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6

operation love 💘 episode 6 

Hold Me Tight | one

Originally posted by kyungsuhos

genre: fluff/angst

word count: 10.5k

preview

It was a normal day.

I was doing my job as his stylist, making sure that his clothes were the perfect fit for when he set foot on the red carpet. My job also included doing his makeup. Kyungsoo didn’t like having a lot of people around him so when they found me they were very pleased to find out about my makeup classes.

I was a recent University graduate student when they hired me. It was my first real job and I was so happy to have it. Can someone imagine how it would feel like to be doing your most desired job for one of the most famous actors in the country? It felt like a dream. I would be able to pay for my student loans and maybe have it a little bit easier.

At the time it all changed we were both twenty two and I had been working for him for about a year

“Have you talked to her about it?” Kyungsoo’s manager asked him.

Back then I didn’t think much of it. They could have been talking about anyone so it didn’t cross my mind that it could have been me.

“Not yet” he answered without opening hours eyes.

I worked quickly on finishing his makeup so I could leave and let him have some privacy with whoever that woman was.

“You better hurry then, we need to do this fast”

Kyungsoo opened his eyes and moved my hand away from his face. I stepped away from him and started to put the things away since we wouldn’t need them today anymore.

“Eun Byul, sit down please” Kyungsoo said.

I turned to him slowly not sure I had heard him right. Was I the one he wanted to talk to? It made no sense but I still sat down because he was my boss.

“Is everything okay?”

I sat down carefully, eyeing Kyungsoo and his manager.

“Yes, I just want to ask you a question”

He gave me a small smile, the kind that doesn’t show any teeth, and leaned his body forward in the couch. I nodded my head slowly and smiled nervously at him.

Kyungsoo always had something about him that made me slightly nervous. Especially on those sorts of moments when he was more serious than ever before. It’s not that he is a bad person or anything like that; he’s just so serious all the times. It’s very hard to see him laugh, the kind of laugh that you use your entire face and your eyes nearly close. Sure, he smiles a lot but when you look at him you know that he is doing it just for show because he knows that there are people watching him every second of the day.

“This is going to sound crazy, I know that, but hear me out”

At every word that left his mouth I felt even more weary and uncomfortable. Kyungsoo is the kind of person that only speaks when he has something to say, he doesn’t just throw words around, so I knew that whatever it was that he had to say was, at very least, important.

“I want you to marry me”

At that time I didn’t know how to react to his words. All that I remember thinking was that he didn’t ask me a question at all, he just stated something.

I laughed at him, so loud and so hysterically that Kyungsoo leaned back on his chair.

“There’s a reason why your manager always tells you not to tell jokes, they really aren’t funny” I said after I calmed down a little.

“This is not a joke, Eun Byul. I mean it. I need you to marry me”

The second time he said it I knew it wasn’t a simple joke. Maybe I should have known from the first second. Kyungsoo it’s not the kind of person who will just throw jokes around, especially when he looked that serious. But in my mind it didn’t make sense that he would be asking, or demanding to be more precise, me to marry him.

“You really don’t know how to do this” his manager said stepping away from the door and sitting by Kyungsoo’s side “We need you to marry Kyungsoo, Eun Byul”

I couldn’t see why what his manager was saying was any different from what Kyungsoo had said; it was the exact same words just with a different pronoun. I kept my eyes on them, my lips slightly parted.

“By now you have probably heard about the rumors, haven’t you?” his manager asked and I nodded.

“But I don’t think that’s actually a good enough reason to make him marry someone”

I was the kind of person who mostly kept to herself so I never paid much attention to gossip websites but every once in a while I would let myself get pulled into them. The last time I did I saw that some people were speculating if Kyungsoo liked man because he hadn’t been seen ​with a girl in a long time and whenever people actually saw him out he was with a male friend.

“He was seen with a girl before and it’s not like one rumor could end his whole career”

Maybe I shouldn’t have spoken like that to the man who hired me but I couldn’t pull the words back inside my mouth once they were out.

Kyungsoo stiffed a laugh while his manager just groaned like he was in pain.

“But it doesn’t mean that the rumors aren’t affecting his career, his popularity is dropping really fast. And just imagine how amazing it would be if Kyungsoo married you, someone who isn’t an actress or a celebrity in any way, just a normal girl who was earning her living when a superstar fell in love with her” he looked at Kyungsoo and smiled “This might actually work. The media and the fans will love it”

I looked over at my boss, highly tempted to decline his request, or offer or whatever it was. I couldn’t just live my life pretending to people that I was in love in with someone but above all that I couldn’t lie. I was terrible at lying, didn’t know the first thing about it.

“Okay, I know that this doesn’t sound very good but hear me out for just a little longer, okay?” the manager asked and I reluctantly nodded “We know about your college debts so we will pay for that and when the two of you divorce you won’t leave empty handed”

For a few more minutes they kept trying to persuade me into accept their outrageous deal all the while I kept denying them. Eventually they had to leave for the red carpet so they said I could use that time to think about by decision.

My debts were huge and I was in way over my head, that wasn’t exactly a secret. But could I really get married to someone just in order to pay a debt? I wasn’t like I actually needed. With what I made I could easily pay the monthly amount.

But they said one thing, just one thing that could seal the deal for me. They said that I would have to move out of my house and live with Kyungsoo. And one thing alone made me consider they favor. Not because I had some crazy plot to win him over but because the idea of moving away from home sounded way too tempting to say no to. I know that a lot of people would consider my reason foolish and childish, but to me that alone was enough. I didn’t care about the money or the “fame” they said I would get. I was just wanted a free pass from home.

