lick the battery

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COME ON SUCKER LICK MY BATTERY

hello, mister

One-shot. 1984 words. 

 me and my housemate just spent twenty minutes trying to take the lid off of a blender and had to resort to taking it to our next door neighbor, who we have never met or spoken to before. he opened in it about six seconds.

ffn  ao3

An extremely disheveled, disgruntled Mary MacDonald stumbled from her bedroom to find her ex-best-mate perched crossed-legged on the wobbly table in their kitchen, a small blender tucked between her legs.

“The fuck are you doing, Evans?”

“I’m trying,” Lily grunted through clenched teeth, “to get this damned lid off.”

Mary, unimpressed with the considerable effort Lily was putting into this task, glared at her. “And why in the fuck are you using the blender?”

“To make a smoothie,” Lily answered casually.

“And when in the fuck did we get a blender?” A legitimate question. “And why?” Another.

“Discount shop. It was to two pounds, and to make smoothies. Obviously.”

Mary nodded as if the sight of Lily making a smoothie wasn’t weird as fuck. “Why in the fuck did the inclination to make a smoothie strike you?”

“Hangover cure,” Lily said cheerily, flashing a toothy grin at Mary. After dabbing at the light sheen of sweat on her forehead with her sleeve, she resumed her efforts. “Why in the fuck are you saying fuck so much?”

“Because you,” Mary said, pointing an accusatory finger at Lily, “banging that wooden spoon so damn loudly on that plastic lid woke me up at—” she squinted at the clock, “six-thirty-fucking-seven on Friday morning.”

“Oi, right, sorry.”

“I don’t have class today.”

“I know, which is why you went out to that party last night, which is why I blended you a hangover cure.”

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anonymous asked:

Can i lick your battery?

“M..my what?” Zenyatta sat up a little straighter, the stammer practically shoved through his vocal emitter. Of course he knew what a battery was, but in conjunction with that sentence…not so much. “Why would you want to-”

A dismissive wave of one hand.

There was little use pondering this out loud, much of what humans did confused him to begin with, if only to come to the realization that whenever you thought they had divulged all the randomness they could, they invented more.

“I would advise against that. While my battery is mostly insulated, there is the slim possibility it could deliver a shock strong enough to render you unconscious at best.”

Les Amis as funny shit my friends have said
  • Enjolras: you're not queer?! fuck off!
  • Combeferre: i really wanna wee but i'm enjoying countdown
  • Courfeyrac: it's not gonna go snooping around your asshole
  • Grantaire: everything feels smooth, like i'm the head of a pint of guinness
  • Prouvaire: i don't think it's our place to take down her soft pornography
  • Joly: i think i have something stuck in my throat... like satan
  • Bossuet: lick a 9-volt battery, it'll change ya life
  • Bahorel: what did god put us on this earth for if not to make dank memes out of nandos magnets?
  • Feuilly: i thought i could hear origami
  • Marius: i think i left my dignity in my other jeans
The Wedding

June could be wicked in Kansas, but it was better than the oppressive humidity of a summer in Washington, DC.  Cas was grateful for the reprieve, though he did miss the city he’d come to (surprisingly) love.  He’d been more than a little wary when Sam had suggested Georgetown University, but after researching it, they’d both decided to apply.  Sam had graduated in May, and now Cas had to attend his senior year without his best friend because rather than going to Georgetown’s law school, he’d opted for Stanford.  Literally across the country.  It sucked, but they were old enough now that they should branch out a bit from each other.

Perhaps that would put the swelling rumors around them to rest.  They’d shared housing for two years and were pretty much joined at the hip all during the academic year.  All their friends thought that they were in love with each other.  Or secretly banging.  It didn’t bother them, even though they repeatedly informed their friends that that wasn’t the case.  Sam belonged to Jess—a cute, sweet blonde he’d met his freshman year—and Castiel, of course, belonged to Sam’s brother, Dean.

Although that last part was a bit hard to prove.  They emailed quite a bit and spoke on the phone sometimes, but they’d only seen each other in person a couple times over the past three years.  Dean was busy with his job and Cas stayed in DC over most of his breaks to keep his internship at NPR.  Also, if one were to hear or read their conversations, there was very little suggest that their relationship was even remotely romantic.  Castiel’s eighteenth birthday hadn’t brought about the change he’d been hoping for, though he supposed that was just as much his fault as Dean’s.

