life has ups and downs

Just a little rant.

I’d like to think that I’m a very strong individual. Growing up, I’ve had it pretty easy. I’ve dealt with daily shit that happens to regular people. Losing friends has never been a big issue because I lose friendships so often. Break ups happen. I just experienced a bad break-up that happened about 7-8 months ago. I was so upset by it and thought that I’d never feel the same way about someone again. I thought that I would never be friends with my ex but after time, the animosity just fades. My life has its ups and downs just like everyone else but the most absolute hands down worst thing that I’ve had to endure in my entire life was losing my father. My dad took care of me when I was little while my mom was at work. He took me everywhere. To my Girl Scout meetings, to aikido, to dance class, to piano lessons, to softball and stayed and waited for me. As I grew up, I started to have my own life and stopped spending a lot of time with him. My dad suffered from a bad alcoholism problem for as long as I can remember. My parents would constantly fight and fight because he would drink so much to the point where he would become abusive. I can recall so many times where my mom literally packed all of our stuff and would threaten to leave and take me away with her. No matter what type of condition my dad went through, I loved him unconditionally. As I started my freshman year in high school, my dad became very sick. I don’t know if it was because the alcohol was finally catching up to him or something else but he was in and out of convalescent homes frequently. Because I have a terrible fear of convalescent homes AND hospitals, I never visited him. I remember the very last time that he came home and was being taken care of by a nurse. He wanted me to just sit with him and talk to him but I was so caught up with my own life that I didn’t stop to realize that it was one of his days. Deep down, I think he knew that but didn’t want to say anything to worry my mother and I. I remember driving him to the hospital in Sacramento at 1 in the morning because he was so loopy. He was unconscious. We stayed there over night. I slept in the mini van while I waited for my only cousin on my dad’s side and my uncle to get there from Salinas. The nurse sat my mom down and told her that my dad’s blood levels and everything was very low and that no matter what they did, he will always be in the same state that he’s in. He’ll never get better. My mother and I had the choice to choose whether the doctors would start a morphine drip that would gradually slow his heart rate down or to just keep trying. We decided that it was time for him to go. I hated to see him suffer. Not being able to enjoy the life that he wanted. The next day, all of my cousins were with me and we went down to the cafeteria to get some food. When we got up, my dad’s heart rate was so slow and we literally watched him take his last breath. The way my mom was screaming sounded like somebody was getting murdered. The sound still haunts me to this day.

Having to restart a life without my father was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do in my life. I felt like I had to grow up so much during that period of time because my mom was physically and emotionally ill because of it. We lived with my aunt for about 6-7 months until I was finally able to get my mom back onto a better emotional level. I remember when we first moved back home. We laid in my dad’s bed and my mom and I cried while we held each other. I told her that I was going to take care of her. It was one of the strongest bonds that I’ve ever felt with my mom. I had to be strong for the both of us and I feel like that experience has made me into the person that I am today. I am strong because I have survived one of the hardest moments that a person must endure in life.

I love you so much dad and I’m so sorry that I wasn’t there for you as much as I should have been. I’ll make you proud of me.

stop saying things like “everything is going to be ok” to me, i really fucking hate it. I KNOW things get better, i know life has its up and down, i am sad not dumb. I also know one thing you don’t, that I won’t happy even if things are bright. That’s why i’m depressed, it’s not that good things never happened to me, it is because it did, and i am still sad.

you: goes out with your friends, has a wild time, makes some memories that will last you the rest of your life, has ups, has downs, lives life to its fullest, knows both love and loss, sorrow and joy

me: crouches in the corner, its pretty good, people can only approach me from one direction

I’m just completely numb to bad writing at this point, I don’t give a shit. Everyone single dead character could come back to life for no reason and go live in Wonderland for all I care.

I’m tired of being disappointed by bad character development and shoddy narrative choices. I just want to have this luxury of being happy about a cute update.

So it’s time for me to sit back, stop fretting over the questionable writing, and just fucking enjoy a cute as heck update feat. a bunch of dumb kids loving and caring for one another and having a dope as hell time on a flying rock.

