Okay, so I was talking in my other post how fucked up it is that straight people press their sexuality on queer people because they see them as “broken”, even to the point of intentionally hurting their own family members, and it reminded me of something that happened to me awhile back.
Firstly, it must be understood that my brother has been trying to hook me up with someone, specifically a guy, for years. One, because I’m a virgin (gasp!), Two, because I’m on the asexual spectrum and have never been interested in sex whatsoever, and Three, because I’m biromantic and he apparently can’t stand the thought of me pairing off with a woman instead of man, with whom I could have a million babies and be the perfect nuclear family and blah blah blah … (My brother is disturbingly obsessed with carrying on one’s genetics–especially if you’re smart and white–but that’s some shit for another day)
Alright, so, knowing all this, I once (stupidly, apparently) told him about this guy who was passively interested in me.
Now, this guy was already in a happy relationship with someone else. He’d just expressed attraction to me, no pressure to do anything. It wasn’t a come on or an invitation. Just stating that I was attractive, basically. I was
telling my brother how I liked the guy, but he wasn’t the type of person
I’d date, and my brother suddenly got mad at me.
Mind you, this
guy wasn’t even TRYING to date me. Wasn’t asking. Said he was happy where he was. And I had told my brother that.
But my brother got all up in my face about “turning him down” because I
“wasn’t giving him a chance!” My brother had literally never met or
heard about this guy until now, and had no idea what kind of a person he
was. But he was rooting for this stranger to hook up with me, even
though I explicitly stated I wasn’t interested. This is the same
brother, by the way, that has continually insinuated that he would
casually threaten any new boyfriend I got by greeting them on the porch
with a shotgun (in order to somehow “protect me” from being mistreated
by them, presumably).
Basically, he had it in his head that his fellow males’ gratification was more important than his own sister’s decisions or wellbeing. He literally knew NOTHING about this guy, but the dude’s potential desires (not even explicit desires!) were a bigger deal than my freedom of choice. What more can I think, when my brother knew nothing more about the guy than that he was a guy? It seemed to me that, to my brother, the mere idea of maleness formed an inherently closer bond to him than that of kinship, sibling kinship nonetheless.
He all but says he’ll shoot any guy that brings me harm, but he’ll get angry at me on behalf of someone he’s never met, just because they *might* be attracted to me, even if I wasn’t attracted to them?
That’s fucked up in itself, and that’s not
even considering that he knew the guy was already happy with another
So, to my brother, not only was this random guy’s “efforts” (at
getting close to me) more important than his own sister’s feelings or
safety, and deserving of reward, my brother was perfectly happy to have
some OTHER girl, the guy’s ACTUAL girlfriend,
suffer in order for this guy to get with me. He was more worried about this guy potentially getting “friendzoned” than he was about his sister potentially ending up in a unfulfilling relationship (best case) or (worst case) being bodily harmed.
That’s about when I realized that my brother, despite what he may believe, was never on “my” team.
Now, I did realize all this as the conversation was happening–that he prioritized the imaginary longings of stranger over his own sister–and I told him as much, and how disturbing I found it. How, even if the guy WAS interested in dating me (and possibly cheating on his girlfriend??) it didn’t matter how much he was nice to me if I wasn’t interested in him, too. That me not being attracted to everything that came my way wasn’t some kind of personal failing or betrayal.
He did take a step back then, and seem to reevaluate his own logic, which was really refreshing to see. But he still, though sheepishly, maintained that I should “give the guy a chance”.
I told him something to the effect of “No thank you, I can make my own decisions like a big girl,” and walked off to have the spaghetti I’d been cooking.
This story is less about me getting my brother to check himself and more about me realizing how prevalent this kind of fucked up narrative is in society, where heterosexuality and sex are prioritized to the point of degrading other kinds of cultural ideals that are supposed to keep us safe. Where friendship is devalued in comparison to a romantic relationship. Where your own family might be perfectly happy to throw you (and possibly others) under a bus if it means you’ll live up to their idea of social norms. Where your opinion doesn’t matter when it comes to your own relationships because you couldn’t possibly know what’s best for yourself.
I am sick and tired of this rhetoric. It is ancient and harmful and it needs to go.
On that note, I’ll leave you with one of my favorite old “oh shit realization” memes, which is essentially what I tried to explain to my brother:
Callie lives on the road, trading labor for food and lodging through a farm work-exchange program. She’s perfectly content with the life she’s created, but it is shaken up when she meets Jo, a mechanic and sister of Callie’s latest boss. For the first time, Callie begins reconsidering the choices she’s made. But Jo’s life is far more complicated than her own and as family tensions rise, they threaten to pull Callie in, and her growing bond with Jo might not be reason enough to stay.
