hm let people, but especially let fucking teenagers, be “edgy” if they want to, alright?
let us dye our hair and rip up our clothes
let us write shitty poetry and let us complain on our blogs
let us listen to dark music and let us wax poetic about graveyards and eyeliner
let us listen to angsty music let us draw weird art let us fucking live!!
don’t try to shit on fucking kids for being interested in shit and trying to express themselves because it’s “”“edgy”“” and “”“cringey”“”
support the baby punks and goths and emos and alllll of that shit
there’s literally no reason to be mean about it. protect the edgy kids.
“Is Bruce in here?” Tim figured he might be— Bruce spent a lot of time in the children’s wing of Wayne Enterprises. There were a dozen or so kids in daycare most weekdays, and Bruce liked to hang out.
Tim liked to hang out too. They had nice snacks, and he’d known most of the kids since they were toddlers. And sometimes naps were mandatory.
“Conference call,” Damian told him. (For someone who claimed to hate naps, snackfood, kids, and humanity in general, Damian also spent a lot of time in the children’s wing.) “I don’t know where.”
He went back to what he was doing, which was arranging a set of pewter soldiers into a complex model of a battlefield, presumably for the benefit of the preschooler sitting next to him.
“The Battle of Issus, 333 BC.”
“Right, obviously.” Tim decided he was curious, so he settled down on the mats to watch. Damian finished his model; he pulled a marker from the art table and used it as a pointer.
“Okay. This is the Macedonian army, outnumbered but in the better tactical position, south of the Pinarus River. Their leader is Alexander the Great. And this—” He pointed to his enemy line. “—is the Achaemenid Empire. They’re about to lose.”
Damian tapped his marker on the Macedonian right. “This is the companion calvary, Alexander’s elite force, and they—” he cut off when he noticed his pupil digging in the toy bin, clearly distracted. The kid came up with a battered Transformer, which he set behind Damian’s lines.
“Elliot. Alexander did not have robots.”
“But,” said Tim, rummaging through the box himself, “did he have wizards?” He pulled a bearded magician out of the tub and held it up for Damian to see.
“You know he didn’t.”
Tim passed the wizard to Elliot. “But what if he did?”
“How would that go?”
“Abracadabra, Alexander!” Elliot yelled, gleefully smashing through Damian’s entire left flank.
“Damn it, Drake.” Damian sighed in frustration— not quite the rise Tim was hoping for, but still something. He dropped Elliot’s discarded robot back into the box.
“I don’t know what you were expecting,” Tim told him. “Elliot’s four. He’s too young for— what is this— military history?”
“He was doing fine before you showed up.” Damian started to re-erect his soldiers, but he gave it up after Elliot came in for a second pass. “Which is typical, isn’t it?”
“Thank you.” Damian crossed his arms. “Fine. I’ll bite. When is he supposed to learn this kind of thing?”
“High school? Maybe never.”
“That can’t be right.”
“Have I ever lied to you?”
“Frequently.” Damian rolled his eyes. “I’m getting a second opinion.”
Damian checked the room for potential allies. “Thomas?” he called over his shoulder, “You learned military strategy as a kid, right?”
Duke looked up from the book he was reading to a pair of kindergardeners. “Just you, man.”
“Told you.” Tim fished a bag of plastic ninja from the toy box and arranged them pointedly into a row. “How are you still surprised by this kind of thing?”
Damian glared at him. “Okay, first of all? I’m not a— hold on a second. Elliot!”
Elliot froze with a large, plastic dinosaur held aloft over the battlefield. He drew it sheepishly back to his chest. “Sorry.”
“Not in the calvary wing,” Damian told him. “You’ll scare the horses.”
“Here?” Elliot pointed to the front of the phalanx.
“Aim for his center.” Damian turned back to Tim. “Anyway. Why are you still talking to me? I thought we had an agreement about unnecessary contact.”
From sunset to sunrise is a long time. These patrol shenanigans are bound to happen:
•Chicken fights begin on the roof tops of Gotham. Steph on Tim’s back, Cass on Jason’s, Damian on Dick’s, and Duke on Bab’s. When they’re feeling particularly daring(or bored) they have piggy back races from roof top to roof top. The fun evidently ends with someone nearly falls off a roof.
•Someone buys a cake(most likely Steph or Jason) and all eight bat kids find a spot on a secluded roof to wolf down the mammoth of a chocolate cake. Back at the manor, they nearly pass Alfred’s attentive eye till he catches an icing smear across Stephs gloves. Steph is now on a temporary suspension from the cake eating club.
•Girls vs boys dance competitions. The score gets real tough to judge when Dick and Barbara get real into it. We’re talking epic sprinkler and moon walks. Jason nearly fell off the roof he laughed so hard.
•With what each of the bat kids has been through, it’s rare any of them can scare one another, but that doesn’t persuade them from trying. A jump scare or a deranged mask usually gets a laugh. Each kid has tried new and clever ways to get a scream out of one another. No trick has worked till one night someone(no one has stepped up) scared Damian so bad, you could have heard his scream from across the block. It’s safe to say non of the kids have and will ever let him live that one down.
•It’s not a secret that Bruce keeps a close eye on all the kids durning the night, so it has became a well kept secret amongst the bat kids of how to sneak junk food into patrol. The heist mostly consists of two groups, one to distract Bruce and the other to run into a local convenient store and buy a full bag of sugary sweets. Gummies or anything high in sugar was banned from the Wayne house after Tim and Duke went on a sugar high and sang A Whole New World as they swung through the streets.
•Hand stand contests begin on the edge of rooftops during snack brake. Dick always wins. Tim is the first to go down, usually because Jason or Damian knocks his balance off.
•Speaking of snack brake… The kids regularly drop by Micky D’s by taking a walk through the drive threw, where they always get free food.
•And still speaking of snack brake… Slushies on the clock tower is a regular tradition. The bat kids come together as a collective and walk into the nearest gas station to load up on two slushies each(cause, you know, where does one get the energy to run over roof tops and fight bad guys?). But they were caught and banned by Bruce from all gas stations when the security footage was aired on national news tv.
•Jason found two abandoned water guns on the river bank. He than proceeded to spray every member of the bat family(except Selina) with the putrid river water. It didn’t end well for him when he got Babs in the eye. Let’s just say he’ll be feeling it in his nads for a couple of weeks.
•It’s kinda a known secret that the police HQ roof is a hot spot for “bat family sightings.” An Instagram fan page was made by an
anonymous Gothamite, which started an “unofficial competition” amongst the bat kids of who could be featured the most on the page.
•Steph created a snapchat account called the Night Birds. With her smart phone she followed each member of the bat family around, capturing spotlight moments. Some of these moments were of Jason making sarcastic kissing gestures that were directed at Dick; Damian slipping on a rain slick roof and loudly cussing in Arabic as he lands on his butt; Dick doing a perfect pirouette with Cassie(both in their uniforms on top of the clock tower); Dick, Duke, and Tim singing and jigging out to Beyonce’s Single Ladies that Dick had turned up on full volume on his phone on top the police station(an amused Gordon and an unimpressed Batman stand in the background); and Tim and Jason having an overly dramatic sword fight with two katanas they stole from Damian(the next video is of a Red Hood and a Red Robin laughing hysterically as they run from a raging Robin).