life is short so am i

anonymous asked:

What is umfbamha? I keep hearing about it but idek what it is?

i am so glad you asked.

until my feet bleed and my heart aches (short: umfbamha) is an almost 200k words long yoi on ice fanfic, written by the gorgeous (but also evil) mastermind @kazliin. here’s the summary:

‘…Of all the rivalries in the world of sports over the years, perhaps none has become so legendary as that of Russian figure skater Viktor Nikiforov and his rival, Japanese Yuuri Katsuki…’

A single event changes the course of Yuuri’s life, throwing him into a bitter rivalry with Viktor Nikiforov that spans across his entire skating career. But as the years go on, rivalry and hatred begin to develop into something very different and Yuuri doesn’t seem to be able to stay away, no matter how hard he tries.

Hatred and love are two sides of the same coin and even though everything changes, some things are still meant to be.

basically, it’s an agonizing rivals au slowburn with fantastic little social media bits aka outsider povs in the middle. it’s completely from yuuri’s pov, and since he’s a notoriously unreliable narrator, we’ll be getting the whole story from victor’s pov too after this one is finished! which is after next week, since chapter 14 is going to be the last one. it’s going to be extremely painful and i cannot wait. just thinking about it makes me heart physically hurt. wow, amazing.

the fic is updated every other week, and chapter 13 just came out last sunday. it was amazing. it seems like the fic has developed it’s own fandom, which is very interesting but not really surprising, considering how thirsty the fandom is and how good the fic is. it was bound to happen. SO, the fic’s fandom has been sort of dying from The Feels™ ever since and trying to cope with the agony by talking about the fic excessively. this is the part you’ve seen. now it’s time for you to see what the fuss is about and join us in our pain.

(since the fic causes such tremendous suffering to anyone who reads it, we now have a umfbamha support group on discord. please join us if you need to. we are here for you.)

a couple of days ago I made a dark chocolate truffle tart (the filling is literally just truffle filling poured into an oreo crust I made by mixing melted butter and oreo crumbs) and it’s so rich that we can only eat little slivers so I brought some to work and gave it to my coworker who has the most extreme sweet tooth i’ve ever seen (this dude is gonna be a doctor and i saw him eat 4 donuts in a row once) and he took one bite of the tart and said “you made this? you MADE this? how do you live? if i could just MAKE this do you know how short a life I would live??”

i am so fond

leave it to me to develop a life-threatening eating disorder and have to go to a rehab center for a month to restore my weight

hello hi i have been gone for some time and honestly, my life has been too much to cram into any sort of summarizing so long story short: I am alive. Barely.

But here’s the news! I am seeing a specialist (like a therapist but better) for my mental situations and eating disorder and part of our work is that I write again. I haven’t written in nearly a year, and thus doing this requires a lot out of me. Anyway, I agreed to it. So here I am, once more, writing.

Here’s the dealio though, since I’m still super rusty and raw from the entire experience of almost dying from malnutrition (way to go, nat) and recovering (slowly, arduously slow) from my eating disorder and traumas and blah blah blahwjdhhdbdcjv anyway I am choosing to re-write one of the stories I poured most of myself into and starting from there.

And thus, since season 2 of AOT will be airing soon and my love for eremika shall be rekindled (hopefully) I am going to re-write Not Over Yet. It’s for my therapy. And because NOY is a story of healing, and that is what I am doing right now.

So hi, I’m back! Expect more from me.


John Laurens x Alexander Hamilton
Words: 2,149

This was going to be my first fic for the Hamwriters Write-a-Thon but i came up with a better idea, meaning i can post this now!

I really enjoyed writing this and I hope you enjoy reading it. 

As well as working on my Write-a-Thon stories, i’m hard at work on requests, school music stuff and a lot of other things! I promise i’m not abandoning my writing duties, but i am busy with a lot of other things at the moment. 

I’m going to post the next chapter of Youtube soon, so look out for that!

but concluding this short post, i’m super excited for you guys to see what i’ve been working on! I love you all xx

keep your requests coming!



A kiss under the fireworks at Disneyland was all John and Alexander could wish for.  Unfortunately, life got in the way.

