You gradually get over the pain. It doesn’t go away, not for a long time, but it becomes easier to live with. One morning you wake up, and he’s not the first thing on your mind. And then a few months down the line, you realize you’ve made it through half the day without thinking of him. Sometimes it takes months, sometimes years, but eventually you reach a point when you only think about them occasionally. You manage to do this because you don’t see them, you don’t hear about them, and you try not to think about them. And then you bump into them walking down the street, or someone unexpected mentions their name and the memories come flooding back. But memories also become less painful in time.

It has occurred to me that if I had a weight loss tracker in my blog header I’d be getting a whole lot less hate. If I went on and on about my weight loss journey making daily entries about how I stayed under my calorie limit or how many minutes a day I exercised I wouldn’t get the ‘but have you ever thought about losing weight?’ questions. 

Because let me tell you, I cannot tell you of ONE woman who has not thought about losing weight at least once in their lives- fat or otherwise. If you don’t think that’s true I want to be living in whatever reality you’ve managed to find yourself in. 

I have nothing against those who DO choose to make weight loss blogs. I’ve certainly thought about it, but in the long run that’s not the message I want to put out there. I decided to take it upon myself to put more positive images of a fat chick being active and having a hell of a good time while doing it. I don’t know about anyone else, but I feel more motivated to be active when I see someone who looks like me out there kicking ass. Photos of tiny girls looking perfect doesn’t do anything for me. They’re lovely, of course. We’re surrounded by these images. We see them every day. But no matter how hard I work, I will never be them.

And I DO work hard. I am losing weight. I am getting stronger. But a size 00 perfectly toned fitness model in perfectly coordinated workout gear? It’s not realistic for me. And hating myself because I don’t look like that? I spent enough time doing that. I’m over it. Yes I’m fat. Yes I’m working on improving myself. But my fat body has done some amazing things for me. It continues to do so. It is powerful, it is capable, and yes I find it beautiful. (and no, you don’t have to find it any of these things, this is just my experience while living in it)

So you can continue to think you know everything about me based on a gif thats over a year old. That my heart condition was caused by my weight (it wasn’t). That I hate skinny people (I don’t). That I have no interest in losing weight (I do and I am). 

But losing weight will not suddenly redeem who I am. There is nothing to redeem. Weighing less will not make me a better human being, it will not make me more beautiful. It will only make me thinner. 

Please tell me I’m not the only person in the phandom that’s starting to feel frankly overwhelmed. 

There’s so much content to keep up with at the moment and it’s all so exciting like when I say my heart can’t take much more, I literally mean it. It’s doing some worrying palpitation things. 

Calling all my fellow Barduil trash bags!

My next fic will be my 100th barduil fic! Which is super exciting and a bit of a milestone for my level of barduil trashiness.

So I have decided to find out what you guys want for this! Your options are:

  1. 5 + 1 fic
  2. Genderbend
  3. A fic based on this gifset
  4. ‘For some reason we have to share a bed’ fic
  5. Teacher/Student au

Reblog/reply to this and let me know in a comment or in the tags what you would like to see! I will count up tomorrow and get writing!