I watched him fade from my life like tail-lights in the middle of the night. The heart breaks differently when it knows it’s breaking for someone for the last time. You feel it in your bones, you know the love isn’t gone but it’s not enough, not anymore. He expected tears & white flags & ‘maybe you shouldn’t leave’- and I almost said that but the words couldn’t get past my teeth. 'I still love you but I can’t keep doing this’ burned like fire in my throat- maybe that’s why I screamed it instead.

without all the labels

who are You?

But how do you even begin to let those labels drop? How do you begin to come to that peace, the “enlightenment” and just be? I’ve read so much that says to sit and observe your thoughts, just be, and stop thinking, that is when the labels drop. a lot of this we read in zen and buddhist literature, and a lot of this is written by people that have come to this process after years of first putting in the work. These words and messages have different meanings when read from different states of consciousness. And for many that are just beginning to feel the burn to know their true selves, many find themselves thinking that thoughts need to be stopped to attain peace. And this is an illusion, a deep misunderstanding. Because all of reality is a thought. You can’t stop it. The thing is to realize that the things you are thinking - about reality, about yourself, and about others, are an illusion, a flimsy veil masking the truth.

i’ve found personally that the ‘being’ comes later. you fall deeply into yourself as the observer when you have sifted through all the lies, and found them to be false idealizations told to you about what and who you are. The observing becomes easier when you have felt the lucidness of your thoughts about who you think you are.

When each idea, label, and conditioned belief about your reality arises, ask yourself - is this true or false? Deeply to my core do I feel and believe this to be true about my Self?

Ask your Heart.

That is how the labels drop. There is no removing. There is a shifting of consciousness and realizing that you were never these things at all. When you breathe, when you dream, when your heart beats, there is no you who is consciously controlling these fundamental needs. When it all ends, when you take your final breath, what is it that exits, that puts an end to all the processes?

Think of those questions, but yes I understand there is no need to really seek answers when you realize that all you have to do is be, and see that you are the one who is observing. But these words are said by beings who themselves put in lifetimes of work to clear their energy bodies of all conditioned beliefs and labels… by questioning first, to reach the source beneath the illusionary veil of lies.

And see, you will reach a point where you will run out of questions, and the answers will gush out of you, but you will have no need to speak. That is when all of life becomes open for you to observe, and just be.

To everyone wondering if they will ever move on.

Yes, you will.
It will take you some time. By ‘some time’ I mean a long time.
It won’t be easy. In fact, it will probably be the hardest thing you’ll have to go through.
Moving on is messy. It is either being too happy or too sad at 3am. It is laughing till your stomach aches, or crying till there are no more tears to be cried and you just feel dead inside.
Moving on is the shaking of your hands and the breaking of your voice when you realise that there will never be a them and you again.
Moving on is wondering what you did wrong and why you just weren’t good enough for them.
Moving on also means eating less and drinking more alcohol than you should.
It also means stopping everything that you’re doing and thinking about them. Actually, you will think about them a lot. You will see their favourite restaurant and you will think of them. You will hear their favourite song and you will think of them. You will look at your coffee and the shade of brown will resemble the colour of their eyes. At one point they will be all you think about. It starts the moment you wake up and never ends because even in your dreams they will be haunting you.
But one day you will wake up and you will feel okay. The next day you will feel more than just okay, you will be fine. You will think of them still, yes. But it’s going to be a different kind of thinking. It will be a “wherever they are, I hope that they are fine and happy” kind of thinking. You will have moved on. You will have survived this hell. You will slowly but surely forget them more and more each day, and forgetting will never have felt that sweet. But you have to let yourself hurt before you can heal, remember.

To everyone wondering if they will ever move on, you will.

—  e.s. // to everyone wondering if they will ever move on.

you don’t stop
loving someone
just because
you don’t talk
to each other

you don’t start
hating someone
just because
things got tough
or wasn’t all
sunshine and
the whole time.

things work out,
they don’t,

sometimes shit
just happens,
and that’s okay.

love is really,
fucking complicated
but go with it
when you find it

you might
get lucky
or you might not,
but either way
you can say you
tried and learned.

and that’s

—  trying to learn from what happened (6/21/17), thekaijusleeps
Even the good people, the ones you dream of meeting, fuck up. People aren’t perfect and loving someone means handing them a gun and trusting them not to shoot you. But we’re all human and sometimes we get scared and we panic, accidentally pulling the trigger. That doesn’t mean that they don’t love you… it just means that Life doesn’t come with an instruction manual and sometimes we do the wrong thing. So do you banish them from your life and try to forget their existence when you might have made the very same mistake if the roles were reversed? If they shot you and are begging for forgiveness, willing to do anything to make it up to you, do you give them another chance and hope that the good you see in them will overcome the bad? Or do you just shut down and walk away?
—  I guess it depends what kind of person you want to be - Jess Amelia 
Meeting someone at the wrong time is the saddest thing I have ever come to comprehend. There is this unfathomable pain rooted deep in knowing that you have to let go to continue growth separately when in your heart, you just know- you know that since the first day you were both put on this planet, you must have been two seeds planted right next to each other, the crossing of roots inevitable because what else could explain how you see the world almost identically? What else could explain how when it rains on the other, you feel it too? And it is for these exact reasons I know that us meeting was not a coincidence; we will meet again someday when we have bloomed a little stronger in order to maximise eachother’s growth.
—  Farewell for now, my flower.

