This still creeps me out. Me and my 6 month old went to go visit my sister who lives two hours away and i wanted to show off my new baby monitor. Now this some @sixpenceee shit.

(I waited till Halloween to post this ooh well)

Edit: okay okay there’s typos sorry here’s the long story. I WAS gunna wait till Halloween to post this. Me and my baby left 2 hours away to visit my sister, something the shape of a baby is seen in the crib (which is spoopy as hell). That’s not my kid btw if people are still confused. The lights that look like eyes is just a street light across the street (took me a while to realize that) What is not mentioned is when we were looking at it the legs were moving in a stomping motion like when someone’s mad. Let’s just say I stayed at my sister’s for a week and we no longer use the camera.
OUAT 5x05 - 'Dreamcatcher'

I watched OUAT because, as much as it pains me to say this, A&E’s episodes are the best ones because they focus on what the show is really about – we get great Emma + Regina moments.

There was a moment in particular that impressed me: the porch scene.

Keep reading

Please stop.

Stop listening to predictions. Truth blogs, truth vlogs, whatever. Just stop. Stop believing to people because they say something. Start implying cold logic instead of emotions.

Re: the band not coming back: are you kidding me that the most ever money-hungry team is not squeezing the last dime out of this band and just lets this go? If you ignore the twenty interviews where they pledged to come back (which you shouldn’t btw) you still cannot give an explanation to why they did not tour mitam while touring is what brings the big bucks, you can’t explain Simon’s behavior and the huge contrast with what you see from the boys. They took to their twitter to promise to come back the moment the Sun broke this bullshit, they pinky promised, they said in Sheffield *we will see you soon*. I am not saying they never lied because of course they did. I am not saying we should believe they come back because Harry Styles said so in Sheffield on Oct 31st. I am just saying that this is so uncharacteristical for the boys to go this hard against the official narrative that it is worth raising some eyebrows. They could have broken it up. Could have ended it and no one would have blamed them. It was not needed to speak up, to pledge and make promises. They did not need to reassure the fans but they did. Hell we have a leaving member example and it is not even a similar situation. Them not coming back makes no sense. Business-wise, PR-wise, marketing-wise, their body language was not of a lying person. Look at everything when you analyze the situation. Nothing adds up. Please stop projecting your own fears on this. /tagged/this-is-not-the-end, /tagged/1d-about-hiatus

Re: Larry still being together: I just don’t get how this is a question still?? First of all in Dec up to the ski trip they had aligned mia times, then Harry lands at LAX one day before the *birth* and stays with Louis this whole time, even leaving with him when he has the Brits16. They stay mia and then show up in LA again at the same time and this whole time stay together in LA. I am talking about months here, not days. They have had aligned mia times and they have reappeared the same day. This has been happenig for years!!! There were at least two-three times when they were pictured with fans only a few blocks away. For a band not coming back and for a couple not being together they sure as hell do everything in a coordinated manner. Harry stayed till the last minute before he went to shoot the movie. And even now they are mia and the media uses throwback pictures since Louis left MEX. Which I am totally not sold that he stayed there for a week. Danielle was seen in LA and Louis went MIA. All Louis and Danielle needed was to get back to MEX and have a leaving pic and that *covers* his mia time in between. It is so transparent. They are no longer forced to be on different planets. And this is me implying logic. Ignoring their deep love that shines through whenever they look at each other, the level of commitment one and even more complementary tattoos mean and the level of commitment these same theme songs (i love you more than anything) they have been writing about/to each other mean.