For the entire five hours that I stayed behind the scenes waiting for the red carpet and the event to end I thought about what could possibly come out of me accepting their offer.

“Did you think about it?” Kyungsoo asked when he got back.

I watched as he took off his jacket and pulled his tie loose.

“I’ll do it”

My voice was low and insecure; my legs were shaking like bamboo on a windy day.

“You won’t regret your decision, Eun Byul” he smiled at me and I tried to smile back at him.

I sure hoped I wouldn’t.


 

After that night absolutely everything changed about my life. I wasn’t just Song Eun Byul anymore, no of course nor. Two days later I was Do Kyungsoo’s secret girlfriend, fiancé, soon to be wife.

What was our story? How long had we been together? How did we manage to hide our relationship for so long? Was I just a cover for Kyungsoo’s real relationship?

Those were the sort of question I saw when I looked up my name online. My picture was in every gossip magazine, every website and every single fan site dedicated to him. And it was like that for months. Somehow journalist found people that went to school with me, soon enough I found myself  reading about my childhood, about my college days and even family matters I don’t even remember telling anyone about.

But I couldn’t even pity myself too much for having my personal life exposed to the public. Soon enough I found myself picking flower arrangements, decoration, wedding dresses. Did I want a strapless one or should I go for something more reserved and don’t reveal much? Even my wardrobe had to change. I could no longer dress casually like before, jeans and snickers never again and Gob forbid me of using the same clothes more than once.

I felt like a puppet in their hands, a doll they were playing matchmaker and dress up with. They changed every single thing they could about me, so much that when I looked myself in the mirror I could hardly recognize that person. That hair wasn’t mine, those clothes weren’t mine, that make up wasn’t mine. They went as far as getting me my own makeup artist and stylist, me someone who did people’s make up and chose their clothes for living couldn’t even do that for myself anymore.

“You really hate this, don’t you?” Kyungsoo asked from behind me, the concern written all of his face “You can still back down, if you want”

“No” I turned to him quickly, shaking my head “I won’t go back on my word, I promise you that. For the next three year you are stuck with me”

I smiled brightly at him, so much that my eyes almost closed. I was trying very hard to get back to how we used to be around each other, easy going on most days.

Though Kyungsoo wasn’t someone who enjoyed joking around he always seemed to make an exception for me. At first I didn’t understand it, his sense of humor. It was truly dry, almost sarcastic. I used to think that every joke attempt that left his mouth was true, when what he was trying to do was to make me feel more comfortable around him. I only knew he was joking when he smiled at me.

“Good, there’s no one I would rather be stuck with” he smiled at me and took a step forward. He was fidgeting. Whatever it was that he wanted to say was making him nervous and that was certainly a new sight to my eyes “Listen, I’ve been meaning to ask you something. You can say no if it’s too much”

I stayed quiet, waiting for him to feel comfortable enough to talk to me. If there was one thing that I learned while working for him was that Kyungsoo hated when people pushed him to talk. One would think that him being an actor he would love the sound of his own voice. But he didn’t; he enjoyed the silence very much, taking enjoyment in watching the way people around him behaved, saying that it always helped him built his character a lot better.

“I want you to meet my parents before the wedding, but they can’t know the truth”

“You want to lie to them?” I asked after a minute of silence.

One thing that was completely different from Kyungsoo to me was that he actually got along with his parents, granted that he didn’t see them all that often due to his crazy schedule but still, their relationship was a good one. While his was good mine was simple terrible. My dad left when I was fifteen, one day he was there and on the next he wasn’t and my mother was – putting it on easy terms – complicated.

She was the kind of person who would meddle in others people’s lives without a second thought. She lost control more often than not. Her behavior got so much worse after my father left us. For the most part I tried to stay clear of my mother. I knew that made me a terrible daughter but I honestly couldn’t handle being around her. Her words became hateful, our furniture couldn’t handle her stress and hatred towards the world and at times she would become violent. So I did the best I could to stay away, always leaving home at the crack of dawn and only coming back home when school and the library closed. When I started to work I thanked the Gods for me always having to be on the move, constantly following Kyungsoo to a different city.

“It’s not like you are telling your mother the truth either”

I nodded my head looking into his eyes.

“You are right, I’m sorry. I have no right to say that to you”

Kyungsoo gave me a small smile and took a step towards me. He was so close to me then. He had never been like that before. He would always put himself in a safe distance from me, or from anyone else for that matter. So to me that sudden proximity was beyond surprising.

“I know that you don’t want to lie, you are scared of people finding out the truth. I know that but you don’t have to worry. I will protect you from anything, always”


 

Our wedding day came fast and with it came an incredible sense of nervousness. Every day when I looked at the calendar seeing that red circle around the number fourteen, a Friday, I felt like I was going to pass out. I kept wondering if I was doing the right thing, if I had decided to help Kyungsoo only for completely selfish reasons.

My head was messed up and full that I almost gave up, almost threw everything out.

My only reason to accept his request, do him this one favor like he said, was because I wanted to escape my mother. I used to be away from home for months at a time, away with Kyungsoo when he was filming or whenever he needed me, but when I got back home I was never truly welcomed back. All my mother ever wanted was the money that came with me. She used to take most of my pay for herself, only leaving enough for me to pay for the students loans I took and every now and then she would give me a little more, whenever she thought that I needed new clothes.

