life lane

The Cast of The Outsiders Now as Members of Your Dysfunctional Family Thanksgiving

C Thomas Howell (Ponyboy)

-Creepy Uncle™ vibes.

-He’s not actually your uncle he’s like your dad’s second cousin’s nephew in law or some shit you really can’t remember.

-But he drinks milk straight from the carton and it makes you really uncomfortable.

-Don’t look him in the eyes.

-Smells like weed.

-You get forced to sit next to him on the couch after dinner and then he turns out to be a pretty cool guy.

-Has this weird scar on his elbow with a whole elaborate story behind it.

-Brought the 20-something year old he’s dating which is kind of weird but they’re making it work and they seem happy so okay.

-Takes all of the little kids out for ice cream when everything ineveitably falls to shit and everybody starts getting drunk and screaming at each other so they don’t have to be around that.


Leif Garret (Bob)

-Creepy Uncle™ vibes^2

-You do actually want to avoid him.

-Like he’s not even related to you. At all.

-Nobody knows what he’s doing in your house.

-“Wait, I thought he came with you!" "No, he came with you!”

-Drinks all he beer and just makes everybody really uncomfortable.

-He’s only there for 20 minutes.

-The next thing you know he and the turkey are both gone.

-You never see any of them either again.


Diane Lane (Cherry)

-That one really awesome aunt everybody loves.

-Gives throughtful Christmas presents.

-Has like 10 kids.

-Still looks gorgeous after all of them.

-Is the one who put this whole thing together God bless her heart.

-Ends up curled up on the kitchen linoleum crying and chugging a bottle of red wine after everything ineveitably falls to shit and everybody starts getting drunk and screaming at each other somebody give this poor woman a hug.


Rob Lowe (Sodapop)

-Your mom’s older brother.

-The Fun Uncle.

-Tells all the kids too many stories about his crazy college days.

-“…and that’s why you shouldn’t do drugs, kids.”

-Gets the fuck out of there the second everything ineveitably falls to shit and everybody starts getting drunk and screaming at each other. Smart dude.


Michelle Merink (Marcia)

-Your mom’s younger sister.

-The one gay family member.

-Everyone is going out of their way to avoid acknowledging the fact that she’s gay.

-Like literally she brings her wife of 10 years and everybody’s still like, “Aunt Michelle and her…friend.”

-Brought a cassorole.

-Is done with this shit.

-Leaves with her wife as soon as everything ineveitably falls to shit and everybody starts getting drunk and screaming at each other. They go to her wife’s family’s Thankgiving dinner and it is a much much better experience.


Patrick Swayze (Darry)

-The awesome grandpa who’s been dead for years.

-Everyone’s remembering him fondly and telling heartwarming stories about him while also desperately trying to avoid actually bringing up the fact that he’s dead.


Matt Dillon (Dallas)

-Your second cousin’s new husband thay she brought with her.

-It’s the first time anybody’s meeting him because they got married after like three months of knowing each other.

-Nobody approves.

-He’s super uncomfortable and trying his best to be polite like he compliments your evil great great aunt and offers to do the dishes and everything.

-Yeah by the end of the night all of the younger girl cousins have crushes on him and all of the alcoholic unhappily married women are Jealous™

-Is super confused and kind of disturbed when everything ineveitably falls to shit and everybody starts getting drunk and screaming at each other but he knows better than to ask any questions.


Emilio Estevez (Two-Bit)

-Another person who you can’t actually remember how your related to.

-You only ever see him at Thanksgiving otherwise he might as well not even exist.

-Just chilling.

-Staying out of the drama.

-Eating his pie.

-Takes his pie into the bathroom to finish it when everything ineveitably falls to shit and everybody starts getting drunk and screaming at each other.


Ralph Macchio (Johnny)

-That one fully grown cousin who they make eat at the kids’ table when they run out of room.

-Joins Emilio Estevez in the bathroom when everything ineveitably falls to shit and everybody starts getting drunk and screaming at each other. They sit in the bathtub together and eat pie and have a heartfelt chat it’s actually kind of nice.


Tom Cruise (Steve)

-Your dad’s dickhead little brother who didn’t bother to show up.

-Grandma set a placemat out for him out of spite.

-It’s just…sitting there.

-He’s probably out having a good time somewhere far away when everything ineveitably falls to shit and everybody starts getting drunk and screaming at each other.

-Honestly who can really blame him you’d ditch Thanksgiving every year too if you could.


Glenn Withrow (Tim)

-Cool Uncle

-Married to your dad’s sister.

-Is in a band.

-Also smells like weed.

-Pretty Chill dude until everything ineveitably falls to shit and everybody starts getting drunk and screaming at each other. Then he manages to make three people cry and put a brand-new whole in grandma’s wall.


S.E. Hinton (Nurse)

-Great great aunt.

-Is still alive…somehow.

-Yells everything because she can’t hear.

-Complains.

-Hits people with her cane.

-Is probably the reason everything ineveitably falls to shit and everybody starts getting drunk and screaming at each other.

You know my favorite thing about Lois and Clark’s relationship in Smallville is how Clark is always investigating something to like save people and what not. And he tries to not involve people because it will put them at risk, etc.

But Lois always shows up along the way with the same, or more information than him.

This happens from the very beginning. They are both trying to find out who killed Chloe, and Clark finds out where she is and goes to face that guy who can turn himself to metal. And Lois shows up, and Clark is all, “How did you get here?”

And then when the cheerleaders spike the football player’s punch with a love potion, and Chloe is infected. Clark tells Lois about it, and she’s like, “Good job. Now do you want to know what they are using?”

