letter-to-you

Ever since we broke up, I tried to get you out of my mind. I wanted to forget about you.

But the little things got to me. Remember the white daises you gave me when I cried? One tiny daisy was growing at my backyard. Did you see the bright full moon yesterday? I remembered when you showed me the constellations before the meteor shower.

It hurt when the memories unconsciously flooded my mind. My heart ached for once more chance to do it all over again. I want to go back in time and see you again.

I want to go back with us together again.

—  m.d. // unread letters #1
Meeting someone at the wrong time is the saddest thing I have ever come to comprehend. There is this unfathomable pain rooted deep in knowing that you have to let go to continue growth separately when in your heart, you just know- you know that since the first day you were both put on this planet, you must have been two seeds planted right next to each other, the crossing of roots inevitable because what else could explain how you see the world almost identically? What else could explain how when it rains on the other, you feel it too? And it is for these exact reasons I know that us meeting was not a coincidence; we will meet again someday when we have bloomed a little stronger in order to maximise eachother’s growth.
—  Farewell for now, my flower.
2

-excerpt from a book i’ll never write #28

Apologies to a 15 year old me

I’m sorry I’ve dyed and cut and permanently straightened your hair so much- it was better the way it was and now it will never be the same.

I’m sorry I quit gymnastics- I know you loved it. And soccer and track and tennis and skiing and the piano. I’m so, so sorry- I was lazy. But you don’t regret it as much as you thought you would.

I’m sorry I didn’t use more of that cream on your scar or maybe I’m sorry I used as much as I did- because now, 10 years later, you’re still not comfortable with it and it puts a strain on a lot of your relationships. But know that you’ve grown to accept that it’s part of who you are and there is no “you” without that scar.

I’m sorry I hurt that boy you cared about so much once you finally got him. You’ll know who I’m talking about in 3 years. That is something I didn’t mean, that was a mistake.

On the topic of boys, I’m sorry I’ve talked to and done more with boys you would never have wanted me to talk to. But you’ll understand what it’s like to not use your brain. It’ll take a few years because you always use yours now and you won’t start actually drinking until junior year of college. But one day in 2009 and then again in 2011 and 2016, you’ll understand what it’s like to fall so quickly for someone you shouldn’t.

I’m sorry that I didn’t live up to everything you and everyone else knew I could be. I’m sorry that I haven’t been able to buy dad a car yet and I didn’t get into Harvard Law and I don’t have a secret modeling career on the side. I’m also sorry that everyone else led you to believe you could do anything in the world and be amazing at it because sometimes that’s just not possible and it has nothing to do with you or how amazing you are.

I’m sorry you eventually forget most of your languages and stop trying to learn them but you pick up a little bit of a few new ones and you eventually make it out of the country. And sorry, but you hate it.

Lastly, I’m sorry your current crush gets married in college and I’m sorry your next crush won’t give you the time of day and I’m sorry your amazing SAT scores still weren’t enough for Columbia and I’m sorry that I didn’t try in high school because maybe if I did, they would have been. And I’m sorry you lose touch with your current best friends but it’s okay, really. And I’m sorry but no, the boys in high school don’t ever give you the attention you for some reason want but they’re all fat and bald now and you’re somehow even more pretty.

And I know it might not sound like it but you are so happy right now. You get that sister-like best friend you always wanted, you stay up until 5am laughing your ass off with friends and strangers more times than you can count, you still have abs, you get more boys than you know what to do with, you graduate the best college you could have chosen summa cum laude, you have neighbors that show up at your door with wine and ice cream (yes, seriously), you learn so many new games and expressions that you love, Grandma makes it to 100, Uncle Rich is still the coolest uncle around, and it takes 7 more years but you finally get your first puppy.