Five years into their relationship and stuck with two children… well not stuck, exactly. John and Alexander had begged their friend Eliza to be a surrogate for the two children, as they figured it would fill the emptiness of their house. However, Eliza was busy with her engagement to her girlfriend, Maria Reynolds, when they had first asked.

John remembered standing outside of Eliza’s house and getting down on one knee, begging for her help. He remembered tugging on her arm and whining, letting all the words inside his brain loose as he tried to convince her. He never had been good at persuading, or talking in general, that was Alexander’s thing.

After many days of John’s incessant pleading, Eliza finally agreed. Nine months later, the Hamilton-Laurens family was blessed with a little girl: Charlotte.

Her face splattered with freckles, much like John’s, and her eyes were a rich mocha colour. Alexander often pretended that they came from his side of the genes. John often had to remind him that that was impossible, to which Alexander remarked:

“Nothing is impossible John, and I should know. I managed to get with the most beautiful man on the planet.”

John’s cheeks would always redden at that statement.

But as the two men soon realised, raising a child was expensive. Things like school, clothes and recreational activities sucked their bank accounts dry. Their beloved dream of the kiss at Disney postponed itself, along with several other dreams that were pushed out of their heads by the loud crying of their newborn baby.

It was Charlotte’s first day of school that brought the two men back to their previously empty state.

“John, I think I have an idea… you feel the emptiness as well, right?”

“I feel like my only child has left us forever. Today, she starts school. Tomorrow, she’s smoking drugs and dancing for money… oh god what have we done?”

“Woah! Our child will not be participating in drugs, or dancing for small amounts of money. If we raised her correctly, and I’m sure we did-“

“You dropped her as a baby.”

“Then we’ll be absolutely fine. Besides, it was only a second on the floor… plus no one saw it, so that counts for something right?”

John shook his head in amusement, getting back into the car. “No, it does not count for anything. But, I think we’ve gone off track. Can you fill me in on this idea?” He asked, resting his head against the steering wheel, jumping when the horn went off.

Alexander snickered. “And you call me the bad parent,” He muttered, climbing in the car and leaning back in the passenger seat. “Don’t give me an answer yet, just… think about it?”

John nodded, turning to Alexander and taking his hands.

“So I was thinking, maybe now that Charlotte will be at school and I’ll be at work, you might start to feel a little lonely around the house. Maybe we could let someone new join our family?” Alexander suggested.

“We’re finally getting a dog?” John asked excitedly. Alex chuckled, shaking his head.

“No, I meant let’s have another baby,” He replied, squeezing John’s hand. “Can you imagine it? I would bring Charlotte home and you would be sitting in the new baby’s room, feeding him or her while you rub your eyes…”

“I don’t exactly want to go through the whole child thing again Alexander. I lost so much sleep, we lost so much money, and we lost Disney. Do you remember the first time we planned that trip? I had the perfect proposal planned… but suddenly you lost sight of that and you got caught up in this whole children thing. You said that children would fill the holes in our lives, make us happy… but I just feel lost,” John said, letting out a soft sigh at the end. “It’s not that I don’t love Charlotte, it’s just… I have so many other things I want to achieve before I find myself with another child in my arms.”

The smile on Alexander’s face fell. He dropped John’s hands, looking down at his feet. “I understand,” He mumbled, glancing out the window with a longing in his heart.

As the weeks went by, John slowly saw less and less of Alexander. His head would poke out of his office every now and then, demanding food or water. Sometimes, Alexander would stay at work until the early hours of the morning.

John would try his best to try and distract Charlotte from his strange behaviours, but he never had been good with children. His feeble attempts did nothing to take his child’s mind off her missing father.

John had been cooking dinner when the questions began. Charlotte, who was usually playing with her toys most of the time, had made her way to the kitchen and managed to seat herself on one of the stools. “Daddy, where’s Papa?” She asked softly, fiddling with her sleeves as she glanced up at her father.

John thought for a moment. He couldn’t tell her the truth, for he didn’t know that himself. So John decided to use the most realistic lie he could come up with.

