The Joker x Reader - “The Bucket List” part 3
Two months after breaking up with The Joker, you found out the bad news. You didn’t have a choice but to ask for his help and J didn’t even show up for the meeting. Of course he didn’t care, but now that he heard why you wanted to see him so badly, it might be too late for any amendments.
J is sleeping with his head against your chest, completely out of it. He likes to do this lately since a lot of times he can’t really tell if you’re still breathing or not. Even if your blood pressure gets really low, he can at least hear your heartbeat and knows you’re alive.
Suddenly, he yanks at your waist so hard it wakes you up and you start coughing in a frenzy, startled.
“What’s wrong, baby?” you ask, trying to calm down and J gasps for air, opening his eyes to look at you.
“I dreamed that you died,” he snuggles to your body even more, panting.
“It was a nightmare; I’m here,” you kiss his forehead and manage to stop coughing. You peek at the clock: only 6am. “We should sleep in, it’s very early.”
The Joker just growls and rubs his eyes, uneasy for a few more moments.
“I’m gonna miss you…” you whisper in his ear.
“I’m not going anywhere, Pumpkin,” he yawns, exhausted.
“But I am…” you sadly smile and he frowns, watching you attempt to get comfortable in his arms.
“NO!” J utters, covering your mouth. “You’re staying with me, OK?”
You don’t reply and he lets go. You feel the need to get it all out before it’s too late:
“I really wanted a baby…with your eyes and my hair. Remember how pretty my hair used to be?”
He doesn’t know what to say and you continue:
“I know you wanted a boy, I’m sorry I can’t have children in the state I’m in…” and you take a deep breath, struggling not to cry.
“Don’t worry about it, Princess, I
don’t care,” he grumbles and you peck his lips, getting more and more upset:
“I don’t want to die…” you finally bring it up for the first time ever and bite on your tongue really hard so you won’t start sobbing.
“Jesus, kid, I won’t let you die, OK?!” J strives to comfort you and squeezes you in his arms harder.
“Do you think I’ll make it to my 37th birthday?” you whimper, worried about the gloomy future.
“For God’s sake, of course you will! And then you’ll make it to another one, and another one, and another one… I promise!” he lifts your chin up so you can look at him.
“Really?” you gulp, staring in his blue eyes.
“Yes, I promise!” he insists and you bury your face in his neck, wanting to point out the truth:
“You’re such a shitty liar…” and you sniffle, quietly crying on his skin.
J would like to say more, but decides it’s better to change the subject since he feels flustered himself.
“Did you just wipe your nose on my shoulder?!”
“M-maybe…” you stammer, snorting.
“That’s just gross, Doll. I put up with a lot of stuff, but I have to draw a line here, alright?” he elbows you and you retreat to your pillow so you can see him better.
“You should let your hair grow,” you
suggest, stroking his shaved head, actually wanting to talk about something
“I don’t want to!” he huffs, tracing your jawline with his fingers.
“I miss your green hair, you know that?” you admit, playing with his diamond earring.
“Meh, I don’t,” he grumbles, stubborn as always.
“You think I should wear wigs?” you crinkle your nose, not excited at your own proposal.
“Nahhh, I like you bald, I got used to it. This way we match, hm?”
“That’s good,” you sigh, relieved,” because I don’t want to wear wigs. If it’s not my hair, I don’t want it.”
“Wise decision, Pumpkin. I mean, you look decent enough, especially with makeup on. I have high standards and I had to lower them for you. The sacrifices I make…I’m so selfless and altruistic, a true gentleman and an exemplary boyfriend.”
You watch him with your mouth open, intrigued. You don’t even notice you’re not crying anymore.
“You heard me, you naughty minx. You’re suuuuch a lucky woman,” he eagerly mentions. “Do you know how many girls are waiting in line to get a piece of this?” J scoffs with an attitude.
You turn around towards the glass sliding door, glaring outside at the deserted back yard, not even a bird this early in the morning.
“Wow, so many women willing to take on The Clown Prince of Crime,” you pretend to be surprised. “We do have a huge line on the patio. Which one do you want?”
