you know when you’re motivated but like, in the wrong way?? like “i’m ready to do all my laundry and clean the whole apartment and do dishes and vacuum and -” like ok champ that’s great but why don’t we focus on those two projects due monday first
this time, i’m not coming back. this time,
i’m kissing my knuckles before i stop clenching them
and finding the strength you never saw in me.
i am realizing i am much too soft to win the war
with my bare hands. this time, i am walking away
instead. i am realizing you are no good for me.
you are the color of loneliness. you feel like
being lost in the woods, but i am addicted
to how i feel when i find my way back home.
home. i thought i could carve one inside of you,
but in the end, the only one being haunted
is me. i’m at work thinking about how
the world would be better if you weren’t
in it. i’m in class wondering if my feelings
are as irrelevant as you have made them.
but i still laugh when you text me. i smile
when i’m with you, then go home and
wash my mouth out with soap. i love to feel
the love in my heart for you, but the truth is,
i’m still dealing with the aftermath of your
absence. i always wanted you to come back,
but the truth is, you never did one damn thing
that was good for me. you have a tsunami heart
and i am so tired of being caught in the wreckage.
so no more you first. no more feeling bad when
i leave your messages unanswered. no more
jealousy over the girls who get to be friends
with you with no consequence. i have to let this
go. i have to stop touching the wound and
breathe you out like the bad habit you are.
you don’t get to hurt me anymore.
i am finished. i am finished.
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