Re: Harry going solo. You understand that this rumor has been going on for years, right? That this is nothing new. But boy did he not act on it. He never did. As far as I know and correct me if I am wrong: he is not the one who left. He is not the one aiming for a solo career. If he had wanted to go solo he could have already. And they would have kept it a huge fucking secret. Instead of recycling this boring old narrative. This is NOT how you start and promote a solo career to lie for months that it is not going to happen and then it suddenly happens. This is not how we know Harry as a person to be. We know very well who wants solo Harry to happen and they never made a secret out of it. Why is it this hard to still focus on 1) his personality 2) his opinion about fame 3) his reaction every time awards or interviewers wanted to single him out 4) how an actual solo career is prepared 5) how this aligns with what OT has been saying and wanting for years 6) how Harry simply doesn’t want it. 7) how easily they would have broken up the band amicably and would have had the full support of ot3 for Harry’s solo career 8) songwriting and having songs written on ascap doesn’t mean a solo album 8) Lilo and Niall have just as many unreleased songs as Harry if not more. 9) how mitam promo felt like the beginning and not the end of something. /tagged/solo-harry

Re: babygate: what else can I say that we haven’t already? It was fake before it even began. /tagged/babygate-masterpost

Re: Louis wanting to stay closeted: for someone who wants to stay closeted he sure as fuck succeeds in confirming that he doesn’t. /tagged/louis-closet, /tagged/louis-and-girls

Take all of me. I just want to be the girl you like, the kind of girl you like is right here with me. I’m in my penthouse half naked. I cooked this meal for you naked. So where the hell you at? One last shot in this glass, don’t make me break it. Wish that you were me so you could feel this feeling. I never broke one promise and I know when you’re not honest…Let me sit this ass on you and show you how I feel. Let me take this off while you watch me. Don’t take your eyes off it. Watch it, babe. If you like, touch it babe. So you want to touch it, babe? …. I’ve been watching for the signs, took a trip to clear my mind and now I’m even more lost…I just want to say you’re mine.

Partition leading into Jealous and Rocket. ending with Mine.

My interpretation of these two albums, when juxtaposed, is they are part 1 and 2 of the same album. Beyoncé (B5) is the story of a wife desperately trying to reel in a philandering husband and save a marriage gone sour. She’s trying to “win him” back by nearly constant and on-demand sex and playing into his fantasies. She actually tries to be his unreasonable fantasy because she’s still thinking it has anything to do with her. That whole if I were more this or more that then he wouldn’t stray thing women are trained to think even though it’s a total lie. She has other things she’s dealing with at the same time which have helped put her in this vulnerable state and respond to this as if it’s a problem with her and not him. Lemonade (B6) is when she remembers the teachings of her mother and grandmother and remembers who she is. Lemonade is when she thinks about how women are always made to carry the full emotional burden of making it work and expected to forgive. They don’t just hope we will, but actually expect we will and we’ve somehow betrayed them if we don’t. Lemonade is when she thinks about just how much women endure, why we need each other as much as we do. But she specifically made the Lemonade visuals for Black women by adding the element of race and how we ensure all the same sh** white women deal with, but so much more on account of being Black, whether at the hands of the justice system, the media, White Feminism, or anyone else with power over us.

I also don’t think it’s unrelated that there’s a song where she’s singing to her daughter about holding on and being strong ending with a repeat of Blue asking “can we see Daddy?” ending B5 and the statement “me and my baby gon be alright” on B6.

In the end she chooses to hold him accountable but to forgive him. And she’s not forgiving for any other reason than she really does love him and would like to give him another chance to be a decent husband.

Also not a coincidence that men seemed to love B5 but HATE B6.


(Disclaimer: this is totally another “super creeper” post I know but I’m literally a TnS girlfriend magnet like I cannot make this shit up what am I to do?)

 Okay so minutes before Tegan and Sara came out at fresh in the park Stacy and Tegan’s mystery girlfriend (yes the same one I saw in the soho forever21. I fucken knew it, I’m not crazy) decided to sit two rows away from me. Like they were directly in front of me. Let me say, just like T+S, they are so beautiful and cool looking and stylish and very low key and anyone who wasn’t into Tegan’s gf before pls look again because she’s fucking attractive. So obviously with nothing better to do while waiting for tns to come on and with them directly in front of my fucking face I took notice. One thing I noticed was that Satcy’s iphone background was that picture of Sara in the grey hoodie (How fucking cute I would make that my background too if I was her), which means it was vintage when Sara posted it the next day (U can’t fool me Sara) and I’m pretty sure Tegan’s girlfriend’s background was a picture of Tee with a cat :)) Then when the show started they were dancing and singing and smiling and they looked so happy ugh so sweet. Every now and again Tegan’s girlfriend would look back at me and smile and laugh (presumably because I was jumping up and down like a lunatic and screaming at the top of my lungs) Then after the show they disappeared backstage (after having quite a hard time with the security guards.)