“He’s buying you a present to celebrate your second month of school. But you can’t tell him I told you, okay? You have to act surprised when we give it to you.”

A wide smile spread on Charlotte’s face. She seemed to believe the lies that spilled from his lips, that was good enough for John. He knew now he would have to buy her a present, which didn’t help their financial situation greatly, but he would do anything for that girl.

“That’s exciting Daddy! When will he be home?” Charlotte asked, her eyes wide with excitement.

“Soon, princess. I promise he’ll be home soon.”

But soon took its time to arrive. Soon turned into days, and then into weeks. Finally, on the anniversary of Alexander’s disappearance, the door swung open and in walked John’s long lost husband.

John didn’t know what to do when their eyes met. He wanted to embrace Alexander, and he wanted to press their lips together and feel the fiery love they held together. The other half of John wanted to punch him in the jaw and lock him out of the house. But John couldn’t make a decision, and so he stood in the kitchen, frozen.

Alexander gulped, taking off his bag and hanging it on the coat stand. “We need to talk,” He said, taking a seat on the couch closest to the door. He was ready to run again at any given moment.

“I agree. You missed a lot considering that you left for a month,” John said, biting down hard on his lip. He had no idea what to say to the man in front of him. The one thing he knew was, this was not the same person he fell in love with.

John took a seat on the couch opposite to Alexander and fiddled with the hem of his shirt absentmindedly. The two sat in silence for a moment, until Alexander decided to clear his throat.

“John, I’ve been keeping a big secret from you, and I need to let it out. Do you remember the day I asked you about a second child?”

A nod.

“Well, I wasn’t in the right mind that day. I made a terrible decision and I know the outcome of it is going to hurt you and Eliza…”

John raised his eyebrow. What did Eliza have to do with this?

Alexander paused, taking a long and deep breath. “We have another baby on the way… but this one was an accident. I… I had sex with Eliza’s wife.”

In life, we often have moments when the world around us falls apart. For John, this was his moment. He felt tears running down his cheek as he tried to figure out what to say. He never was good with words. That was Alexander’s thing…

But now, as John found himself alone in the world again, he realised he would have to learn.

“I’d like it if you left. Please make sure you take all of your things, and don’t speak to Charlotte. I will explain this to her at a later date. I’m sure you can stay with Gilbert until you’re back on your feet.”

Alexander’s mouth opened for a second, but then it shut again. For the first time in a long time, the man was without words. So in the silence of the situation, he stood and picked up his bag, leaving the house with a slam of the front door.

That was when John realised he was truly alone.

Two years had passed since John and Alexander’s split. John had decided that for Charlotte’s seventh birthday, he would do what him and Alexander had never managed to do. He would take her to Disneyland.

Unfortunately, John would not be able to propose as the fireworks shot into the sky, but he could spend the day with his princess.

If there was one thing John learnt from Alexander, it was that fairytales are make believe. Nothing that comes out of them is true or realistic. Their love was like a fairytale… it was fake, and broken behind the scenes. None of the Disney writers had perfect lives. That’s why Disney movies are filled with so many villains.

As they walked through the gate, a wide smile spread on John’s face. He had finally made it. He could cross something off his bucket list. He squeezed Charlotte’s hand, walking further into the park.

“So what do you want to do first princess?” John asked, looking down at his daughter whose face carried a massive grin.

“The teacups Daddy!” Charlotte exclaimed, smiling her toothless smile. That made John smile too.

The two made their way to the iconic ride, waiting in line for what seemed like forever in the summer’s heat. When they were finally let inside, John frowned slightly as he saw no spare seats. He looked around, smirking when he spotted the final empty cup. He picked Charlotte up, carrying her to it but freezing when he realised another family had the same idea.

A man and his small child climbed into the cup before John could even protest. John sighed, knowing the only thing he could do was join the stranger. He wasn’t very good at socialising… that was Alexander’s…

That was Alexander.

John cautiously stepped forward, clearing his throat. “Uh, hey stranger. Mind if we join you?” He asked softly, putting his hand on the edge of the cup.