I love the ‘wanderer finds possible reason to settle down’ trope. Really, their whole “Solitary Travelers” collection is worth a look.))
Liang is a painter. While there’s nothing else he’d rather do, he’s ready to be finished with his current commission; he’s been in one place far too long and it’s starting to wear. His only relief is in the lucid dreams he’s been having. They feature the same strange man, and though he seems to find Liang incredibly frustrating, he keeps returning to Liang’s dreams. The conversations are often odd, but the company is welcome. Xerxes is an incubus. When he’s drawn to the dream of an attractive foreigner, he’s expecting a fun night and a tasty meal. He is certainly not expecting to be given a sweater. All his seduction attempts fail spectacularly, leaving him annoyed and confused. But more than anything, he’s curious—curious enough to visit Liang in the waking world. Unfortunately, the waking world also holds danger for Liang, in the form of the man who commissioned him. A man who has decided that no one else should be permitted to enjoy Liang’s skills.
((The cover is beautiful; it looks like you can just reach out and get paint under your fingernails. And I absolutely adore the idea of somebody meeting an incubus and giving him a sweater. <3))
Sam, a sheriff’s deputy in a small Arizona town, is off-duty when he finds himself in the middle of a hold-up at a local diner. He makes it out alive only because of Montgomery, who shoots the robber attempting to kill Sam—but in the fallout, the second robber gets away. In the aftermath of that ugly night, Sam is determined to know Montgomery better, while Montgomery is determined to find the man who escaped. He’s also dead set on avoiding the deputy, having secrets of his own he doesn’t want out. But loneliness is hard, and Montgomery can’t resist the companionship Sam is offering—the companionship he’s always wanted, but could never find. If they’re going to explore it, however, first they’ll have to stop the growing threat of the robber who got away…
I love the inherent push-pull setup of this relationship, and as much as I love classic westerns, contemporary ones can be a lot of fun too.))
Joan and her starship crew are in the business of slaves—specifically, rescuing as many as possible from the oppressive Empire. After dropping off their latest passengers and resupplying, Joan and her second-in-command, Luana, decide to ferry out citizens looking to escape imperial clutches. It means they risk taking on spies, but when the first meeting goes well, they decide to chance it. But a trip that starts well soon turns sour, between problems with the ship, passengers asking uncomfortable questions, and a confession from Luana that Joan fears will only end in disappointment and destroy the friendship they’ve already built. And before they have a chance to sort their problems out, the whole journey abruptly goes from bad to worse…
Told you the Solitary Travelers collection had some good stuff. ;) Space opera! Found family on a ship fighting bad guys! SOLD.))
So this week, I watched DBC again: I remain convinced that it is not only a good film in general, but also one that is “good for the community” in ways both obvious and subtle. In fact, I think DBC is so good on queer issues that I’m beginning to suspect that it’s the assumptions and motives of the detractors that are problematic.
what do you think of the whole issue between the Netherlands and Turkey right now? I haven't really seen a lot of analysis here and idk what to think of the situation
It’s ridiculous bc erdogan is a power hungry authoritarian warping the minds of his people in a way to consolidate even MORE power like. I cant fully blame some turkish ppl from internalizing his bullshit bc the turkish media are so fucking manipulative. But like. To have a spillover of THIS magnitude on dutch soil is absolutely atrocious. Erdogan has no business in the netherlands, certainly not promoting his dictatorialism, and the people taking to the streets for his disgusting, fascist, islamist, anti-Kurd, anti-democratic, anti-press, anti-LGBT, misogynist, evil ass clearly have not a shred of knowledge of what they’re supporting beyond some sort of distorted “nationalist” ideal (that would have Ataturk rolling in his grave) so i cant defend them and they do not have my sympathy.
Also @ the protesters: how dare you support erdogans authoritarian measures while you’re comfortably in the well-to-do rich caretaker state of the Netherlands while your relatives in Turkey suffer and even die because of Erdogans policies that YOU support. You know why erdogan needs your support? Bc the people actually LIVING in turkey wont give him a majority. Bye
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This week @YungBuckBabyface and Money share their QueerWOC grad school woes. Babyface also helps answer questions from the inbox and shares about her decision to have top surgery. Many thanks again to @ohsnapitsalexandrasart for the new logo!