So we’re ready to take up residence in our new liveaboard boat. Her name is Grace (though we’re calling her Morgan Grace), and she’s a 28’ Morgan ‘Out Island’ sailboat. Her previous owners took good care of her, and we feel particularly blessed to be able to so easily step aboard a comfortable (and snug) boat when we’ve only been in town for four days.
We’re sad to say goodbye to our Couchsurfing hosts! We leave behind a love note with our contact information and an invite out to our boat anytime. Frances will miss their dogs - she had Three dog-friends to play with during our few days in their happy home.
We stopped by the excellent Rendezvous Thrift Store to pick up some bedding. This place rocks. We found pillows, comforters, sheets, towels - all in good (if not great) shape and at unbeatable prices. We chose mostly sage greens for our linens, and I picked out an excessively cheerful pink-and-green-flowered comforter.
Here’s us in our new home! Notice the beautiful bright light streaming in (despite the rain) and the spacious interior. We celebrate our first night aboard with a long-desired treat - an entire box of Oreos and some organic milk. Frances seems pretty happy, too.
More photos to come! We haven’t yet figured out how to get solid internet here in the harbor, and are busy getting all our things stowed and the boat cleaned up. So bear with us, and stay tuned for the adventures to come. -6/2/17
Summary: Dean x Reader: Dean finds comfort in the reader’s arms after a hard day.
Word Count: 1962
Triggers: Not really, a bit of fluffy angst, or flangst if you will.
Y/N = Your name
Note: I’m actually pretty proud of this one so I hope you like it! Please let me know what you think!!
Dean was tired, not only
physically, but mentally. You could see it easily in those green eyes whose
light was a little duller than normal. Somehow you could always tell which days
it was harder for the hunter to keep up appearances. He called it your special
little gift, you just called it love.
like that one you knew he needed to just be held, be loved, feel safe. Out
there, in the real world, he had to stay the soldier, the hunter, the big
brother. But in the room he shared with you, he was just a broken man. And he
needed your help to pick up the pieces.
exhausted, and so you’d made up some lame excuse to return to your room earlier
than normal to Sammy and pulled Dean along. Seeing the signs of exhaustion
easily on his face the minute you shut the bedroom door behind him. His smile
falling away and the armour he’d so carefully crafted through jokes and
physical strength crashing to the floor the minute you were alone.
the bed you sat up with your back against the wall and stretched your arms out.
An open invitation for him to hide in your embrace and just let go of all his
worries for the night. No words were spoken as he climbed onto the bed and into
your arms. Staying low, he buried his head in the crook of your neck, arms
around your waist as if you were the life raft keeping him afloat in stormy
robert sugden is struggling, and not a single person has noticed.
or, aaron gets out of prison and wants to know why none of his family was looking out for his husband.
Robert Sugden was good at putting on a brave face. It was one of his greatest talents, really, being able to hide his true feelings underneath a layer of snark and disinterest, and he’d spent ten years using it to his advantage, away from Emmerdale, away from his family.
People only saw what he wanted them to see. That was how he’d always gotten by, people had never really seen the real him, the true feelings he hid under a soulless smile and an expensive haircut.
Aaron saw through him. Aaron had always seen right through his bullshit, been able to read his moods and thoughts and feelings in a way that had scared Robert, once, but made him feel safe, and loved, and appreciated now.
But Aaron wasn’t there.
Aaron was banged up, and he’d be there for the next year of their lives (not if Robert had any say in the matter, but judging by the sympathetic looks from Aaron’s solicitor at their last meeting, he didn’t have a say) and Robert was the one who’d been left to run things, keep everyone going.
It was fine.
Of course it was fine, it’s not like he was the one in prison or anything. Robert just had a few more people than he was used to relying on him, Liv needing a brother right now, the Dingles always needing him for something or other, because he was one of them now, and Aaron wasn’t there to help.
But it was fine.
It had to be fine, because Robert didn’t exactly have a choice in the matter. He had to keep their lives going, the scrapyard ticking over, keep the work on the Mill going so that Aaron had a life to come back to.
Robert wasn’t going to have his husband come back to a wreckage of a life, a life Robert couldn’t keep afloat on his own.
No, that would make him weak.
Robert Sugden was not a weak man, not when his husband needed him to be the strong one.
So Robert dug out his brave face again, and he got on with it.
Hey, I'm the same anon who requested the pregnancy headcannons. I recently found out that I have a miscarriage, and my husband hasn't been here for me. Do you think you could do headcannons related to this? I really need the boys' support right now.
Hey there, I’m so sorry to hear about your loss and I can’t
understand what you are going through but I can at least write this.
Unfortunately I don’t know much about the subject but I did some reading. If
you need to talk I can at least listen (well read) because everyone deserves
someone to talk to during such sadness. This article and comments were very
touching and these other people have shared their own stories, if you would like to read. xxx
Let me know if you want this taken down. I can just send it
to you privately. I really do hope that you can find your happiness again, I hope my writing
conveys that too (even if it’s not the best).
When you found out in the doctor’s office you didn’t
understand what you were being told
Each word you knew but put together in that sentence it was
“I’m so sorry…” the nurse apologized again.
You felt sick and you wanted to go home immediately.
When you arrived home you didn’t remember getting into the
car, starting it, or the drive it took to get here.
What had you been thinking about? It was all a blank.
Taking the phone out of your pocket you stared at the
screen. You had to call him.
“No!” you threw the phone suddenly.
Oh god, oh god… you would have to tell him.
Your hands grabbed at your hair.
He had wanted this so badly, maybe more than you.
You start to doubt it all and the tears started to roll down
your face. Was that why-
“Sweetheart? Are you home?”
No, no, no, no, you chanted. You weren’t ready but your legs
You wanted to hide, to run away.
He came around the corner and saw you. His sunny expression
faded as he saw the anguish on your face.
He raced across the living room to you. “What’s wrong?”
The tears came faster and your throat closed up making it
hard to breathe.
So he hugged you to him in an attempt to calm you down.
“Tell me what’s wrong…” he rubbed your back.
“It’s ok, I’m here. You can tell me,” he persisted.
You tried to push away put he held you firmly to him. “Let
“No. Please, just take some deep breaths.”
“D-Did…” you could
hear him swallow, “did something happen at the doctor appointment.”
“I’m sorry! I’m so sorry, argh!” You snapped. “It’s my, my,
fault!” You balled up his shirt in your hands. “I-I didn’t want, ah, this,
He hugged you tighter and you could feel your shoulder
becoming wet with tears.
“It’s not your fault,” he spoke. “Please, sweetheart, it’s
not I promise.”
Why, why was he so kind? Yell at me! You wanted to scream.
You wouldn’t be able to take his hatred down the road if he
didn’t start now.
“I’m sorry, I should have…there was more I could have done.”
You clung to him. “Stop it… There’s something wrong with me,
“I don’t believe you.”
“It’s true! I wasn’t excited enough! I skipped taking those
vitamins and I didn’t eat as healthy as I could have. I don’t deserve to have a
child and that’s why-“
“Listen to me!” he tugged you away from him to look you in
the eye. “Hate me! Blame it on me! If you hate yourself like this…I don’t want
you to feel so alone that you…”
His voice hitched. “That you…”
It hit you all at once what he meant. He was so afraid that
you would end your life from grief.
“Don’t leave me,” you hear him whisper. “Please…I can’t…I’ll
do better… If you live only to hate me I can take it, I swear.”
The same words that you wanted to say. “No Yoosung, I’m not
going anywhere, ok? So don’t leave me either.”
You stayed there, sticking to each other, going through the
first waves of grief together.
When you found out you cried and cried for what felt like
No more tears would come out and your eyes stung and felt
You came home to Zen and knew you had to tell him right
away, he deserved to know as much as you did
You sat next to him on the couch and couldn’t look him in
This one time there was no “babe” or jokes from him.
“I…” you took a deep breath. “I lost the baby.”
It came crashing down again as the words left your mouth
Dry sobbing ensued as you hugged yourself.
