may not be appropriate for FMM but in response to your request for Jamie “firsts” & since he is only about 27-28, there was a military draft going on at the time for the Cold War & the Korean War. Since Jamie was certainly a warrior, he must have some strong feelings about war & Claire definitely would with her WWII experience  

@chechzooo suggested: Staying out of the draft

Oh Sehun//For Her

Originally posted by veriloquentmind

Summary: The first words you’ll hear your soulmate say are tattooed onto your skin from birth. You hear the words, but in the worst possible situation - he’s in love with your close friend. 
Scenario: Soulmate AU, angst, fluff
Word Count: 5,746

Keep reading

8

“No one knows what tomorrow will bring… But I know we will walk slowly together for our tomorrow..” - Guhai & Bai Luoyin / Huang Jingyu & Xu Weizhou

anonymous asked:

Remember that song Ishida posted a while back (Surender by Buzz Mothers) with Kaneki and Touka art. With all the convos going on and the Touken talk basically being the final boss, there is a piece of the song that's starting to make some sense (to me). "Perhaps it is because I have rejected peaceful days,after taking the meaningless detour,I laugh when I see her – tired from waiting – asleep in an acrobatic posture." (That last bit sounds like they are about to do the dirty)

You clairvoyant anons never cease to amaze me! I got this ask like a week ago and back then my reply would have been along the lines of “Lol, that would be great, wouldn’t it! Unfortunately I think that might be wishful thinking, since when you choose an already-existing song for your characters, there are always going to be lines that don’t necessarily fit.” But now that the dirty may be about to be done, I see it in a new light! Just for fun, I’m going to try dissecting that song’s relevance to Touken.

Lyrics translated by the wonderful sunset-tower!

Music here.

Surrender
by Buzz Mothers

The title suggests that Kaneki should surrender the hero act and just be honest with Touka about his feelings. This will become apparent in the penultimate verse.

What a sad person she is
All alone in this wide world

Touka has lost both her father and her brother and she goes on to lose Yoshimura, Koma, Irimi, Hinami - and of course, Kaneki. They all either leave her or are taken away from her.

What a pitiful person she is
That a person like me is her only saviour

Both Kaneki’s self-deprecation and hero complex shines through here. He laments that life has been so cruel to her that she can have faith in someone as damaged as him. 

Like a heat haze my determination wavers
Once again I’ve lost the tiresome battle without even fighting

I think these lines can be taken to refer to Kaneki’s crusade against Aogiri, especially since this was when Kaneki was playing the role of ‘saviour’ in order to protect Touka and others. He eventually gives up on his quest not because he’s losing the fight, but because his friends persuade him that he’s walking down the wrong path - especially Touka, who finally convinces him to return to Anteiku.

Disappointed, while I’m writhing in pain somewhere
she murmurs to me with a smile, “You’re lovely.”

But Kaneki goes back on his decision when he sees Anteiku under attack and throws himself into the fray. While he writhes in pain from Arima’s assault, he remembers Touka on the bridge expressing both disappointment in him and concern for his well-being. At the end of the manga, Touka expresses faith in Kaneki.

Tonight, I belong to you
Tonight, you are my monster
Tonight, I belong to you
Tonight, you are my monster

These lines could be coming out of either of their mouths. The term “monster” shows that they are accepting the sins and ‘Ghoulish’ qualities of the other. One night in the future (maybe next chapter!), they express their love and recall everything that has come to pass.

On nights with no way home,
the only guide is the lonely light in her room

When Kaneki loses his memories, he loses the way back home to his old life and to Anteiku. The only guide and light of hope is Touka’s room, or more specifically her cafe. The “lonely” light of the room is a transferred epithet for the room’s owner, missing Kaneki.

On an unfamiliar street, burning alone,
a lonely light that is almost warm

Anteiku is gone and its successor is in a different location, so it is literally on an unfamiliar street for Kaneki. This adds to Haise’s confusion when he has no memories of the place itself and yet it evokes glimpses of his past. It is new but old, different but the same - much like how Tokyo Ghoul:re is to Tokyo Ghoul. The light is “almost” warm because while Kaneki is drawn to his past, he is simultaneously frightened of it. 

Perhaps it is because I have rejected peaceful days,
after taking the meaningless detour,

Very much Kaneki’s attitude after he regains his memories. Haise was a meaningless detour to him, a pathetic attempt to run away from his problems without actually dealing with them. As such, he allows despair to flood back into his soul, freezing over the warmth that defined Haise and discarding the false peace he felt during that time while facing his misery head on.

I laugh when I see her – tired from waiting –  
asleep in an acrobatic posture

Kaneki finally comes back to :re and Touka, who is naturally tired, since she has been waiting for a bloody long time. Personally I think the acrobatic posture’s just a bit of the song’s humour and doesn’t tie in with Touken, but feel free to read it however you like.