And it just sort of continues for years, and it surprises them here and there. But they finally just learn to accept it. Like when Clark is in the ring to fight Titan, and they throw Lois in there first. And both of them are basically like, “of course you’re here.”

It’s just so cute. Clark starting at the planet, and them becoming partners was just so natural at that point, because they’d been basically working together for years without even realizing.

12th House 101

The 12th house in astrology rules hidden things, endings, and your subconscious. The traits and energies of the 12th house have aptly been described as “belonging to you, but also not”. They are harder to recognize within ourselves, as these are concealed energies.

For the planets in the 12th house, the energies of the planet will be hidden and you may feel misunderstood in that area. 

Sun: You enjoy time by yourself, and you may be introverted. You prefer to have a quiet, peaceful environment. You may be very sensitive and empathetic. You are drawn to spiritual and hidden subjects.

Moon: You are very intuitive and may be very spiritual. Your emotions are hidden from others, although you feel things very deeply and intensely. You need to have alone time to recharge. You probably connect easily to music. You feel other’s pain and emotions deeply and they combine with yours.

Mercury: You keep your thoughts hidden and often hold your tongue instead of speaking. You think deeply and carefully before you speak. You may be very shy and private. You think deeply and are very observant. You like to learn abstractly, and love to daydream and imagine.

Venus: You are known to hide your feelings towards loved ones or love interests. You may prefer to keep your relationships private and to yourself, or are prone to having secret relationships. You may be attracted to or attract people who need your help in healing.

Mars: You hide your desires and feelings of anger. You like to pry into the minds of others, as well as your own. You may have a hard time expressing what you want, and it’s hard for others to tell what you want as well. You find it hard to express your emotions and passions or interests, or keep them inside.

Jupiter: You are very intuitive and optimistic. You are probably very spiritual or feel connected to your spirituality. You love to serve others and help them with your sensitivity. You may have visions, prophetic dreams, or very vivid dreams or imaginations.

Saturn: You repress your doubts, fears, and feelings. You feel responsible for others, and have a fear of letting them down. You feel guilty often and have a fear of the unknown. You prefer to be alone and to do your work or things alone. You try very hard to be in control of yourself and your emotions.

Uranus: You like to expand or learn by yourself. You like having the freedom of being by yourself. You may have visions or strong thoughts or feelings about the future. You love to help others who are suffering and to help others change.

Neptune: You are extremely sensitive to yourself, others, and your environment. Other’s emotions, feelings, or beliefs affect you deeply, and you pick up on those energies easily. You may feel misunderstood in your emotions, sensitivity, and beliefs. You are interested in taboo subjects. You may have psychic abilities.

Pluto: You feel like you have to hide who you really are. You like to work behind the scenes rather than be in the spotlight. You are naturally very secretive and hide things from others. You feel anger very intensely, but hide those feelings or thoughts from others.

The signs in the 12th house are energies and traits present within your subconscious. Or they are subconscious behaviors or energies you give off.

Aries: You are energetic and aggressive only behind closed doors. You repress your anger and feelings of rage. You think of yourself as very level headed, even though you might not come off that way. You aren’t very competitive, but once you get started, you have a hard time stopping.

Taurus: You crave and value security. You come across as less stable than you actually are. You may feel the need to live life in the fast lane, and rarely like to stop and take things slowly.

Gemini: You have a very quick and witty mind, but you keep it to yourself. You may be oblivious to just how smart or articulate you are. You are prone to over thinking and keeping your thoughts to yourself instead of vocalizing them.

Cancer: You probably aren’t very aware of your feelings, or just how deep they are. You hide your emotional nature from others, not wanting them to see that side of you. You try and come off as strong and brave, even if you really aren’t. Being vulnerable is really rough for you.

Leo: You don’t like the spotlight or being the center of attention. You are a great leader, but only when the attention isn’t on you. You may be very shy or introverted, or just appear that way. You are very selfless, almost to a fault. You need help realizing your potential.

Virgo: You come off as more judgmental or intimidating than you actually are. You have a very sharp tongue, usually without realizing it. You are very critical and have certain standards and expectations that you want met. You hate to be wrong.

Libra: Working with others isn’t your strong suit. You work better alone, not with a partner. You come off as independent and as someone who doesn’t need anybody else. You may have a hard time seeing the beauty and love within yourself.

Scorpio: You think you are much more optimistic than you actually are. You have a subtle intensity and power. You are very secretive and keep everything to yourself. You deny anything that would assume you are darker or have a darker side than you appear.

Sagittarius: You keep your beliefs and philosophies to yourself, but you like to share those thoughts when comfortable or alone. You may come across as more cold and cynical than you really are. You are more warm and friendly when you are alone or comfortable.

Capricorn: You are easily overwhelmed by responsibilities and work. You shrug off any problems or have trouble admitting you need help. You don’t like to focus or dwell on anything more than you have to.

Aquarius: Your humanitarian ideals and attitude is hidden, and comes out when you are alone or comfortable. You may be in denial about your individuality. You may sometimes find yourself trying to blend or fit in more than stand out. You feel misunderstood easily.

Pisces: You are a lot more gentle and sensitive than you come across, even if you push those traits down. You try to hide your sensitive side, and try to appear as tougher and stronger. But when alone, you are very compassionate.

A boy who, drunk with the perfume of elder blossoms
And the massivenss of moonrise, stood
In a lone lane, […]
In a rage of joy, to seize, and squeeze, significance from,
What life is, whatever it is.

Robert Penn Warren, from “Rumor at Twilight,” Altitudes and Extensions: 1980-1984 in New and Selected Poems 1923-1985 (Random House,1985)

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