remember the night you walked away from me? i looked at you with so much anger but so much love at the same time. i hated you, but i was in love with you. i would have done anything for you to stay but instead i just looked at you until you left.
since that night i’ve lost control of myself and everything around me. taking baths were peaceful; calm. but now i want to force myself under and stay there because really, that’s the only time it’s quiet. medicine was something you took when you were sick, or when you had physical pain. now it’s the only thing keeping me together every night when it’s dark & i’m alone. look what you’ve done to me.. i was such a happy girl. i appreciated the sun and the way it shined. i appreciated the way the sky could be blue on one side, but dark & gray on the other. i appreciated that an ugly sky that dropped rain could create a path of so many colors. i had a love for the stars and the way they made the moon look so big. i loved everything and i felt a deep happiness growing out of me, mistakingly feeling as if it could reflect off of you. i miss you; i miss you everyday. i couldn’t bear your absence, but now i can stand pain, and i welcome it in all forms.
I think the hardest part about falling in love is that you no longer have control over your own emotions. one word, one look could change your entire day, whether it be good or bad. someone has the ability to get inside your head, learn everything about you but it’s never guaranteed that they’re going to stick around. but i think the worst part is that you don’t even have control over falling in love. it just happens, even if you don’t want it to. it’ll either break your heart or make you feel alive, but the most awful truth of it all is that we all die at some point, with or without them.
me on the inside:
i constantly think about dying and how much id rather be dead than stay alive for another year filled with pain and instability. life is pointless and my existence is meaningless so i might as well just do it?!
the signs as questionable lessons i learned rewatching “teen titans”
“Don’t judge a book by its cover. Or by its content, either. In fact, you should just never judge books, period, because if you read any of them, ever, you’re probably being manipulated by an evil dragon-wizard.” (“Spellbound” — season 3, ep 6.)
“If you ever get separated from your friends in an unfamiliar environment, don’t go looking for them because it will probably get you killed. Instead, stay where you are and get the royal treatment from small creatures who worship you for simply existing.” (“Stranded” — season 4, ep 8.)
“Life lessons are totally pointless. Let’s just go get pizza?” (“Episode 297-494, OR: Don’t Touch That Dial” — season 4, ep 1.)
“Always pay attention to your friends, or else they will be kidnapped by aliens and turned into pets.” (“Every Dog Has His Day” — season 2, ep 2.)
“When facing insurmountable odds, the best plans are hope and the power of friendship. But if you can’t make those work on your own, then magic, explosives, and giant axes are fine.” (“The End, pt. 3” — season 4, ep 13.)
“You should always do research into what foods are good and bad for your pets, or they will grow to enormous size and be turned into adorable murder-beasts by supervillains.” (“Can I Keep Him?”— season 3, ep 10.)
“When you’re scared, don’t repress your feelings or else you will make horrific eldritch monsters manifest themselves and try to kill your friends.” (“Fear Itself”— season 2, ep 5.)
“Taking a new person in your life to prom and holding your city hostage with giant bugs of doom will probably get you punched in the face. But it will also make your datemate feel sorry that they dumped you, so it’s probably worth it.” (“Date With Destiny” — season 2, ep 6.)
“All you need to succeed in life is friendship, enthusiasm, and occasionally weaponized flying squirrels.” (“Revolution” — season 3, ep 7.)
“Digital piracy is evil and implicating your friends in it will make them hallucinate, attempt to eat stop signs and destroy all computers in a 100-mile radius, and think you are a talking pineapple.” (“Crash” — season 3, ep 4.)
“If your boss has trouble learning your name and doesn’t answer all of your questions, all the time, it’s probably because they’re actually sentient super-powered tofu from outer space.” (“Employee Of The Month” — season 4, ep 5.)
“If your older sibling ever gives you presents and starts being nice to your friends, it’s probably because they’re trying to ruin your life. Also, they’re probably an intergalactic criminal now, or something.” (“Sisters” — season 1, ep 2.)