life love & lessons

Not everything is supposed to become something beautiful and long-lasting. Sometimes people come into your life to show you what is right and what is wrong, to show you who you can be, to teach you to love yourself, to make you feel better for a little while, or to just be someone to walk with at night and spill your life to. Not everyone is going to stay forever, and we still have to keep on going and thank them for what they’ve given us.
—  Emery Allen

You couldn’t look at me.

I was right there, and you couldn’t look at me.

Maybe it killed you to see that I could smile without you, that I could laugh with someone who wasn’t you. Maybe you finally realized that I could breathe and live, and that I didn’t need you after all.

Because at some point I got tired of chasing, chasing someone who was never going to come around. I was a fool, going back and forth playing your stupid, little game. The difference between you and I though, I tried to get through to your heart - I cared, I loved, and you didn’t. You could’ve let me in, you should’ve let me in, you needed to let me in.

But you made a decision, and your decision wasn’t me.

—  c.f. // “game over”
But the most beautiful things in life are not things. They’re people, and places, memories, and pictures. They’re feelings and moments and smiles and laughter.
—  Unknown

Let me talk for a second.

Let me recap for you the first time I ever
held another’s hand; working my fingers
around theirs like a master weaver, veins
threading together in tight stitches. Candy
pressed into my palm, the bones sugary
sweet just beneath skin. No wonder I always
wanted to taste the tips, nail grazing tooth
slowly like savoring something decadent.
And he was.

Let me talk for a second.

Let me remind you of what it’s like to feel
closure. Crawling into a freezer, ice licking
at my eyelashes and frostbite attempting
to make friends with my toes. I have a friend
padlock it behind me. Trap me in, tie me
down. I turn glacier; solid, slow-moving, but
m e l t i n g. My water is collected and swallowed
down by pride. Left to ice over again.
Only the right tools can chip away at my
body now.

Let me talk for a second.

Let me show you what love is supposed to
feel like. Calm wind shifting linen curtains from
an open window, clean sheets tangled around
naked bodies. Teeth marks engraved into
collarbones, lazy arms tosses over shoulders,
the lingering high of comfort drifting through
the air. The walls of this room doesn’t make it
feel like home, but the one lying next to you,
rather. The softness extends far deeper than
the mattress.
The warmth feels eternal.

Let me talk for a second.
Let me get one word in.
Let me, let me, let me
convince you it is okay
to feel things as wholly
and certainly as you do.

—  listen to me for once // Haley Hendrick
I’m just scared you know? What if I fall in love with him and he leaves? What if he leaves just like the rest of them? I’m not ready for that, I don’t want that mess again. I just now picked up all my broken pieces; I really, really don’t want to do that again.
—  c.f. // “I’m fragile, handle with care”
Please don’t fool yourself into thinking that if you “fix yourself” you can make a toxic relationship better. It isn’t about you. You’re not the one making it toxic, so you becoming a better person isn’t going to change the toxicity.
On the cold autumn days when you feel out of place and sick to your stomach and you feel like your tears could fall for hours, those are the days when you should take time to yourself for a while. Write, finish that book you’re reading, watch something on YouTube to make you laugh, drink some hot tea, and then take a nap in your favorite hoodie. Make sure you take care of yourself when the world makes the mistake of not noticing how amazing you are.
—  just be here. be yourself. be alive.

You see, you never really think your world is crashing and burning to the ground until you’re staring at it, shattered all over the floor. And I always believed that once you hit rock bottom, the only way you can go is up.

But things keep spiraling out of control. The days aren’t getting any better and I’m struggling just to breathe over here. I’ve been through hell and back and I’m not getting any silver linings.

I’m not going up.

I haven’t hit my rock bottom yet.

—  c.f. // “it’s only going to get worse”