Deanna Troi’s Letter to the Producers of Star Trek TNG
Dear Producers of Star Trek,
I understand this is a bit strange, but I’m writing this to you from an alternate universe where we do, in fact, exist. By monitoring certain subspace channels, I have managed to get a little glimpse of your (alternate) reality-TV show, and needless to say, I am not impressed. Enclosed in this letter are some things that you should add in order to make your story true to life.
One: Please, for the love of Betazed, do not make me a badass only when I am possessed by an alien. I have more than my fair share of “tough girl” moments- just ask Commander Riker. I did appreciate your episode, “Face of the Enemy”, but it was too little, too late. Besides, I am not fond of seeing myself in a Romulan uniform. To summarize, I am certainly more than an alien token chick that sits beside the captain and looks pretty.
Two: Could you please give me a haircut? I do understand that my hairstyle boosts viewer ratings by 3.7%, but it’s difficult to be an active duty officer in Starfleet when hair is falling over my eyes.
Three: What writer thought it was a good idea to set me up with Worf in season 7? He’s a nice guy, but I’m getting tired of tripping over his bat’leths when he leaves them in my quarters, and the Klingon Opera needs to stop. Honestly, I’d advise finding him a nice partner, maybe another Klingon… or wait. A Trill. I know exactly the person.
Four: Why couldn’t you have given me a uniform sooner? I know my dresses boosted viewer ratings by 5.1%, but I’d have liked to look more professional. And if the uniform couldn’t have been arranged, at least you could’ve given me something with a decent collar. Again, more than a token chick.
Producers, remember that time in “QPid” when you sent us to Sherwood Forest, and I skewered Data with an arrow? I’m a much better shot with a phaser, so please, try to arrange these changes as fast as you can.