He snickers and you giggle, finally amused.
“Shut up, Y/N,” he shifts you towards him again, locking his arms around your neck.“Let’s sleep in so zip it. Oh, and for the record: this was the worst pillow talk we ever had!”
You indifferently blink, liking the idea of having a lazy morning:
“It wasn’t that bad…What worries me though is all those women waiting to get you; we should give them numbers, I don’t want them to fight about who goes first,” you kiss him and he purrs, annoyed.
“I am a very wanted man!”
“Yeah, by the cops and Batsy…” you mutter and J smirks, victorious:
“If you say so…”
After 10 minutes
“After I die, can you please get a girlfriend that’s not as pretty as me?” you beg, anguished.
“Shush!” and he slaps your butt; The Joker absolutely hates it when you bring this up.
“At least you’ll be able to have children…” you ignore his warning, sensing another wave of hurtful feelings washing all over you.
“Cut it out, Y/N!”
“I…I hope your kids are ugly!!!!” you have an outburst while he rolls his eyes, irritated. But he knows you’re depressed and he knows the reason why: yesterday, your blood tests came back bad (again) and the weekly doctor visit didn’t go to too well either. All after you tried 3 new drugs that supposedly worked OK in the experimental phase but didn’t do anything for you and it’s discouraging.
After waking up, you are both hanging out in the kitchen. You are looking at the breakfast food that Frost dropped off, not wanting to eat one single item; you’re already nauseated. A bunch of your favorites and it almost makes you gag. You study the lab results, sulking, wishing for once there was some kind of improvement.
“Eat something, Pumpkin,” J urges you, taking a bite out of a fresh bagel.
“I’m not hungry,” you sigh, reading without seeing anything but demoralizing news.
“You have to eat, that’s why you’re so skinny,” he gives you a cup of coffee and you take a sip to please him.
“I’m not skinny because I’m not eating and you know it…” you speak in a low voice, licking your lips. He decides not to reply. “J…?”
“I didn’t mean it when I said I want your kids to be ugly…”
“Drop it, Kitten!” he pouts, moving some strawberries on a small plate.
“But…how can they be cute if I’m not their mom?…” you swallow your tears and take deep breaths, trying to cool down.
“I said drop it!” J barks and you gaze at the yummy goodies he put together for you, nibbling on a muffin, this way he won’t complain you’re not eating. He watches how much you struggle to pretend you’re alright after he cut you off and doesn’t like it.
“Did it hurt, Princess?” The Joker winks, getting your attention.
“Did it hurt?”
“What baby?” you inquire, confused.
“When that portal from hell opened and you spawned through it right into my life,” he grins, very confident in his seduction technique.
Your eyes get big and you chuckle, then actually start laughing, entertained.
“You have the worst pickup lines, but I actually like this one! Do you have more?” you suggest he keeps going, placing your elbows on the counter and checking him out in those gray sweatpants that keep on sliding down every time he moves. J never bothers to tighten the string.
“Excuse you, Doll,” he huffs, “if my pickup lines are horrible, then why are you blushing?!”
“I’m not blushing, I have hot flashes from my pills,” you defend you rosy cheeks, flattered.
“Nonsense! You’re all worked up about it, don’t lie!”
You hop on the counter and crawl on his side, eager to touch your boyfriend. He drags you in front of him and you sit up there while holding his hands, curious to hear what’s next:
“Aside from being sexy, what do you do for a living?” he roars and you bounce your legs, excited.
“Hehehehe,” you giggle on his chest and he tries not to laugh.
“Is there a mirror in your pants, Doll? Cause I can see myself in them,” he pulls on your bottom lip and you bite his finger, feeling your cheeks getting warmer.
“It’s the hot flashes,” you try to defend yourself and he is not buying it.
“Don’t think so!” he tugs on your tank top, preparing his lethal weapon: “Princess, you turn my software into hardware.”
You snort so loud it echoes all over the place.
“Oh my God, this is terrible!” you shake your head, though fascinated at how bad it sounded.
“No, for reals, you do!” J hums in your ear and you look down at his crotch.
