letter to myself

I. You do not need a boy to buy expensive, lacy underwear. Wear it for yourself. You look great. Never let anyone convince you otherwise.

II. If you spend all your time waiting for things to happen, you’re letting other people control your fate. Time won’t wait for you. Get a move on.

III. Living off the scraps of love from other people will leave you hungry. Grow to love yourself and you won’t die of starvation.

IV. Learn when to care and when to laugh it off. If somebody hurts you, tell them. If they hurt you again, leave.

V. Life is too short to spend it sad. You don’t need approval to turn up the music and dance like you’re America’s next model. You look funny. Learn to stop caring.

VI. If it’s edible and you’re hungry, eat it. If it’s edible and you want to eat it, eat it. If it’s edible and you’re full , convince the girl in the corner who looks like she’s starving to have it. Tell her she’s goddamn beautiful and repeat it until she smiles.

VII. If he doesn’t call you after your first argument, he won’t call you after your last. If his arms are slack when you make up, he hasn’t let it go. If he can’t look you in the eye when he says he loves you, he’s lying. And if he watches you walk away with tears in your eyes, he’s not the one.

VIII. Your mother went through nine months of hell for you and prepared herself to go through another eighteen years of it. She does not deserve your impatience because some boy did not notice you at school.

IX. Your emotions may not make sense and sometimes you will be irrational, but they will always be valid. You are allowed to cry if you are hurt. You are allowed to find bad jokes funny. And you are allowed to scream if you want to, but it is better to laugh.

X. You are not perfect but that does not give other people the right to use it against you. Stop apologizing for everything. It will not make you more likable. Take responsibility for yourself and demand respect, not compliments.

XI. No one can tell you the meaning of life. Happy people are the ones who have found their own meaning.

—  #70 “To the girl who sits on the kitchen floor with red eyes”

your parents don’t have to starve you and beat you constantly to be physically abusive.

some parents manipulate their kids into starving themselves. “you need to diet. you look awful. you’re getting fat. you aren’t going to get a date looking like that.”

some parents scare their kids by threatening violence. “I’d beat you if you acted like that. You’re lucky I don’t come over there and slap you.”

some parents are physically abusive without hitting or punching. some parents pull hair and pinch and grab throats. some shove and push and spank. 

though a lot of these behaviors are common, that doesn’t mean they’re normal and you are valid if these behaviors caused you fear. physical abuse is more than the movies show.

10

bucky’s trigger words + the thirteen letters, by dropdead-dream and whatarefears

youtube

Dear Me, at 17 (CC)

Today marks the 7th anniversary of the first time I uploaded a video to my YouTube channel. So here’s me talking a bit about that!

Apologies to a 15 year old me

I’m sorry I’ve dyed and cut and permanently straightened your hair so much- it was better the way it was and now it will never be the same.

I’m sorry I quit gymnastics- I know you loved it. And soccer and track and tennis and skiing and the piano. I’m so, so sorry- I was lazy. But you don’t regret it as much as you thought you would.

I’m sorry I didn’t use more of that cream on your scar or maybe I’m sorry I used as much as I did- because now, 10 years later, you’re still not comfortable with it and it puts a strain on a lot of your relationships. But know that you’ve grown to accept that it’s part of who you are and there is no “you” without that scar.

I’m sorry I hurt that boy you cared about so much once you finally got him. You’ll know who I’m talking about in 3 years. That is something I didn’t mean, that was a mistake.

On the topic of boys, I’m sorry I’ve talked to and done more with boys you would never have wanted me to talk to. But you’ll understand what it’s like to not use your brain. It’ll take a few years because you always use yours now and you won’t start actually drinking until junior year of college. But one day in 2009 and then again in 2011 and 2016, you’ll understand what it’s like to fall so quickly for someone you shouldn’t.

I’m sorry that I didn’t live up to everything you and everyone else knew I could be. I’m sorry that I haven’t been able to buy dad a car yet and I didn’t get into Harvard Law and I don’t have a secret modeling career on the side. I’m also sorry that everyone else led you to believe you could do anything in the world and be amazing at it because sometimes that’s just not possible and it has nothing to do with you or how amazing you are.

I’m sorry you eventually forget most of your languages and stop trying to learn them but you pick up a little bit of a few new ones and you eventually make it out of the country. And sorry, but you hate it.

Lastly, I’m sorry your current crush gets married in college and I’m sorry your next crush won’t give you the time of day and I’m sorry your amazing SAT scores still weren’t enough for Columbia and I’m sorry that I didn’t try in high school because maybe if I did, they would have been. And I’m sorry you lose touch with your current best friends but it’s okay, really. And I’m sorry but no, the boys in high school don’t ever give you the attention you for some reason want but they’re all fat and bald now and you’re somehow even more pretty.

And I know it might not sound like it but you are so happy right now. You get that sister-like best friend you always wanted, you stay up until 5am laughing your ass off with friends and strangers more times than you can count, you still have abs, you get more boys than you know what to do with, you graduate the best college you could have chosen summa cum laude, you have neighbors that show up at your door with wine and ice cream (yes, seriously), you learn so many new games and expressions that you love, Grandma makes it to 100, Uncle Rich is still the coolest uncle around, and it takes 7 more years but you finally get your first puppy.

Oh but most of all, you haven’t lost sight of who you are. And you never, ever can. Shine bright, you crazy diamond. I love you and everything you become.

