Just a little rant.
I’d like to think that I’m a very strong individual. Growing up, I’ve had it pretty easy. I’ve dealt with daily shit that happens to regular people. Losing friends has never been a big issue because I lose friendships so often. Break ups happen. I just experienced a bad break-up that happened about 7-8 months ago. I was so upset by it and thought that I’d never feel the same way about someone again. I thought that I would never be friends with my ex but after time, the animosity just fades. My life has its ups and downs just like everyone else but the most absolute hands down worst thing that I’ve had to endure in my entire life was losing my father. My dad took care of me when I was little while my mom was at work. He took me everywhere. To my Girl Scout meetings, to aikido, to dance class, to piano lessons, to softball and stayed and waited for me. As I grew up, I started to have my own life and stopped spending a lot of time with him. My dad suffered from a bad alcoholism problem for as long as I can remember. My parents would constantly fight and fight because he would drink so much to the point where he would become abusive. I can recall so many times where my mom literally packed all of our stuff and would threaten to leave and take me away with her. No matter what type of condition my dad went through, I loved him unconditionally. As I started my freshman year in high school, my dad became very sick. I don’t know if it was because the alcohol was finally catching up to him or something else but he was in and out of convalescent homes frequently. Because I have a terrible fear of convalescent homes AND hospitals, I never visited him. I remember the very last time that he came home and was being taken care of by a nurse. He wanted me to just sit with him and talk to him but I was so caught up with my own life that I didn’t stop to realize that it was one of his days. Deep down, I think he knew that but didn’t want to say anything to worry my mother and I. I remember driving him to the hospital in Sacramento at 1 in the morning because he was so loopy. He was unconscious. We stayed there over night. I slept in the mini van while I waited for my only cousin on my dad’s side and my uncle to get there from Salinas. The nurse sat my mom down and told her that my dad’s blood levels and everything was very low and that no matter what they did, he will always be in the same state that he’s in. He’ll never get better. My mother and I had the choice to choose whether the doctors would start a morphine drip that would gradually slow his heart rate down or to just keep trying. We decided that it was time for him to go. I hated to see him suffer. Not being able to enjoy the life that he wanted. The next day, all of my cousins were with me and we went down to the cafeteria to get some food. When we got up, my dad’s heart rate was so slow and we literally watched him take his last breath. The way my mom was screaming sounded like somebody was getting murdered. The sound still haunts me to this day.
Having to restart a life without my father was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do in my life. I felt like I had to grow up so much during that period of time because my mom was physically and emotionally ill because of it. We lived with my aunt for about 6-7 months until I was finally able to get my mom back onto a better emotional level. I remember when we first moved back home. We laid in my dad’s bed and my mom and I cried while we held each other. I told her that I was going to take care of her. It was one of the strongest bonds that I’ve ever felt with my mom. I had to be strong for the both of us and I feel like that experience has made me into the person that I am today. I am strong because I have survived one of the hardest moments that a person must endure in life.
I love you so much dad and I’m so sorry that I wasn’t there for you as much as I should have been. I’ll make you proud of me.