You felt a hand on your shoulder but jerked away without
knowing why and that made you cry harder
Knowing that Zen probably had that hurt expression on his
face, the pain he must be feeling
He had been bragging about how, “good looking our son will
But something deep within you didn’t want to be touched
For some days you avoided him. He would try his best to make
conversation and brought you flowers
All you could do was gaze out a window or in some random
space in the house and sort of nod
The gap between you only seemed to grow
You couldn’t even bare to lay next to him in bed some nights.
It was either from fear of contact or the dreams
Tonight it was the dreams as your eyes flew open and you
gasped for air.
They weren’t nightmares. You dreamed of holding a baby, your
baby, and walking around the house singing to him.
Slowly you peeled the covers off and swung your legs to hang
off the bed. You would go sit outside for a while where you could cry without
waking Zen and then fall asleep like you usually did.
A hand wrapped around your wrist and you froze
Looking back Zen was laying on his side with his back to you
but still holding on to your wrist.
“I didn’t mean to wake you up.”
There was silence until he finally took a deep breath to
“Was it another nightmare?”
Ah, so he had known about them. You have avoided saying
“Is there anything I can do?”
Some part of you still wanted to curl up next to him and
have him hold you but the damage felt like it was done. You didn’t know how to
fix it. How to close the gap.
“This…” his voice was hoarse. “This is the first time I’ve
been able to touch you without you flinching…”
You closed your eyes tight and tried to breathe normally.
“I…” his voice became more strained. “I don’t want to hurt
you anymore. I thought that if I gave you space and tried to act normal things
would get better but…they’ve only gotten worse.”
You knew this already. You knew but the pain felt fresh.
“I want to stay, I want to be with you but…”
Your breath hitched. But? Was this it? Had you two been
driven apart past repair?
“If you hate me, I understand. If you tell me to leave, no
matter how much I love you, I’ll do it.”
Your hiccupping was impossible to quiet in a room full of
silence. Is that what you wanted? To be completely alone?
“Just…” you could hear him crying, “tell me what to do.”
How could you do that when you didn’t even know what to do
or how to act?
His hand loosened and as it started to retract you panicked
and grabbed his wrist.
The words didn’t come out immediately but you held on like
it was the only life saver keeping you afloat at sea.
“I-I don’t know,” you whispered. “I don’t know how to act, I
don’t ever feel normal. I don’t know why I flinch. But, I don’t hate you. I
thought you hated me. I don’t want you to leave because…I still love you so
He didn’t jump out of bed to hug you or drag you against his
chest and you were relieved because you were afraid of hurting him again.
Instead you felt his hand move to hold yours. You turned
around and could see him staring at you. Had his eyes always been that bright
or was it tears making them so reflective.
For the first time you were able to look your husband in the
face and just that seemed to make him smile.
“Thank you,” he whispered.
Jumin had joined you to your doctor’s appointment like he insisted
on every time.
Afterwards he would take you to lunch and try to insist on
going somewhere more expensive
The nurse called you back and you laid down for the checkup.
In the middle of the exam the nurse stopped, “Excuse me for
a moment,” and left.
You look at Jumin in confusion but shrugged it off.
She came back a moment later with a doctor in tow who
greeted them and continued the checkup.
Finnaly he stopped and you could feel something was off.
“How’s the baby?” you ask.
“I’m sorry Mrs. Han. There’s no heartbeat. I’m sorry for
your loss. This happens sometimes…”
The doctor kept speaking but you tuned it out. The life
inside of you…was no longer growing?
You could hear Jumin’s voice, he was…asking for another test
to be run. A second opinion? Should you rely on that hope?
Jumin asked about the rest of your health and the doctor
said you were healthy.
You were at another doctor’s office in an hour where you
received the same news and with no hope left you cried.
You cried leaving the doctors, the drive home, when you got
home. All the while Jumin held you without saying a word.
Not a word that day and hardly a word about it afterwards.
You tried to get things back to normal but he seemed so resigned even though he
was always there.
If you started crying he was there to hold you, if you
needed something it was on its way, but he felt so cold.
You tried to get him to talk to you but he only asked about
how you felt.
Your sadness turned bitter. Didn’t he feel a thing? The baby
was part of you both.
I package was delivered one day and when you opened it,
there were some set of baby clothes and maternity clothes you had ordered.
You smiled fondly at the cute patterns of little ducks and
Jumin walked in and stopped just for a moment to look at
what you were holding before continuing on to the kitchen.
“I can’t believe someone thought of putting elastic in front
of shorts to make “pregnancy shorts”,” you commented.
“It’s a large market these days.”
You frowned at his response and set the clothes down back in
the box. You picked it up and brought it to the nursery.
You often went inside at sat in the rocking chair just
wondering about the “if’s”.
When you opened the door you froze in the door. Walking back
to the kitchen you set the box down with a thud.
“Jumin, where’s all the nursery stuff?”
“I had it returned,” he responded monotone.
“I had the items returned. I didn’t want it to be painful
for you to walk in there.”
“Painful for me? It’s going to be painful no matter! Am I
the only one feeling the pain?” you shouted.
He narrowed his eyes and for the first time you saw some
sort hurt there.
“You think I’m not in pain?” he asked incredulously.
“All you do is ask me about my feelings. Not once have you
expressed your own!”
“I’m trying to protect you-“
You threw maternity clothes at him. The pair of shorts hit
him in the chest and h caught the other pieces of clothing one by one.
“Oh please! Don’t even!” you yelled. “Did you care? Just
tell me whether you actually felt anything at all-“
“Yes God damn it!” he roared and threw the clothes on the
ground. His fists clenched at his sides he spoke, “I felt so many things but I
couldn’t for the life of me understand on any level how you felt. I read and I
researched but I couldn’t comprehend.”
His hand covered his face. “The person I loved so much in so
much pain and I can’t do anything to fix it. I’ve never felt so useless.”
The tears streaked down your face as you closed the distance
to wrap your arms around him.
“I didn’t need your
complete understanding you idiot. I just needed to know that I wasn’t alone. I
needed your emotional support not just to be taken care of like a pet.”
“You…felt alone?” he asked.
“I was the only one talking about how I felt or what had
happened. It felt like I was the only person who acknowledged the baby ever
He wrapped his arms around you.
“I don’t want to just forget Jumin, even if it’s painful, I
don’t want to act like this baby never existed.”
“Me neither,” he kissed your hair. “I’m sorry. I don’t know
if I can express it as easily as you but I’ll try.”
You nodded. “I love you. I’m sorry for saying what I did. I
know you care.”
“I love you more than I’ll ever be able to express,” he
kissed you on the forehead.
A fluffy white body brushed against both your legs. “Meow!
You bent down to grab her. “We love you too Elizabeth.” You
kissed her on the forehead as Jumin petted her.
“Mimi…stop it…” you whined as a paw pushed against your
You groaned at how persistent she was being with you
When you opened your eyes to see two green feline eyes
staring down at you it was too late to fall back asleep.
“What is it?” you asked moving your legs.
Something wet brushed your skin.
“Did you throw up?” you asked in disgust.
Moving the sheets away it was hard to see so you moved off
the bed. Turning on the bedside light you could immediately see red. It took
only moments for you to piece it together and the dread washed over you as you
could see the blood on your thighs.
You shook Saeyoung. “Saeyoung!”
He shot up and grabbed you by the shoulders and when you
told him you were bleeding his eyes had never looked so scared.
You two jumped into a car and the entire way to the hospital
you could hear him repeatedly pleading.
“Please God, please be ok. Don’t do this…”
After they ran the tests you awaited for the results with Saeyoung
at your side holding your hand.
The nurse entered and somehow you knew, the words hadn’t
left her mouth but you knew the results.
The pain and anguish still came as you tried to understand
what had happened. Saeyoung stood there and said, “No. Run it again.”
“Sir-“ the nurse tried to speak.
“Run. It. Again.” He repeated.
He sat down once the nurse had left but never let go of your
hand. No words were exchanged and when a different nurse came back sometime
later, she started with an apology.
There was no hope left. They told you that they would need
to keep you the rest of the night to make sure you were ok.
Hours passed but neither of you slept nor spoke. Your tears
had been flooding over and had since dried out.