I still miss you but it’s not the same anymore. I won’t call and I refuse to let my hands reach out for you because I have learned the hard way that you are not a place I can rest upon. You were never a safe place for me to reside in and there was nothing sacred about the way you disarmed me if it was only for your convenience. I became soft for you. I lost my fear of stepping out into the open and I did it for you. I never should have. I should have retrieved my heart on the day where all the casualties began to pile up on my side of the battlefield. And even then, in the death of everything good that I used to be, I still found ways to love you. Maybe they weren’t always good. But I did my best. Even from here, years after the soil has forgotten all the blood I spilled there, I am still loving you in the only way I know how- with my hands at my side, a phone call log that doesn’t remember your phone number and a heart that still loves you but has grown too tired to try to make a home amidst your war zone.

8

I like things that are eye-openers, I like learning, I like experiencing, and I said that I enjoy coming upon new things. And so I am the type to try everything. That way, I can inform the people that I like and I can be of help. When people say they’ll do something, I can recount my experience and that will help them. I think that also includes how I see the world. So I think I will challenge all kinds of things.

— wishing my prince & my one and only sehun a very happy birthday ♡ (12.04)

Some days, I just really need you all over again. I recognize the fact that I ought to be without you–and I’ve become very good at being alone–but sometimes I just don’t want to be. Sometimes I need you to slide your hands down to my hips and to pull me into your chest like I mean as much to you as I used to. Some days it’s comforting to just remember what it was like to be addicted.
—  🖤

An encouraging letter to myself, for the second year in a row. Day 29 of the December challenge by @journaling-junkie. Also I’m going to start including the names of the pens, inks, and other important materials in the captions.

  • Pen: Pilot Vanishing Point, Extra Fine
  • Ink: De’Atramentis Pine Green
Dear Middle School Me,
In these three years of your life, you are going to go through some pretty crazy highs and lows and ups and downs. You’re going to hit rock bottom a couple of times, but you’re also going to find that the rainbow comes right after the hurricane and you’re going to be really really happy. I promise. I know that it might seem like you’re worthless compared to your friends or that no one pays enough attention to you to notice how sad you really are or you’re untalented and won’t ever be good enough or you’re undeserving of love. You’re not. I promise you that you are not. For a long time you’re going to surround yourself with people who don’t believe in you and people who care more about themselves than your feelings and people who you think are saving you, but are actually just numbing it for a while. You are going to feel so so so lost and alone and you’re going to leave middle school a little smarter, but with no idea who you are or what you want or where you are going. But you also leave middle school knowing who to keep around, who to part ways with, and most importantly, who will support you and make you feel loved and happy and wonderful all the time. Even at your worst. High school is going to open your eyes to who you are and what you’ll become and it’s so freaking exciting. I know you may not see a clear or realistic direction for yourself, but there is one. And spoiler alert: you won’t find it in middle school. You see, everything that seems so big and so wild and so important in middle school really aren’t. They’ll seem so huge and momentous and life-changing, but once they’re over and your world gets a little bigger, those things seem so trivial. You’re going to sob your eyes out at graduation because you will never talk to most of those people again, and you’re right. You won’t. But the thing is that you won’t need to, and won’t even particularly want to. Because when you’re forced to step away and look at your life from an even further perspective, you don’t need a million people to like you, or even love you- you only need the ones who matter. And the people who matter to you now will be so different in a year and two years and three years down the line, but that’s for you to discover. Just remember that middle school is not your peak and it is not the most important part of your life and the people you consider family will be strangers within a year or two. Maybe that’s sad and maybe it isn’t, but I promise that it’s okay and it’s exciting and it’s not as horrible as it probably sounds to you right now. Know that there are people that love you and people in your future that will be so worth meeting. Know that you’re loved and even though you’ll do a lot (A LOT) of really stupid things, you won’t regret a single one because they’ll make great stories someday and even though they’ll make you cringe, at least you know that you’re an original and not just another vanilla human being. Enjoy not having to worry about finals or college or your future ahead of you, because once you hit 9th grade it all comes crashing in at once. Enjoy not being old enough to stay up after 11 and enjoy not having to be at 14 hour rehearsals and actually having free time. Enjoy not having braces. Enjoy being a kid, actually a kid, without having to worry about *dun dun dun* looming adulthood. You’ll be okay, even when you don’t think you’ll be and the best is always right around the corner. Always. Even if it’s a really long corner.
Love Always,
Me
—  A Letter to Middle School Me

Dear me,

I still love you. Even
when I don’t want to.

Your dreams are
significant. You are
not small. You are
still worthy no matter
what.

I hope you’re happy.
and if not, I hope you
remember that it can only be
found in yourself.
& nature
and music.
Hold on to those things
and you will be okay.

—  Day two/Letter to my future self
No matter how hard it is, just run. Just keep going. It really doesn’t matter if you fly or run or walk or even crawl– honestly, it’s reaching that line and looking back and thinking, hey I did that. I mean, it’s better to look back and go ‘Wow I can’t believe I came so far’ than to look forward and go 'damn, I never did reach’.
—  daily letter to all you lovely people (with some inspiration from RUN by BTS) 

to my younger self,
i hope you can find it in you to forgive me. i know you already forgave everyone else for all the hurt they caused you, because you’re so good at that, but forgive yourself. forgive the little girl crying in the dark because she thought it was her fault that everyone was always fighting. forgive the fragile soul that was so scared of doing anything wrong because she thought she made everyone leave. forgive the weak and dark parts of yourself. and tuck them away. do not make them more than they are. you spent so long sad that you forgot what happy feels like for years. you forgot what laughter tasted like, you forgot how it felt to have a smile dance across your face, you forgot what it’s like to feel love, to be sweet, to be at peace. but don’t worry, you find it eventually; in yourself, in the world, and in others. – i’m sorry i was so cruel to you, i’m sorry i always locked you away, dimmed you down, and shut you up. i am trying to let myself grow now, i hope you’re proud of who i’ve become and who i’m trying so hard to be.

2

turn off the lights // panic! at the disco