“A-ha, I can tell!”
“You’re such a perv, Pumpkin; my eyes are up here,” the cocky answer comes without hesitation. You kiss his Jester tattoo and walk your fingers down his abs, anxious to do something about this new spin on your morning. The anti-nausea meds you took are starting to work so might as well take advantage; who knows how many times you’ll be able to sleep with him before…
The Joker gets you out of your daze:
“Wow, Y/N, you seem so desperate to get me naked; don’t you have any pride left?!”
“Not really,” you brazenly admit and moan when you feel his hands all over you.
“You’re a good kisser, kid,” J parts from your lips and takes off your tank top, tossing it on the chair.
“For sure,” you approve, sliding back more so he can get on the counter too. He starts kissing his way down your waist and you scream.
“You’re starting early, I like it…Daddy’s gonna make you…”
You scream louder:
“Spider!!!!!” you point behind him and he turns his head to look: there is indeed a little creature crossing the wall on top of the sink. “Do something, baby, I hate spiders!!!” you shiver under him, getting goosebumps.
“For God’s sake, woman, I’m trying to have sex here!” he mutters, aggravated at the interruption.
“I hate spiders! Please kill it!!!!” you implore, digging your nails in his back.
“All the stuff you use to do before you got sick and you’re still afraid of spiders?!” J gets off the counter and you cling to him, stiff as a board:
“I detest these insects; so nasty, ewwww. Please kill it!” you beg once more, choking the life out of him. He grabs a tissue from the box, heading over to grant your wish while your legs are squeezing his waist with a strength he didn’t think you have left in you; both your arms are wrapped around his neck super tight - you definitely are tense and disgusted.
The Joker smooshes the culprit and now it’s resting in peace in the trashcan where it belongs.
“Happy now?” he grins, heading back towards the counter.
“Thank you, baby, I really can’t stand those beasts! You really are my knight in shining armor.”
“Told ya’!” he puffs, full of himself. “Any more crap I have to kill before we get down to business?”
“No, I think we’re good now,” your body finally relaxes when you are placed back on the countertop and he can finally breathe normal again.
“You still have a mean grip, you know that? You certainly have your skills Doll,” J praises you, actually surprised on how powerful your clasp was.
“Of course I still have them, just didn’t use them in forever. I’m not completely useless, OK?” you smack your lips and he is fast to push you on your back, smirking.
“Less talk and more action, Princess! The only word I wanna hear you scream is my name, understood?”
“Spider!!!!” you shout, teasing, and then surrender under his weight.
“Ha! Funny!” he growls, yearning to have you once more.
When the night comes, you can’t sleep at all. You keep on tossing and turning, somber thoughts flooding your mind. You decide to go in the backyard and walk it off because you don’t want to keep J up with your restlessness. He isn’t actually sleeping, just pretends and watches as you march out there in your sheer white nightgown, deep in meditation. Just like a ghost, he catches himself thinking and his heart aches but doesn’t want to pay attention to the feeling.
Your frail shape stops in the front of the roses you love so much and you drop in the grass, not feeling the chill, staring at everything without seeing. The Joker sneaks outside, aware you are probably freezing and drags you back in, while you silently follow his steps.
Once you’re in bed under the covers, he’s trying to get you warm and for the first time he’s not telling you to shut up when you speak up about things you really want to get off your chest. All your dying wishes, the most personal and intimate emotions meant only for his ears are whispered in a soft, low voice. You keep on going, relived you got such a heavy burden off your shoulders.
“I left you everything. After I die, all the funds from my estate will go into that account that belongs to the mysterious Jack Green we both know,” you caress his face and he grinds his teeth in denial.
“I don’t want your money…”
You disregard the words.
“It will come from Mrs. Emily Green, you know how much I always loved this identity. So when you see the wire transfer with that name, it will be from me. I already made the arrangements, I’m not changing my will; it’s signed. I can’t take the money with me, might as well give it to someone I care about. Keep this house and use it, yes? I really love it, nobody will bother you here, it’s a very good hideout. And try not to get yourself killed, ok? You’re so impulsive…”
“You’re more impulsive than me!” J sneers because for the first time in his life he’s at a lack of words.