At some point you couldn’t take it. “Sae-“
“Are you hungry? He asked and stood up. “I’ll go see if they
Without looking at you he walked out of the room.
Alone, you closed your eyes and not knowing how much time
had passed you fell asleep from exhaustion.
You couldn’t hear it or see him but once he walked out of
the room with that awful excuse he was in tears.
His anger was out of control.
How could this happen? Was he truly cursed to hurt everyone
he loved so much?
“Damn it!” He kicked a waiting room chaired and it make a
crack as it fell over. His fist hit the wall and the pain in his hand was
nothing compared to seeing he look on your face.
When that nurse had come in, the light in your eyes had left
like you had lost all hope. You had been so happy, joking about twins or what
if you guys painted the room with cats.
He could so clearly see your smile in his head but now you
were in a hospital bed wearing a tear soaked hospital gown.
His back hit the wall and he slid down the wall to rest his
arms on his knees.
He bargained with whoever, that if by some miracle this
child could be alive that he would gladly die. But he seems he was destined to
live through this heart break and in the worst punishment yet; watch his wife
You were woken up to the morning sun and Saeyoung was still
gone. You sat up and heard his voice outside the hallway.
He poked his head in and excused himself from whoever he was
He walked in and gave a small smile, “Good morning.”
You tried to smile back. “Morning.”
“I got all the paperwork done so we can head home if you
You nodded. “Yes please.”
The idea was more appealing than you realized. When you both
arrived you were greeted by a black short haired cat. She stretched her front
legs up to rest against your leg, signaling to be picked up.
You did as beckoned carrying her to the bedroom.
The bed was maid and as you pulled back the blankets and
sheets there was no sign of last night besides the ugly hospital bracelet on
It looked like Saeyoung had order someone to buy and deliver
a new mattress.
“Meow.” Mimi rubbed against your neck and you petted her
The tears started to form. “Mimi…I’m sorry we left you
The cat purred and continued to let you hold her for a
record amount of time.
“We love you…” you whisper. “We love you and we’re sorry…”
The last one wasn’t for the cat, you knew it was for the
unborn child you would never get to see.
You laid down and the cat came back to curl against you. You
stroked her until you fell asleep.
When you awoke later Mimi was gone but I different pair of
yellow eyes watched you.
You cuddled closer to your husband sleepily.
After a few moments you could hear him talking to you while
stroking your hair.
“I’m sorry…you don’t deserve to go through this…”
“Neither do you…”
He jumped and his hand stopped. “I thought you were
“I’ll let you sleep,” he said moving away.
You grabbed his arm. “Don’t do this.”
“What you did last time. Don’t hold me at arm’s length to
“This isn’t like last time…”
“Right now, you’re blaming yourself. You’re hating yourself.
“This was unpredictable so neither of us is to blame,” is what I keep telling
myself.” You took a deep breath. “Even so, I hate myself and keep trying to
figure out if I did something wrong.”
He hugged you tight. “You didn’t. It’s all me. Whenever I
have something pure and happy I ruin it. I don’t deserve you, I don’t deserve
to have my own family. If I had just restrained myself…you could be with
“Stop it!” You grab the front of his shirt. “Stop right now!
You deserve as much happiness as anyone else and you make me happy. I’m not
made of glass, even though I feel unimaginable sadness, I don’t need you to
The tears were back and stung your eyes. “I’ll never forgive
you if you leave me.”
He rested his forehead against yours. “I won’t leave you
unless you tell me too.”
“Well that’s never going to happen.” You cup his face in
your hands. “We can do this. It’ll take time but don’t run away.”
He covered your hand with his. “Together, with you.”
Hey, congrats on 2, 000 followers! :) Can I maybe have a drabble with 65. "I don't want you to stop" and 6. “I need a place to stay.”? Thanks!
(cont.) for the 65 and 6 request can I have Jughead x Reader?
Thank you so much! and of course!
You chase Jughead to the back of the drive-in theatre, and when you walk in you stop in your tracks.
“What the hell?” you say quietly, but he still hears you.
“(Y/N), I told you not to follow me, why didn’t you stop when I told you to out there?” He turns to face you, taking a few steps towards you.
“I’m your girlfriend, Juggie, I wanted to know why you got so upset at Archie out there. I didn’t know that there would be a mattress in the middle of the room.” You gesture to the said mattress, laying on the floor with a simple blanket laying over it.
“It’s not like many people have ever come back here.” he scoffs, not able to look you in the eyes.
“Why is it here? What’s going on?” You question him further, taking more steps closer.
There’s a silence that hangs in the air for what seems like hours. It’s unbearable. Only when the light from the movie flips on do I see that his eyes are misting over.
“Jug…” you say calmly, finally closing the gap between you and encasing him in your arms.
“I need a place to stay.” he whispers, and it feels like it took all of his strength to say those words.
“What?” you ask, your hand going to hold the back of his neck, fiddling with the loose ends of his hair as you hold him.
“The drive-in is closing, and I need a place to stay.” His arms finally wrap around yours, and he pulls you in so close. It’s like he’s floating out to see, and you are his life vest keeping him afloat.
“Jughead, why didn’t you tell me any of this?” you close your eyes, trying to focus on his heartbeat, trying to calm him.
“I didn’t want you to think… I don’t know.” he shakes his head, and you pull back from one another. You wipe a wetness from under his eyes with your thumbs. You’ve never seen him this emotional about something, but yet again, the drive-in is one of Jughead’s favorite things.
“Stay with me.” you say.
He looks at me, stunned, “Your parents would let me?”
“They love you, of course they would.” you say to him, reassuring him with just a look that everything would be okay now.
Your hand cups his chin and you place a kiss on his lips. His hands find your waist and you just stand there like this for a few minutes, lips touching, hands on each other.
“I’m sorry.” he says afterwards, your foreheads still touching.
“Why?” you question.
“I don’t want you to stop. Please never stop being you.” he says.