There were mainly two reasons as to why I had to start working in the first place. The first one being because I had to pay for student loans I took in order to graduate from college and the second was because I had to pay for mother’s crazy luxury. I shouldn’t have to pay for either of those things.

When I was born my father put together a saving account for when I decided to go to college or for whatever else I chose to do with my life. That was something that my father always told me, he even showed it to me when he thought that I was old enough to understand what was in front of me. Looking back at it that money was enough to pay for my studies expenses and even more. But my mother took that money before I could even graduate from high school and it was all gone by my first year of university.

I was going to give everything up on our wedding day. I was going to call Kyungsoo over and tell him that I didn’t want to get married, that I couldn’t bear to lie to people – especially to his parents, such good people that cared so much for their son shouldn’t be lied to like that.  But I couldn’t go that far. The moment I called for the wedding planner to go get Kyungsoo my mother showed up, reminding me of all the reasons why I said yes to Kyungsoo in the first place.

“You brat, were you really going to get married without telling me? Did I really need to read about it on a cheap magazine?”

My mother walked in screaming at the top of her lungs. I turned to the wedding planner, an embarrassed smile on my face.

“Could you, please, leave us?”

The older woman looked between my mother and me for a second before exiting the room, her steps careful. It was very clear that she didn’t think it was a good idea to leave the two of us alone, but eventually she left us.

“Do you really have to be like that in front of people?” I sighed.

“I’ll speak to you however I see fit, you are my daughter” she screamed even louder than before, her voice echoing through the empty room.

I closed my eyes holding my hands in fists, my body trembled slightly. Only my mother could have that effect on me, she used to drive me insane that only looking at me someone could tell the difference. If I was calm or I was nervous.

“You are marrying one of the biggest actors in our country, you even worked for him. How could you not tell me any of this?”

If there’s one thing different between my mother and I was that I never screamed. Not once in my entire life. I guess that since I grew up with so much of it around me that the mere idea of screaming at someone made me disgusted. My parents used to scream so much at each other that I could barely hear my own thoughts. I thought that once they got divorced all the shouting would stop but the truth is that, at a certain level, it got even worse. While my mother screamed I retreated on myself, becoming more and more recluse within.

“We don’t have the best of relationships mother, it wasn’t like I didn’t want to tell you” I suppose is every daughter’s dream to share those kind of moments with her mother but I simply didn’t feel like I could “You are barely going to see him, so there was no point in telling you. After the wedding we’re going on our honeymoon and right after Kyungsoo has a movie. I don’t even know when we’ll be back”

“You are something else, do you know that?” she came closer to me, her voice low and so much more threatening “Always so much like your father, always hiding things from me. Look at this place. You are getting married in a place like to a super star. How much all of this must have cost? I small fortune, I presume.”

I should have known that money was the only that would make my mother look for me. Money was the only thing my mother ever talked about. Her world revolved around it, it was the only thing on her mind.  At a certain point, when she didn’t have anywhere to turn to for money, she started to sell house items like our TV, our couch, silver wear, anything that could give the slightest amount of money.

“You don’t have to worry; I’ll keep sending you money. Your life won’t change because I’m getting married” I said quietly, avoiding her eyes.

My mother closed the distance between us and grabbed my chin, making me look at her.

“Listen to me, you little…”

She couldn’t finish what she was going to say because the door to the room opened and Kyungsoo walked in. Instantly my mother let go of me. She turned to my soon-to-be husband pretending to be mother of the year.

“Do Kyungsoo is so good to finally meet you. Eun Byul has told me so much about you.

Kyungsoo looked at me over my mother shoulder, his eyebrows raised. He knew that my mother’s words were lies. I made sure to tell him the truth: that I didn’t want my mother to know about us. Not just the lie we were telling everyone else but also about the fact that I was getting married at all. I didn’t tell him how bad our relationship actually was but I think that he got the overall idea.

“I’m sure she has” he smiled at her politely, the kind of smile he did on press conferences, the kind that wasn’t all that realistic to begin with “The ceremony is about to start, why you go out know and get a good seat and let our Eun Byul finish getting ready?”

“Ah, off course” my mother smiled at him and turned to me, the same fake smile still plastered on her face “I’ll see you later sweetie”

She bent forward, placing a kiss on my cheek. That was her typical behavior when people were around us. She liked to play mother of the year. One would think that she was actually a good mother.

My mother left the room quietly and the wedding planner followed her out.

Only when the door finally closed and the only ones left in the room were Kyungsoo and me that I allowed myself to breath properly. My body was still shaking and I couldn’t control it. I rested my head against my knees and tried to calm myself down. But it was of no use.

“I saw her outside but I didn’t know who she was. I’m sorry”

Kyungsoo kneeled in front of me. His hands reached out to take mine. I looked up at him wondering why he was so kind towards me. His actions had changed drastically since we agreed upon marrying. Where he was cold before he became present, where he was silent he became concerned.

“How did she find us? I know that we didn’t tell her, no one here told her about it”

“The information leaked this morning. There are reporters outside. I didn’t told you anything about it because I knew it was going to make you even more nervous”

I nodded and held onto his hands tightly. I knew I probably shouldn’t be making Kyungsoo my source of comfort, especially when we knew so little about each other. But I couldn’t do it any other way. Kyungsoo was the only person that showed concern and kindness towards me and I knew it was probably out of his own selfishness. He needed me to be around because he needed my help but I would take whatever I could get.

