I don’t recall a time where I wasn’t angry. It happens at the drop of a hat.
Someone will look at me ‘funny’ or say something slightly different from how I expected, maybe my boyfriend will take too long answering a question or my cat knocks something off the counter.
Sometimes nothing at all happens.
And I’ll just get so angry.
I can feel it in my body, this flood of electricity going through my fingertips like lightning. I can FEEL the anger in every inch of me. Like static on an old tv set making the hairs on your arm stand up.
I get angry at such useless things. At such meaningless imagined slights. The slightest gust will set my fuse alight.
I once read that Borderlines have an emotional skin like a 3rd degree burn; the lightest touch will cause unbearable agony, and it feel’s like I am always on fire. But I don’t know where the flames are coming from so I run through the house and lock all the doors to shut out the smoke, but I am still standing there burning.
Sometimes I can feel hands pushing inside my mind, rattling the doors and trying to push themselves free. I know something is in there suffocating, and I know that one day I’ll have to go from room-to-room and see what’s left inside, but that leaves me here with flames licking at my heels and no where to go.
I know that I was hurt by a lot of people. By kids my age. By adults I can barely remember. By family. Strangers. I know that makes a part of you angry forever. But those feel so..abstract, like I can’t grasp them. I see experiences but they feel dreamlike and disconnected from my own self. Thinking about them doesn’t make me angry on the outside, but I know it’s inside me somewhere keeping the fuse lit.
I have such a capacity for violence against my own body and mind. I could rend myself apart without much thought, the anger is so massive and great.
I keep hearing about how Borderlines are dangerous and violent, that we’re selfish and evil people. But who made us evil? Who made us angry? Who made us yell, and cry, and pull blood from our own skin? Why does that make US the bad ones?
*These darn kids. Thanks for reading and the comments! Means a lot!*
Pairing: Reader x Peter Pan
Warnings: mild language
The three of us were stock still. I didn’t even want to chance looking at Pan because I could tell from the ever tightening grip on my bruising shoulder he was not happy. Ben gave me a sympathetic glance then took off back into the jungle.
The seconds ticked by without a sound but the waves crashing against the rocky cliff wall. Finally I couldn’t take it anymore. “Don’t blame Ben, he didn’t–”
“I don’t care.” he whirled me around so I was forced to stare headlong into his infuriated gaze. “I have just about had it with your attitude.”
“And what attitude may that be?” I asked carefully.
“The one,” he fisted a handful of my shirt, “that makes you think you can poke your nose into every little thing and that it won’t come back to bite you.” he shoved me back toward the edge of the cliff. I grabbed hold of his arm trying to find stability. I was dangling by a thread, literally, and needed to tread carefully.
“I’m sorry. I should have backed off like Devin said.” I said.
“Then why didn’t you?” he pushed me closer.
“Because I thought I could get away with it.” I stated truthfully. “The island where no one ever tells you no. That is unless it comes to your things apparently.”
“Now you’re starting to get it.” he pulled me back from the edge but I could still feel the drop licking at my heels.
“I know you are angry with me. I know that you probably want to just toss me off this cliff and be done with it. But you won’t.”
“Why’s that pet?”
“Because if you really wanted to kill me you would have done it already.”
His expression was unreadable. I dug my fingers into the arm holding me from falling. If he was going to drop me then I could try to take him with me.
Just when I thought he might actually drop me he pulled me back from the edge and flung me towards the jungle. I breathed out in relief and scuttled further back from the cliffside.
“Oh Y/N…” he sighed, his back to me, “My naive Lost Girl. Why do I let you get away with so much? More importantly,” he turned towards me, the initial fury all but gone and replaced with a cool smugness, “Why do you have this sudden interest in me? What is there about me that you possibly need to know?”
“Everything.” I said and he cocked an eyebrow up at me. “You act like an open book but the most interesting chapters you toss in the fire so no one can read.”
“So? What’s the problem with that?”
