here, have a preview of upholstered furniture, a reality/movie star au based on this:
(7:22 am) Did you see the casting news yet? For Boy Who Lived?
(8:15 am) fuck off its sunday
(8:16 am) Ronald.
(8:17 am) unless they chose to go with an actual fucking cgi flamingo i dont give a shit right now and it can wait until tomorrow
(8:19 am) It really can’t. Harry’s going to fire you when he finds out.
(8:19 am) ??????? get ur blasphemous ass back to church no he’s not
(8:20 am) Yes, he is. It was YOUR idea to scrap the mandatory screen test.
(8:23 am) omg what is ur DAMAGE screen tests r dumb af harry hates them
(8:24 am) And sometimes you have to act as his AGENT, not his best friend, and advise him to do the things he hates, Ronald. Like screen tests.
(8:25 am) thx for the fortune cookie fun fact i’ll pass it on to harry’s latest oscar nom ok
(8:29 am) Check Variety. They reported on the casting this morning. There was a “leak” at the studio. Naturally.
(8:32 am) harrys gonna fucking fire me ur right
BREAKING: Hurricane Hollywood star tapped for female lead in Paramount’s Boy Who Lived
October 11, 2016. Los Angeles.
Well, it’s official. Seemingly permanent tabloid staple Pansy Parkinson (Hurricane Hollywood; The Hottie and the Nottie), better known for her outrageous late-night party antics than she is for her acting prowess, has been cast as Harry Potter’s (Under the Stairs) on-screen love interest for the futuristic dystopian thriller, Boy Who Lived, slated for release by Paramount sometime in Summer 2018. While Parkinson has been persistently vocal about her desire to make the transition from her Cristal throne in Vegas to the slightly more respectable silver screen, this will be her first role in a major motion picture.
Studio insiders claim that Parkinson endured a particularly grueling audition process, beating out three different test groups dating all the way back to March of this year. Sources tell us that filming for her latest project, a reality show with an exclusive focus on the ex-wives of professional athletes—aptly titled Forever Young—will not interfere with her obligations to the Boy Who Lived franchise, which is expected to start production early next month in rural Montana.
Harry Potter was not immediately available for a comment.
Harry J. Potter @scarhead – 48 m
this just in: hell is real
Harry J. Potter @scarhead – 39 m
lol 4 years at juilliard so i can pretend to survive the apocalypse with the girl who got famous tying a cherry stem in a knot with her tongue on fucking youtube
Harry J. Potter @scarhead – 35 m
genuinely thought this whole thing was just a really shitty joke tbh
Harry J. Potter @scarhead – 31 m
@hollywoodreporter i feel like i should preemptively inform you that it’s Not Me in the sex tape she’s going to plant on your desk in 6 months
Harry J. Potter @scarhead – 28 m
what’s that? oh, just the sound of my golden globe flinging itself out an upstairs window. run, forest, run!
Harry J. Potter @scarhead – 24 m
what’s @therealpansyp going to do when she figures out it’s a lot easier to slurp tequila out of cormac mclaggen’s six pack than it is to cry in front of a green screen
Harry J. Potter @scarhead – 22 m
is there an over/under on the 2018 razzies yet i’d like to get in on that while i still can
Harry J. Potter @scarhead – 4 m
what an embarrassing day to call yourself a casting director
Harry J. Potter @scarhead – 2 m
i’m done now
Pansy Parkinson @therealpansyp – 1 m
@scarhead thanks for the shout out! super psyched to work w/ you too! xoxo
E! News EXCLUSIVE: Pansy Parkinson talks about growing up in the Bible Belt, unexpectedly scoring the role of a lifetime, and weathering that nasty Twitter storm from her future co-star!
When Harry finally meets Pansy Parkinson—for real, in person, not during some vaguely menacing FaceTime call instigated by the Boy Who Lived producers—he kind of expects something else to happen.
He kind of expects her to punch him, actually, because he’d watched three and a half episodes of her reality show during a Beef-and-Brewskis binge with Ron over the past weekend and Harry had kept a running tally of how many drinks she’d thrown on self-described “club rat sewer skanks” and he’d run out of fingers before giving up, so.
He’s expecting her to punch him. Kick him, maybe. In the balls. With one of those terrifying stiletto heels and the gold-plated brass knuckles she’d shown off on a sidebar for her Puerto Vallarta Spring Break special.
She doesn’t punch him, though.
Instead, Pansy Parkinson flounces through the double-doors leading out to the private airstrip, rolling a surprisingly compact Louis Vuitton suitcase behind her—and, Jesus Christ, she’s got on a pair of enormous white sunglasses and a belted rabbit fur vest—and when she sees him…she pauses. It’s minute, the slight, barely-there shift in her posture, but Harry catches it, regardless, because he’s looking for it.
And then she flashes him a smile, all bright white teeth and dark red lipstick, and it’s sharp, cutting, almost dangerous, and he has the swift, entirely unwelcome thought that he’d made a very, very, very grave error in underestimating her.
As if to hammer the point home, she fucking hugs him after that. Just—flings her arms around his neck and presses her deceptively small, improbably warm body right up against his, arching up on her tip-toes to whisper in his hear—not for the cameras, not for the bystanders, not for the world she’s quite obviously had claimed as her stage since puberty—
“This is going to be so much fun, isn’t it?”
And he remembers, suddenly, why he was so fucking furious about all of this.