you want to paint the underside of your coffin with glow in the dark stars so you’ve got something to look at. when you were in mass last sunday god spoke to you directly and asked you to please stop it. you’ve been trying to stop it.
she’s wearing a red dress that hugs her waist so tight that you picture your hands searching for your sanity somewhere in the folds of that body. between thighs like that. is this objectifying her? you worry to yourself, smashing lipstick on.
your head already hurts, and there’s a girl who is puking in the corner. you ask her if she needs anything, and she tells you she likes your dress, and you say thank you do you need water, and she says, it’s okay i’m going to die here, and you say, okay let me bring you water. so you bring her water, even though the other girls look nasty at you when you cut the line. it’s not for me, you try to explain, weakly, over bass that is breaking your eardrums. nobody likes a hero. the girl is surprised you’re back. she spits up daintily, almost neatly, and drinks the water in a single chug. she tells you to go back to partying, so you do, because she tells you to.
where the hell is your friend. it’s not like she promised she’d stay next to you but here you are and here she isn’t, which is either rude for both of you or just the average way of things.
nervous hands bring you back to the bar where at least you can linger and pout and think about god, and his hands, and the sun coming up tomorrow on the bones of your body. where if you keep your eyes down and don’t look up you won’t remember that all places of worship are churches and here you are, nursing a vodka tonic you finished five minutes ago, praying about hell while women cagedance not more than six yards from where you sit.
a man in a suit - an honest-to-god suit - comes up to you. the cloth is powder blue. he asks if you want a drink. you don’t. you say yes because your mother taught you not to turn down free things. he orders you something you don’t like and you lean across the bar and tell the bartender nicely that unless he wants you to die you will be drinking a shot of fireball and nothing else, thank you. the bartender says, i don’t want you to die.
you don’t say, okay, but, what if someone would finally let me die. that’s dark. that’s something you stow for your friend who has a good enough sense of humor.
you smile at the man, take the shot, wave at him, ask him to come dance, melt away into the crowd with that ability you learned somewhere in high school. now you’re alone again and can’t go back to the bar because the man will be looking. you remember you’ve got a phone finally.
you ask your friend where she is. she doesn’t reply coherently, but you like the addition of the cat emoji.
some terrible part of you slips into your skin now, the ache of wanting out. so you go out.
and there’s the girl in the red dress.
you feel yourself choke like a car engine and it’s gosh dang embarrassing.
she’s laughing, blowing smoke up at the building. a man is standing next to her, but she makes eye contact with you. you ask her if she’s willing to bum you one. you’ve never smoked in your life and you’re terrified of them like guns. she nods and slips you a clover. you don’t let your hands shake in the glow of the lighter, only after, only when she smiles at you and asks you how you’re doing.
how am i doing? i’m very lonely and i think god abandoned me and it feels like a train wreck inside me. i feel myself reversing. my headlights are going out. tomorrow already hurts.
instead you shrug and say something inconsequential. you say, that’s a nice dress. even manage to keep how hard your heart is pounding out of it.
isn’t it? asks the man. you now remember he’s here. you have the urge to smoke suddenly. inhale deeply.
sorry to bother you, you say, just got too loud in there.
she nods, looking at you, mouth in a pretty smile. not bothering, she says, it’s okay. want to go back in with me?
her outstretched hand is soft and cold. you drop the clover. once inside she shouts over the music to you about how men are creeps. her lip touches your ear while she speaks. her hand doesn’t leave yours. she pulls you to the dance floor. your heart feels like a carousel.
she dances. your throat is dry. she takes your other hand and makes you dance with her, a silly little twisting thing. your palms are sweaty and she is laughing. she leans in to speak with you, pressing up against your body. there is lightning shooting out over your skin. she smells like roses. her hair seems soft.
she’s whispering something and for a second, the sound of corroding stops in your brain. like the train finally derailed and now it’s dead and can leave you out of it. like stuff gets quiet even though you’re drunk in public on a friday night.
so this is worship, then, you think.
you say, sorry, and she says ? for what? and you can’t speak.
was invented just to make girls starve so they can fit in a dress and
compete over a stupid title.”
–” Derek blinks, eyes his sister dubiously, “I’m not a girl?”
the kitchen Laura bursts out laughing. “Don’t worry.” She yells.
“Cora is just jealous she will have to wait five
years to go to her own prom.”
not going!” Cora yells back. “Prom is stupid, I don’t even know
why you’re going,” she tells Derek, “it’s not like you know how
to have fun.”
raises an eyebrow while Laura just laughs harder. “Oh my god.”
Their older sister says. “I stay away for six months and Cora turns
into a sassy queen.” She walks into the living room, pretends to
wipe at her eyes. “I’m so
two are ridiculous.” Derek says, turning around. “And I’m just
going because Erica promised to pay me. With ice cream.” Then he
gives Cora a wicked smile. “That I’m not going to share with either
are the worst brother!” Cora yells as he begins to climb the
stairs. “And I hope you fall on your ass while trying
hear you!” Derek’s cell begins to ring. “Too busy getting ready
Laura lets out a high-pitched laughter. “I love you two so much.”
Derek shakes his head fondly, closes his bedroom door behind himself
just as Cora tells Laura to shut up. “Hey.” He answers the phone,
collapsing on his bed. “What’s up?”
Stiles answers, “whatcha doing?”
to my sisters fight.” He says, snorting when he hears his dad start
complaining about all the yelling and ‘no, Cora, I’m not letting you
go to prom, you’re thirteen!’.