“Used to be. I didn’t do anything crazy in so long it actually makes me the mellow one. Go figure!” you joke, not even sad for the moment being. It’s just so natural to let it all out.
“I really don’t want your money nor the house…I’m not gonna let you die, so there’s no need for any of this, Doll,” your boyfriend studies your reactions, intrigued.
“That’s nice… it almost sounds like you love me or something,” you tease, cozy on the fluffy pillows.
“I doubt it,” he furrows his invisible eyebrows, uneasy.
“Tell you what, baby: after I die, if you miss me so much it hurts it means that you loved me; if not, you should be fine,” the simple explanation is fast to follow and the abrupt reply makes you whimper:
“It already hurts…”
“Well,” you manage to stay strong and not burst into tears,” now that we both found out the answer to this crucial problem, I think we can rest, hm?”
“I’m so tired…” is the only thing he says before electing to inform you: “I have a meeting with him again tomorrow night.”
“NO!!!” you jump up, shaking J to show your disapproval. “NO!! Don’t go!! Stop meeting him! Stop going! It will be an ambush or something, you’ll get captured and locked away and I will die alone! …I-I can’t die alone!!!” you scream, alarmed.
“We are meeting on neutral ground, he won’t try anything. Never did before. And Princess, I’ve set forces in motion you can’t even imagine,” he tries to calm you down while you shake with anxiety. ”I know he might have something for you that I can’t get my hands on. This time, he’s the one that requested the meeting so I think he’s going to use that as leverage to negotiate some kind of terms about his precious Gotham and all the poor souls he has the audacity to believe he protects.”
“No, no way! He’s bluffing, he has nothing for me! Don’t go! Please! He just wants to catch you and take you away and I… just can’t die alone…” you nervously bite on your nails, hopelessly trying to make him change his mind.
“Kitten, you know I don’t leave anything to chance. I’m going and you can’t stop me!!”
“No, please don’t go!” you keep on imploring, scared for this new plan he seems very decided to carry on. “What if it’s a trap? I can’t afford to lose you, I can’t…I just can’t die alone…please?”
“There’s no trap, and even if it were, I’m prepared. Don’t worry, I got it all covered. When do I ever put myself in danger for no reason?”
“Like…all the time!” you gulp, scratching your arm in denial. “Don’t go…”
J signals you to place your head on his chest and you comply, being so worked up you’re wheezing; it’s so difficult to breathe and this doesn’t help.
“Don’t stress out, Pumpkin…I won’t let you die!” The Joker reinforces his declaration, wishing you would unwind and go back to sleep.
He’s been gone all morning and you have no idea where he went; no answer to your texts or calls, probably getting ready for tonight. You hear the sliding glass door and turn towards the patio, guessing it’s him. You take a few steps and freeze, confused: he walks inside holding a girl’s hand. She is very pretty, well dressed and seems nervous.
“Who is this?!” you narrow your eyes, baffled.
“This Doll, is my future girlfriend. After you die, she’ll take your place. Wanna look around, honey?” he winks at the girl and you resentfully gasp. “All this will be yours after Y/N is gone from the picture. Lovely home, you’ll enjoy it,” he gropes her and you crack your neck, walking towards them with a menacing demeanor.
“Get her out of my fucking house!!” you mutter through your clenched teeth, grinding your jaw so hard it’s painful.
She tries to escape J’s hold but he keeps her near:
“Don’t move!” he commands, pissed when she whines:
“Mister J, I don’t want to be here…Please let me go…”
You are getting closer.
“Get out or I’ll break your neck! I might be weak but I can still do it! GET OUT!!!” you shout at the woman and J tightens his grip on her.
“Don’t move!” he warns and as she struggles to escape. “My current girl here,” the Prince of Crime nods his head towards you,” has it ALL figured out for me: she plans to die and I’m supposed to get a new girlfriend, have kids and leave happily ever after. I’ll even inherit her fortune, which is substantial, I assure you,” he turns his icy glaze towards you and you almost can’t hear: your heart is beating so fast and loud it’s deafening.