That Time I Designed a Pair of Shoes

I designed a pair of shoes. Well, boots to be exact. Two years ago, I asked Meermin if they had any plans for shell cordovan wingtip boots, as I’ve wanted a pair for a while now. They said they didn’t, but that if I were up to the task, they’d let me design one.

Who could say no to that?

As it turns out, designing shoes is incredibly difficult. Even with a straightforward style such as this one, it can take a while to get the details right. The “wings” on a wingtip, for example, have to be executed with just the right angles and curves in order to look good, and the broguing has to be done with just the right size punches in order to suit the style of the shoes. It took Meermin and me about a year and half to design these – partly because we had to coordinate our schedules, and partly because it takes a while to get prototypes from the factory, which we would then use to make design changes.

Some things did go smoothly, however. I knew that I wanted a pair of smart casual boots – something I could wear with jeans or heavy wool trousers, and pair with anything from casual outerwear to tweed sport coats. Which meant, a lot of the details for the boot came naturally. Meermin’s Rui last, for example, was an obvious choice. It’s shapelier than what you’d find from Alden (thus, a bit “dressier”), but not so sleek that it looks out of place with jeans. The eyelets have visible, untreated brass rings, which give the boots a slightly more casual look than blind eyelets, and the soles are made from two stacked pieces of leather, so that they’d have the visual heft to support the ruggedness of shell cordovan. Being a long time boot wearer, I also knew that speed hooks and pull-tabs were necessary. Boots are worthless when they sit in the back of the closet, and that’s where they end up if they take too much time and effort to put on. 

I’ve worn these for about six months now, and couldn’t be happier with how they turned out. The shell is from Japan, rather than Chicago’s Horween, but the material seems just as good as any of the other shell cordovan shoes I own. The only difference is that it has a slight mottling in its color – sort of like the antique finishes on John Lobb’s antique calf, but much more subtle. I think it gives the leather a really beautiful look.

This past week, Meermin put the design in their general catalog. Those are made from Argentine shell cordovan, which I unfortunately have no experience with. There were early reports of the color on Meermin’s Argentine shell lightening, but some people found the issue to go away once they applied leather conditioner. In any case, the price is about $430 once you deduct for VAT (European taxes). They’re not inexpensive, but they’re much more affordable than any other shell cordovan boots on the market (about half the price, depending on where you go). Like everything else I’ve seen from Meermin, these shoes hit just the right balance between price and quality, which is why I continue to think that the company offers some of the best value in footwear right now. 

(Note, although I designed these boots, I’m not getting any commission off their sale. I did receive a discount on my purchase, however).  

Is the art you are reblogging actually reposted?

Some warning signs:

-the source is “weheartit”
-the source is “ifunny”
-the source is “google”

Those are not reliable sources!

Other signs:

-there are a lot of jpeg artifacts or the quality is otherwise low and “blurry”
-there is no artist comment– usually they say things like “this took me a while!” Or “I hope people like this” or (if it’s on tumblr) they tag it with something like “#my art”, like how i tag my doodles with “#xekstrin arts”

When you think you have encountered some reposted art, it takes just about 5 minutes to do a reverse image search (literally just google “reverse image search” and you can find some reverse search engines who will help you do this!!!) and add the source.

And now you know

And while it might not seem like a big deal to you, let me put it in perspective: Imagine you sat down and wrote a ten page essay– or fanfic, or RP post, whatever– and published it. A few months later while you are scrolling through your favorite tag to see what’s new, you see your fanfic!! But someone else has published it, and it might even have more notes than your original post! They don’t try to claim that THEY wrote it, but they also don’t put a link back to your blog, or acknowledge you at all. If anything, they say, “I don’t know who wrote this, credit to whoever wrote this!!”