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Ask me!
80 questions~
1. Name?:
2. Birthdate?:
3. Current Location?:
4. Eye Color?:
5. Hair Color?:
6. Height?:
7. Zodiac Sign?:
8. Ethnicity?:
9. Single or Taken?:
Have You ever…
10. Drank?:
11. Smoked?:
12. Skinny Dipped?:
13. Licked a 9 volt battery?:
14. Made a prank phone call?:
15. Been in a beauty pageant?:
16. Thrown up in public?:
17. Worn a crown?:
18. Licked the back of a CD to try to get it to work?:
19. Been on a blind date?:
20. Caught a fish?:
21. Been in love?:
22. Thought your cousin was hot?:
23. Slept past noon?:
24. Taken a shower with the opposite sex?:
25. Danced in front of your mirror?:
26. Been dumped?:
27. Been arrested?:
28. Made out with a stranger?:
29. Seen someone die?:
30. Kissed a picture?:
31. Slept in the opposite sex’s bed?:
32. Made a snow angel?:
33. Cheated while playing a game?:
34. Felt an earthquake?:
35. Touched a snake?:
36. Sang karaoke?:
37. Done something you told yourself you wouldn’t do?:
38. Caught a snowflake on your tongue?:
39. Kissed in the rain?:
40. Sung in the shower?:
41. Sat on a roof top?:
42. Been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on?:
43. Broken a bone?:
44. Laugh so hard you cry?:
45. Blacked out from drinking?:
46. Choked on something you’re not supposed to eat?:
This or that?
47. Blind or deaf?:
48. Horror or comedy?:
49. Bungee jumping or sky diving?:
50. Sunny or rainy?:
51. Chocolate or Vanilla?:
52. Night or day?:
53. Looks or personality?:
54. Coffee or tea?:
55. Hot or cold?:
Do You…
56. Smoke?:
57. Drink?:
58. Do drugs?:
59. Fall in love easily?
60. Like thunderstorms?:
61. Dance in the rain?:
62. Wish on stars?:
63. Believe in fate?:
64. Believe in love at first sight?:
65. Have tattoos?:
Can you…
66. Cook?:
67. Whistle?:
68. Curl your tongue?:
69. Touch your nose with your tongue?:
70. Speak another language?:
And more..
71. Favourite word?:
72. Favourite flower?:
73. Favourite colour?:
74. What color is your underwear right now?:
75. Would you ever get plastic surgery?:
76. What is your favorite Holiday?:
77. What is your worst habit?:
Opposite sex..
78. Hair colour?:
79. Eye colour?:
80. First thing you notice about them?:
Yallahhhh
-via-@m3a-nafsik

