li*

I thought I lost her, the girl from that summer.
She seemed to be gone,
disappeared into the quiet folds of winter,
lost in an abyss of blizzards and heartbreak.

But the sun is finally starting to break through and
I think I’ve caught a glimpse of her.
I can’t be sure, tentative to say,
but it looks like the girl she used to be.

She’s right there, sitting on the bench in the quiet shade of the park,
hidden behind the perfect hat.
She’s watching, just watching,
a smile forming on her lips as something beautiful catches her attention,
drawing her out of the books she’s hopelessly buried in.

She’s taking her time, wading back in,
while the sun peeks through the clouds.
If you’re lucky she’ll let you in,
show you the secret world behind her eyes,
the one she has had to rebuild too many times,
a place free from the pain of being herself.

Just be careful not to tread on the flowers of someone so lovely,
please just let her bloom.

—  tcardamone, Hope is a park bench on a warm spring day
  • 1D:Dresses Zayn up as a girl for humour
  • 1D:Has harry in glasses playing 'Marcel'
  • 1D Stans:OMG so funny!!!1!
  • Little Mix:Promotes girl power and feminism
  • Little Mix:Releases music video showing girls finding themselves, gaining confidence etc, with a bully getting reprimanded and the boy being ignored in the end,
  • 1D Stans:But...Glasess! How can they call themselves fememists! This is so rude and offensive!!1
Friday - scroll past or bear with me

This morning I am feeling a lot of things.

Embarrassment for eating like a disgusting pig all day. For having to leave my favorite class midway

Anger at myself for acting so so unhealthy. I KNOW better. It wasn’t even just one bad meal or one indulged snack. It was a constant consumption of shit food.

Sadness that I let myself down, my friends here down, my zumba family down. That I was that deep down that hole yesterday that I must have been setting myself up to feel horrible. Self abuse.

Frustration that I got so severely off track. That I let hormones and stress and my feelings of inadequacy get the best of me. I know what to do and I know I can do it. Why can’t I get it together?

But I am grateful for all the support I got last night. The messages. The snapchat. The texts. The Reblogs. Honestly I still am shocked that I still have a support group after I keep messing up so much. I feel like I keep failing and not following my own advice. That I am failing my friends. I used to be someone who was proud that I could be inspiring and motivating to live a healthy life. That I could help others to see how it wasn’t that hard. I definitely do not feel that way.

I feel like yesterday may have been a bottom for me though. Such a huge meltdown (honestly I had one before zumba too) and I made myself so sick that I couldn’t do my favorite activity. I woke up thankful felt better. But even thinking of eating anything sweet makes my tummy roll.

I want to be healthier.

I want to be happier.

I want to succeed.

I know I keep trying stuff and it either doesn’t help or I give up along the way.

I know I keep holding on to some excuses.

I am not dumb. I know where I am fucking up.

Where is my drive? My motivation? My inspiration?

In about 2 hours I will have some time to myself. Looks like no rain so far so I am going to do that hill. I may walk most of it. Or I may use all those feelings above to push through and run that fucker. Then I will come home and do some office organizing and cleaning, and the crochet and pvr. I figure that’s a good mix of healthy stuff to accomplish on my free time today.

Thank you for sticking with me. For supporting me. Even through all this bad shit. Through all my annoying mood swings. When I haven’t been that loveable.

I am grateful for you. You keep my fire burning.