Ora ti cuntu nu fattu. C’era un paisi unni a miseria e a gnuranza ficinu veniri a guerra e a guerra puttoi timpesta i bumbi e ragnola i ghiummu. Nta stu paisi c’era na famigghia e chi risto nto menzu da motti e du focu. U patri muriu mentri ciccava pani pi figghi, a matri finiu sutta cimentu e matuni. Prima di moriri ghiamo so figghiu ranni e ci dissi “Potta a to soru chiù nica a ciccari a filicità nta n’otru paisi unni i to cugini ti spettunu”. Iddu pigghiò so soru e ncumincioi a camminari passannu furesti e disetti, mucciannusi quannu rivavanu i figghi da motti chi vulianu mazzari o quannu c’eranu i latri di animi chi vulianu rubbari. Rivaru nta na città a riva u mari e a carusa spiò o frati u ranni “è ca a filicità?” Ma u ranni rispunniu “no è chiù avanti”. Nta stu paisi u frati ranni travagghioi e a picciridda ciccava a limosina. A fini ficiru tanti soddi e quannu u frati ranni ci mustroi a nica, chista ci spioi “è chista a felicità?” E u frati ranni ci rispunniu “no ma putemu cattari nu postu nta na bacca e annari nto paisi da filicità”. Accussi si misiru in fila pi nchianari nta na bacca cu tanta autra genti d’ogni culuri. Patteru all’abba e annaru nto mari pi nu jonnu e na notti. Poi u tempu cancioi e u mari gridava e si isava e calava. A genti nta bacca si ittava i buci pu scantu. A bacca si inchia d’acqua e u frati misi a soru nu sabbagenti che avia cattatu pi idda. A bacca leggiu leggiu stava nfunnanu. U mari si facia sempri chiù fotti e i cavadduni eranu chiu ranni da bacca, a genti gridava e ciancia. Unu i chisti visti ca a carusa avia nu I sabbagenti e cicco mi ciu scippa. So frati u visti e u firroi mi ci misca, i dui ficiru a coppa finu a chi non caderu nta l’acqua e nta nu minutu sicunu scumpareru. A carusa muta muta incuminciò a cianciri picchi so frati nun putia chiù vidiri a filicità. U sabbagenti a tiniu a galla mentri u mari pari chi si stava cammannu. Cumpariu na bacca ianca cu omini vistuti i iancu chi parravanu stranu. A pigghiaru e sa puttaru cu iddi e da bacca a puttaru nterra, nta nu postu cu tanti letti unni omini vistuti i iancu e a vaddavunu nta tutti i patti : nta bucca, nte ricchi. Idda allura ci spioi si a felicità era da. Ci dissiru di no e a puttaru nta n’otra banna e da spioi ancora si era da a felicità e ogni vota ci diciano no e a spustavanu ancora e accussi tanti voti chi piddiu u cuntu; ogni vota chi spiava si a felicità era da, ci rispunnianu di no, tantu ca fini no spioi chiù. Nu jonnu cumpariu na signura chi dissi chi era so cugina e sa puttó cu idda nta n’otru paisi luntanu. Arrivaru nta na casa unni c’eranu i figghi da signura e tutti a strinceru e baciaru e ci desiru vesti novi e tanti giucattuli. Allura a carusa spioi a signura si da c’era a felicita chi ciccava. Idda a pigghioi e a strinciu e ci spioi chi sintia e a carusa ci dissi che sintia cauddu nto cori u stissu caudu di brazza i so cugina e chi ci vinia i ridiri da cuntintizza. A signura ci dissi “ u vidi chista è a filicita, è intra i nui comi nu ciuri chiusu e quannu semu cuntenti stu ciuri si apri e ni quaddia u cori” “e picchí prima na sintia?” spioi a carusa, e a fimmina rispunniu “picchi u ciuri nasci nto cori sulu c’è paci” a carusa pinsoi a so frati a so matri, o mari e ai tanti che lassoi areti a idda e strinciu a so cugina chiù fotti picchi puru pi iddi chi nun c’eranu chiù vulia anticchia I filicità”. “Ora fa a nanna - ci dissi a cugina – chi chistu è nu fattu e tutti i fatti finisciunu ca genti che ridi cuntenta, ma cu ni leggi sapi, chi nta vita vera nun è accussi, nun è accussì”
Ora ti racconto una favola. C’era un paese dove la miseria e l’ignoranza fecero venire la guerra e la guerra portò una tempesta eterna di bomba una grandine continua di piombo. In questa paese c’era una famiglia che rimase nel mezzo della morte e del fuoco. Il padre morì mentre cercava il pane per i figli, la madre finì sotto cemento e mattoni. Prima di morire chiamò il figlio grande e gli disse “Porta tua sorella più piccola a cercare la felicità in un altro paese dove i tuoi cugini ti aspettano”. Lui prese sua sorella e incominciò a camminare passando foreste e deserti, nascondendosi quando arrivavano i figli della morte che volevano uccidere, o quando c’erano i ladri di anime che volevano rubare. Arrivarono in una grande città in riva al mare e la bambina chiese a suo fratello grande “È qui la felicità?” Ma il fratello rispose “no è più avanti”. In questo paese il fratello grande lavorò e la piccolina chiedeva l’elemosina. Alla fine raccolsero tanti soldi e il fratello grande li mostrò alla piccola e lei gli chiese “È questa la felicità?” e il grande gli rispose “No ma possiamo comprare un posto in una barca e andare nel paese della felicità” Così si misero in fila per salire su una barca con tanta altra gente di ogni colore. Partirono all’alba e andarono per mare per un giorno e una notte. Poi il tempo cambiò e il mare incominciò a gridare, a salire e scendere. La gente nella barca gridava per la paura. La barca si riempiva d’acqua e il fratello mise alla sorella un salvagente che aveva comprato per lei. La barca piano piano incominciò ad affondare. Il mare si faceva sempre più forte e i cavalloni erano più grandi della barca, la gente gridava e piangeva. Uno di questi vide la ragazza con il salvagente e cercò di prenderglielo. Suo fratello lo vide e lo afferrò i due si picchiarono fino a che non caddero in acqua e in un secondo scomparvero. La bambina in silenzio incominciò a piangere perché suo fratello non avrebbe più visto la felicità. Il salvagente la tenne a galla mentre il mare si andò calmando. Comparve una barca bianca con uomini vestiti di bianco che parlavano in modo strano. La presero e la portarono con loro sulla barca e dalla barca la portarono a terra, in un posto con tanti letti dove uomini vestiti di bianco la visitarono: nella bocca, nelle orecchie. Lei allora chiese se la felicità fosse lì. Le dissero di no e la portarono da un'altra parte e li chiese ancora se la felicità fosse li. Le dissero di no e la spostarono ancora da un'altra parte e così tante volte che perse il conto; ogni volta chiedeva se la felicità fosse li, e le rispondevano sempre di no; alla fine lei non lo chiese più. Un giorno comparve una signora che disse che era sua cugina e se la portò con lei in un paese lontano. Arrivarono in una casa dove c’erano i figli di quella signora e tutti la strinsero e la baciarono le diedero vestiti nuovi e tanti giocattoli. Allora la bambina chiese alla signora se li ci fosse la felicità che cercava. Lei la prese e la strinse forte e le chiese cosa sentisse e la bambina rispose che sentiva caldo nel cuore, lo stesso caldo che avevano le sue braccia e che le veniva da ridere per la contentezza. La signora le rispose “lo vedi questa è la felicità, è dentro di noi come un fiore chiuso e quando siamo contenti questo fiore si apre e riscalda il cuore” “perché prima non la sentivo?” chiese la bambina “Perché il fiore nasce nel cuore solo se c’è la pace” La bambina pensò a suo fratello e ai suoi genitori al mare e ai tanti che aveva lasciato indietro e strinse più forte sua cugina perché anche per loro che non c’erano voleva un po’ di felicità. “Ora fai la nanna – le disse la cugina – che questa è una fiaba e come tutte le fiabe finisce con la gente che ride contenta, ma chi legge sa, che nella vita vera non è così, non è così”
Now I’m telling you a fairy tale. There was a country where misery and ignorance made war and war brought an everlasting bomb storm a steady hail of lead. In this country, there was a family that remained in the middle of death and fire. The father died while he was looking for bread for his children, and the mother due to a bomb, came under concrete and bricks. Before dying, she called his older son and said, “Bring your little sister to look for happiness in another country where your cousins are waiting for you.” He took his sister and began to walk through forests and deserts, hiding when the son of the dead wanted to kill them, or when there were the thieves of souls who wanted to steal them. They came to a big city by the sea and the little girl asked her older brother, “Is happiness here?” But her brother replied, “No, it is not here” In this country, the big brother worked and the little one begged for alms. They collected so much money and the big brother showed them to the little girl and she asked him “Is this happiness?” And the big one replied, “No, but we can buy a place in a boat and go to the land of happiness.” So, they got in row to go on a boat with so many other people of every color. They left at dawn and went to sea for a day and a night. Then the weather changed and the sea began to shout, to climb up and down. People in the boat screamed for fear. The boat was filled with water and his brother put a sister’s life buoy he had bought for her. The boat slowly began to sink. The sea was getting stronger and the waves were bigger than the boat, people shouted and cry. One of them saw the girl with the life buoy and tried to take it. His brother saw him and grabbed the two of them banging until they fell into the water and in a second disappeared. The little girl in silence began to cry because her brother would no longer see happiness. The life buoy kept her afloat while the sea went calm. There was a white boat with men dressed in white talking strangely. They took her with them on the boat and the boat took her to the ground, in a place with so many beds where men dressed in white visited her: in the mouth, in the ears. She then asked if happiness was there. They told her of no and took her to another side and she asked them again if happiness was there. They told her of no and they moved her from another side and so many times that she missed the bill; Every time she wondered if happiness was there, and they always answered her not, so in the end she did not ask for it anymore. One day a lady appeared who said that she was her cousin and she took with her in a far country. They came to a house where there were the children of that lady and they all shuffled and kissed her and gave her new clothes and so many toys. Then the little girl asked the lady if there was the happiness she was looking for. She caught her and squeezed her tightly and asked her what she felt and the little girl said that she felt warm in her heart, the same warmth she had in her arms and that she laugh and she was happy. The lady replied, “you see this is the happiness, it’s inside of us like a closed flower, and when we’re happy this flower opens and warms up our heart” “Why did not I first hear it?” Asked the little girl. “Because the flower is born in heart only if there is peace "The little girl thought of her brother and her parents to the sea and the many she had left behind and squeezed her cousin stronger because even for them that they did not find, she looking for a bit of happiness. "Now you’re going to sleep,” said her cousin, “this is a fairy tale, and like all fairy tales end up with people who laugh happy, but whoever reads this story knows that in real life it is not so, it is not so.”