Ask me !
  • Ask me!
  • 80 questions~
  • 1. Name?:
  • 2. Birthdate?:
  • 3. Current Location?:
  • 4. Eye Color?:
  • 5. Hair Color?:
  • 6. Height?:
  • 7. Zodiac Sign?:
  • 8. Ethnicity?:
  • 9. Single or Taken?:
  • Have You ever...
  • 10. Drank?:
  • 11. Smoked?:
  • 12. Skinny Dipped?:
  • 13. Licked a 9 volt battery?:
  • 14. Made a prank phone call?:
  • 15. Been in a beauty pageant?:
  • 16. Thrown up in public?:
  • 17. Worn a crown?:
  • 18. Licked the back of a CD to try to get it to work?:
  • 19. Been on a blind date?:
  • 20. Caught a fish?:
  • 21. Been in love?:
  • 22. Thought your cousin was hot?:
  • 23. Slept past noon?:
  • 24. Taken a shower with the opposite sex?:
  • 25. Danced in front of your mirror?:
  • 26. Been dumped?:
  • 27. Been arrested?:
  • 28. Made out with a stranger?:
  • 29. Seen someone die?:
  • 30. Kissed a picture?:
  • 31. Slept in the opposite sex's bed?:
  • 32. Made a snow angel?:
  • 33. Cheated while playing a game?:
  • 34. Felt an earthquake?:
  • 35. Touched a snake?:
  • 36. Sang karaoke?:
  • 37. Done something you told yourself you wouldn't do?:
  • 38. Caught a snowflake on your tongue?:
  • 39. Kissed in the rain?:
  • 40. Sung in the shower?:
  • 41. Sat on a roof top?:
  • 42. Been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on?:
  • 43. Broken a bone?:
  • 44. Laugh so hard you cry?:
  • 45. Blacked out from drinking?:
  • 46. Choked on something you're not supposed to eat?:
  • This or that?
  • 47. Blind or deaf?:
  • 48. Horror or comedy?:
  • 49. Bungee jumping or sky diving?:
  • 50. Sunny or rainy?:
  • 51. Chocolate or Vanilla?:
  • 52. Night or day?:
  • 53. Looks or personality?:
  • 54. Coffee or tea?:
  • 55. Hot or cold?:
  • Do You...
  • 56. Smoke?:
  • 57. Drink?:
  • 58. Do drugs?:
  • 59. Fall in love easily?
  • 60. Like thunderstorms?:
  • 61. Dance in the rain?:
  • 62. Wish on stars?:
  • 63. Believe in fate?:
  • 64. Believe in love at first sight?:
  • 65. Have tattoos?:
  • Can you...
  • 66. Cook?:
  • 67. Whistle?:
  • 68. Curl your tongue?:
  • 69. Touch your nose with your tongue?:
  • 70. Speak another language?:
  • And more..
  • 71. Favourite word?:
  • 72. Favourite flower?:
  • 73. Favourite colour?:
  • 74. What color is your underwear right now?:
  • 75. Would you ever get plastic surgery?:
  • 76. What is your favorite Holiday?:
  • 77. What is your worst habit?:
  • Opposite sex..
  • 78. Hair colour?:
  • 79. Eye colour?:
  • 80. First thing you notice about them?:

Ask me!
80 questions~
1. Name?:
2. Birthdate?:
3. Current Location?:
4. Eye Color?:
5. Hair Color?:
6. Height?:
7. Zodiac Sign?:
8. Ethnicity?:
9. Single or Taken?:
Have You ever…
10. Drank?:
11. Smoked?:
12. Skinny Dipped?:
13. Licked a 9 volt battery?:
14. Made a prank phone call?:
15. Been in a beauty pageant?:
16. Thrown up in public?:
17. Worn a crown?:
18. Licked the back of a CD to try to get it to work?:
19. Been on a blind date?:
20. Caught a fish?:
21. Been in love?:
22. Thought your cousin was hot?:
23. Slept past noon?:
24. Taken a shower with the opposite sex?:
25. Danced in front of your mirror?:
26. Been dumped?:
27. Been arrested?:
28. Made out with a stranger?:
29. Seen someone die?:
30. Kissed a picture?:
31. Slept in the opposite sex’s bed?:
32. Made a snow angel?:
33. Cheated while playing a game?:
34. Felt an earthquake?:
35. Touched a snake?:
36. Sang karaoke?:
37. Done something you told yourself you wouldn’t do?:
38. Caught a snowflake on your tongue?:
39. Kissed in the rain?:
40. Sung in the shower?:
41. Sat on a roof top?:
42. Been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on?:
43. Broken a bone?:
44. Laugh so hard you cry?:
45. Blacked out from drinking?:
46. Choked on something you’re not supposed to eat?:
This or that?
47. Blind or deaf?:
48. Horror or comedy?:
49. Bungee jumping or sky diving?:
50. Sunny or rainy?:
51. Chocolate or Vanilla?:
52. Night or day?:
53. Looks or personality?:
54. Coffee or tea?:
55. Hot or cold?:
Do You…
56. Smoke?:
57. Drink?:
58. Do drugs?:
59. Fall in love easily?
60. Like thunderstorms?:
61. Dance in the rain?:
62. Wish on stars?:
63. Believe in fate?:
64. Believe in love at first sight?:
65. Have tattoos?:
Can you…
66. Cook?:
67. Whistle?:
68. Curl your tongue?:
69. Touch your nose with your tongue?:
70. Speak another language?:
And more..
71. Favourite word?:
72. Favourite flower?:
73. Favourite colour?:
74. What color is your underwear right now?:
75. Would you ever get plastic surgery?:
76. What is your favorite Holiday?:
77. What is your worst habit?:
Opposite sex..
78. Hair colour?:
79. Eye colour?:
80. First thing you notice about them?:

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“Have you ever licked a battery?”

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Have you ever licked a battery?