Tonight, I belong to you
Tonight, you are my monster
Tonight, I belong to you
Tonight, you are my monster

If I were to disappear,
buy a new notebook
If sorrow were to creep in at night,
lock it up within the five lines

The singer here advises his lover to transform any sorrow he causes her into poetry, the five lines referring to the structure of a tanka poem. Touka has zero interest in literature, but the basic meaning still applies: if something happens to me, please turn that pain into something beautiful and don’t let it destroy you. It fits pretty well with the creation of :re in response to Kaneki’s original disappearance, and I think Touka’s naturally going to be concerned that she might lose Kaneki again as soon as she has him back. He may say something along these lines to her, or even leave it to her as a ‘testament’ like the CCG do to mirror the Raid arc of the original series. His mentor Arima could never find anything to write because he could not think of anyone who loved him; but in Kaneki’s case, he’s going to finally understand how loved he already is.

Tonight, I belong to you
Tonight, you are my monster
Tonight, I belong to you
Tonight, you are my monster

Baby, the seasons will change again in the streets
It doesn’t matter, leave me behind

Kaneki offers words of inspiration for Touka in case anything does happen to him, advising her to move on as things will always change for the better as the seasons turn from Winter to Spring.

Aaah, I am anxious all the time
So be by my side and give me courage, always

But Kaneki’s own fear, not just for himself, but for all his loved ones leaks through, and he expresses his honest feelings and insecurities to her rather than trying to protect her with words. He asks for her to always be with him, extinguishing his loneliness for good, and to give him the strength and hope he needs to continue.

Baby I love you so bad

HE LOVES HER

Like a heat haze, the everyday wavers
I laugh, like I’m forfeiting happiness

Things in Kaneki’s life have always been subject to sudden change, and even the peaceful everyday he hopes to find is at risk. The very last line suggests Kaneki’s concerns about finding happiness in the fear that he’s just going to lose it all again - if this goes wrong for him, he feels as though he might not ever be happy again. He’s laughing because he’s happy, but simultaneously, he is frightened. Like he said in Chapter 119, if his life took a turn for the better, his first feeling would be fear that it would disappear.


So, that’s my reading of Ishida’s reading of the song. Obviously not a lick of this was intended when the song was written - this is just what I think Ishida saw in the song that made him choose it for Touken. 

The Dexholders’ Reaction to 1000 Days a Stone

[Disclaimer: These are my own headcanons and I suck at writing. If you have any complaints, write it in double spaced-Times-12 format and include at least 6 sources from scholarly articles which must be referenced using Harvard referencing style (ps: avoid footnotes)]

Red: …Wow. Being a stone for over three years… I wonder if he’s okay in there.

Green: I can’t stand being petrified for three years. He had it much heavier. I’ll see if he will still be fit as a Dexholder when he gets out.

Blue: Oh… Oh my. It gives me flashbacks… I don’t want to remember…

Yellow: W-why… I don’t want anyone else to suffer like us. Not our juniors… Is this nature’s cruel fate?

Gold: Yo what the shit??? Man that’s terrible. Poor chap. I’ll fight whoever sealed him. What a wanker

Silver: … So it’s Ghetsis.

Crystal: Oh my… 1000 days? He’s gone through worse than me. I need to be stronger than him.

Ruby: ONE THOUSAND DAYS? God, no. I’m gonna lay down. This is too absurd to comprehend.

Sapphire: One… One thousand days. That’s… That’s a lot. A shit lot. H… How? Will he still be sane? What does it feel like in there?

Emerald: heh… I’m not sure if he’s getting out there in one piece. Hope he’s okay tho.

Diamond: What a dreadful experience. I’m going to help him cope when he gets out. No one should deserve this.

Pearl: W-what? No. No! Why is life so cruel? No! Dia… he’s going to need our support. I’ll make sure of it.

Platinum: I’ve been though some bizarre experiences in my life but… being on a limbo for over three years…

Black:

White: Dear Black. I’ve been contributing a lot on Pokestar lately, and my clients are very happy with the agency as of current. If only… If only you’re here right now. I… I can’t accomplish this without y-your help. I should’ve not… I sh…. I was powerless on that day. It’s all my fault… No. I did what I could. I’m sorry. Black…. I miss you. Please… Please come home.

Lack-Two: It was indeed devastating news. We need our witness here ASAP, and the people I know missed him. When he returns, we can continue my team’s investigation on the Pokemon League incident. On behalf of the International Police and the Dexholder union, we’re sorry.

Whi-Two: Mama said nature can be cruel to us and Pokemon. If this had happened to Whi-Two’s senior, I hope it does not happen to Whi-Two. He might be against Lord N once, but Whi-Two still think it’s too much for him…

X: Sensationalism. Ugh. I hate it. True figures please. There’s no way someone can be trapped in a small rock for over three years. You can’t fool me; you all are just doing it for the money.

Y: Three… years. As if current events wasn’t bad already…

Sun: W-Wha? Three years? Imagine how much money you can obtain for working for three whole full years? Man, I would. I would break down.

Moon: Gosh. One thousand days… Is this the right desicion? Should I go through weird shit like this as well if I become a dexholder? Anyway, once I get him patched up - if he gets out in the end, of course - I’ll make sure no one experiences similar things anymore.

[I want to get off mr kuska’s wild ride…]