life is too hard im never going to make it

i feel bad i feel bad i feel bad. i disappoint everyone including myself and i dont deserve to have eaten that bc im not going to work anymore. i cant do it im so exhausted just existing is so hard just the thought of moving and going somewhere leaves me so tired. im a burden an d i make eveyone’s life more difficult . im never going to get anywhere im stuck here and i cant do anything. i feel like im drowning and im trying to hard not to go under but im so tired . i just want everything to stop so i can rest. i dont even know what to do any more. im not goingg to kill myself dont worry, i think about it but im too scared and i dont want to die . i iwsh i didnt live here i hate the city its so dirty and scary and loud. im so tired i cant go running anymore, i can only for a bit and then i walk but i have to keep doing it so i dont get unfit. maybe someone would tell me im crazy and need help but i dont want any help i want things to happen how i want . i really miss when i was happy and playing on beaches. i just want to go  back.

I need to say this

Hey guys. I know I shouldn’t post this here but I feel like i have to.
I have tried to give up so many times. I don’t understand what did I do to deserve this hard life.

These dark times im going through are so hard for me. And yet this community tries to tell me i am important. Even Mark or Jack try to. I really cannot see it. Right now I am on the verge of a panic attack, crying my eyes out.
Yet people wants me to be okay. I will never be a perfect person. I have bad things too.
And this depression and anxiety does not make me feel better.
But a few moments ago, I was reading the messages that you guys sent me. Wanting me to feel better and to smile.
And then I saw a gif set of markiplier and therealjacksepticeye being positive. Crying about how much they care about us. Or even crying about the lost ones who were fans before. And I couldn’t help it but I started crying.

I am shaking and sharing these feelings because I wanted to thank you guys. I always feel like i am not important. Yet a few people and two youtubers who don’t even know me, they are telling I matter. And I cry more because if there is actually someone out there who cares…maybe I’m not that bad.
Jack and Mark are not gonna see this. And if they read it they won’t reply but it’d be nice if you guys shared.
These are really important words to me.
Thank you everyone for everything. I’ll try to smile as soon as possible.
Have a good day.
Monodes.