How does that make you feel? Not too great, I bet.

And that doesn’t bring into account some artists MAKE THEIR LIVING THROUGH THEIR ART. Taking away views is taking away potential customers, on top of just being plain rude.

So try to have a little empathy, folks.

  • Do not memorize formulas. For me, math formulas are connected to each other. You have to understand how it is derived because once you forget the formula you memorized, it’s over. You’re doomed. Understand every lesson you’re tackling because just like what I said from the very beginning, math concepts are somewhat connected. That when you miss one topic, you’ll have a hard time coping up with the next one.

  • Do not write lectures during discussion. Maybe this one depends on your ability to focus or multitask, but for me, it is better to just focus on your professor. Focus and listen to every word he/she says because sometimes, in his/her discussion he tells the techniques that you can use on your quizzes. Take pictures instead and…
  • Rewrite notes while the topic is still fresh in your brain. Don’t let a week go without reviewing/rewriting notes in Math. While you’re rewriting the notes you took picture of during discussion, try to answer the examples on your own and use the pictures as a help when you no longer forgot/know what to do. This is like practicing already the examples your professor gave you.
  • YouTube it. There comes the time when your professor wasn’t able to make you understand a topic very well and you’re there not knowing what to do. Go on YouTube. There are a lot of Math videos where you can  watch over and over again until you understand the topic. 

  • Practice lots and lots of problems/exercise. Make yourself used to solving a certain problem in math. Every time you answer exercises, you’re using formulas over and over again and that will not let you memorize it (or it kinda does) but it helps you understand the process. At first, you will struggle but when you truly understand it, you’ll enjoy solving problems in math. You’ll have this joy every time you answer correctly, like you’re proud of yourself and you know that you really grasped the concept of that certain topic. And when quiz comes, you’ll be confident that you studied and you understand, and that will lessen the pressure by the time you’re taking the quiz. 

These are based on my opinion only, guys. I hope these tips will help you because it’s my first time posting tips on how to study something. I’m taking an engineering course, so I’ve been having lots of Mathematics. Good luck! :)

Callisto was having a great time at this shindig. It was the first time in a while that she was able to let loose and not have to worry about the repercussions. So, to say she was stepping out of her element just a little was an understatement. It was more like a giant leap. Something she did to get into this heated pool she was currently floating. The girl was nursing her third drink, already feeling a heavy buzz from the tequila shots she took earlier, just watching the crowd around her. She has a small grin along her lips as she saw the individual approach her. “If you’re going make me drink more, I’m going to have to stop you there. That’s not going to happen.” 

A Moment Away

In some small way I share your suffering
having grown to despise this pain you feel
yet regrettably I cannot change anything
as some things only God or time may heal  

Dear friend I’m but a man of simple words
and aside from that there’s very little to say
but know I love you and should you need me
my heart is never more than a moment away

This was written with love while thinking about a special friend who’s been battling cancer off and on for a while now, it’s also for our dear friends who’ve defeated it, sometimes at a very heavy cost, and for the sadly far too many who fought like hell, yet in the end took their well earned rest.  Yes, this impermanence thing can be rather painful, yet it makes those we love somehow all the more precious.  If you love someone please do let them know. It’s as simple as saying…and showing I love you.  There, I just did and I hope you’ll join me.  Love, Mike.  


So it took me quite a while to collect all the materials and arrange them. I guess I just didn’t want to end this , but now it’s finally time for me to say goodbye.

And so, this journey ends. Landwalker’s Yellow nuzlocke has reached it’s conclusion.
This comic had many subjects I intended to deal with. The morality of our actions, the responsibilities we must take, our relationships with others and the consequences of our doings. In my vision, I intended to take the pokemon world, ever so childish and colourful, and let it grow up as all of us have over the years of experiencing it. Things are never simple, morality is not black and white and there are more than one side to every story. I never had a chance to finish the story the way I wanted to, but at least I got this chance to tell you how it was supposed to end, and I’m happy for that.

