liddolaurie

Trying, tieing, tiring, tie me, me. Coming back to this circle. I always try. Go back. The circle of life. Fed up. Caught up. Back between  missing you and hating you. I want us, but you are more you. Pull me, push me. I go back to you. Heartbreaking tragedy of a loveless story. You don’t love me enough. Enough was what I never felt/was. Enough is what I was for me. Cheese is my mind. Us is where I wanna be. All I am is lust. Why not you miss I do. 

Lovers of my Past

I remember each first kiss: passionate, sloppy, empty, fun, whimsical. The touch as your hands caress my body, flowing, following each curve. Pull me closer, our faces meet. Pause. Brush my lips against yours, not yet a kiss but a kiss. Lips moving down, kiss. Kiss my neck. That first moan, feeling my goosebumps rise one by one. Moist. down. Dip your fingers into my pond. Deeper you go, the more it starts to rain. Peel of my layers, unbutton each button. Slowly but… swiftly. In me. Feel me come up then come down. Into me. Left, Right, Up, Down, Across. Repeat. Left, Right, Up, Down, Across. Watch me, watch you. Intertwined as one, we come apart slowly. You tire me. I return back to bed, where I remember all that was once unsaid. 

sidenote:

I wrote this in the shower and typed it as best as I could from memory lol

A to Z

Jaded by the thoughts of you. Consuming my mind, my heart and my soul.

Killing me with each breath. I tell me myself this shouldn’t happen again.

Leave me alone I say, but you always find a way back in.

Meaningless is all we are to each other.

No matter how much we say those words to each other, it doesn’t even matter.

Odd is only one way to describe our relationship. But no one will understand it except you and I. Odd the dictionary definition of odd means different from what is usually expected, strange. Which is exactly what we are. I could also say fucked up, but some people might think saying that is too vulgar. Using complicated would be too simple of a word to describe us. Odd cuts it but complicated does not. Complicated makes us sound generic. We are not generic, we are different which also makes it frustrating. Tearing myself apart over a meaningless name, title, game.

Push your hair back, pull my hair. Look into my eyes.

Questions of love or is this lust?

Replaying back the times we shared, was it real?

Stuck on a thought that was once important, now it’s gone away.

Tell me what you want.

Understand what I’m trying to say.

Velvet dress dropped on the floor.

What was the point of all of this? Wasted time, wasted effort, wasted energy.

Xanies and a 40oz?

You’re selfish.

Zip me up.

Alone is where we both stand.

Back to where we started.

Circle goes back around and around.

Don’t lie to me, don’t lie to yourself.

Everything has an end.

Fuck.

Get away from me. I don’t need you. I don’t want you.

Hate you. Hate me. Hate.

I need a break, I need to rest.

Unintentional Emotional

Five to Seven days, out of the month. Maybe even four days, if I’m lucky. My emotions start to swell and burst out my pores. Rationality becomes blurred by the lines of emotion. Thoughts are there but only feelings matter. 

My bed becomes my best friend but also my worst enemy. There I lay cuddled in the comfort of my blankets surrounded by feelings that trigger emotional thoughts. Tears shed down my face as a I think of the past of people who were lovers of my past. Memories replaying in my head. Maybe I should of done this differently, I shouldn’t have said that, I miss you. My underlying rationality peaks through and knows this is a bunch of bullshit. But emotionality is greater than rationality during these times. 

Confidence starts peaking my first few days, then slowly it withers to hideousness. Feel good on monday, feel like shit by friday. Mentally takes a toll and physically takes a toll. 

After what feels like a lifetime is over. My thoughts are no longer clouded. No  more clouds in my head just sunshine peaking through. I know that I did not really miss the lovers of the people of my past. I know that I looked just as good as I did on Monday as I did on Friday. It was all in my head. An unintentional emotional that happens every five to seven days out of the month. 

Drop.

In my mouth,

I feel it go down

the bitter taste,

down my throat

into my body

it starts to move.

I feel it first in my hands,

The sensation it brings

to touch, 

to hold,

to feel,

it tingles through my hands.

My head it becomes light,

my thoughts only happy

loving.

loving you and him and her.

The smile it brings to my face,

I can’t control it.

My teeth start to clench,

they start to chatter.

It’s going down.

I can feel it in my heart.

The music,

it slowly reaches in towards my veins,

towards my heart pumping to the beat of the music.

I lift my hands up 

reach for the sky 

and

someone grabs hold of it.

Giving me the same look,

the look of love.

Together we dance,

feeling,

moving

to the beat of the music.

It’s started,

it’s happened,

it’s in me.

The night has just begun.

Behind.

Round and round a merry go round,

Curves watching the water flow.

Full from stuffing your face on thanksgiving.

Thick as the concrete floor.

Juicy, mouth watering,

Bite into a peach.

Voluptuous waves of the ocean in the motion.

Cup full of fresh water.

Grabbing into the darkness.

Slap a new born baby’s bottom.

Pick Up

As I wait outside your house,

Sitting in my car,

Waiting for you to pick up the phone

I remember, I remember it all.

The nerves I had driving to your house,

I told you I would get lost.

The dogs barking around the neighborhood,

the stoop kids watching me walk up the street.

Your scent as I walk through your door,

lingering through the house.

Your dog as he jumps and greets me with kisses.

I remember, I remember it all.

Walking your dog around the block,

The noise of the city and cars as they pass us by.

And the silence there was once we shut the door.

The graffiti walls behind your house.

The bed on the floor,

The debate for which movie to watch.

Attempting to cook in your kitchen.

I remember, I remember it all.

Being here now,

it’s all so different.

All we have left are memories.

Pick Up.

Answer the phone.