5

DIARY COMICS

By Dustin Harbin

Published by Koyama Press

Comic and tragicomic, heartfelt and heartbreaking; these are the panels that make up a life.

Since 2010, Dustin Harbin has been sporadically documenting the ups and downs and sideways of his life in comic form. From their humble beginnings as a sketchbook exercise documenting the quotidian, oftentimes with hilarious results, Harbin’s Diary Comics have grown into quirky existential examinations of life and living.

DUSTIN HARBIN is a cartoonist and illustrator who lives and works in North Carolina. He’s best known for his autobiographical comics, as well as many, many illustrations of people and animals, often mixed and matched.

PRAISE FOR DIARY COMICS

“Dustin’s willingness to push himself in these comics makes them special, opening his mind and life to the audience he’s meant to connect to, taking what is at times the character of himself and revealing the man. That’s always the best part of autobio comics, an ability to confront something true.” — Kate Beaton, author of Hark! A Vagrant

ISBN: 978-1-927668-17-7
$15.00
5 x 6 ½, 236 pages, b&w, trade paper
May 2015

» How to buy Diary Comics

I forgot what it was like to be genuinely happy. And as soon as I finally felt a sense of ease and happiness life decides to push me down. Getting back up has got to be the hardest thing especially when you’re striving to get up from everything trying to pull you down. I don’t want to feel like this anymore. I just want to be happy. Genuinely happy. No more pretending. No more tears or stress. Wash it all away. Today is a new day.

For those who wandered...

I’m still around! Life sped up and as a result my writing has slowed down. I’ll be posting again soon.

Thanks for reading in the meantime!

anonymous asked:

I've been lurking around here for a while, and I'm incredibly happy for you that you found someone who makes you feel happy and loved. So tell us, how's life? And what are you excited for in the future?

Thank you! I’m so happy that I’ve found gryphonbutts too, I’ve been lonely for so long and it feels good to finally feel like I’m loved and have someone to give all my love to in return ❤️

Life has been kinda up and down recently, had a really rough night last night with thoughts of my past haunting me, but Vayro helped out until I fell asleep. Work is driving me up a wall, I work for my dad (who doesn’t know I’m trans) and all of my coworkers are closed minded so I have to deal with pretending to be a girl at work >~>

But things are looking up, Vayro is coming out this weekend and I’m super excited, I moved out of my dad’s house into an apartment with some good friends, and I know everything will turn out okay in the end.

i chose not to record my “starting weight” before i started exercising again. in a few weeks i’ll step on, and then off again for a few more weeks. i don’t need to get discouraged every week if i only lose so little or none at all. i hope to get to my goal weight but if it takes longer than expected, so be it. life is life and it has its ups and downs and if i get sad and eat some ice cream, i’m not going to cry about it every monday because i didn’t lose that extra pound because i indulged. i don’t know. i’m trying to give myself a little more credit and love now that my main support system is gone.

This One Is For You (yes, YOU)

When life gives you hell,
Raise it.
When your world starts to crumble,
Dance on its debris.
And when your heart breaks,
Stock up on gorilla glue.
Because although this life has its ups and downs,
I’ll always be on this ride next to you

Happy Thoughts!

After being in a steady phase of not being overly excited about too many things (blaming it on the long dark and cold winter) I have turned 180 degrees and am now re-obsessed with all my old favorites and loves as well as having added about 99 new obsessions that I’m constantly reading and researching. 

Reasons to love life. 

Everything in life has its ups and downs but remember what you love and it will reward you!

{end vague post about being happy and enjoying all the little things in life with all your heart}

anonymous asked:

What do you think of Courtney? Maybe a lot of people have already asked it to you, so sorry for it! PS. I love your blog, thanks for all the amazing Frances' photos! And sorry also for my bed English!!

I think life has been really really hard for her, she had many ups and downs, but she is an incredibly strong woman and Im really happy her relationship with Frances is good now.

Thank you!! Im glad you like the blog :D