In the end, there is one thing that I would like you all to remember, and that is the sentence which opened this story. 
Always remember, “Adventure is not outside man; It is within.”

Thank you all for being there for me. You have all been my strength.

Here are the links to all parts of the plot summary:
Part 1:http://land-walker.deviantart.com/art/Landwalker-s-Yellow-Nuzlocke-plot-summary-1-of-4-426634881
Part 2:http://land-walker.deviantart.com/art/Landwalker-s-Yellow-Nuzlocke-plot-summary-2-of-4-427348959
Part 3:http://land-walker.deviantart.com/art/Landwalker-s-Yellow-Nuzlocke-Plot-summary-3-of-4-444023343
Part 4:http://land-walker.deviantart.com/art/Landwalker-s-Yellow-Nuzlocke-Plot-summary-4-of-4-444023671



Earlier today, I was hauling some shipping boxes into the garage when I saw a dark shadow suddenly dart past the sliding glass door. A moment later, a hulking black figure was standing in the entryway. It was Jude, who’d escaped his enclosure (it was my fault - I forgot to wire the gate shut like I usually do), all lolling-tongues-and-happy-tails to see me.

I was irked at first - I worried that maybe he’d killed another chicken. But then I remembered that the hens are all huddled up and secure in their coop on account of the rain. Jude just wanted to say hello, and I couldn’t really be mad at him about it. 

He knows that something is not right here. As soon as I let him in, he shoved his big old head under my idle hands and did “The Lean” against my hip. I petted him for a while, then took him back out to the dog run. He didn’t put up any fuss as we crossed the lawn to get there, and let himself into the enclosure as soon as I opened the door. 

Cabal came over to see me after I’d closed it again. I knelt and let him lick the back of my hand as he usually does, but then Cabal did something pretty fantastic: He ran to the apple tree at the end of the run, stood up on his hind legs against the cattle panel to extend his reach, and plucked an apple right off the tree. He then trotted back over to me and dropped it promptly at my feet. 

I played a game of apple-fetch with my pups for a time before returning to work. It was amazing how much better I felt. 

I can't believe I've even had to write this.

Let me first say that the fact I’ve even had to write this is total bullshit and that I’m furious about it. It actually makes me sick.

On the 20th I attended the FrnkIero AndThe Cellabration show in Newcastle with my cousin and my six year old son, Anthony. We already knew that the venue had refused him entry on account of his age and so I took him in hopes that he could meet his idol, Frank.

We had waited around for a long while, just mingling with the crowd and some utterly lovely people, when Frank appeared across the road with Cara, Ed, Derek, and the tour manager.

At this point I’d like to say that we did NOT approach them, we stayed where we were with the others.

The tour manager told us no signing/photos until a little later, which the majority of us was totally fine with, and the guys continued along toward the bus when Frank suddenly crossed the road to come speak to Anthony.

Again I’d like to say, we didn’t approach him, he came to us.

Frank kneeled down in front of Anthony and shook his hand then Anthony pounced Frank for a hug and FRANK SMILED. He then gave Frank a shirt we’d had made and Frank laughed about it.

Another thing that occurred was that Frank asked if Anthony would be going to the show. I informed him that the venue wouldn’t allow it.


I said of course and Frank made his way to the bus.

The reason I’m telling you this is because I’ve had DMs from several people on both of my twitter accounts telling me that Anthony was the subject of hate in the line for the show.


Here I will give you some examples of what I’ve been told was said:

“That disrespectful little cunt hugged Frank”

“She only brought that little fucker so she could meet Frank.”