Y'all 18, 19, 20 scared you won’t find love in time. Breathe, you’re still so young and have so much life to experience. Love will come along the way, it always does.

It is not easy to let go of people,
especially when they are of
kindred souls to your own.
You just have to trust that
however short they stayed in
your life, they have fulfilled
a beautiful purpose - perhaps
it was to touch you softly,
or to wake you up from a stupor,
or to teach you a lesson of
some sort. Whatever it was
they came into your life for,
you are never emptier for their
absence. Rather, you are more
whole for it. Love them while
letting them go. Love them
even after they are gone. And
love yourself all the more for
your strength.
—  The Subtle Art of Letting Go // Genefe Navilon
It was toxic. Our relationship was toxic. We loved each other but it was a constant back and forth from bliss to pain and pain to bliss. We couldn’t be the people who we wanted to be. We were too tied up to each other. It didn’t help that we also had to hide from everyone. It was getting harder and harder to breathe. It was suffocating. Our love was real but maybe, it was just not the right time. We needed to love ourselves first. Maybe, one day, we will meet again and never let each other go.

Heartbreak never truly goes away.

Eventually, you stop crying yourself to sleep and the self-blame will dim. The questions as to why you weren’t good enough along with all that lost time spent in the shower retracing your last conversation will also stop too.

However, it will not be easy.

You are still going to wake up with them in your mind for weeks to come and similarly, they will be all you can think about before you sleep. Heartbreak is a bit like love in that respect, you think about them constantly except the thoughts are painful this time around.

Indeed, there are moments where you find shelter from these thoughts, a hot chocolate with a friend or an essay that requires your full attention. Your favourite song will come on but then that shuffled sad song will follow and trigger the thoughts all over again. This is inevitable so when it catches you off guard, let it all out. Do all you must to wash away the sadness. Call a friend, bake some cookies, go and lie on the floor with your dog and tell him you’re glad he wouldn’t ever hurt you like this.

Your heart will miss them so much it will use any excuse to search for them. The same model car they have will drive by while you are laughing away with your friends and suddenly you cannot breathe.
You might see someone with the same curly hair or the way the person sitting in front of you on the bus drums their fingers to a song will remind you of them. This too, is inevitable. Try to appreciate these small quirks because regardless of where you have ended up, these were once pieces of a puzzle that led to you falling in love and that is a beautiful thing.

Most importantly of all, you are going to want to run to them. You are going to want to share your day- whether it be good or bad- purely out of habit. You will miss the way they told you terrible jokes or sent you pictures of your favourite breed dog just to bring a smile to your face for the first time that day. You will miss how excited they got when you were excited- how happy they got when you were happy. Allow yourself to grieve this absence but remind yourself that they aren’t the only person who would be willing to devote so much effort to cheering you up. Let your loved ones know you’re sad and soak in the warmth of their kind words. 

And then, suddenly, a few weeks have passed and you think of them for the first time in three days and you realise that you are healing. You start to fill your time with people and things that make you happy. You suddenly crave adventure and new experiences and anything that makes you feel alive again. You stop beating yourself up and start to defend your corner like you are your own best friend. You put your hands up and admit your contribution to the downfall of it all but the difference is, you refuse to defend them any longer. You validate your pain and tell yourself that it is okay to hurt and that you just need time- the art of healing requires the same patience as a few broken bones.

The bond with your friends will strengthen if you let them in- please let them in. Spend time with them and regularly express how much you appreciate them. Feel good about telling loved ones that you love them. Do not shy away from this term because your heart is broken. Please remind yourself that this is not the end for you. Do not console yourself with the whole there are other fish in the sea rubbish because I know that despite how much pain they have caused, you still want them and you will continue to want them for a very long time. Instead, console yourself with the thought that your heart may be in two right now but bones do that sometimes and with a little support, healing is inevitable.

My darling, to break may not be beautiful while you’re going through it but it is, don’t you see? Even a glow stick has to crack to shine; think of how proud you will be when one day you can smile at yourself in the mirror and mean it again.

—  Heartbreak 101.
I don’t need to get revenge on anybody. What happened, happened. It’s over. It’s time for me to get back to my life and continue to improve as a person.
—  Affirmation of the day. 

You were my chaos, but you were also my peace.

– p.n.