“Why do you need to keep your past such a secret?”
“Why do you?”
I pushed myself to my feet, refusing to meet his eyes. “If I agree to not go snooping anymore are we even?”
Pan gave a small snort at my dodging but didn’t push it. “Oh yes, absolutely. But first you need to be punished.”
“As I figured. What is it to be? Dreamshade? Beaten within an inch of my life?”
“Nothing like that.” his smirk gave me chills, “You want to be in places you shouldn’t? Well that’s exactly where I’ll keep you.”
He grabbed my arm and in a gust of wind we were at his Thinking Tree. He pulled out the hidden knot and pushed me toward the tunnel. “I know how to get out, remember?”
“So do I. I also know how to keep the only entrances and exits sealed so that you can’t escape. Now go.”
I slid down without another word. It was still dark in here like it was the last time. I expected Pan to come down too but I didn’t hear him. So this was my punishment? Locked in the room filled with all of Pan’s dirty little secrets? Not much of a punishment. I banged my foot against the table. At least it wouldn’t be if I could just light a torch!
“Can I at least have a light or something?” I shouted back up the tunnel. There was no answer. “Fine. I’ll just find a way myself.”
After lord knew how long of stumbling around the cavern my eyes adjusted to the darkness enough that I could find my way around without running into a wall. It took even longer to find some stones that I could use to light one of the torches.
One by one I relit the torches along the walls until the room was bright again. Now that I could see onto what was really important. I found the cubby hole he had kept the small box from before in. Empty! Of course he would have taken all his secrets out before putting me in here.
I went about looking for more cubby holes and hiding spots but they all came to nothing or junk. By the end of my search I had found a slingshot, some crudely crafted carvings, blank pieces of parchment, an empty leather pouch and a couple of candle stubs.
Well this was a whole bunch of boring. I flopped back onto the dusty bed. Nothing to find, nothing to do and nothing to eat or drink. Hopefully Pan doesn’t keep me down here long or I may just die of boredom. Or possibly starvation, whichever comes first.
Up above dark clouds were rolling in and the sound of thunder could be heard growing in the distance. After Peter had shoved Y/N down the tunnel and had Ben locked up in a cage he had retreated to Skull Rock. It was the last place he wanted to be but unfortunately it was the only place he could truly be alone.
He had known Ben was showing her Skull Rock and had figured out this punishment before he confronted them about it. The only bad thing about it was that he had to go back to that room and dig up every incriminating article of his past that he had tried so to forget about.
As much as he hated it this seemed the be the only safe place to put his things where annoying Lost Girls couldn’t reach. He set everything down in a dark corner behind the giant hourglass.
If there was anything Peter hated more than anything it was that hourglass. How it stood there large and golden and ticking away his life. The entire island that it rested on was a scar on his otherwise perfect island. A painful, obvious reminder that this was all just temporary. The life he had created, the memories, his friends, his recruits, his adventures, they were all flitting away.
Unlike the past. Peter could still see the pile of objects mocking him from their hiding place. He hadn’t the courage to just drop everything down into the sea like he had thought to do initially. As much as he hated it there was something sentimental about it all. Little treasures and bitter reminders of why he was on this island.
With a sigh Peter turned around and left the island. He tried to forget his troubles but his mind wouldn’t let him be and the sky betrayed that. This only aggravated him more as it began to rain. Could it not hold off until he at least got back to the island? His teleporting didn’t work across the ocean or in the Echo Caves which meant he had to row all the way back to shore in the pouring rain. This day just kept getting better and better.
Once back at camp he isolated himself back in his tent. The other boys were either doing the same or off running around enjoying the storm as it didn’t happen often.
Peter pulled out his pipes and started to play. At first it was just a bunch of incomprehensive notes that morphed into something much slower and somber the longer he played. The soft tune drifted across the camp filling the Lost Boys ears. Had anyone truly been listening they would have noticed how mournful the melody was. Maybe some would have even recognized it.