Oh but most of all, you haven’t lost sight of who you are. And you never, ever can. Shine bright, you crazy diamond. I love you and everything you become.
I never liked sleeping with other people. I would get too hot or my arm would go numb and I would inevitably pry myself away and retreat to my own side of the bed. I never liked sleeping with other people until you fell asleep holding me as if I was a priceless treasure that someone might try to steal from you in the middle of the night. I still wake up periodically throughout the night but now I wake up to your kisses on my shoulder and I briefly realize how happy I am before drifting back to sleep. No, I never liked sleeping with other people but then again, I’ve never liked any of those people as much as I like you.
—  Letters to you (7-21-2015)

I still check my phone 
in hope of seeing your name
but it is becoming less frequent.

I still check in with my heart
to see if it’s still black with bruises
but this too, is becoming less frequent.

I am alive.
I am hurting.
I am breathing.
It will all be okay.

—  1st August 2017// 15:12 p.m.
before i met you,
i used to be able to close my eyes and see stars.
i used to be able to look in the mirror and day by day accept how i look.
i used to be able to laugh so hard i had tears streaming down my face and my stomach sore.
i used to be able to sit in a room quietly and in content.
i used to be able to smile genuinely.
when i met you,
i made you the sun, and i a planet, and i revolved my whole world around you.
i made your words into the only way i saw myself.
i made your jokes the funniest and others’ boring and even i couldn’t tell when my laugh was authentic.
i made your last words to me the only thing that i could think of and couldn’t concentrate on anything else.
i made your emotions control mine.
after i left you,
i began to close my eyes and see the entire galaxy within myself.
i began to realize my worth and let my beauty within shine through.
i began to laugh more and laugh harder to the point i could barely breathe.
i began to fill my silences with music and singing at the top of my lungs or thoughtful words on paper.
i began to feel genuine happiness.
—  i.r.p // you won the battle, but i won the war
I’m writing to tell you
 
it hurts.
 
On the best days, he tastes like too much red wine
and it’s only now that it is easier for him
to tell you he loves you—
to tell you
what you wait/deserve/want
to hear.
After the bar, he fairytales into late night laughter
and falling asleep bare-skinned.
These have become the best nights,
and my sweetheart, they come so seldom.
 
It is now that you avoid eye contact
with the letters you wrote to yourself
at fifteen;
how she would shake her fists
and tell me she grew up
to be stronger than this–
that we didn’t bruise to become softer,
we didn’t love so damn hard
because we wanted silence.
 
More than I can paint in letters,
this hurts.
 
After you,
I don’t know if I’ll ever trust again.
After you,
is a life I never pictured.
—  Schuyler Peck, I Will Cross This River

Heartbreak never truly goes away.

Eventually, you stop crying yourself to sleep and the self-blame will dim. The questions as to why you weren’t good enough along with all that lost time spent in the shower retracing your last conversation will also stop too.

However, it will not be easy.

You are still going to wake up with them in your mind for weeks to come and similarly, they will be all you can think about before you sleep. Heartbreak is a bit like love in that respect, you think about them constantly except the thoughts are painful this time around.

Indeed, there are moments where you find shelter from these thoughts, a hot chocolate with a friend or an essay that requires your full attention. Your favourite song will come on but then that shuffled sad song will follow and trigger the thoughts all over again. This is inevitable so when it catches you off guard, let it all out. Do all you must to wash away the sadness. Call a friend, bake some cookies, go and lie on the floor with your dog and tell him you’re glad he wouldn’t ever hurt you like this.

Your heart will miss them so much it will use any excuse to search for them. The same model car they have will drive by while you are laughing away with your friends and suddenly you cannot breathe.
You might see someone with the same curly hair or the way the person sitting in front of you on the bus drums their fingers to a song will remind you of them. This too, is inevitable. Try to appreciate these small quirks because regardless of where you have ended up, these were once pieces of a puzzle that led to you falling in love and that is a beautiful thing.

Most importantly of all, you are going to want to run to them. You are going to want to share your day- whether it be good or bad- purely out of habit. You will miss the way they told you terrible jokes or sent you pictures of your favourite breed dog just to bring a smile to your face for the first time that day. You will miss how excited they got when you were excited- how happy they got when you were happy. Allow yourself to grieve this absence but remind yourself that they aren’t the only person who would be willing to devote so much effort to cheering you up. Let your loved ones know you’re sad and soak in the warmth of their kind words. 

