life like a camera

Life is like a camera. Focus on what’s important, capture the good times, develop from the negatives, and if things don’t work out – take another shot.

*tears up while thinking about Harry Styles*


defbeoms’ fave mvs 🎥 [1/?]

⤷ Seungri || 할말있어요 (Gotta Talk To U)

what my depersonalization / derealization feel like
  • looking down at myself like through a camera lens
  • I feel like I watch life from above or next to my body
  • bad short term memory, fragmented memories, questioning my memories
  • I can move these hands and legs just like that? how is it that I’m walking?
  • feeling like I was put into this world without any reason or agency
  • I can’t visualize what people look like (but it has gotten better)
  • everything looks like I am looking through frosted glass
  • familiar faces and places can feel foreign, recognizing them is not always that easy
  • everything happens very slowly or way too quickly
  • I have no understanding of time progression, was this yesterday or two weeks ago?
  • feeling no emotional connections and attachments, life and everything in it bears no meaning
  • hearing a second voice that’s constantly commenting and mocking me (not anymore)
  • my body feeling like a shell to me, being separate from it, bodily functions are weird
  • numbness, I can “feel” pain, but most of the time there is no “hurting” to it
  • feeling nonexistent when my environment doesn’t react to / interact with me
  • my reflection being distorted and/or blurry
  • difficulty forming thoughts and verbalizing them, fragmented thoughts, no thoughts
  • delay in understanding what others are saying, delay in responding (at least it feels like it)
  • dizziness, feeling like I am going to faint
  • disorientation, forgetting where I am and how/why I got there for a minute
  • feeling weightless or feeling endlessly heavy
  • clumsiness
  • being on autopilot and not remembering what I did during that period
  • patterns can look like they are vibrating
  • my voice sounds different, clearer and louder, foreign to me, this can make it hard to speak
  • being unable to focus and concentrate, reading can be tough
That’s when I’ll get on that fresh content. It’s funny, you know, I have to try and not be too thinking for ages about what is the… you know, who am I? What am I doing with my life? What is my personality? I’m making these YouTube videos, well you know… what is a YouTube video? What is entertainment? What is creativity? What is the point of anything? Should I just be trying to make people laugh? Think? Feel? I don’t know. How do I do that? Do I do it by myself? Is it just me and a camera sat in front of a chair? Do I need to do like a sketch? *argh!* You can see how I can just panic internally for weeks. Sometimes, I wish I was just a gamer full time that was like ‘my purpose in life to turn on the camera, film a video’. That’s why I like filming the gaming videos that we do 'cause I’m like 'I’m here and I’m giving the people something on the Internet, so that they know I’m not dead’ and it's just nice and it makes people smile and laugh and whatever but what is Dan Content? You tell me… *10 minutes later* I’ve realised that in a way, what I do is just publicly not have any idea what I’m doing with my life and that kind of is the content I create. So maybe if I ever became emotionally stable and had an idea of what my purpose in life was, maybe my appeal would be lost entirely but then what does that mean? Am I just… is my purpose just to constantly be in a free fall? Who knows? It’s all fun.

@danielhowell​ during his live show on the 30th of May 2017

Quotes from Dan (52/?)

Dan voicing the existential inner debate he often struggles with while trying to make original creative videos.

Every runner has their own rituals while preparing for a mission.

When Five prepares for battle mode, they shave their head. They used to do so in private, at MMB, but there is no privacy in Able. Runners are buzzing around them like a hive, having their own little rituals.

Yao’s there, too. His ritual is to join them, because he likes to see their faces before sending them off.

If he’s not there, they seek him out. Because their rituals aren’t the same anymore, without one Sam Yao in it.