Alexander looked up, and for a moment, his eyes filled with fear. He nodded slowly, opening the door of the cup and allowing John and Charlotte to slide in next to them.

The park was filled with cheery music, but the only thing that John could hear was the deafening silence between the two of them. He sighed, deciding to make the first move. “It’s been a while.”

“It has.”

“How have you been?”


Charlotte sighed. “Daddy, be nice to Papa. I miss him. Maybe if you’re nice, he’ll come back,” She huffed, crossing her arms.

Both men softened their gazes, turning to each other. John felt like he had fallen in love all over again. He had promised himself that he would never fall for Alexander again, but once their eyes met, he was helpless.

“I missed you. A lot. The house wasn’t the same without you,” John whispered, placing his hand on top of Alexander’s.

“T-This is John. Well, John Junior. I call him JJ for short,” Alexander mumbled, patting the head of the three year old beside him.

“Why would you name him John?” John asked in confusion.  “I thought I meant nothing to you.”

“Well, you deleted all the pictures of us from social media, so I had nothing to remind me that you were once mine. I named him John so I could remember how horrible I had been to you… so that I could realise that I was the one at fault. But… even though he’s not our child, I wanted to honour you. Because I know for a fact, you’re a better father, and person, than I’ll ever be.”

A few tears managed to make their way out of John’s eyes. He wiped them quickly as a small smile creeped onto his face.

“M-Maybe we could spend the rest of the day with each other? A-As a family?”

“I’d love that.”

Hey friends!!! So I know I’ve been really MIA since recreating my account and so I thought I’d do a little update on what’s been going on in my life the past few months!

-I’m in my final semester of nursing school (eekkkk) and am basically doing exclusively practicum hours in an ICU. I’ve learned so much in a short period of time and I’m really excited to learn even more and practice all the complex skills and critical thinking!

-I have a job in an ICU out is state so shortly after graduation I will be moving to a new state, in a completely new city, and starting my career.

-I’ve come to a really amazing place in terms of self love and I’m honestly so happy. I am in a place right now where I recognize some things I want to change about my body but I still love and accept my body in the stage I’m in now, which is something kinda new for me.

-on a similar note, I’ve noticed a huge improvement in my bingeing and urges to binge. This is probably one of my proudest “accomplishments” (if I can even call it that). I was expecting it to get worse with the stress of working full time in an ICU for school plus the busy work assignments I have and trying to find apartment etc etc. But I have so few emotional binge urges and I’m kinda in shock tbh.

-and lastly I’ve really become so close to so many amazing people in these last few months which is amazing, but I know it’ll just make moving away that much harder

TL;DR: I’ve grown a lot, I love my self, and a lot is going to change very soon!

So since I just got a message and lost followers over reblogging something from a radfem I’m just gunna say I’m not sorry and I love her blog. This blog isn’t about radical feminism but I am a radical feminist and at this point hiding it seems dishonest and I’m not about that life.
Long story short…this whole ermagerddddd don’t reblog radfems shit ain’t gunna work on me. They are my sisters. Ain’t gunna change. Hate mail won’t change it nor will it get attention. So add me to your lists and send me all the anon hate you want but don’t pretend you’re doing it as an activist lmao or even know what activism entails

Shout out to @braticalfeminist for having a blog so good I got yelled at for having the audacity to like it lmfaoooo

Looking back on 2016, I’m very glad that I was dragged into Mystic Messenger hell towards the later part of the year. I was able to somehow stick and develop an art style that I really had fun with. I love splashing colors and details around, and I’m glad it fits so well with the crack comics I’ve always been wanting to do. On another note, people say I also look like my art ((im guessing it’s mostly the meme faces maybe HAHA ♥))

I’m very delighted and honored to be able to make you all happier with my art ^__^ Thank you so much for all your support ♥ I hope you will continue supporting me for the next year as well! Happy New Year, everyone, and stay safe!

Some thoughts under the cut to keep things short ♥

Keep reading

Listen I am so here for platonic “I love you"s. I don’t care if you think "I love you” is some sacred phrase to only utter to one person in your life, i don’t care if you think it makes me look overbearing. I say “I love you” to my friends every time I say goodbye because I want them to know 100% without a doubt that I care for them and love them and am there for them so so much.