“Get out or I swear I’m going to kill you!!!” your voice alerts in such a threatening way she finally uses all her strength to yank her hand away from his and backs out, taking advantage of the fact that you stopped in front of J as the perfect moment to escape the house.
“What the hell are you doing???” you yell at him on a verge of a nervous breakdown; this is the last thing that you need.
He smiles in such an eerie way and has the nerve to pretend it’s the most normal question when it comes out of his mouth:
“Are you jealous?”
“Wha’……????” you are taken aback, not understanding what’s going on. “What is the meaning of all this ??”
“ARE. YOU. JEALOUS?” J pronounces each word in a strange manner and you can tell he’s mad. And so are you.
“Yes, I’m jealous!” you blur out, wanting to slap him so badly. “What games are you playing??!! What’s wrong with you?!”
“You know why you’re jealous?” he continues, disregarding your justified tirade.
What’s going on? you think, completely out of it.
“Let me enlighten you, Princess,” he grumbles, annoyed. “You are jealous because you’re still alive, do you even understand what it means anymore? Stop making plans for me, stop talking about dying and give me a break! I’m sick of listening to all of it! You’re still here!” and him charging at you and kissing you passionately like he didn’t see you in years takes you by surprise. You respond to the kiss, unable to hear your own thoughts or react in any other way.
“Did you feel that?” he breaths on your lips and you moan a faint yes. “Great! It means that you’re alive!” he pushes you away, annoyed and heads over to exit the backyard, not before kicking a few bottles with your meds on the floor.
“Who’s that girl?” you raise your voice and he is already out, barely bothering to satisfy your curiosity:
“How the hell should I know?! Just a dancer at the club!”
You have no clue about what got into him, but you stood there petrified for a good 30 minutes.
11:30pm- neutral ground located behind the abandoned highway 205
“Finally! You’re 6 minutes late!” J jumps off the hood of his purple Lamborghini when he notices Batman emerging from the shadows. “Do you have it?” he stretches, pretending to be indifferent but in fact very alert.
“I do,” the distorted voice lets him know as his nemesis stops at a safe distance, only a few feet away.
“Does it work?” The Joker wants to know right away.
“It does. And I’m the only one that has access to it. Experiments showed amazing results, not certain if it will ever reach the medical market. If it does, it will be at least 5 more years,” Bruce Wayne explains as fast as he can.
“My girl doesn’t have 5 years!” he barks, straitening his back. “I assume you wanted to meet because you want to bargain? What do you want in exchange?”
His silver teeth glisten under the flickering neon light, the shaved head giving him even a more psychotic aura.
“Every month you stay put and don’t cause trouble, you get a month worth of the medication. Plain and simple,” Batman replies.
A vague cackle, then a louder laugher followed by full blown temperamental outpouring of lunacy:
“Awww, such a good deal!” The Joker claps his hands, faking his happiness. “But I have even a better proposal !” his blue eyes get big with anticipation. “I’ve been reeeeeally busy in the last 2 months; let’s say Gotham may or may not be under an imminent attack. Certain people may or may not have placed explosives all over the place: residential homes, bridges, schools, hospitals, anything you can think of. You will never be able to find all of them!! Something happens and I don’t get the med, it all goes to shit ! Would you prefer your precious city goes down in the same time or piece by piece?” he snickers with an evil grimace.
“Don’t push it !” Bruce Wayne snaps, tossing a vial containing your much needed remedy towards his adversary and J catches it mid air, placing it in his pocket.
“Don’t make me!!!” he growls, retreating back into his car and driving away into the night while The Batman debates if The King of Gotham is bluffing or not. Knowing him, probably not.
“Go tell your mom she’s needed for important paperwork in the master bedroom after you fall asleep tonight, OK?” J urges his 4 year old son to go outside in the garden where you sit on a blanket under the tree, reading.
Kaden runs over, stumbling with anticipation, eager to give you the news:
“Moooommm!!!!” he screams up a storm and lands in your lap, excited: “Dad said you have paperwork tonight!”