“If it’s too much…” Kyungsoo started

I shook my head. Instead of holding his hands I held his face, my eyes look straight into his

“I told you before, months ago, I’m not leaving. You protect me and I protect you. Always”


 

Our honeymoon, as expected, wasn’t like every other couple’s. Sure, when people looked at us they could certainly think that we were together. We definitely acted like a couple. We always held hands and made ourselves look extremely close. But once we were alone all sorts of physical contact were done and we were back to what we used to be.

The only thing that changed was our long talks. We decided that is was in our best interest to get to know each other as best as we could. We were going to be stuck together for, at least, three years. It was going to be the longest three years if we couldn’t stand the other, especially considering that we worked together – better yet, I worked for him.

In the two weeks that we spend together at the beach resort we got closer. I told Kyungsoo things about myself, about my life that I never even dreamed of telling anyone before. Things that I have always kept to myself, things that I never allowed myself to say out loud. I never, not even once, imagined telling another soul about. About my mother, about my father, about how I resented him but still held him terrible close to my heart and every memory of him was incredibly dear to me.

There was something about Kyungsoo that made me open up myself to him. Maybe it was the calmness that he gave me, how I felt so at ease around him during those times.

I wasn’t the kind of girl who was secluded, that isolated herself from the rest of the world. At least I wasn’t until my parents divorced. I used to have friends, not enough to be considerate a popular kid but friends nonetheless. I was just a regular girl, who went out with her friends on the weekends.

Even when my parents were fighting they would still pretend to be a loving couple when I brought my friends home, or they pretend to be a couple that lived in peace at least. I really couldn’t tell the difference back then. But once my dad left and I was alone with my mother, for a while she lost the ability to pretend in front of my friends. She would start throwing her usual tantrums. I got so embarrassed at one point when I overheard my friends talk about my mother like she was some kind of episode in a drama. That was when I stopped calling them over all together. I still kept in touch with them, going out every now and then, but they never went to my house again.

I would take every opportunity I had to sleep at their place, to avoid my mother at all costs and I think that at a certain level my friends understood all of that, even inviting to their house for no particular reason. But once all of us graduated we lost contact, some of them moved away and with some happened what happens to everyone else.

“I’ve been talking about myself for two hours now. I should stop, you’re probably bored”

Kyungsoo shook his head, a small smile on his face.

“I never knew it was like that for you. You always seemed to have everything under control”

“That was just a good front. Besides when I was with you I was working, I couldn’t just dump all my shit on you”

I took a sip of the beer in front of me, my eyes locked on the table because I was too shy to look at him after everything I told him. Kyungsoo turned his head to side, his eyes on me while he spinned the bottle of beer between his fingers.

“That’s the first time I heard you curse”

My head shot up and my eyes went wide. I hadn’t realized that I had cursed; it just came out so naturally. That’s how comfortable I actually felt with him. I hardly ever cursed so it almost came out as a shock.

“I was scouted when I was seven. Did you know that?” he asked once he noticed my discomfort. I shook my head “I was out with my mother when a woman showed up and ask me to go for an audition. The first commercial I did was a hit and after that I got called back for different jobs. Until things slowly escalated and I was called for a movie audition”

Kyungsoo started to tell me about his life, about how we slowly made his way to the top by being incredible humble and accepting smaller holes until he managed to get the main lead. No a part that someone offered him but one the he put himself through audition after audition until he finally got it just because he liked that character so much.

I was in awe by every word that left his mouth, at how he worked so hard since a young age. It almost made me feel like I shouldn’t be telling him about problems when he had some many of his own. But at the same time it made me feel at ease. Different people lead different lives and with it come different and unexpected problems.

Different from what we had previously thought, Kyungsoo and I didn’t go to the movie location we actually just went home.

Home.

It felt so weird to call his house our home because it made it seem like everything was finally setting in place. In my mind the idea that we were actually married was beginning to make sense. Our wedding day felt like a scene from a movie, our honeymoon was more like a vacation two friends took. But moving into his house made me finally realize how serious everything was. Seeing my clothes and personal things sprawled in boxes inside of a room in front of Kyungsoos’s felt like an out of body expecience.

“I wasn’t sure what you would like so I just got everything white because it seemed like a color you would like”

For the first I looked around, noticing all the furniture in the bedroom. At first I thought it was just standard for a guest room but looking at it carefully I could tell how much work Kyungsoo put in buying them. The furniture was very delicate and the kind of thing every girl would dream of having.

“Kyungsoo you shouldn’t have bought all of this. I could have brought over the ones I had at home”

I ran my hand on top of the bed, across the closet and on the dress table. Everything was so beautiful. Even though I was saying he shouldn’t have I was actually grateful that he had. Living with him was a new start, a start that neither one of saw it coming but went forward with it anyway.

“I know but I wanted you to feel comfortable here with me. This is our life now, we have to get used to it”

I sat down on the bed and turned to face Kyungsoo. He was leaning against the door frame, a hint of a smile on his face.

“Why are you being so kind to me, Kyungsoo? Shouldn’t this be one of those situations that we don’t get along what so ever?”

He let out a small laugh, his head falling back for a second before he moved away from the door and sat by my side on the bed. He held his hands together and took a deep breath. Almost a whole minute went by before he said something.