And then, suddenly, a few weeks have passed and you think of them for the first time in three days and you realise that you are healing. You start to fill your time with people and things that make you happy. You suddenly crave adventure and new experiences and anything that makes you feel alive again. You stop beating yourself up and start to defend your corner like you are your own best friend. You put your hands up and admit your contribution to the downfall of it all but the difference is, you refuse to defend them any longer. You validate your pain and tell yourself that it is okay to hurt and that you just need time- the art of healing requires the same patience as a few broken bones.

The bond with your friends will strengthen if you let them in- please let them in. Spend time with them and regularly express how much you appreciate them. Feel good about telling loved ones that you love them. Do not shy away from this term because your heart is broken. Please remind yourself that this is not the end for you. Do not console yourself with the whole there are other fish in the sea rubbish because I know that despite how much pain they have caused, you still want them and you will continue to want them for a very long time. Instead, console yourself with the thought that your heart may be in two right now but bones do that sometimes and with a little support, healing is inevitable.

My darling, to break may not be beautiful while you’re going through it but it is, don’t you see? Even a glow stick has to crack to shine; think of how proud you will be when one day you can smile at yourself in the mirror and mean it again.

—  Heartbreak 101.
i dream of us being together. me and you laughing and smiling. driving through the city listening to music. being able to do homework together in silence because we’re just simply enjoying each other’s company. sitting down watching the sunset and laying down looking up at the stars. being able to look at you and think to myself about how lucky i am to call you mine.
—  excerpt from a book i’ll never write #14 // but it will only ever be a dream
No, I don’t care how many times he apologized or how many nights you spent crying over him. You can never go back to him, you can’t let him play you ever again. I know he’s been your best friend for years and that once upon a time he told you he loved you, but HE left you. He decided he didn’t want you, so now you have to move on and know that you are worthy. He’s going to regret leaving and he’ll come right back, but no you can never go back to him.
—  Letters to myself @iloveyouforeverandmore
I hope you get the chance to meet someone at a bar that makes you want to stay out until 3am on a Wednesday.

I hope that same girl laughs at your stupid jokes and will go to sci-fi movies with you.

I hope you one day have coworkers that value your opinions and make you excited to go to work in the morning and leave drawings on your desk.

I hope that one Christmas morning you get to see the look on your daughters face when you surprise her with a puppy.

I hope you have sons that look just like you and appreciate spending time with you because I know you’ll be at every soccer game.

I hope you can go to sleep easily knowing that people love you and your efforts are worth it.

I really just hope that one day you’re genuinely, seriously happy and you forget about everything that ever hurt you, including me.

The phrase “love of my life” always sounded so dramatic to me because if there are over 6 billion people on the Earth, how is it truly possible that one person was made just for you? But then, there was you. And you broke my heart. And I moved on to date other people except that I didn’t because you were always sat in the very centre of my heart with your legs swinging.

Every hand I held, every date, every kiss: it was you my heart whined for. So answer me- is this how it’s always going to be now? Am I going to live my life and fall in love but always wish it was you in the back of my mind because if so, if I am always going to want you then that’s not fair on those who love me with all they have. In that case, maybe I am better off alone.

—  I cannot unlove you and it terrifies me.
i hate you. i hate how you made me fall for you so much harder than you fell for me. i hate how you made me believe you would never leave. i hate how all of your “i love you"s were all lies. i hate how you made me so dependent on you. i hate how you left me in the dust and forgot about me. i hate how i let you come and go as you pleased. i hate how i hate myself because of you. i hate how i dont hate you.
—  excerpt from a book i’ll never write #11 // not only did you leave me but you took my self love with you

I long for you. I, who usually long without longing as though I am unconscious and absorbed in neutrality and apathy, really, utterly, long for you // Franz Kafka.