Café Latte | Coffee Shop AU. Phil’s always been
that awkward boy who never quite belonged, and when he runs off to University,
that doesn’t really change; he’s still that weird boy who continuously finds
himself being bullied, even as the barista behind the counter. Until Dan comes
along. | Phan | Gen | Pre-slash | 3,453 Words
Disclaimer: In no way do I claim that this is real or
cast aspersions on Dan or Phil.
I may have had to stalk my prompts tag to come up with inspiration,
but @ineverhadmyinternetphase was having a bad day, so here’s some coffee shop
fluff based off this comic to cheer them up :)) I’m sorry I have no confidence
in my reality fics anymore, so I didn’t write domestic fluff, but I hope this
at least makes you giggle. Sorry you already went to bed, but it’ll hopefully
make your day come morning <3
sharp tone of voice indicates that it’s not a question, but a statement. or maybe that’s the rifle she’s got propped up against her shoulder. in the last several years she’s gotten rather good with her aim, but she keeps it leveled not on his head but his chest. a deterrent, she’s not trigger happy enough to waste precious ammo on every unfortunate bastard that happens across her small farm. it might be bandit country, but she’s been deliberate and careful. fixing fences as they break, rationing her meager harvests, and scrapping what can’t be used as is to keep her small if lonely life afloat.
too many years of too many mistakes and she’s learned quite well you don’t trust strangers. especially not ones that are quite easily twice your size. eighty five pounds of calloused skin and hardened bones, she might not be much to look at, but she’s got the will of a survivor.
❝ don’t have much, but i’ll be damned if i let anyone take it. don’t know if you’ve heard the stories yet but i can shoot the wings off a fly with this at a quarter mile easy. don’t want any trouble so i suggest you keep going on your merry way. nothing for you here. ❞
Choromatsu- Seymour Krelborn. Choromatsu is kind of swayed easily when something is done for a girl. If he could have anything he wished for, I’m certain he would go to the lengths Seymour did.
Karamatsu- Audrey Fulquard. In the episode with the flower fairy, Karamatsu is in an abusive relationship with the flower witch (?), and despite there being signs that he isn’t enjoying the relationship, he goes on with it (maybe because he feels he’ll never get anyone else?). Audrey, too, goes on with her relationship due to self esteem issues, and because she believes Orin (dentist) is a successful man who can keep her life afloat.
Ichimatsu- Orin Scrivello. Gotta love him in the doctor role. Anyway, Orin is very sadistic, and that alone made me think of the role for Ichimatsu. While Ichimatsu isn’t completely as bad as Orin is, I still believe it’d be a good fit, and plenty fun to draw.
Tougou- Mr. Mushnik. One of the first things we hear about Mr. Mushnik is that he “treats [Seymour] like dirt, and calls [him] a slob”. While I feel like this might just be hard loving from Mr. Mushnik, I believe Tougou would fit the role best. Besides, Tougou getting eaten alive when trying to manipulate Choro is somewhat satisfying.
Todomatsu- Audrey II! I love Todomatsu in this role, because he’s got a bit of an androgynous feel to him, much like Twoey does. Not to mention, the plant seems gently, cute, and harmless at first, and as we all know, Totty is the same way. Todomatsu is two faced, and while Twoey for the most part makes his plots known, I think Totty is the best fit. Besides! Twoey and Totty are similar nicknames.
Oh! I also have the trio of singers. I figured Nyaa-chan, Totoko, and Homura would be the best fit based alone on the fact that they’re all girls, and two of them canonly sing. I put Homura in there with them because she’s a cutie tbh. Plus I’d love to draw them in the outfits~
Danai took me home after a few hours after Norman left me. I walked to my apartment and unlocked my door. With a sigh I walked to the kitchen and poured a glass of wine.
I turned on the radio and decided to smoke some. Minutes flew by as I watched the ceiling in utter boredom.
I didn’t know anymore, life wasn’t the same. Norman was there for me always. Now? He just had a lovely, intimate and breathtaking waltz with me. What was this sinister game he playing? He always toyed with me, constantly playing coy. I believe that was the symbol of our relationship, coy.
Living with him was actually pretty blissful, and happy. His parents were actually very fond of me, and they made sure I knew.
Going to sleep was hard that night, thinking of that dance, thinking about everything. I never meant to leave him, but I felt as if that was the only way to save both our hides.
Waking up the next morning was worse than the night before. The sun shined right into my eyes, and my body felt sore. I decided to hand loose, with a loose bun. I threw on a appropriate makeup face, and threw on a huge sweatshirt and some leggings. All snug I walked out of my apartment and drove to the set.
“Hello there!” Danai already coming up to my car with a coffee cup. I smiled without teeth and took it.
“Thanks.” I mumble getting out of the car. Even though I wasn’t drunk the previous night but yet i felt every emotion of being hung over. Danai noticed as we walked into together.
“Maybe instead of hiding behind your guys’ past, try talking to him.” She looked at me with a shrug. I rolled my eyes even though she was right, Before I knew she was off in set.
I sipped my coffee and decided thinking back to the days Sean and I were together. He was truly a nice gentlemen at first. He would take me on his bike, and his convertible. One day Norman came with us, and sadly Liz.
“Have you guys seen this new bracelet I got my princess?” He asked as we drove to Norman’s. Sean raised my wrist to show the silver and topaz bracelet. It was expensive but Sean was very much enjoying our relationship. He always complimented me and mentioned how we always looked good together. He was affectionate and it’s what I needed at the time. I needed that affection, and attention. Norman loved Liz, or loved something about her. Probably her vanity. The way her hair flowed so perfectly, even getting little fly-aways stuck on that slut lipstick couldn’t stop him from drooling. It made me sick, but also happy he wasn’t upset about leaving home. I thought his family was the best, kind people in my opinion.
“She loves it.” Sean said wrapping his arm around me, still driving with one hand. Norman and Liz were in the background constantly smooching, and whispering in each other’s ears. Even though my gut told me they weren’t talking about me… my anxiety grew. She was perfect, and yes I was jealous of those looks of hers, but they will fade. I know mine will too, but at least I still have the intelligence to keep my life afloat. Liz, depends on her looks.
“Baby you okay?” Sean asked looking at me.
“Oh, yea sorry. Just looking at my bracelet.” I said smiling. He flashed me his smile as my phone rung. I of course answered it.
“(Y/n)!!!! Where is Norman and Sean! We need them on set this instant! I instructed you to make sure they get on time!!” He screamed so loud in the phone.
“Babe turn the speakerphone off.” Sean insisted.
“It’s not on speaker Sean, turn around and drive to set before I get fired.” I snap making Norman jump. He never got used to me using my angry tone when we were young.
Sean followed my order, with a swift movement of his freehand back on the steering wheel. He looked frightened from me showing more emotion.
Finally getting on set, and with Liz leaving, I could finally talk to Norman.
Dropping some fake blood on his face I stared at those beautiful blue orbs.
“You okay?” He asked noticing my lack of speaking.
“Fine just tired.” I said truthfully. I saw Norman looking amy bracelet with a almost upset look.
“Are you okay Norman?” I asked stopping to look at him.
“Yea I’m fine, just homesick. I try to talk to Liz about it but she just tunes me out, or unzips my pants and goes for anything to shut me up.”
I nodded, “Sean’s the same way.” I mumbled looking over at Sean who was of course, staring right at me. The director never looked so furious, it almost made me laugh at how little Sean was looking at the camera.
Norman nodded and looked back at the mirror. “Am I camera ready?” He said standing. I smiled and hugged him tightly.