“When they told me that I had to get married they already had someone in mind. It was an actress, someone who is slowly making her way to the top. Our marriage would help her carrier and make the mean rumors about me go away. They even talked to her agency and both managements were on board with it. But I said no. I wanted to, at the very least, know the other person. I wanted to trust that person. And I know that girl was a good person but I couldn’t see myself with her. So I tried to look for someone else, an actress like my manager wanted. So I went out with a few of them, like you already know. And then one day I opened my eyes and you right there in front of me, always so kind and sweet, never saying no my crazy schedule. I knew that just that wasn’t enough for my manager because he wanted to make a show out of the entire situation. Gosh, I’m rambling” he laughed nervously and I smiled at him, enjoying this new found side of him “What I’m trying to say is that I don’t dislike you in any way because I choose you. If you weren’t here with me today no one else would be”



Kyungsoo and I made quite a good routine for ourselves. In front of people we held and looked like a loving couple, but nothing beyond that. While some people thought we were cold towards one another, others only saw as reserved people who didn’t need to show how much in love they were in front of people. When we were home we took turns cooking and cleaning, when I cooked he cleaned and vice versa.

It was comfortable living with each other and we were friends, something that made our lives a lot easier.

It took me a long time to understand that Kyungsoo had chosen me. At first I thought the whole marriage with me thing started because it would be easier to explain how we managed to hide our relationship for so long. It would be easy to lie saying that we hid it so well because we worked together so no one would really gest suspicious about us. I honestly thought that was the case, especially because it was the excuse his management gave to people.

On top of that, his words confused me in a way that I didn’t think it was possible. It didn’t confuse only my head but also my feelings towards him. I had never seen Kyungsoo as more than my boss. Before the wedding that is. To me he was just the man who paid me to choose his clothes and do his makeup when he needed it.

Somewhere along the way my feelings for him escalated, ever so slowly. What was once just employer/employee relationship became a friendship and then it became something else.

But soon enough I realized that the only one who had those feelings was me. Although Kyungsoo never went out and brought girls home he also never showed any kind of romantic feelings towards me. And I was honestly okay with it.

Both of us were doing the whole marriage thing for different reasons. Kyungsoo was in it because the wanted the rumors and speculations to go away and I were doing it because I wanted out and away from my mother. So for the sake of our relationship, the small one we had built over the few months we lived together, I decided to suppress my feelings. They were mine and no one else’s so I should deal with them on my own.

But one day everything changed.

I’m not sure how it happened to be honest. It was a regular day: he had a few morning schedules but he was free during the day. We decided on ordering food since none of us felt like cooking. After we were done eating we sat on living room, a bottle of wine between us and an easy conversation floating around.

“My back is killing me” I complained, massaging my neck.

“Why? What happened?”

I rotated my neck trying to relieve myself a little bit from the pain.

“I was wearing heels today and your chair was really low. I don’t know, maybe I slept on a weird position. I’ll take something later”

I smiled at him and took another sip of the wine. I kept my eyes on Kyungsoo waiting for him to continue what he was saying but I was startled once he stood up and disappeared down the hallway.

“Well, I guess that’s it for today”

I got up and took the glasses and bottle back to kitchen, leaving it on the table because I was in no mood for cleaning. I made sure to turn all the lights off before going to my room. I never complained about Kyungsoo’s behavior. I tried as much as I possibly could understand him, I knew how hard and stressing his work could be so I never really demanded his attention when he didn’t want to give it, his words when he wanted to be silent.

“What are you doing? Why did you come back here?” Kyungsoo asked after he knocked on my door.

I stopped pulling the blanket out of the bed and blinked up at him, not understanding what he was saying.

“You left so I thought you were tired”

“I went to get this” he held up something that looked like a muscle pad and a bottle of moisturizer “Come on, take your shirt off”

My eyes went wide and I took a step back, shaking my head vigorously at him.

“Didn’t you say that your back is killing you? This will help” I kept shaking my head with my eyes still wide while Kyungsoo rolled his and sighed “I’m trying to help you out, Eun Byul”

I started to mumble something that even I couldn’t understand myself. I knew that every second that tickled by Kyungsoo lost the very little patience he had.

“Can you turn around, please?”

He nodded and did as I asked.

Nothing bad would come out of it, right? Nothing too bad, I hoped.

He was just giving me a little helping hand; there was nothing wrong with that. I would have refused his help but it’s hard to reach your own back, especially with sore muscles, and it wasn’t like I was going to be completely naked either.

I took my shirt off and held it against my chest, while I sat down on the bed facing the wall.

“Okay, you can look now”

I sat there expectantly wondering what his next move would be. The bed dipped behind me and soon enough I felt Kyungsoo’s hands on my back, moving slowly in circles. As the seconds went by I felt I felt myself get more and more relaxed, so much that a small sigh escaped my lips.

“What is that?” I asked him.

“It’s something that my mother makes; it always helps me so I knew it would help you”

I nodded and sighed in relief, my back was already so much relaxed than before. I was afraid that when Kyungsoo told me to take my shirt off I wouldn’t be able to relax at all. But the moment his hands touched me I knew it was only a matter of time until I felt at ease.

Kyungsoo finished his job by putting the pad on my back. His fingers lingered on my skin for longer than necessary and I held my breath.

“Okay it’s done”

I pulled my shirt over my head quickly and turned to look at him. A thank you ready to be said, but one that never actually left my mouth. The moment our eyes locked Kyungsoo leaned forward, his lips pressing ever so lightly against mine, testing the waters.

I was frozen in place, unsure of what was happening. My eyes still wide open, my hands still clasped together on my lap. But my confusion only last for a second before I held on to his arms and moved forward so that we were closer.

I’m not sure how it happened or why it happened in the first place but I didn’t want to let it go. I didn’t want to over think what was happening. For once I just wanted to enjoy the moment and let completely.