The signs as Kafka quotes


“I will not let myself become tired. I’ll jump into my story even though it should cut my face to pieces.”

Taurus :

“Once I enjoy a person, that joy knows no bounds.”


“One has either to take people as they are, or leave them as they are. One cannot change them, one can merely disturb their balance. A human being, after all, is not made up of single pieces, from which a single piece can be taken out and replaced by something else.”


“I usually solve problems by letting them devour me.”


“I am strangely tired, not from having talked so much but at the mere thought of what I still have to say.”


“Time is short, my strength is limited, the office is a horror, the apartment is noisy, and if a pleasant, straightforward life is not possible then one must try to wriggle through by subtle maneuvers.”


“I am a very unhappy human being and you, dearest, simply had to be summoned to create an equilibrium for all this misery.”


“I can never tear myself open wide enough to people to reveal everything and so frighten them away.”


“I cannot rid myself of the feeling that I’m not in the right place.”


“Should I be grateful or should I curse the fact that despite all misfortune I can still feel love, an unearthly love but still for earthly objects.”


“Being alone has a power over me that never fails. My interior dissolves and is ready to release what lies deeper.”


“I do not see the world at all; I invent it.”

  • me, 50% of the time: i should really focus on my german
  • me, the other 50% of the time: i want to learn all the languages!!!1!1!1

I can’t change who I am, not this time
I won’t lie to keep you near me
And in this short life there’s no time to waste on giving up
My love wasn’t enough 

The last dance

( EDIT: sth was missing on Hanzo’s face :P sorry )

I Hope

I hope you realize what you lost
The person that loved you the most
The one that listened to all your problems
The one who would do anything for you
I hope you realize not everyone will put up with your shit
That not everyone will listen to your problems
That not everyone was as patient with you as I was
I hope you learn from your mistakes
That you need to treat people better in order to make them stay
To not push them away
By lying to them
By deceiving them
By ignoring them
I hope in the future this will all hit you
Because I know it hasn’t yet
By the way you lie about me
By the way you deceive those around you
By the way you would do anything
To make me look bad
Because I’m the bad guy
I hope you realize what you lost

- D.B.

