hi pretties 🌷💕
may is almost over kids, which means i have waited all of mental health month to share own my story! when i first started this blog, i mentioned that i had some issues in high school but i never really shared about them.
i got depressed for the first time when i was a sophomore. i didn’t have much friends and i was painfully shy so i had a really hard time socializing with anyone but the few friends i already had growing up. not being given much attention made me feel a little insecure, sorta like i wasn’t good enough. i had never been confident, and i developed a habit of comparing myself to other girls. because of this, i became extremely self conscious about my looks, especially my body. at this time, i was at a healthy weight; i didn’t overeat and never in my life was i overweight, but comparison and insecurity got the best of me.
it started with me wanting to lose just a few pounds. i didn’t have much knowledge about healthy eating and weight loss, but simply eating less was how it began (this is also when i started running). overall, i just wanted to look and feel more fit. what i didn’t realize was that i was becoming obsessive about it. i wouldn’t finish meals or i would skip them; i stayed away from certain foods, even foods i used to eat all the time. i even tried counting calories everyday, how much i was eating and how much i was burning. i thought i was doing myself good, but by the time i was early into my junior year, “a few pounds” became 20. this made me feel tired, depressed, even scared of eating like a normal person. all i remember from my junior year and the summer after is being unhappy with my life. i tried to fill the void with guys, partying, being around people i shouldn’t have been, and on top of all this i was completely faking my confidence; i’d cry because i hated myself then walk into a room and act like i loved myself more than anyone.
when senior year rolled around, i knew i had an eating disorder. i knew that i was unhealthy, and if i kept doing what i was doing, i was going to end up in the hospital. that was the year that i started trying to overcome these habits (notice i said TRYING). when i made the decision to start recovering, i had no idea that it would be so difficult. my weight began to go up and down, and it got really frustrating. some days i felt genuinely happy with my body, but other days i felt awful. i was proud of myself, though, because no matter how hard it was, i never let myself starve again.
the end of my senior year and that summer is a story for another time. but i went through a lot and i met people who helped me become who i am today. i also found out that i am a lot tougher than i look! i’ve become truly happy with who i am, and i am genuinely myself again. i am able to run because i like to run, not because i’m trying to lose weight. i eat whatever i want, whenever i’m hungry (so cake). and although anorexia doesn’t consume my life anymore and i’m healthier than i used to be, i’m still recovering from those painful two years. sometimes i have my bad days, but i always end up finding a way to pick myself up.
so if you’re still reading (thanks💕), please remember to take care of yourself, whether that means staying alive another day or simply eating breakfast. and i don’t care if it feels like the whole damn world has given up on you, don’t give up on yourself. your life is worth so much more than that asshole in your head that keeps telling you you’re not good enough.
so there you go friends, my first personal story about my mental health journey! thank you for those of you who stuck through it all, i know i’m not the best writer in town but i like to tell stories! 🙆🏻
(another thanks for your support)