“Alright, everyone - on three. One, two–”
“Not it!” Parker interrupted, holding up her hand.
“I hadn’t said three yet,” Eliot snarled.
“When has playing by the rules ever gotten any of us anywhere?” she countered with a smirk.
“Well, there was that one time,” said Hardison, ticking off a mystery point on one finger, “oh, and that other,” two fingers, “and that one - oh yeah, we played by the rules so good that time, and–”
“Not helping,” said Eliot through gritted teeth, heaving a sigh. “Look, Parker, we’ve been over this. Hardison and I can’t play the couple, it’ll draw too much attention.”
“Why? Gay marriage is really common now!”
“Hey, not gay!” Hardison protested.
“Great, and now he’s not gay.” Eliot rolled his eyes. “Why don’t you two get hitched, then, ‘not gay’ and ‘not it’ are made for each other.”
“I am not gay,” Hardison repeated emphatically. Parker rose from her chair, slipped behind him, and pantomimed his movements and speech pattern. “I am pansexual and queer and when you disrespect my identity you disrespect me and dammit where did Parker go, she’s standing behind me, isn’t she? Yeah - of course she is. Look, it’s easy - I need to handle the security system, so you two go get hitched, and let me work. Ya’ll hurt a guys feelings, arguing about which of you want to be married to me less, I get it, okay? Just a…” He trailed off, mumbling, poking at his phone.
“Fine,” said Eliot, throwing up his hands. “Parker, let’s go check the jewelry stash for matching rings that fit. We’ve wasted enough time on this argument.”
“Wait, which of you am I married to?” asked Parker.
“Neither!” Hardison and Eliot said simultaneously.
Parker pouted until they pulled out the casket where the jewelry was kept. Nothing cheered her up like more gold and gems and platinum and jade than she could hold in her cupped hands. Seeing her smile, Eliot’s sour mood eased. They were both idiots, so much younger and less experienced than he, so determined that this threesome when work when it had been the two of them originally and would be the two of them long after Eliot finally did something stupid enough to get himself killed. But until then, he could indulge them, he supposed.
The hardest part was to get Parker to stop picking out pretties and stashing them in her pockets.
Hours later, Eliot had to amend that thought. The hardest part hadn’t been getting a ring on his finger. The hardest part hadn’t been trying to play two different men simultaneously, one married to Parker, the other married to Hardison. The hardest part hadn’t been when he got caught mid-change and the job went to hell. The hardest part hadn’t even been taking a few hits so Parker could make a clean escape.
No, this was definitely the hardest part.
“Are you insane?” said Eliot.
“Hey, hey, we do not use the ‘i’ word–”
“That really hurt my feelings, Eliot.”
“–we know it hurts Parker’s feelings, come on, baby, Eliot didn’t mean it, he’s just surprised.”
“I meant you, Hardison! If you guys want to make this real by all means, go for it! No one is holding you back!” Can we please just stop talking about this? I want it too much for any of this to be okay with me.
“No! Nate and Sophie, they taught me to be honest about my feelings, and this is me, being honest! I’m marrying both of you.”
“You can’t do that, Parker!”
“Why not?” she asked with actual confusion. Eliot raked a frustrated hand down his face.
“Hardison, for the love of…talk sense in to her!” he said.
“Yeah, yeah, I’ll do that, right after I…” Hardison stopped typing with a flourish. “Alright, boys and girls…uh…boy and girl, we are good to go.”
“Thank friggen God, I can’t wait to put this whole shitshow of a job behind us and–”
Hardison flicked over his phone and an image appeared on their projector - an engagement announcement for Parker, obviously in her Alice White alias, to one of Hardison in that damned Ice Man bullshit outfit he’d pulled.
Eliot had never been interrupted by a silent cocky grin before, but there was no answering that look on Hardison’s face. Hardison flicked over his phone again and another announcement turned up - Parker and Eliot, as themselves - and another flick interrupted Eliot’s next strangled attempt at an interjection, Hardison and IT guy Eliot.
That had been a good look for him…the glasses…Parker loved him in the glasses. With a sigh, Eliot deflated.
“Really?” he asked. Though his tone was resigned, there was a warm glow in his chest. He couldn’t deny that he wanted this. But it was a terrible idea.
“Really,” said Hardison and Parker, staring at him hard.
“Unless you’re going to keep being a little bitch about it,” Hardison added.
“Hey, you love it when I’m a little bitch,” Eliot said pointedly.
“Yep, we both do,” said Parker with a gentle smile. Eliot sighed again. God, no matter how hard he tried to do the right thing - the wrong thing? whatever - these two always twisted him around so damn easy and the worst part was…
“Fine,” he conceded.
“Yes!” Parker gave an adorable jump, punching a fist in the air, and Hardison smirked like his damn mouth had gotten stuck like that.
…the worst part was he absolutely loved them for this kind of bullshit.
Guess I’m getting married.