What People With BPD Wish Their Friends Understood
  • 1. “Even the slightest sign of rejection destroys my world. Things like not answering texts, not picking up the phone or canceling a date on short notice leaves me devastated, thinking my friend hates me and doesn’t want to be with me anymore. Fears of abandonment are hard to deal with.”
  • 2. “I’m crap at keeping in touch; I don’t mean to be. I love all the people in my life, I just don’t want my illness to affect them. I also carry shame from the times it has, making it hard to face people.”
  • 3. “I wish friends knew how sensitive I truly am. I feel so deeply in every emotion. Bear with me, and don’t walk away. BPD really shows you how many of your friends are true. Stay strong, fellow BPDers.”
  • 4. “I don’t mean to be annoying, but fear of abandonment and rejection makes me feel like I need constant validation.”
  • 5. “I keep absolutely everything to myself to avoid the embarrassment, rejection and the anxiety I go through trying to get out what’s inside.”
  • 6. “I always feel like a burden on my friends. Or like I’m just in the way. I’m scared I annoy everyone around me. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to show my friends how much I love and appreciate them.”
  • 7. “I don’t cope with cancelled plans very well, especially if they’re last minute. I feel as if they have found something better to do and don’t want to see me — even if that’s not the case.”
  • 8. “That person who comes out sometimes isn’t me. I feel like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. I’m stuck in this tiny corner of my mind, watching as I lash out at people, inwardly screaming to stop. Afterwards I’m so ashamed and embarrassed I feel like I don’t deserve to live. The people who stay with me despite Jekyll are my heroes. I couldn’t make it through this without you. I love you all, and thank you for not abandoning me.”
  • 9. “I wish other people could know the pain I feel inside. It feels like I’m internally bleeding the vast majority of the time, and if I don’t feel scarred and raw, I feel numb. Overall, I feel like a wandering, vacant hole who needs constant affirmation that I exist. Sometimes I struggle and wonder if I am real. I feel like a tremendous burden to everyone, especially my boyfriend and therapist. I feel constant shame about the way I behave, and my therapist usually gets the brunt of my “love-hate” cycles. Most of the time I can hide my symptoms from others, but they can spill out. Sometimes I want to disappear. I work in the world of mental health, and frankly, people with BPD are often treated like lepers. I’ve seen ‘difficult’ people labeled as ‘borderline’ if others can’t understand what’s going on. Even my therapist gets frustrated at me at times, and it makes me feel like I’m too much, like I’m damaged goods.”
  • 10. “No matter how great our friendship may be, no matter how much fun we have and laughs we share, if I’m having one of those days it doesn’t matter what you say or do: I just constantly think my friends hate me. I feel like I’m not as good as them. I feel they must not really like me because I don’t like myself, so how could they? No matter what I try, whether it’s trying positive thoughts like: ‘Would they be with me if they didn’t like me?’– it doesn’t matter. I will always feel I’m not good enough for anyone — friends or family.”
  • 11. “People with BPD have tremendous compassion and empathy. We can feel with people in a way others often can’t. We have a lot of strengths even though we feel fragile.”
  • 12. “If I had any friends, I’d ask them to understand my extreme emotional sensitivity. I’m sorry I can’t watch ‘Game of Thrones’ or ‘Walking Dead.’ The violence stays with me. I can actually feel the fear, the sadness, the horror the victim experiences.”
  • 13. “When I have an upswing, I forget myself and just go on impulse. Sometimes that means endless reposts on Facebook, to the annoyance of some. But it’s just my way of working things out in a less dangerous way than I could be.”
  • 14. “I put on a very hard confident shell every day, but it’s not real. Not in the slightest.”
  • 15. “When I flake out on plans all the time, it’s not that I don’t want to spend time with you, it’s that I’m afraid if I spend too much time with you, you will discover I’m as horrible as I think I am.”
  • 16. “My emotions are extreme, and I can’t control how I feel. I feel things so over the top, and it’s hard to come back to baseline. The abandonment feeling happens if it’s just an acquaintance, never mind if it’s someone I’m close too. And yes. I cry in response to my feelings. And no, I’m not acting childish. It’s just how I’m wired.”
  • 17. “It’s not the easiest thing to explain. And when I finally do find the words to explain it, their first reaction is self-diagnosing themselves with it or saying everyone has that.”
  • 18. “I don’t even understand BPD myself, so be patient with me.”
  • 19. “I don’t seek attention. And every single day I get up and force myself to keep going and function is a huge accomplishment.”
  • 20. “I am not a lost cause.”
  • 21. “It’s incredibly lonely to have a disorder that affects how you handle interpersonal relationships. We wear loneliness like a cloak, weighted down with insecurity and doubt. We love our friends and families. Even when we pull away, even when our emotions are out of control, even when fear keeps us from demonstrating or saying the words, we still love you. We are not perfect. No one is. But we are worthy of your trust and your love.”


Thanks to everyone for the many notes of the previous post, I did not expect so many people to like my story. 515 notes for me is a lot in just a week, seriously many thanks to all.

Although the previous one was a bit short and was not done with as much effort as the next one I come to show them I hope I can reach the 1,000 notes!

Thanks also for my first 100 followers, I had never had so many in my life. ;;;

And then, there is not much to add at what I am saying, just thank you all.

By the way.

I’ll keep doing MCXV stuff. Or how would you like it? V deserves to be happy too.

I will also create a “Custom MC” would you like to see it with V? Or do I continue with the one I am currently using?


It took me 2 weeks to finish it, I was a bit busy with school, and almost didn’t have time to progress.

I was yesterday and today from day at night finishing this, I also I’ve not slept, and I forgot my homework, hahaha. TT w TT

Please enjoy it very much.


Oh look, it’s the reason I didn’t have a social life in the past few months.
*cough* I mean this is the first animated short film Sarah, Maya and I worked on, I’d love to hear what you think! :D
Quite proud how it turned out, if I am being honest.