“Frank couldn’t meet anyone else but he could meet that fucking kid”

And so many other gems. If you were one of the people to bad mouth a six year old boy meeting his idol; Fuck you and all you stand for. You are what is wrong with this world

I used to work at a fast food chain, Taco Bell. I was a manager. I’d be working drive thru while a crew member would be working front counter. Usually, the customers were really nice but this day my cashier needed to use the restroom so I let her. Someone needs their order taken up front. No problem. I take it. I go back to drive thru once my employe comes back. All of a sudden I hear the man who I just took his order say, “EXCUSE ME. EXCUSE ME. I NEED SOMETHING ELSE” I said “Sir, the young lady right there will take your order.” He replied with “no, she doesn’t speak English. I want YOU an AMERICAN to take my order.”
At that point, I was pissed. I said “Her first language is English. Her second language is Spanish. You don’t want her to take your order because of a small accent? Well, we will no longer be serving you. Take your first order and leave.”
Needless to say, he never came back.


So yesterday, I was lucky enough to finally be able to see Taylor again! (* my 4th time overall, but 1st time in a quite awhile because physically, I haven’t been able to make it because of my CP) I know some of you have been waiting to hear my stories from my experience at the 1989 Tour last night and I’m sorry it took so long.. I didn’t get home till 4 this morning and I was dead tired, but I’m here! Haha 

Let me start off by saying she killed it! She was so extraordinary * as always. The show was filled with so much energy and love from beginning to end.. she rocked Ford Field and I feel so privileged to have gotten to spend part of my birthday weekend with Tay and so many other beautiful people.. that I just can’t believe how lucky I am. While it would’ve been awesome to get to say hi to Tay herself.. it’s okay that I couldn’t. The fact that she follows me here and does so many extraordinary for all of us, is more than enough for me.. thank you taylorswift for being all that you are and for giving me such a great night, for being my hero, and for loving me in the way you do.. it means the world to me!

  I was fortunate enough to meet this beautiful lady. (Mrs. Andrea/ Momma Swift) Words cant describe how much love I have for her and her entire family.. she treated me with so much compassion and love that I still can’t even believe it. Literally, surrounded by Security Guards.. she got down on her knees and just opened her heart to me and showered me with so much love and affection, it made me feel so important and special. I’m so happy that I was fortunate enough to be able to tell her exactly what she meant to me and what Taylor has meant to me in my life and that I appreciated her for sharing her baby with all of us.. before she had to leave, she kissed me on the cheek and told me that Taylor appreciated me, just as much as I did her. Just a surreal experience and an amazing night. *I can’t recall the conversation entirely because I literally felt like crying.. it took everything I had to keep it together* 
Momma Swift is simply magnificent. I can’t say enough good things about her, so much love for her!

honestlybelievedinyou/Chloe and I, FINALLY got to meet in person! I’m so excited to say that we actually got to be in the same place.. we’ve been friends for around 6 months, looking forward to many more YEARS! =]

Thank you taylorswift for a wonderful night and for everything you do for us. You are such a gift in this world and words can’t express how much I appreciate you. Love you and everyone here so much! Enjoy the rest of the tour and cannot wait to see you AGAIN <3

Thought I’d tag those that might want to see this:
west-coast-taylor, thatsickbeat, placeswecanhide, oohiremember, tied-together-with-a-bow

It All Revolves Around You

Author’s note: This is teen and up. I wouldn’t say NC-17, but I want to make a quick comment. In my opinion, Kurt and Blaine got pretty hot and heavy early on (north of the equator, of course) and enjoyed being together like that until S3 when they took things to a new level. I think they were pretty sexually in touch for quite a while before they actually had sex. So don’t let this chapter shock you, because that’s where it’s coming from ;)

Submitted by teaandleaves:

Keep reading

Goodbye today to an amazing old cat. The life of a feral cat is tough. I started feeding him years ago, just leaving out a can of food when I saw him near the house. After a while, he would come when he heard the dogs let out in the morning and sit and wait carefully for his breakfast, then dinner. Of course, you hang around long enough and you get a name, and – well, I’m ashamed to say it was the unimaginative “Blackie.”