You and The Joker love to use him as a messenger; he’s absolutely adorable and even if the poor kid doesn’t remember everything he’s supposed to say when he runs from one parent to the other, it’s still awesome and it makes your day.
“Go tell Daddy that’s fine,” you smile, kissing his cheek and he gets up, rushing inside to communicate the update:
“Daaaaddd!!!!!” he almost staggers and falls on the carpet, “Mommy said OK!!!”
“Goody!! Hey, com’ere!” J signals him and Kaden giggles, jumping up and down until he gets picked up and sat on the table. “Now go ask your mom if she wants another baby, don’t let me down, alright?” The Joker puckers his lips, winking at the little boy. He reaches for the nearby drawer, takes out a piece of paper and scribbles on it, then hands it over to his son. “Give her this too, ok? Us, guys, have to help each other, hm?”
“Yes, dad!” the little boy passes his fingers through his father’s green hair, enthusiastic he has such an important task.
Once he is put back on the ground, Kaden races over to you:
“Daddy wanted to know if you want another baby,” he sniffles, covering his mouth with his small hands.
You roll your eyes and look down at your 4 month pregnant bump, mumbling:
“Soooo funny… Anyway, mommy’s too old so after your brother is born, that’s it.”
Your son snickers and pulls on your hair that now reaches down to your shoulders, making you pay attention to the paper he’s giving you.
“From daddy,” he explains and you take it, unfolding the note. You gasp when you realize it’s your old Bucket List, now having a “check mark” symbol by “- a family” wish. You take a deep breath, looking towards the house to see if J is in sight but you don’t notice him. You get teary and fold back the paper, hiding it between the pages of your book. The Joker is actually behind the curtain, sipping on his whiskey, savoring your reaction.
“Go tell daddy I already have 3 kids, so we’re good,” you whisper in Kaden’s ear and he darts inside, yelling:
“Daaaaad, she said she already has 3 kids!!!”
“What??!! 3 kids?!” he frowns, aggravated. “That’s rude! Tell her she’s rude!” The messenger runs for it.
“Daddy said you’re rude,” the little one pants, snorting when you start laughing.
“Whatever,” you make him sit down, struggling to keep him still in your lap so you can apply the purple hair mascara on a few strands of his hair. J goes crazy for it so you try to do it daily since it’s being washed at night. “Go show your dad how cute you are! And tell him he’s my favorite poison. Give me a kiss before you go!”
“Muahhh,” he pecks your lips and flees. After a few moments J shouts:
“Hey Doll, is that a pickup line?!”
“Yeesss!!!!” you yell back so he can hear you.
“That’s a good one!”
You read for 5 more minutes when they both come out: Kaden is holding a bottle of water and you know what it means: time to take your med.
“Here Princess,” The Joker opens the vial, giving you one tablet. “It’s that magical time of the day.”
You swallow the pill and he crawls on the blanket, resting his head on your tummy. Your son is playing around with his toys, preoccupied with a butterfly that landed on his bike.
“I thought the magical time of the day is going to be tonight when we have to fill out all that tedious paperwork in the master bedroom,” you elbow him and he purrs.
“Certainly; so much paperwork, that’s why I need your help,” he softly bites your wrist and you pinch his arm. “Hey, Y/N, besides being sexy and pregnant, what do you do for a living?” he turns on his side, facing you. “Wow, are you blushing?!”
“No way, hot flushes from my treatment,” the defensive answer comes.
“Lies, lies, lies,” J bickers, kissing the bump.
“You have the worse pickup lines,” you shake your head, teasing him.
“Got you pregnant twice, didn’t I ? So if you have a complaint, you should file one tonight with the rest of the paperwork,” the smug reply follows.
You stare at each other for a few seconds before smiling:
“Shut up, J,” you kick him with your knee and go back to reading while he closes his eyes, relaxing in the shadow.
Definitely her knight in shining armor, The Joker thinks before snoozing. No other losers in line for the job…which…makes me the loser, I suppose. Oh, well, could be worse, he reckons, snuggling by you even more.
Also read: MASTERLIST