“Always.” I whispered into his chest. His hugs were the ones you never wanted to let go. Or start for the matter, because every hug soon has to end. His chin rested on top of my head and breathed heavy.
“Everything okay?” Sean asked in a low, angry voice. Norman broke our beautiful hug and looked at him.
“We are just homesick.” He said softly. Sean gave him a glare then wrapped his arm around my waist.
Sean led me behind a corner and pressed me against the wall.
“Tell me you love me.” He whispered into my ear.
“I love you.” I whispered. I never truly loved Sean, i liked him, and he was a good boyfriend, but I never loved him.
Sean’s eyes looked down at me with a smile, “Good girl.” He pressed his lips onto mine with powerful force. He made em feel owned and in some ways I found incredible pleasure but yet i felt contained.
I jumped back into reality hearing the director’s voice yelling to the cast. I watched as Norman walked onto the set. I believe the character of Daryl Dixon was the sexiest I have ever met. I stared as he walked on the house set.
“Wow.” I mumbled to myself watching Norman hold his crossbow. His arm muscles bulged holding the weapon.
Norman looked over at me for a moment. In this moment it was just remembered our past. Those crystal blue eyes staring deep into my own. He watched me, I don’t even think he blinked once.
“Come on Reedus.” Alexander said with a nudge.
“There is a theory when you look at someone you love, your pupils dilate.” Andrew said wrapping his arm around my shoulder.
“And your pupils are sooo dilated.” Steven said with a laugh. I rolled my eyes at the theory. How could I ever love someone who left me when I needed them most?
I walked into her apartment, the door wasn’t even locked, and I saw nothing. No paintings, no television. No (Y/n). My heart dropped, and I stopped breathing. I felt as if a part of me left with her. She was fine the night before, I was with her! Liz invited her over for dinner, she broke up with Sean that same morning, now she is gone.
I walked through empty halls, looking into empty shelves seeing if she left anything, a sign or something telling me where to go. I remember crying, I never cried so hard before in my life. She was my best friend … now she was gone.
It took me hours to leave the apartment, and hours to go home. Liz was there by the time I opened the door,
“Hey Baby.” She smiled and hugged me. I didn’t return it. She sighed and walked away without leaving a word. I watched as she walked away back to the television. My anger fueled like a wildfire,
“Get out.” I mumbled walking to the kitchen. She looked at me and raised a eyebrow,
“Excuse me?” She said with a gasp.
“I said get out. As in leave this house and never come back.” I yelled making her move. She didn’t grab her stuff or anything, she glared and left.
(Y/n) never broke eye contact with me. Andrew looked at her a few times during set but that was it.
“She has yet stopped looking at you.” He whispered when we weren’t recording.
“Why?” I asked with a growl.
“Cause she wants to talk with you.” Danai whispered. “It’s time for you both to be adults and forget your past.”
“You dont know shit.” I growled looking at her. Those (e/c) always looked beautiful to me. The way the light hit off them. Her charming smile finally showed after I stared at her. She always seemed to catch me, and had my knees weak. “I’ll talk to her later.” I said looking away from her.
A lot of the credit for this chapter goes to @mybeautifuldecay. Not only did she keep poking me to write it, she also helped establish the plot line unintentionally. And an immense thank you to the beautiful @akb723 for being my editor in chief. This one felt really rough before she helped me smooth it out, so thank you lovely! (and by a happy coincidence she’s also my secret santa! Happy day!!)
The night around us was still and quiet, peaceful. We still lay beside each other beneath the stars with Jamie fast asleep. The weight of his confession was staggering. I’d thought, after he’d told me what Black Jack had done to him, that there had been something else he’d been hiding. Something in his eyes hadn’t been right when he’d spoken of it, like he’d carefully chosen each word to be sure nothing slipped out. I could never have imagined that he’d been tortured so severely, it wasn’t just the physical damage, but the psychological too. Worse yet, knowing that I had been one of the tools used to try and break him cut me to my core. I wondered how much Ian or Jenny knew. Jamie had said that he hadn’t shared with anyone, but I’d spent enough time around the three of them to know words were not necessary to share information.
Jamie slept soundly, curled against me. Vaguely, I thought he looked very much like a child, the way his face was slack and peaceful. What was I to do now, I wondered. With this information he’d shared, he’d showed me his innermost self, the part of him he’d rarely shown me.
During medical school, I’d taken a few psychology courses, but they hadn’t been my focus; I didn’t know enough about it to feel comfortable diagnosing or treating him. Likely he had post-traumatic stress disorder, but other than that, I was at a complete loss.
Rather than focus on things I didn’t have a firm grasp on, I turned my mind to things I did, medicine. Or rather, the drugs that Black Jack had used on Jamie. There was nothing I could do with the information, but it gave my mind something to dwell on - something other than his torture. There were a great number of recreational drugs that could cause hallucinations. Many of them even caused a sense of euphoria, which would have only been used to add another layer to the torture. I ran through lists and lists of drugs in my mind, trying to think what had been used on him.
Somehow, while he’d made his confession to me, we’d shifted a little. It was now his head that rested on my chest, his arm tight about my ribs - like I was the life raft keeping him afloat. I noticed absently that he’d begun to nuzzle his face against my chest. Though he was still asleep, parts of his body were clearly becoming more alert. Without thinking, I began to run my fingers through his hair. It was still short, but it had grown out a little since we’d rekindled our relationship. I wondered if he had done that for me? Perhaps. I’d always liked his hair longer, curly and soft as it played in my hands. He let out a soft groan, his eyes opening slowly.
“Shall we go to bed?” I asked softly, noting his wakefulness.
One eye rolled toward me, growing sharper as he considered my question.
“To bed? Or to sleep?”
My heart fluttered and I felt the heat of long ignored desire gather low in my belly. As I thought of how I wanted to respond.
“Well I think I’d be open to either option, but you still seem a bit tired. I don’t want you to feel pressured.”
“Ye could wake me from the dead for that, Sassenach.”
I smiled a little, relieved that his sense of humor had returned. The seriousness of what he’d told me still sat in the back of my mind, but I couldn’t think of that right now. I didn’t want to imagine what he’d looked like, broken and wishing to be dead; or when he’d thought I was dying near him while he was powerless to save me.
“I didna think ye were ready for that yet,” he admitted. “No’ since the last time.”
“It’s been three months since then. I think we’ve been taking things slowly enough.”
Now both eyes now met mine, eager but waiting for me to make the first move. To bed then, I thought. He let me up first, his gaze never moving from me, and I helped pull him out of the chair. His hand was warm in mine, sending a thrill up my arm like a jolt of lightning.
Was it odd that the last time we’d slept together had been in my flat? Perhaps he felt safer here. My flat certainly felt more like a home than his. I couldn’t help but think of the last time we’d been here, when I’d shown him the little box I’d put my heart in.
My hand felt so small in his, almost fragile. He paused just outside the door, allowing me inside first. When he joined me, I noticed how his eyes darted around the room. Was he uncomfortable in a room without a clear exit?
“Would you rather I leave the door open?” I asked suddenly, my hand on the handle.
“Would ye mind? I dinna sleep verra weel wi’ it closed.”
“Of course not.”
I left the door cracked open enough to let a little ambient light in. I usually slept with it closed, but in light of what he’d told me I was more than willing to compromise.
“Do ye work tomorrow?”
“Yes, but not early. I’ve got a late morning, so I don’t have to rush off right away.”
He gave me a soft smile and took a deep breath.
“May I kiss ye, Claire.”
“Yes,” I whispered as my breathing became ragged.
He moved closer, bringing his hands to cup my face, amazingly gentle for a man his size, and he bent his neck to kiss me. It was sweet and savory and full of everything we didn’t know how to say. What was there to say, I wondered. He’d already told me everything about his time away from me and that he’d never stopped loving me. I’d told him that I still loved him too.
Maybe this was different, though. When we were engaged, we’d been inseparable, not whole without the other. Since then though, I’d had to learn to cope without him and he without me. And because of that; the love I felt for him now had a different flavor to it - more tangy than sweet. It felt stronger than before, more consuming, and that realization frightened me. There was potential for another heartbreak. Three months had done a lot to soothe my worries, but a different part of my brain was prepared for another disappointment.
