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Dear Future Girlfriend Pt. 2

Listen. If I’m in, then I’m all in. I’m not going anywhere. I don’t care if we fight or disagree on shit, or if you have to ask me to remind you every day that you’re the one I want. I don’t care if you have scars, or if small spaces freak you out, or if I have to be the one to call the pizza place because phone calls give you anxiety. I don’t care if you need to wake me up in the middle of the night because you had a bad dream. I don’t care if you need to call me while I’m at work because you just want to hear my voice. I don’t care if we need to approach new chapters of our life together slowly so that you feel more comfortable. I don’t care if things are a bit more complicated or if things take time. If I love you, I love all of you. I’m not just “putting up” with the things you ask of me, because you are not an inconvenience and your needs are not something that need to be “put up” with. You are a priority, you are important, and nothing that you need from me in our relationship will ever be perceived as too much. If we’re together then I don’t ever want you to feel like you are a burden to me. I want you to see me as your person, your safety, your comfort, your home. I’ll never judge you and I’ll never turn my back on you. You never have to be afraid around me. You never have to doubt my feelings for you. You never have to worry. Things will get difficult, but everything will always be okay. I promise.

Twenty things I’ve learned in Twenty Years

1. Life will break you down until you’re crawling on your hands and knees, until you feel like you are Atlas holding the world upon your shoulders, until you feel like the raging inferno inside of your chest is going to combust. These are the moments that will forge you in a fire and make you more unbreakable than diamonds.

2. We are made of stardust, at least that’s what they say. I remember someone told me that every atom in my body once belonged to a star that exploded. At night I stare at my hands and wonder when I will erupt. I know now that I cannot trust anyone else to keep me whole in the darkest hours of the night but my own two star infused arms.

3. You will fall in love, and that is okay. Sometimes we need to fall in love to remember that there is good out there. Fall in love with the boy who opens the door for you, fall in love with your boss who works too hard, fall in love with the woman who hands out roses on that one street corner, fall in love with yourself.

4. They weren’t lying when they said we accept the love we think we deserve. I grew up being told I was a mistake and so I adopted the idea that no one could ever love a mistake. I was wrong (they were wrong) and now it’s up to me to prove them wrong. Don’t believe the things they said, you are so much more than the toxins they tried to poison you with.

5. Close your eyes, count to ten, and open them again. You are not alone. I know it may feel like you are the only one, but believe me when I say that you aren’t. I was where you are, and now I have talked to more people that have been through much worse than I than I would like to admit to. You are never alone, not really.

6. Music can save. Play it as loud as you can with the windows down as you drive (probably a little too fast). Play it while you are at work and while you are in the shower and play it when you want to give up in the middle of the day and when you want to give up in the middle of the night. Just play the music that tugs at your heartstrings, it may save you.

7. Nothing in life is easy, not really. You will catch a few breaks here and there, but the rest of the time you will find yourself fighting tooth and nail to make it back to the top. Don’t give up, I almost did this year and if I had I wouldn’t be able to witness what the sun looks like shining in her eyes.

8. You will have scars, and that’s fine. We all have them but it’s up to you if you want to hide them or show your battle wounds to the world so they know how strong of a warrior you are, so they know not to fuck with you.

9. Watch the sunrise, and watch the sunset. There is something about the sun that screams life; let the light bleed into you and consume you until you shine with it. Sometimes it’s the simple things we are missing in life that we need the most.

10. They will say they love you and then they will turn around and break your heart. You cannot compare your life’s worth to the empty spaces that were once filled around you. People will leave (willing or not) and life will go on. Let life go on.

11. If you are under the impression you are broken, then it is up to you to decide if you are or not. It took me years to admit that I was never quite whole, but when I did it was the most freeing feeling ever. Brokenness does not take away from perfection, and you are the very definition of perfect.

12. It’s okay to let people in, you don’t need to cage yourself away from the rest of the world, don’t forget to live your life while you pursue safeness.

13. Hobbies will save you when all else fails you, find a hobby and stick to it. When the world feels all too loud, a hobby can make you go deaf.

14. The moment you realize Wonder Woman or any other superhero you idolized as a child is not going to swoop down and save you is when your life changes. You have to be your own hero in this world. Stop waiting for someone to save you and go save yourself.

15. They are gone, she took her own life and he died in a car crash and she died from cancer and he left. You cannot live your life counting how many people that held a piece of your heart vanished, I’m not saying to forget about them I’m just saying that it’s okay to say goodbye.  

16. It’s okay to cry; cry in the shower and in bed and in your car, being sad is okay as long as you don’t let it consume you.

17. Smile as much as you can even on the bad days.

18. For God’s sake, don’t let them ruin you. You are so strong, you’ve made it this far and that means you can make it another day. If you can get through today you can get through tomorrow and every day that follows. If you feel like you can’t get through the day then sit down and don’t move until the light is peaking in through your window.

19. Never say never. If you think you can’t do something try anyway, this is your life, you are the main character of your own story, but you are also the author of your story. Write it however you want, but don’t give up halfway through.

20. Just don’t take your life. While this is something I learned this year I’m also writing this as a reminder to myself and to you. Don’t do it, please. There can be more to life than what you are feeling right now, don’t rob yourself of the beauty of this world. Don’t give up, no matter how much it hurts.
—  An open letter to myself, and to you. (Sometimes I write until I run out of words) ALightLitInTheDark
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10 LGBTQ books that are essential for YA readers on HelloGiggles

I never liked sleeping with other people. I would get too hot or my arm would go numb and I would inevitably pry myself away and retreat to my own side of the bed. I never liked sleeping with other people until you fell asleep holding me as if I was a priceless treasure that someone might try to steal from you in the middle of the night. I still wake up periodically throughout the night but now I wake up to your kisses on my shoulder and I briefly realize how happy I am before drifting back to sleep. No, I never liked sleeping with other people but then again, I’ve never liked any of those people as much as I like you.
—  Letters to you (7-21-2015)
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I like things that are eye-openers, I like learning, I like experiencing, and I said that I enjoy coming upon new things. And so I am the type to try everything. That way, I can inform the people that I like and I can be of help. When people say they’ll do something, I can recount my experience and that will help them. I think that also includes how I see the world. So I think I will challenge all kinds of things.

— wishing my prince & my one and only sehun a very happy birthday ♡ (12.04)

Go outside, take a breath
Spin around, and let out a laugh
Because it’s never going to feel this way again

Hum on the subway, text them first
Smile at strangers, it could be worse
And it’s never going to feel this way again

Drink it in and hold me tighter
Because this world keeps getting wider
And it’s never going to feel this way again

I don’t want to sit back and let life fly away
I want to touch it, breathe it, carve it in my bones
I want to fall hard, crash and burn
Under city skylines and stars and birds
Because it’s never going to feel this way again

Buy that new book you’ve been adoring
Take that dare you’ve been ignoring
Because it’s never going to feel this way again

Take a train, call a cab
Lean out the window and grab his hand
Because it’s never going to feel this way again

I don’t want to be restrained to a vanilla life
I want to taste it, hold it, savor every drop
I want to jump off cliffs and freeze and fly
Fill up every second until I die
Because it’s never going to feel this way again

Let your heart be young
Let moments sing, and always be listening
Because they’re never going to sound like that again

Lean in, kiss quick, then slip away
Sleep in, ride your bike far away
Go on adventures, leap and run
Don’t be afraid to love someone

Because it’ll never feel this way again

—  It’s Never Going to Feel This Way Again