let's talk about how he willingly surrendered

anonymous asked:

I am so upset abt spn, can we discuss whms? :( would you say that in your fic, misha is more aro whereas jensen is the romantic one? Because I have noticed that misha's pov offers his thoughts abt their sex life more while jensen does all the fluffy things. Curious about your thoughts :D

well first of all a) i didn’t realize i was writing it like that

but let me pretend like that was totally intentional so i can answer your question!!!!!!! i do see misha as a more sexual being simply based on the fact that i’ve read his wife’s book. although she definitely doesn’t go into explicit detail about their sex life, it’s kind of hard to read that book and not think to yourself “this woman and her husband must have the fuckin wildest bonkers sex ever.” so that’s probably why i’m subconsciously writing more of the sex stuff on misha’s end. 

(another reason could be because i see jensen as a soft christian boy who talks a big game and has probably had a lot of great sex in his life but he’s, like, embarrassed to talk about it.)

i’m not purposely trying to make misha aro, and originally i had him responding to jensen’s “i love you’s” with “i love you, too.” in fact, while he was breaking up with jensen a couple chapters ago, he originally told him that he was in love with him, too. i scrapped all of that for….reasons that i can’t reveal yet. 

in any case, misha is not aro in this fic but he does take longer to figure out his feelings than jensen does. that goes all the way back to like ten chapters ago when misha was struggling with liking jensen solely for his looks and trying to figure out if he actually liked him as a person. a theme of the fic that i probably could’ve made more explicit is the imbalance between them - jensen is more attractive than misha, misha is more interesting than jensen (in their own eyes). they don’t feel as if they’re equals, and for different reasons. 

one more thing to think about is how i view these men and how i’m shaping fictional versions of them. when i write jensen, i think of him as soft and simple, level-headed with little need to hide how he’s feeling because he’s often even-keeled. his self-consciousness is more panic over his (sexual) identity, but he’s fine as long as he can surrender control to someone else for a second. otherwise, he likes being in control and is good at staying relatively calm.

misha, on the other hand, is ego masking deep-seated self-consciousness masking underlying depression. he hates himself but loves fiercely, doesn’t let himself feel things properly but willingly talks about deeply personal things with others just to see how they react or make them feel uncomfortable. he’s always a little bit angry with himself for trying to prove something to others instead of just being authentic, and he hides that anger with humor and cleverness. (i’ve always said i think it’s crazy that people think jensen is the grumpy one in this pairing.) 

of course y’all probably can’t tell any of this because i hate writing exposition and internal monologues soooooooooooooooooooooooo my apologies if none of this reads lmao