Kyungsoo pulled me against him so that I was straddling his lap. I wrapped my hand around his neck, my hands going to his hair. Soon our clothes were on the floor and we were a mess of tangled bodies, sweat, moans and whispered words.


 

I woke up alone in the next morning so it was very clear that what had happened was a one-time thing. I was disappointed but not all that surprised.

Maybe I expected that if something happened between Kyungsoo and me it would become something real but I was wrong and I had to hold it in. It all became all the more clear when I saw him the next morning, when I looked at him you couldn’t say that anything happened.

So I held it together and smiled at him. Everything that I did that day was with a smile on my face, pretending to be the happiest person. Knocked on his in the early morning so that weren’t late, held his hand and smiled at his friends and seniors.

We got home very late that day, way past midnight. I took a quick shower and curled myself in my bed. It felt slightly weird to be lying on my bed. I was used to sleep on my own, that certainly wasn’t the problem, the problem was the smell in my sheets. I thought that Kyungsoo’s smell would be gone by the time we got back but I was wrong. I laid in bed that night I could still fell his perfume lingering in the air, his presence still very clear by my side.

I curled myself more, hoping that sleep would come soon. I could barely keep my eyes open when we were in the car but the minute my head hit the pillow I was wide awake and that was the worst thing that could happen to me. The next would be a long one as well so I needed to recharge, at least for a little bit.

“Ah, this won’t do” I heard Kyungsoo say from the hallway.

The door to my room was slightly open so I could hear him leaving his bedroom and walking around the house. He should be asleep too; his day would be that much longer than mine. But I didn’t dare to say a single word. He hated when people kept tabs on him, he would let it slide if it was his manager but he didn’t enjoy when other people did the same.

I was finally falling asleep when I felt the bed dip being me and a body close to mine.

I screamed, my hands going up to cover my face.

“Calm down, it’s just me” a very sleepy Kyungsoo said from behind me.

I wanted to turn around and look at him but I remained in place, afraid that if I made a sudden move he would be gone and what was happening was nothing but a dream.

“Kyungsoo” I whispered so lowly that I’m not even sure if those words actually left my mouth.

He moved forward on the bed so that his body was touching mine from behind, his going around my waist until his hand reached mine. He held my hand for a second before he intertwined our fingers.

“We’ll talk in the morning, Eun Byul” he buried his face in my hair, his nose touching me neck “We’ll talk in the morning”


 

Morning came and we never actually talked but things certainly changed between us. We started to sleep in the same bed every night. For a while I was still insure of what was going on so I never went to him. I stayed in my bed, wide awake, waiting for him, hoping that he would come to me. And I always sighed in relief when I heard the door open and a second later his arm was around me protectively. When I woke up in the mornings he was still there, not gone like in that first night.

“You know it’s no wonder that sometimes you complain about your back. Your bed is terrible"

He said that while we were in the car going to the set. When we got home that day my bed was still in place but the mattress was gone. When I asked him about it all he said was:

“I told you your bed was terrible”

Eventually he got me my bed back but only after I moved all of my things to his bedroom and I stayed there permanently.

Suddenly Kyungsoo was holding my hand even when people weren’t looking, when it was just the two of us. He kissed whenever he wanted, especially when we were home. He would come out of nowhere and kiss my shoulder, my forehead, my lips. He never said anything, he would just kiss me and smile. Once I got ballzy enough to ask why and his only answer was “just because”.

Even though I loved all the changes I still had so many questions: were Kyungsoo’s sudden feelings for me genuine or they were a product of our current situation? Was it going to last another two years, whatever it was that we had? And more importantly, would it last longer than that? I didn’t have answers for all of those questions and I wasn’t sure that I wanted to find them.

Maybe, just maybe, I could live with the not knowing and just enjoy the moment we were living. Not over think things like I always did and just enjoy what he was willing to give and let go of all doubts.


 

I hadn’t seen my mother since the wedding. I kept on sending her money, just like I promised her I would, so she stayed away. But I suppose she started to think that money I sent every month was no longer enough.

How did she manage to find that place, Kyungsoo’s very secluded and secret home, was beyond me. I didn’t even want to think about the things she did to get past security. But there she was standing in the doorway.

The only thing that didn’t change about my mother was the look on her face, everything else from her clothes to her hair was different. But I couldn’t really understand why she would look at me like that. Since I was a little girl she told me that I should marry well, someone rich who could give me nice life and I was sure that in her eyes Kyungsoo was all of that.

“You sure live a nice life. Look at this place”

My mother walked right past me and sat on the couch, while I was still stand at the door.

“How did you find us, mother?” I asked with a sigh and closed the door.

“Security isn’t the best in that agency. All I had to do was say that I’m your mother”

I rolled my eyes at his disdain face. My information probably wasn’t top secret because I wasn’t an artist or anything. Even so, my name was connected to Kyungsoo’s so they should have been more careful.

My mother stood up and walked around touching the furniture and looking at the pictures Kyungsoo and I had recently put on display. A few months back we had put some of our pictures together in frames. Wedding pictures, pictures we took while being on set, some of our trips together.

“Seen how you live now, one you think that you’d be a little more giving towards your mother”

Of course that would be the only reason why she would look for me.

“I already send you all of my paycheck, mother”

That was a lie. I send her a lot, almost all of it, but I always kept some to myself. I didn’t know what was going to happen to Kyungsoo and me, so I liked to put some money aside because I sure as heck would not go back to my mother’s house. Living with her before the wedding was already hard enough, I couldn’t begin to imagine how much worse it would be after the divorce. Plus, it took me twenty two years to get away from her I wasn’t just going to throw myself back into that hell hole again.