At some point I fell asleep. I had no way to tell if it was the middle of the night or the start of the afternoon in this stupid cavern and it was driving me a little mad. Also I was starting to get really hungry which didn’t help time pass any faster.
I know that I could just imagine up some food but it was hardly filling no matter how much one ate. I decided that if no one came to get me by the time I was feeling tired again then I would find my own way out. Pan may have the exits I know sealed but that didn’t me I couldn’t create another. It was just dirt after all. Would certainly be a first, digging up instead of down.
Bored out of my mind I decided to do another sweep of the cavern. I know that all the more obvious hiding places had been ransacked but maybe there was a hidden one that not even Pan had remembered. I knocked on the walls, floor, and tree roots trying to find a hollow spot.
Come on Pan, there has to be something here! I knocked another tree root rather hard and it cracked under my hand. Ah ha! I found the proper opening and reached inside the hollowed out root. My hand touched something and I pulled out a small green cap with a bright red feather pinned to its side.
A hat. I went through all this for a worn old hat? I brushed the dirt off and took a better look at it. Strange, it looks rather small. Too small for the head of a teenager that is. Also, what was with this feather? I slipped it out of the hat and tilted it, the sharp sheen reflected like a flame in the torch light. No bird had feathers like these. At least none that I had ever seen.
I set the hat down and reached into the hiding spot again but that was all to be found. My stomach gave an unhappy growl. “I know, if I had food I would give you some.” Another growl. “Fine, I’ll give you some imaginary food but you know it isn’t going to help any.”
I imagined up a bowl of savory noodles and slurped them happily. “Better now you stupid stomach? You have me talking to myself while eating imaginary food.”
How did my life come to this? Just a couple months ago I was in the Enchanted Forest digging graves and now I’m trapped in the forgotten cavern of a nigh-immortal teenager that keeps a small army of lethal feral children and teenagers on an island that doesn’t age.
How long have I been on this island? It may be only a couple months but the days blur together so often that a possible year may have gone by without me noticing. Time on Neverland is so strange seeing as there is no time to be kept except for when the sun rises and sets. I think it is rather fascinating that none of the boys have gone mad from repetitiveness yet.
The boys. Ben! I was so wrapped up in my own thoughts and trying to find Pan’s secrets that I completely forgot about Ben! What did Pan do to him? Was he alright? The bowl of noodles clattered to the floor as I shot to my feet.
I stuck the odd red feather in my pocket and pulled down the rope ladder that lead out of the cavern. I climbed to the top but the earth wouldn’t move. I jumped back down and tried crawling up the tunnel but again the knot in the tree wouldn’t budge. Dammit Pan!
Guess there’s only one thing left to do.
I broke off a piece of hardened root and began stabbing at the ceiling of the cavern.
“Y’know Ben, you kind of brought this on yourself.” Devin said to the boy suspended in the cage.
“Oh shut it!” Ben snapped, “You know as well as I that she wouldn’t have stopped. It’s not like I was ever going to actually take her to the island. I was just showing her what it looked like.”
“Yeah, and that worked out well for the both of you didn’t it?” Devin sighed, “Do you have any idea what he did to her?”
“You don’t think he, you know…”
“I have no idea. He did look pretty furious when he found us though. He might have.”
“She just can’t be dead. Maybe he just stuck her in the Echo Caves or something.”
“That’s all we can hope for huh?” Ben shifted in the cage again trying to find a comfortable position. “It kind of makes you think though.”
“What?” Devin asked.
“Well, I’m not saying Y/N was right but she did have some point. Pan is our leader and I respect him as so but he does keep a lot of secrets from us. Why do you think that is?”
“I don’t know.” Devin shrugged. “I don’t know why Pan does anything.”
“I would have thought the answer was obvious,” the boys snapped their eyes to the source of the voice. Y/N was standing before them drenched in rain and mud, reminiscent to how she looked when she first came to the island. “Pan is an unbelievably annoying git!”