But Jesus H. Roosevelt Christ he was a good kisser, better now that some of our initial awkwardness was gone. It pulled me from my darker thoughts into more pleasant ones. He brought me to thoughts about the first time he’d kissed me and I remembered that he’d always been wonderful. I could worry about the implications of my feelings later. Right now I was a creature of desire with only one way to satisfy my yearning.
Seizing control of the situation, I bore him back onto my bed. He grunted slightly with my full weight landing on him, but neither of us was able to stop. We began fumbling with buttons and buckles and zippers until we were freed. I took him to the root in one swift stroke, sighing with his full length inside me. He muttered Gaelic words of praise, I thought dimly, though I had no desire to translate them. Sometimes the beauty was in the strangeness of the words, not in their meaning.
I rode him hard, refusing to let my worries creep back into the forefront of my mind. I still wore one of my socks, though I didn’t remember taking off my shoes.His hands snaked up my torso, pushing my bra up so my breasts fell free. He cupped me in those large hands, somehow moving in time with the rest of my body.
I was desperate for this release, eager for a world of feeling without emotion. I didn’t want to think about the risks of loving a man as broken as Jamie was, about what it would mean for our future. I just wanted to feel. His hips rose to meet each of my thrusts, a soft grunt coming through his open mouth. I glanced down for a moment and couldn’t help but smile. Both of his eyes were tight shut, face contorted slightly as we moved together.
The hot oblivion of completion overtook me and I shuddered while he softly groaned my name. We sat that way for some time, his hands still massaging my breasts. When he grew limp and slipped out, I lay down beside him. His eyes were closed, though I knew he hadn’t fallen asleep. As our breathing began to slow he sat up and removed his own socks.
“Will ye stay wi’ me?” he asked softly.
The tone of it brought back that childlike feeling from before, though now it felt somehow sad.
“Of course. Where else would I go?” I asked, pulling off my lone sock.
I considered doing the same as he had and just sleeping naked beside him, but it didn’t feel right. Instead, I got up and threw on an old t-shirt. By the time I was back in bed, he was mostly asleep. As soon as he felt me, he pulled me close and relaxed fully into unconsciousness.
The flaw in my plan to feel without emotion, I realized, was that the satisfaction of that feeling left my mind free to wander. With no lust or desire occupying my thoughts, I had nothing to keep me from thinking about the conversations of the night, of what he had been through, and what it might mean for me.
Was I ready to love a man this scarred? The mere thought at what he’d suffered made me feel sick. He’d still written me letters, even though he’d believed me dead. Had he done it only as a way to mourn my alleged death?
I couldn’t imagine a man with so much life wishing to be dead. Was I ready to be his anchor ?
No, I wasn’t.
I wasn’t prepared for this, I had no training. My love wasn’t enough to fix him, to bring him back together. I couldn’t be that for him. The sheer enormity of it had ice running through my veins. This was going too fast, moving toward an ending I wasn’t ready for. It was likely he thought we’d get engaged again and be married at Lallybroch like he’d always dreamed. For him, it would be an inevitable conclusion. But it wasn’t for me, not yet.
Eventually, I forced myself into an uneasy sleep, not truly resting. When I woke to the whole bed shaking, a loud voice at my side crying out and shouting curses. I sat bolt upright, scared awake, adrenaline coursing through me.
Looking around for the source, I saw him then. Jamie was crouched on the floor like a panther ready to pounce. He was still naked, his eyes flashing wildly around. My alarm was blaring, though I barely heard it. Confused, I reached over and turned it off.
His eyes turned to me and they were no longer sharp and clear, but dulled and distant. Had my alarm scared him so badly?
“Jamie, it’s me, Claire. Do you know where you are?”
I wasn’t sure why I asked that question, but it seemed to help a little.
His voice sounded reedy and raspy, his eyes still glazed.
“Yes, Jamie. I’m right here.”
“Oh,” he said, standing slowly as his eyes cleared. “I thought he’d… No matter. I’m sorry to have frightened ye.”
I stared up at him.
“It’s alright. I have to get ready for work now, though. Will you be alright?”
“Aye, I’ll be fine. You go about your business. Shall I make us some coffee?”
“That would be lovely.”
I took a very fast shower and dressed in my scrubs before grabbing some leftovers for my lunch. He had my coffee sitting out waiting for me while he sipped his own.
“I thought maybe I could come by and see ye for lunch?”
Fear gripped me. This was the next step of progression, of moving our relationship forward.
“I’m not sure when I’ll get a break today.”
“I’ll be there around one for my physical therapy,” he said, setting his mug down. “Perhaps I’ll call ye and see if ye’re free?”
Panicking, I took a long drink of coffee before replying.
“I’d love to; I just don’t think it’ll happen today. My schedule will be changing this week, so I don’t know when, or if, I’ll be able to see you this week. How about I give you a call later, hmm?”
He nodded slowly, watching me though I was unable to meet his eyes..
“Aye,” he said, his voice soft. “I’ll wait for ye to call.”
After my small breakfast, he walked me to my car. He bent to kiss my lips, but I turned my face in a dodge and he settled for my cheek.
“I’ll speak to ye later then, mo nighean donn.”
I didn’t call him during my break that day. I thought about it. Had his number dialed on my phone and very nearly pressed the call. I had a text message typed out, but deleted it.
What had frightened me so much? Why was the reality of loving a survivor like Jamie so terrifying? I didn’t have an answer to that, and I wasn’t sure I wanted one. The one thing I did know, however, was that things were progressing too quickly. I wasn’t ready for marriage and moving into a new house and raising children. I needed to hit the brakes on this and slow things down.
Jamie didn’t call me, but he had sent me a text.
Hope I can see you soon, Sassenach.
I’d stared at it for an hour that night while my dinner cooled.
I’m not sure when that will be. I think we need to slow down a little.
I’d hit send before I could stop myself. I waited anxiously for his reply, but it didn’t come. I thought maybe he’d gone to sleep or was just too busy to reply.
Unlikely, I thought as I went to bed. You’re just trying to make yourself feel better, Beauchamp.
I woke in the morning to my phone ringing. It was a number I didn’t recognize, but I answered it anyway.
“Hello, is this Claire Beauchamp?”
“Yes, it is. May I ask who’s calling?”
“Hello, Ms. Beauchamp. My name is Henry MacDonnell. I have ye listed as an emergency contact for one James Fraser?”
“Jamie?” I asked, worry creeping into my tone. “Is he alright? What’s happened?”
“Weel,” the man said. “I’m his physical therapist, ken? He’s never missed an appointment, as I told him that his hand would cripple if he skipped. I ken there’s some darkness in him still, as wi’ most soldiers I reckon, and I worry when my patients miss our scheduled appointments.”
I stared at the wall in blank shock.
“He… he didn’t go? Or even call?”
“No, ma’am. He hasna returned my calls either. I’ve started contacting everyone on his emergency list, hoping someone will ken where he might’ve gone.”
“Have you called his sister or brother-in-law?”
I could hear papers shuffling.
“Janet and Ian Murray?”
“Yes, that’s them.”
“They’re next on my list. You were listed as his first contact, so I thought ye might ken where he’s gone.”
“I’m sorry, I don’t. I haven’t seen him all day.”
Henry sighed heavily.
“Aye, that’s alright. If ye hear from him, could ye have him give me a call? I worry about soldiers wi’ records like his. Ghosts dinna like to let a weary man rest.”
“Thank ye. Sorry to bother ye so early.”
“It’s no problem. Good luck.”
When the phone went silent, I just stared at it. Jamie wasn’t communicating with anyone, and he’d missed his appointment. That was very unlike him. Hastily, I dialed the number to the hospital.
“I’ve had a bit of a family emergency,” I said to my supervisor. “I need someone to cover my shift.”
“You won’t be able to come in at all today?”
“I’m afraid not.”
I sat at my kitchen table and considered my options. Where would a terrified Jamie go? Unless he was on his deathbed, I thought he might be running scared, especially after what had happened with my alarm clock. Some place safe, obviously, but where would that be? Not here, obviously. Would his own flat be sanctuary enough? Only one way to be sure.