“You could always ask some to that rich husband of yours”

Her smile was filled with poison. I used to think that her smile was real until I realized that it was nothing more than a simple tactic to deceive her sixteen year old daughter.

“You can go now, mother”

I opened the door again and waited for her to stand up and finally leave me alone. My day had already been long enough, stressful enough. After a long night and morning of shooting Kyungsoo still had meetings to attend to so he told me to go home and get some rest. I had just finished my long bath when my mother knocked on my door.

“You know, you shouldn’t leave such a handsome man walking around like that. It could be dangerous”

“I’m not psychotic, I trust him. That’s the one good thing that I did not learned from you, mother”

I never screamed at my mother, tried very hard not to be rude to her, but that doesn’t mean that at times my words weren’t harsh. I had to find a way to protect myself from her and my words were the only weapon that I had against her.

In one second my mother was standing right in front of me, her raised hand going straight to my face. I closed my eyes and waited for the hit that never came. I opened my eyes and saw my mother’s wide eyes looking at the hand that held her arm just a few centimeters away from my face. Turning around I saw Kyungsoo with a look on his face that I have never witnessed before.

“Why is it that every time I see you, you are about to physically harass my wife?

My mother’s eyes went wide and she pulled her arm away from Kyungsoo’s grip. She tried to say something in her defense but my husband raised his hand stopping her.

“Find a way to provide for yourself. Eun Byul will not send you money again”

I turned around completely facing him and put my hand on his chest, my eyes begging his to find mine, just for a second.

“Please, don’t do this” I said when I finally hot his attention “Don’t get worked up because of her, she’s not worth the trouble. Please, go inside and get some rest. I’ll make sure she leaves”

After almost a minute of silence Kyungsoo nodded, moving away slowly from the door and disappearing at the end of the hallway. I only turned back to look at my mother when I heard the bedroom door close.

“Go home, mother. You are not welcomed here”

When I looked at my mother I knew that she was desperate, her eyes were still wide. She reached for my hands, frantic.

“You’re not going to do what he said, right? You’re not going to leave me under the rain, will you? I’m your mother, Eun Byul”

I shook my head and took a step aside, pulling my hands away from her grasp.

“I don’t know. It would be fair though, wouldn’t it? After everything you put me through”

My mother kept trying to reason with me but I refused to listen to her. I kept my eyes closed and my head down until my mother ruffed in annoyance and finally left.


 

That night I couldn’t fall sleep. I kept tossing and moving around until I finally set my eyes on the ceiling. All I could think about was my childhood and those little moments when me and my parents were an actual family. We were so happy on those moments. Sometimes I found myself wishing that we could somehow go back, wishing that I could that little ten year old girl once again.

I turned on my side and looked at Kyungsoo. I could only truly see half of his face while the other side was pressed against the pillow. He tightened his arm around me and sighed.

“That’s not creepy at all, starring at someone while they sleep”

I was so startled by his sudden words that I moved my body away but he held me in place.

“You scared me” I whispered.

This time I moved closer to him so that our bodies were touching.

“Because you were being a creep”

We were silent for a few minutes just starring at one another until Kyungsoo finally broke the silence we had fallen into.

“You haven’t slept yet, have you?” I narrowed my eyes at him. He didn’t need me to say anything to know what I wanted to ask “If you don’t sleep, I don’t sleep. That’s how this works”

I was glad that he wasn’t directly asking me about my mother. One thing that happened often between Kyungsoo and I was that we would talk about whatever that was bothering us when we felt ready to do so. Eventually we always ended up talking but we never pressed the other person.

“I was thinking about my dad” I buried my face on his chest before continuing “About my childhood, about how much I miss him”

Kyungsoo stayed quiet for a moment before pulling away slightly.

“Do you want me to look for him?” my eyes went wide and I sat up, turning the bed side lamp “Okay. I guess we are sitting up”

“Are you serious?” he nodded leaning against the headboard “It’s not like I haven’t tried to him before”

“I know, but it’s been a few years. And you haven’t hired someone to find him”

Did I really wanted to find my father or was I just shaken because of the fight I had with my mother earlier? Of course that part of me wanted to know how my dad was, what he was doing with his life.

“You know, I don’t resent my father for leaving my mother. I never did. I can understand where he was coming from to make that decision. I resent him for leaving me behind, for leaving me to deal with all of her craziness on my own when he knew exactly how she is”

“Why don’t we find him and you can say all of those things to him yourself?”


 

The clock was ticking and our marriage agreement was reaching its end. We only had another moth left. We didn’t bring it up, never once before. I guess that it was the kind of subject that we weren’t supposed to talk about.

On one night we were both home. Kyungsoo had a couple of days off before movie preparations started so we decided to stay home instead of going away to somewhere like we had a few times before. I was quieter than usual, thinking about what would happen next.

Without letting anyone know I started to look for places to live and a new job. I didn’t want to let everything to the last minute, in hopes for something that could never actually happen. I went out to look at some places but they were always too far away or too big for just one person or completely terrible to live in. I tried to be stealth about it by putting my phone side when Kyungsoo was around me but I think that he eventually caught on what I was doing. But even then he didn’t say a word.

“So, I’ve been thinking” Kyungsoo started and I narrowed my eyes at him.

He was never one to start conversations but whenever I started them he would be completely immersed in it, even if it was something trivial and without much importance.

“That can’t be good” I joked.