“I’m gonna have to check the trunk of my car tomorrow night.”
laughs. “She’s not that
you keep teaching her, she will be.” Derek blurts out, curses
himself mentally when he realizes it came out harsher than he
It’s just – sometimes he can’t help it. He’s known Stiles since
they were four, Cora wasn’t even born then, but one day she turned
eleven and Stiles became her new favorite person. Stiles couldn’t
find it funnier and took Cora as his little apprentice. He even
taught her how to cheat on Mario Kart.
never taught Derek that.
Derek rolls his eyes, thinks about his little sister still downstairs
pouting and trying to convince their dad that she’s old enough to go
out. He shouldn’t be jealous of her, but the thing is – he grew up
with two sisters, he knows how to share toys and food, but he doesn’t
know how to share Stiles.
“I think, just like Iris’ sort of grieving in her own way for Barry’s terrible faith, I think also, Cisco is - There is definitely still a part of him that’s missing. You know, he is like, his counterpart. You know, I think Caitlin’s been like a sister to him”.
‘ when i was a kid, whenever i’d feel small or lonely, i’d look up at the stars. wondered if there was life up there. ‘
‘ tens of thousands of lives were lost. ‘
‘ this was just the beginning. ‘
‘ to fight monsters, we created monsters of our own. ‘
‘ we got really good at it. winning. ‘
‘ hey, kid. don’t get cocky. ‘
‘ please, after you. age before beauty. ‘
‘ you know what i’m thinking. ‘
‘ worry about yourself, kiddo! ‘
‘ ___, listen to me! ‘
‘ suits and ties, flashy smiles. that’s all they are. ‘
‘ bad news: three guys died yesterday. ‘
‘ well, orders are orders. what else am i supposed to do? ‘
‘ took me a while to find you. ‘
‘ i can’t have anyone else in my head again. i’m done. ‘
‘ haven’t you heard? the world is coming to an end. ‘
‘ so where would you rather die? here, or ____? ‘
‘ oh, no, call me ___. only my mother calls me doctor. ‘
‘ he was 2,500 tons of awesome. or awful. you know, whatever you wanna call it. ‘
‘ shut up. i don’t love them, okay? i study them. ‘
‘ things have changed. we’re not an army anymore, we’re the resistance. ‘
‘ i didn’t know it was this bad. ‘
‘ sorry about your brother. ‘
‘ you haven’t told me what i’m doing here yet. ‘
‘ numbers do not lie. politics and poetry, promises, these are lies. numbers are as close as we get to the handwriting of god. ‘
‘ politics and poetry, promises, these are lies. ‘
‘ and this… is the point where he goes completely crazy. ‘
‘ fortune favors the brave, dude. ‘
‘ they won’t give you the equipment, and even if they did, you’d kill yourself. ‘
‘ she’s one of a kind now. ‘
‘ i think you’re unpredictable. ‘
‘ you take risks that endanger yourself and your crew. i don’t think you’re the right man for this mission. ‘
‘ wow. thank you for your honesty. ‘
‘ one day, you’re gonna see that in combat you make decisions. and you have to live with the consequences. ‘
‘ you promised me. ‘
‘ vengeance is like an open wound. ‘
‘ to me, you’re dead weight. you slow me down, i’m gonna drop you like a sack of shit. ‘
‘ i’ve raised him on my own. he’s a smart kid, but i never knew whether to give him a hug or a kick in the ass. ‘
‘ it’s a dialogue, not a fight. ‘
‘ better watch it. ‘
‘ i’m not crazy. you felt it, right? ‘
‘ this is worth fighting for. ‘
‘ if you’re listening to this, well, i’m either alive and i’ve proven what i’ve just done works, in which case, ha ha, i won. or i’m dead and i’d like you to know that it’s all your fault. it really is, you know, you drove me to this. in which case, ha, i also won. sort of. ‘
‘ are you gonna say anything? ‘
‘ you look good. ‘
‘ like when you blink your eyes over and over and over again and all you really see are like, frames. it was emotion. ‘
‘ i’m okay. just let me control it. ‘
‘ you are a goddamn disgrace. you’re gonna get us all killed. ‘
‘ why don’t you just do us all a favor and disappear? it’s the only thing you’re good at. ‘
‘ so, what, you’re grounding us? ‘
‘ one: don’t you ever touch me again. two: don’t you ever touch me again. ‘
‘ now, you have no idea who the hell i am or where i’ve come from, and i’m not about to tell you my whole life story. ‘
‘ you know, you live in someone else’s head for so long… the hardest part to deal with is the silence. ‘
‘ well, that’s classified. so i couldn’t tell you. even if i wanted to. but it is pretty cool, so i might tell you. i’m gonna tell you. ‘
‘ jesus, we can’t just sit here and watch them die. ‘
‘ let me in, i’m a doctor! ‘
‘ we have a choice here. we either sit and wait, or we take these flare guns and do something really stupid. ‘
‘ as harsh as it sounds, there is no time to celebrate. we lost people. no time to grieve. ‘
‘ how sick are you? and why didn’t you tell me? ‘
‘ i haven’t exactly had a very good day, okay? ‘
‘ we’re gonna own this bad boy! ‘
‘ by jove, we are going to own this thing for sure! ‘
‘ today, at the edge of our hope, at the end of our time, we have chosen not only to believe in ourselves, but in each other. ‘
‘ today we are canceling the apocalypse! ‘
‘ as for you, well, you’re easy. you’re an egotistical jerk with daddy issues. a simple puzzle i solved on day one. ‘
‘ i just don’t want to regret all the things that i never said out loud. ‘
‘ well, my father always said, if you have the shot, you take it. so let’s do this. ‘
‘ all i have to do is fall. anyone can fall. ‘
‘ i can’t find his pulse. i don’t think he’s breathing. ‘
‘ no. don’t go. please. ‘
‘ you’re squeezing me too tight. i couldn’t breathe. ‘