Well, he soon became “Lord Blackie” and then “Mister B.” It took me nearly three years after we met before he trusted me enough to touch him. After that, he graciously allowed me to rub his ears and pet him (and then fix him, which he was none too amused with but we worked it out, haha.) He often followed me quietly around the yard and waited patiently on the door mat for dinner every night. He never wanted to be a house cat (although I offered him that choice several times over the years…) I built him and the other ferals and dumped cats a safe space with heated beds and clean cat shelters in the garage, and he snoozed the winters away. I adored him; he was never anything but dignified and ruled his domain with a quiet, patient iron paw. He had a soft spot for kittens and tolerated my Corgis snuffling him in the yard. Well, most of the time. Sometimes it’s just too much snuffling even for a dignified old gentleman to tolerate.

Mister B was one of the rare feral cats that lived a very, very long life. Out-thought and out-survived everything that the world threw at him, but cancer doesn’t quite work like coyotes and cars, otherwise I think he could have out-smarted it too.

I cannot thank my amazing and kind Mobile Vet Clinic enough for being called on such short notice, and letting him go with minimal stress and understanding for his personality. He got to go in his space, in the sun, in his yard he’d ruled over for so long. 

I Don't Feel Brave

I’m so tired of this. And this. And this. Ad nauseam. It never stops. I’m afraid it will never stop.

I’ve spoken to very few people about the details of my relationship with my abusive ex-boyfriend. How, over the span of two years, he never cared about consent, how “rape fantasies” were just another way for him to legitimize control over my body while he held his hand over my mouth, how he threw tantrums when I said I didn’t want to have sex and managed to have sex with me anyway, about how haunted I still feel about letting him do this to me, that maybe it wasn’t so much “rape” in many cases as I just felt too beat down emotionally to say “no,” that maybe I owed him constant sex because he was my boyfriend, how I suffered a six-month yeast infection from birth control side effects and how when I went off birth control he still refused to wear a condom, how he promised to pull out and didn’t, how I had to take Plan B twice because he wouldn’t wear a condom and wouldn’t pull out, how he coerced me into sexual acts that made me bleed on the sheets, that left wounds and scars, how he expressed disapproval over how I dressed, how he wanted me to dress like a trophy girlfriend while telling me he loved me and it was all for me, how he coerced me to cut my hair a certain way, how we took a 10-hour train to Montreal and he was turned away at the border because of a rape conviction he had never told me about and wasn’t allowed to leave the country, how we took a bus back to New York in the middle of the same night, how I believed he didn’t do it even though he had already raped me repeatedly, how I denied even that fact, how he ignored me the whole bus trip back to New York because I had asked 6 hours earlier if we were taking the right bus (and how dare I question his authority), how I started making myself throw up before going to parties with him so I could stay home alone in my bed, how when I moved to Massachusetts for grad school and broke up with him he threatened to kill me, sent me a box full of things I had given him, including shirts he wore with phrases scrawled in red ink like “this is what I wore when we first met,” “this is what I wore when I first knew I loved you,” screamed “rot in hell” over and over on the phone, and “this hurts worse than when my dad died,” how I had to give campus police a photo just in case he came to town to make good on his death threat (he helped me move so knew where I lived), etc., etc., the details wear on and on and on.

Most of the time I am too sick to write about this, even to myself; instead, it is a running catalogue in my brain I try to puzzle through, sort out, try to stop blaming myself for all the times I could have walked away. It is difficult to walk away when someone says “I love you, and you’re making me a better person,” “I will be a better person,” “I love you more than anything.” It’s difficult to walk away when the person you love isn’t abusive or terrible all the time, and can fool everyone else in your life into thinking he is a charming, caring person. How I am told that relationship rape and assault and psychological manipulation aren’t “as bad” as rape from a stranger, that it is somehow not legitimate, that I should have known better. I’m so sick of living with this, and I’m sick of other women living with it, and I’m sick of the backlash women get for speaking out. I am speaking out. 

I recently ran a background check on him, and found out he moved back to Oklahoma where he grew up. Part of me was truly, honestly disappointed to know he is not dead. But, a small wave of relief did wash over me: Maybe now I can go back to New York without having a panic attack every single time? But that’s obviously such a small part of it. I will be living with this relationship the rest of my life, and fuck him for that.