He was sitting at the edge of the bed drying his hair with a towel and I nagged him my foot but held on to it, not letting me pull my foot back. He turned his body completely towards me. He moved his fingers on my foot, massaging it slowly.

“I’m serious about this so you have to be too” I nodded and whipped the smile off of my face “I know you’ve been looking for an apartment and a new job and, in a certain level, that’s okay. We haven’t talked about it yet so I want to talk about it now.”

He was sort of rambling and it was really cute. I have only seen that side of him once, nervous and fidgeting. But I liked it whenever it came out because it made me feel like I wasn’t the only one who felt nervous around him at times.

“Our time is running out but I don’t want to end what we have. I don’t want you to go and I don’t want us to get a divorce. I never said it before but I like you and I think it’s to say that you like me”

Kyungsoo and I never really talked about it but at times I felt like I wasn’t the only one who had those feelings. His words never existed before that moment but his actions were always there. When he nursed me during a couple of days when I was so sick that I could hardly tell right from left, when he offered to find my father, when he stood up for me in front of my mother. There were so many other occasions when I thought that he genuine feelings for me.

“Kyungsoo…” I whispered and let a tiny smile trying to break free on my face again “Do you really mean it?”

He let go of my foot and crawled over me until we were face to face, his arms on each side of my head. His words not louder than a whisper, matching my own.

“Have I ever said something that I didn’t mean before?” I shook my head, never looking away from him “Then what makes you think that this time is any different?”

“Okay”

I wrapped my arm around his neck, my hands going to his short hair that he was growing out again. Kyungsoo leaned forward, closing the small gap between us with his lips. I deepened the kiss when I pulled him closer to me so that our bodies were almost as close as they could get. I parted my legs, making room for him and pulled his shirt up and threw it on the floor.

“Okay”


 

If there was one thing that learned from my mother was that sometimes people had glass ceiling. And Kyungsoo and I certainly had one.

It took only three days. Just three days after he asked me to stay, openly said that he like me, she showed up.

Eun Suk.

She was an actress too and he knew her form before. Before me, that is. Eun Suk was the female lead of Kyungsoo’s new movie, so we were close to her. And when she was around it was like I wasn’t there. They had inside jokes, memories together. Things they never let me have a piece of.

I couldn’t control my jealousy and to be honest I didn’t even try to control it. I went online was searched them up and I was just proved right of my suspicions. There were old news about the two of them together, rumors about the two of them dating, pictures that showed that they were a lot more than just close friends, as they claimed to be.

Since the whole deal between Kyungsoo and me took place I decided to keep myself away from the internet and any means that could report my relationship with him but that day I could not help it. And soon enough I remembered why I decided to stay away in the first place.

People were already wondering if Kyungsoo and Eun Suk were having an affair, if the movie was just an excuse to have a flashback of the past, if Kyungsoo and I were falling apart due to the lack of news about us.

That’s why I kept to myself whenever she was around. I tried to grab his attention when we were home but he was always too tired to talk and I didn’t want to push him too much. When we had an early day I asked him if we could have a dinner date saying that we could go to one of those reserved places we had been to a few times before but he dumped me for Eun Suk. He wanted to have dinner with her. “Catch on the old times”, he said.

On the first day of the shooting we got there on time, arrived even a little bit early. I did what I was supposed to do. Did his makeup, made sure he looked flawless in every way possible. And for a few minutes it was like when we were at home, just the two of us. But everything stopped when Eun Suk showed up. Kyungsoo was out of his chair so fast that the thing fell down.

I took his seat and kept my eyes on my hands for a few minutes before I started to slowly put away the makeup I had used on Kyungsoo. From the corner of my eyes I saw Baekhyun approaching. He leaned back against the dresses and folded his arm against his chest.

Baekhyun was also an actor and in the four years that I had worked for Kyungsoo the two of them had worked together a few times. They were so friendly towards each other that we even received Baekhyun in our house for a dinner, he had brought his girlfriend along and the four of us had quite a nice night together.

“Someone looks lonely” he said teasingly but I knew that there was a lot more meaning behind his words. I just chose to ignore it.

“I was just thinking, nothing much”

“You could always tell me” he pressed on.

I adverted my eye from Baekhyun for a second and looked at Kyungsoo and Eun Suk. At her hand in his shoulder, at the way Kyungsoo’s eyes were squished close because of something Eun Suk said was just really funny.

“You know when you are thinking about so many things at once that you end up not thinking about anything at all?” I turned to Baekhyun and smiled when he nodded at me “That’s how I feel right now.”



I tried so hard to push my jealousy away, to the depts. Of my mind and for a few days it worked. I could pretend that nothing was wrong. I knew that Kyungsoo would never do anything because he simply wasn’t that kind of person. So at times it was easy to close my eyes to whatever was happening.

But it all changed when he started to call me by her name. On the first time it happened Kyungsoo realized what he did and he apologized for it. The problem was that his confusion didn’t happen only that day. It kept happening, so much that I stopped trying to correct him all together.

The last drop was when we were in the car, going to the set.

“Eun Suk what do you want to have for dinner tonight?”

That was the moment I decided that when the divorce papers arrived from his agency I would sign them and leave quietly.

I just slept for like 14 hours yet here i am still wanting to sleeep more

2

disloyal order of water buffaloes // fall out boy

pc: @qdeanna
4

Lance! let him eat the vegetable!!

I want them to at least hang out a little more in s3, and what’s a better way to do it than giving some skin care tips to your local living-in-the-desert boy?