I drove as quickly as I could to his small flat and knocked frantically on his door. When I got no answer, I pressed my ear to it and listened. There were noises coming from inside, what I thought sounded like groaning. Growing more and more worried, I tried the door handle praying it would be unlocked.
I let myself in and stopped short, just inside the door.
The whole place was dark, all the curtains drawn and no lights on. Even his coffee maker had been unplugged to get rid of the light.
I ventured slowly inside, searching for any sign of him. Something stank with the distinct odor of human excrement. The cleanliness I’d seen before was gone. None of the chairs were in the right places I saw, once I’d turned a light on. Clothes were strewn everywhere, the refrigerator door hanging open a little. I checked on the food inside, but there wasn’t anything there. That was good, at least, as he wouldn’t have ruined food. A strange noise drew my attention and I thought it might have been someone falling onto the floor. I moved toward his bedroom, hoping that he’d be there and alright.
The sight of him very nearly broke me.
He wore nothing but his underwear and he was huddled in the darkest corner of the room. He was shivering hard enough for me to hear his teeth clacking. I could smell the urine on him even from across the room.
“No!” he shouted, turning his head away from me. “No! You’re no’ real! A bloody vision again! I canna take more of it! Just kill me!”
I had no training for this, no real knowledge on how to help someone in his condition. I thought maybe touching him would be a bad idea.
“Jamie, it’s Claire. I’m right here.”
“No! She’s dead! He showed me the bloody clothes. Ye canna be real.”
“I am, I’m real.”
“I’ll no’ look at your ghost and ken that I’ve killed ye!”
When he began to shake more violently, I pulled out my cell phone and dialed number for Lallybroch as quickly as I could. I slipped out of the room, though I still kept Jamie in sight. I had no idea what to do about him or how to help him. As I listened to the phone ring, I wondered why I’d called this number and not the hospital. I just hoped Ian would answer it and not Jenny.
“No, it’s Claire. I’m at his flat and he’s here. But… Ian, I don’t know what to do.”
“Has he hurt himself?”
I looked him over as best I could.
“Not that I can see. He’s messed himself though. Likely his bed too, by the smell of it.”
“Claire,” Ian said, his voice hard. “Ye’ve two options right now. Either ye stay wi’ him and help him through this, or ye go and I come. Ye canna have it both ways.”
“I… I don’t…”
“He’s changed since ye got back together and I’ll no’ lie to ye about it. Ye’ve been good for him, given him something to strive for. He needs ye, Claire. But only if ye’ll have him as he is.”
I swallowed hard, staring at the weeping, shivering man in the dark corner.
“I don’t know how to help him, Ian.”
“This happened once before, when he stayed wi’ me and Jenny here at the estate. He needs someone to ground him, help him see the difference between reality and his visions.”
“He thinks I’m not real.”
“Aye, I ken that. But Claire, if ye stay wi’ him now, he’ll depend on ye. Ye canna pull back from him again.”
As I watched him shiver, I felt my heart long for him. Yes, I was still afraid on some absurd level. Maybe my love alone wouldn’t be enough to help put him back together, but I could at least help him back to reality . My love for him was strong enough for that.
“He showed you the text message, didn’t he?”
“Aye. We were having coffee. We both get nightmares, ken? About that bastard and what he did. I ken Jamie got the worst of it, but I’m the only one who understands. He shut down when ye made it seem like ye were backing away from him.”
“I’m sorry,” I said, slowly inching back into the room.
“Do ye need me to come?”
I sat down slowly in front of Jamie, staring at his unshaven face.
“No, Ian. I’ll stay with him.”
“Call me when he’s better, aye?”
I hung up my phone and turned it off. I needed to concentrate on Jamie and getting a poorly timed phone call could be disastrous.
For a long time, I watched him, listened to his incoherent babbling and made an action plan of sorts. First, I needed to bring in some light. That would help dispel his memories of the cave. Then I needed to somehow show him that I was real, not a hallucination. After that, I needed to get him cleaned up.
I got to my feet and started opening blinds and turning on every light I could find. The day had broken bright and sunny, which I was thankful for. I also righted the chairs around his kitchen table and made everything as neat as I could.
Back in his room, I opened the curtains on his window and turned back to him. He shrank away from the light as if it burned him.
“James Fraser,” I said sharply. “Come back to me.”
“No! I canna look at your ghost, Claire. I canna bare it!”
“I’m not dead, Jamie. I’m right here.”
I moved to him slowly, strategizing what I might do next.
“He showed me the clothes. He killed ye because I loved ye. I wouldna give myself to him because of you.”
“You didn’t give yourself over because you’re stronger than he was. You survived and I’m still alive.”
“No. This is a trick again. I’ll no’ gi’ her up!”
With unexpected speed and agility, he lunged at me. Both of his large hands wrapped around my neck as he bore down on me. I struggled, but I was too weak to fight him off on a normal day, let alone when he was deep in a state like this.
“Jamie!” I struggled to breathe as his hands clamped down like iron. “Please! It’s me!”
In a stroke of desperation, I reached out and cupped one of his cheeks in my hand. Every muscle in his body seemed to flinch at the touch. His own hands stopped squeezing, letting me breathe a little, but he was still lost.
“Jamie, I’m right here,” I said, my voice hoarse. “Je suis prest.”
I don’t know why I’d said it or what had moved me to think it was a good idea. Perhaps the familiarity of something he’d known as a child, untainted by Black Jack’s touch. Whatever the reason, his gaze moved to mine and I watched the clouds of dream and nightmare lift.
“Yes, Jamie. I’m right here. I’m not a dream or a ghost. I’m real. Je suis prest,” I repeated.
And I realized I was ready. Ready for whatever a life with him would bring me. Whatever broken pieces of his soul were left, I would hold them in my hands and protect them with my own life. He wasn’t as broken as I’d thought him to be, simply haunted by a past he wanted to ignore. I am a healer. I will do the research and find ways to help him. Because, while he might need me, I also needed him. I truly wasn’t whole without him.
“Claire? Oh God, Claire! I thought ye were dead! I thought I was back there, that I’d dreamed it all!”
“Shh,” I said, wiping the tears from his cheeks. “It’s alright darling. I’m here for you now.”
He fell away from me then, openly sobbing and muttering words I didn’t understand. I struggled to my knees and offered a hand to him, letting him take it if he wished.
“I’m so sorry,” I said quietly.
“What? For what? Ye didna do anything.”
“I shouldn’t have pulled away from you like that. I got scared and my instinct is to cut ties and run. But I can’t do that to you after all we’ve been through. Not when… not with how much I love you.”
More tears leaked from his eyes and he took a deep breath in through his nose. He turned his head away from me.
“I’ve messed myself. Ye shouldna be forced to endure me. Ye deserve a better man, a whole one. One who willna put yer life in danger, or scare ye half to death.”
“I don’t want any other man,” I said, getting to my feet with my hand still outstretched. “I just want you.”
His eyes rose to meet mine timidly, unsure of my intentions.
“Yes, truly. Let me help you, Jamie. Please.”
Then slowly, as though he was still afraid I was a ghost, he slid his hand into mine.
In TMUTH Jon talks about his fear of drowning stemming from a sailboating incident when he was a kid. Oliver pulled him out but that incident must have been at least as traumatic for him as Jon. Maybe way more. Can you give us the story from Oliver's perspective? Thank you for your wonderful words and stories!
“You’re going to single-hand it in this air?” Oliver said over the whipping of rigging in the wind.
Jonny shrugged, as Oliver helped him walk the dinghy down the floating dock on its dolly. “It’s supposed to lay down in the next couple hours. And besides,” he said, casting Oliver an irritable look, “you’re going to be staring over my shoulder, aren’t you?”
There had been a time, not even that long ago, when Jonny thought hanging out with Dad was the height of cool. He used to practically bounce up and down on his heels, saying, “We could take the boat out.” That had definitely happened. Oliver remembered it.
When it stopped happening, people told him thirteen was a difficult age. Apparently so was fourteen.